How To Save A Life

Chapter 3: Emily

First off, I don't own Shutter Island... I keep saying this in hopes it'll become habit btw.

Secondly, the whole reason for this fic boils down to this. If you've only watched the movie, this might confuse you. For those who've read the book however, know that Emily is a minor character who also doubled as fake Rachel. If you read my For the Love of Insanity fic BEFORE I took it down (still grumbling about that btw) You already know that in my mind Emily felt something for Andrew/Teddy.

That said, here is a look at what I think she was going through. Her last name isn't given so I gave her the surname Dell.

That said, enjoy!

It has been a year since Andrew died.

It pains me to see that Lester still blames himself for what happened. Even when I yell at him, telling him that he is turning into Andrew, Lester just looks at me with sad eyes. It is all for the better I suppose.

His pain distracts him from noticing mine.

Not a day goes by I don't think about Andrew and Teddy. I'm not grieving for him, but little things spark memories that avalanche into reminiscence of the two years I spent with them. Their jokes, all the cigarettes I lit for them, and twice when Teddy was in control, when I almost kissed him.

Lester knew about the second time.

I was in disguise as the fake Rachel Solando. My job was to pretend Teddy was a real officer, then pretend he was my husband named Jim, and finally snap when I realized he wasn't. Lester and John even encouraged I make a pass at Teddy. What they would have done if Teddy hadn't stopped me from pressing my lips to his is something I don't even think they thought about and it is a good thing it never happened.

The first time I almost kissed Teddy, no one knows about except Teddy and me.

We were outside walking the grounds. It was a year before my stunt as Rachel. He was interviewing me as he always did and I answered the same as I always did.

"Rachel's a sweet girl, Marshal," I said, "Sure, she did some bad things but she couldn't help herself. She was sick and no one got her the help she needed."

I was actually talking about Dolores, Teddy and Andrew's wife, hoping Teddy would remember my words and apply them when he became Andrew again.

"She killed her kids; drowned them," Teddy said harshly, "there isn't an excuse for that no matter how 'sick' she may be."

All I could think was if he only knew the truth.

"As a nurse in a mental institution Marshal Daniels, I can assure you that in most cases an excuse is not enough. However, if you met Rachel and talked to her during the few times she does remember what she did, you'd see exactly what I mean. The grief that radiates off her is overwhelming. If she could go back and kill herself instead of her babies, she would. She's told me that much and even tried to once or twice. That's what scares me, Marshal. Without proper supervision… we'll be finding a body instead of a patient."

Teddy looked me over and took in my words. I admit even I was surprised at how convincing I sounded, even though I was telling some truth. The difference was I was thinking about Andrew instead of fake Rachel. It was the same scenario, just a different name. When Andrew was in control, he would tell me he wished he could have died instead of his wife and kids. Andrew was the one who tried to kill himself.

"We'll find her, Ms. Dell, there ain't no doubt about that." He told me assuredly.

I smiled. Moments like that made me forget Teddy wasn't real. Then the wind picked up, and blew his hat off his head. He made a snatch for it but it slipped passed his fingers. When it flew passed me, I ran making a snatch for it and caught it.

Teddy chuckled and I laughed. I don't remember what was so funny about his hat flying in the wind, but I do remember the sparkle that lit in his eyes. We met each other halfway and he bent his head forward, allowing me to place the hat back in its proper place.

Standing up straight, he looked me in the eyes and stared. That was when I inched forward, staring back at him.

That moment was when I almost kissed him.

However, I blinked. I realized I was too close and stepped back. If he noticed my sudden change in disposition, he didn't say anything. Instead, he smiled.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." I muttered, turning away from him. "I'm sure your partner… what's his name?"

"Chuck Aule."

"Yes, I'm sure Marshal Aule is wondering where you've ran off too." I dared to look back just in time to see him laugh.

"Probably; Chuck's turning out to be a big worry wart."

With that, we walked back to the hospital in silence. We found Lester talking to Deputy Warden McPherson. There I dropped off Teddy and went back to Ward A to tend to my other duties.

I spent the rest of the day wondering what was wrong with me. I knew what I was feeling and it was not a feeling one should get from a mental patient. I eventually decided that ignoring the strange mixture of happiness and excitement when I saw him was the best routine.

It was hard to do and when John asked me to play a part in that elaborate plan to help Andrew I said yes more out of fear. I was afraid that they would know the moment I uttered 'no'. I was afraid that Lester, who I started seeing secretly as another attempt at getting Teddy off my mind, would pressure me into explaining why.

It was just easier to lie.

"Don't worry Em, you'll do fine," Lester said to me placing a kiss on my forehead.

It was two days before the 'event'. We were in his room sitting on his bed, leaning against the wall and going over the makeshift script.

"I know," I sighed and Lester gave me a goofy smile.

I smiled back despite myself. I was caring for Lester more than I wanted to admit and it would be after my stunt as Rachel before I'd say it aloud.

Even so, a part of me still belonged to Teddy.

The way he looked at me as I sat on that hospital bed made my heart flutter and my heart pounded when I reached out and touched him. It was easy to say my lines lustfully when deep down I meant them.

Only when Teddy stopped me did I remember that we weren't alone and I was supposed to be pretending. Once again, it was easy pretending to be hurt when I actually was. The hardest part was 'fighting' the orderlies until Teddy, Lester, and the others were out of ear shot.

I spent the rest of that night praying. I prayed this radical plan worked that way I wouldn't have to deal with Andrew or Teddy ever again and that my feelings for Teddy would disappear. My prayers were not answered.

When John called me in and told me give him a sedative to sleep, my heart broke when I saw him. I thought it would be easy. My hair was its natural red. There was no way he could know. Yet, even with the dye out of my hair, he knew me.

"It was you," he said when I gave him the sedative. "You're Rachel."

I tried not to look him in the eye but it proved futile when he's caught mine and he told me spitefully what a good actress I was.

"I'm Emily," I told him.

I wanted him to remember me. I wanted the fog to lift from his mind and realize who I was and how much I cared for him.

He pleaded with me but I couldn't say the words he wanted to hear. I looked back and we stared at each other. Inside, I was screaming, 'yes, it was me! Remember me?' on the outside, I remained silent.

It was the last time I'd see Teddy or Andrew again.

Andrew woke up the next day and told John and Lester what they wanted to hear. The next day, Teddy woke up and told Lester what he didn't want to hear. I cried in an empty closet when Martha, another nurse, told me what happened.

He didn't last long after the surgery. The sight still haunts my dreams. I see him, sitting on a bed looking at me but he's not looking at me. He wasn't even a he. He was an it. It was just a body. He became one of the Ghosts he was so much afraid of. The soul was gone and a week after the surgery, he died.

It's been a year today since his death.

Lester refused to go with me to the mainland and John was too busy with paper work. It didn't take long on the ferry. The sea was calm and the sky was clear. The cemetery where we buried him next to his wife and kids was an hour away from the port.

When we buried him a year ago, Lester, John, Dolores' sister Delilah, Andrew's last partner Something Johnson, and I were the only ones to show. Delilah was the biggest surprise.

"I never blamed him," she said laying flowers in front of his headstone. "He loved my sister; we all did and we were all blind. He never deserved this."

I did my best to bite my tongue. Andrew and Teddy didn't need a fight at their funeral but it took all my will power not to cut her down. Who was she to say so easily that he never deserved this fate? Where was she when he woke up in fright? Where was she, as he slowly lost himself?

She knew nothing about Andrew and Teddy. Yet I kept my thoughts to myself because I knew I couldn't blame her for something she didn't do. I also couldn't stay angry with the one person on our side, especially when her parents fought so hard not to allow us to bury Andrew there. At the time I didn't even know why I was angry or why I was directing it towards someone who was nothing but kind to me, I just was.

I sighed and sat next to his headstone and leaned against it. I took a moment and studied the ground that covered his coffin. It was no longer a fresh pile of dirt. Instead, the grass had spread over it in such a way that you could barely tell where they had dug up the earth and it wouldn't be long before the line would be virtually invisible.

"Lester misses you," I whispered, pressure in my eyes building from tears that threatened to form. "I miss you. You were supposed to get better Andrew. You weren't like the other patients; you had a chance. "

I paused and closed my eyes. What was I doing? I was talking to a dead man's gravestone as if he could hear me. I squinted as the tears I fought fell out my eyes. As I sat there, trying not to cry too loudly, I realized was grieving. I was grieving for a crazy man who didn't deserve to die. I was grieving for a lost friend who I loved dearly.

I was grieving for a love that never happened and as I sat there, I gave up caring whether it was right or wrong, as I wiped my face with a handkerchief from my pocket.

"You didn't deserve this Andrew. You didn't do anything wrong. She was crazy and you loved her despite of it. You were a good man Andrew and you remember that."

"He was a good man, wasn't he?"

I jumped and bumped my arm on the headstone when I turned to see who was beside me. My arm stung as I looked up; it was Lester. I didn't say anything as he sat down beside me. I could feel heat raising my cheeks. Here I was talking to a stone as if there was someone actually there to talk too. The last time I checked, that was enough to label you insane.

"I'm sorry I didn't come with you." He sat down beside me.

"Don't be sorry," I whispered. Lester reached up and brushed my hair back out my face.

"You know what he told me?" Lester said, dropping his hand to take mine, "Before he died?"

"What?" I sniffled, trying to gain composure.

"He told me not to ever let you go."

Lester pulled me to him and kissed me lightly on the lips and then the forehead. He pulled back but kept his face closed to mine so that I could only see his eyes. My heart swelled. It had been a long time since I saw Lester smile and have the smile reach his eyes and at that moment, he was doing just that.

"Emily?"

I didn't say anything but I gave him a look that told him I was listening.

"I love you." He said, "I've loved you even before I knew I loved you. Even Teddy knew I loved you before I knew and before he died, before he got worse, he told me not to ever let you go. He told me, 'because once you do, and you'll never get her back Chuck. You better marry that girl.' Well Emily, I want you to marry me."

I took a deep breath and let it sink in. Of all the places and of all the times to propose, Lester chose now and to anyone else, it would have been inappropriate. I knew Lester though, better than anyone else and I knew why he chose now. He was letting them know he was letting go.

In that moment, I did too. They weren't coming back and they deserved to rest in peace. For the first time in a very long time, I felt truly happy. In an instant, the grieve I felt left me and it was like they let us know it was okay. I couldn't help but smile.

"It's about time."

I saw relief wash over him and he grinned as he pulled me to him to kiss me. Andrew was gone; Teddy was gone, but right then, for that brief moment he was there with us. And knowing them they were right next to us saying the exact same thing I just said: it's about time.

I may be Queen of Angst but I love happy endings and I couldn't help myself. I hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I did. Thanks for reading!