Title: Nights of Destitute

Pairing: Grell X either Sebastian, William, or Undertaker (that's the whole plot)

Rating: T—M, depending on where I stray to

Story Contains: Yaoi, and Unrequited Love

Chapter Warnings: A sad Grell

Summary: Grell is tired of being lonely. So what if he's over the top? Doesn't he deserve someone to be with? There are so many options, but who would choose him? Who would want him?

Chapter Number: #1

Author Note: The length of this story will depend mostly on reception. If it's liked it may end up exploding. If it's nodded at it may end up four chapters long. Definitely will not be a one-shot. Could turn M rated at the drop of a hat if Grell ever finds love.

I just want to show his calmer side…you know, the one that explains why anyone would give him the ability to kill people…

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Grell didn't cry often…well, he did, but he didn't. Not for real at least. Sure, theatric tears were good when they added an appropriate touch to a situation where tears were beneficial, but when it came down to it he really didn't cry that much. That's why, while sitting in his room alone as was usual and always had been, he was surprised to find the painful pressure at the backs of his eyes. He felt the pressure travel down from his eyes to the bridge of his nose which seemed to swell painfully until the water finally leaked out his tear ducts and watered his cheeks with clear lines that would later leave raw stripes on his face.

It wasn't that he was not an emotional creature. That was not the reason he seldom cried. It was those damn lines that tears left. Wiping them away turned his whole face red, and if he let them be they dried and made lines like scars. Not to mention the horrid redness of his eyes afterwards. Yes, red was a lovely colour, but not in inappropriate excess and certainly not in his eyes and rubbed on his cheeks so unbecomingly.

With a quiet sound like a whimper and a sigh, Grell removed his glasses and set them on the stand aside his bed to prevent them from becoming streaked with the unwelcome tears. It was all his fault…and his fault…and his fault too! And, in a way, it was his own fault as well. Was he really that incapable of controlling where his heart strayed? It was bad enough having a love that there was no chance of succeeding in, but having another attachment to another man who sometimes seemed interested and often seemed not was torturous…Not to mention the third gentleman.

Grell had read romance novels, he enjoyed them as much as any woman would. Living vicariously through the leading lady was freeing. In the end she was always satisfied. She always had the man she desired. Sometimes…sometimes she even had children. Sometimes that was the problem…Oh, he was getting off track.

The woman always had two men to choose between. A simple number, two. Grell had three and it was killing him. Usually, in the novels, one of the two loved her. Sometimes she was too blind to see it.

Grell wasn't blind, but he was far from certain. He could see where he wasn't wanted, and that made it easier most of the time, but, on dark nights when he was alone and suffering, that rejection was nothing more than painful. He knew that the gorgeous demon with his adolescent master had no interest in him at all. Not even enough to offer a kiss or an embrace…a hand holding session. Nothing.

But William…Will. That was the problem. Sometimes he was so cold that Grell could hardly stand it. Sometimes, however, he was unnaturally warm and charming. He, also, had never given Grell a kiss, but there had been more than one instance of an embrace that was returned and several more where they had been dodged. That had to mean something, right?

That uncertainty hurt as much as the rejection that night. It was hard being so energetic in public, it really was. It was how he felt, who he was, but no one else seemed to appreciate it. On most other occasions, Grell didn't care if they liked his behavior or not. But on nights when he was alone and no longer wished to be alone it was suffocating.

He found himself thinking that if he behaved better, if he held still, obeyed the rules, kept quieter, and acted less recklessly he wouldn't be so lonely. He'd have someone lying beside him on the bed that was certainly large enough to accommodate two people.

Grell pressed his eyes closed tightly as an onslaught of tears slid past his eyes. He raised a hand and pried off the fake lashes from both eyes and tossed them away. One landed on the bed and the other drifted onto the floor slowly. He shed his coat and tossed it away as well, along with his necktie which joined the felled lashes on the bedspread.

But there was another man who seemed pleased with his behavior as it was. He laughed at what he said; he was impressed at what he was able to come up with. The Undertaker approved of him as he was, but the Undertaker had no tells which indicated any affection towards his fellow reaper. If Grell hugged him, he sometimes hugged back. He always seemed to smile when the red reaper was around. Grell found himself capable of shifting his affections around.

When he was by himself at least.

Whenever he was around one of the three he was so certain that he loved that specific one. Sebastian, such a handsome, strong man capable of admiring the beauty of the world. He was rough and forceful, but Grell didn't have a problem with domination. However, Sebastian didn't seem to mind destroying what was beautiful…like Grell's precious face that he spent so much time preparing before going anywhere. That Grell did not appreciate…but he could live with it if he was given the chance.

Will was cold, no—cool. He was cool. His eyes were so piercing and they seemed to stare right through him and into his very being. How could he resist those eyes? He could stare into them for hours, he'd done it before and Will had allowed it. Surely that confusing man had some feeling for him. Like Sebastian, he was extremely dominating and forceful, but in a less violent way. If he called for Will, Will usually came. He didn't stay for long when he found out that Grell was just "lonely" or "bored", but he kept coming when he was called for regardless. He had to have some sort of a feeling for him. Something…maybe not love, maybe not a desire as strong as Grell's, but there had to be something…right? If Will would give him a chance, Grell was certain that he could extract that feeling and exercise it in a way that would prevent Will from regretting it.

Oh, but the Undertaker too. He was fun, he was lovely, he was nice in some strange way. They got along together. Undertaker seemed content with Grell's behavior. (He assumed that since he worked around the dead all day it had to be a revitalizing change to have someone so good-looking and vivacious keeping him company.) Maybe if Undertaker would allow him to come closer something could happen between them. Or maybe his over-the-top emotions would drive him away and Grell would have sliced off the bud of what could have been a bush blossoming into friendship. But if he was aware enough of the atmosphere, Grell was certain that he would be able to adapt to Undertaker's needs…if he just got a chance.

One chance. That's all he wanted from them all. All of them. Sebastian, Will, the Undertaker…a single chance to make them happy, to make himself happy for a while. To adapt himself to what they needed and live that way as their lover for as long as they wished. Until they tired of each other or someone better came along. He wasn't asking for lifelong commitment! Just someone to spend lonely nights like this one with. Someone to pass the time with, someone to make it so he didn't have to cry about things that only mattered after dark while he was unaccompanied.

Sometimes he thought that, maybe, if he had a child he'd be happier. He'd never have to be alone again. He'd have a baby to look after and then, after that, he'd have a toddler to talk to, then a child to converse with, then a teenager to teach life-lessons to. Then the child would be an adult and, maybe, the adult would find a lover and bring him grandchildren. And maybe they'd all just live in one house together. He'd never be alone and, frankly, a person like him wasn't suited to be alone. He looked too good too often to not be seen. (And nights alone were becoming crippling.)

He didn't bother changing out of his clothes to sleep. He slid beneath his covers, mostly dressed and with the light on, and nuzzled his pillow to rid his face of his tears. He decided that, the next day, he was going to make a move on someone…he didn't know which someone, but someone. And if the aftermath of what that single move caused turned out to produce a negative effect, Grell decided that he would just kidnap someone's unwanted baby. It wouldn't be his own, but it would do. And if that didn't work out he could just return the creature to its parents.

He chuckled at his own cleverness and clutched his pillow close. Sometimes, in his mind, it was Sebastian, sometimes Will, sometimes Undertaker, sometimes another gentleman he'd seen in the world, but that night it was Will. He was sure that if he ever managed to snare that man and they laid together in this fashion, Will would allow it and would hold him closer.

The thought comforted Grell enough so that he could consider sleep. He was alone, and he disliked it, but he was lulled to sleep by thoughts that, one day, he might have someone to lie beside. Just lie beside…he didn't need anything else. Closeness.

That was enough for him. It was all he needed. And maybe a kiss…yes, that as well.

And you really couldn't forget holding hands. It was important to him…sometimes. He could go without it, but he didn't see why he would have to. It didn't have to be in public incase the gentleman was shy.

He wondered if Will would be shy of things like that. He was cool, but that didn't mean that it was impossible for him to have a bashful side. The thought made Grell coo and hold the pillow tighter. To see Will flustered, that would be…

He fell asleep before he could think of the word, his tear-coated eyelashes mashed together, his chest unmoving. He looked oddly beautiful that way, but it could be said that he was beautiful all of the time. There was just something about the way his cheeks were flushed from crying that balanced him out. It wasn't the same red as his blushing…it was a colour of crimson all of its own.

He was pretties when he was in pain…at least that was what he thought.

~Alice Von Wonderland

Closing Note: The he is a different he than Grell. But who is he? I just thought it would be entertaining to see Grell's conflicting thoughts about the various people he can be paired with. It relates so well to a real world scenario instead of those crappy romances. There is the lover he wants but is never going to be able to have, the annoying one that shows some interest sometimes and no interest other times, and then the one that would probably make a better friend but he finds himself romantically attracted to him anyway.

Poor Grell, it takes a lot of work to be pretty and happy. And before someone says something about OOC, Grell is entitled to be sad, is he not? No one is happy all the time.

Until Next Time

Alice Von Wonderland