Title: Confessions

Author: CSChick

Fandom: Law & Order: SVU

Pairing: Olivia/Alex

Rating: K

Author's note: The episode P.C. annoyed me in several different ways. I did not like what they did to/with Olivia, especially without any consideration of the how the behavior of Babs and their suspect together would have affected her after her attack and PTSD less than a year previous. This is my answer to that annoyance.

When the door to the crib creaked open, Olivia turned herself away from it, hoping it was only one of her coworkers grabbing something from a locker. Someone who would note her apparently resting form and politely ignore her.

But luck was not on her side. Footsteps walked across the floor and stopped next to the bunk she had chosen. Then, a weight settled down on the mattress beside her.

"I have Elliot's statement, Olivia, but I need yours as well."

She didn't yet want to face anyone-including, or maybe especially, Alex-so she cleared her throat and tried to speak in a normal tone. "Five minutes, counselor, okay? Five minutes and I'll come out there and give you whatever you need." With five minutes, she would be able to splash some water on her face and find the eye drops she kept in her locker.

But Alex didn't move. For a moment, she just sat there, then Olivia felt her hand against her shoulder, a gentle pressure encouraging her to roll over and face Alex. She remained on her side, facing the wall, refusing.

"Liv, tell me what's going on here."

"Nothing, Alex. It's nothing."

"You successfully broke a suspect, in front of me, your partner, and god. But instead of staying and riding out that high, instead of remaining for the rest of the questioning and processing, you run off into the crib for thirty minutes. And everyone tells me to leave you alone. I'm not understanding this."

That the rest of the station suspected why she had run off into the crib, at least well enough to warn off Alex, didn't exactly sit well with Olivia. She knew that last year they had been walking on eggshells around her, but she thought that she had convinced them that she was handling it outside of work, that she had stabilized well enough to continue her work without their protection.

Until the past few days, she believed that she had as well.

"It's been a tough couple of days, Alex."

"It's always tough around here, Liv. Tough doesn't send you running off to hide. You thrive on tough."

Alex was right. Tough didn't send her running-tough just made her fight harder. Or used to, at least.

She rolled over and sat up, letting Alex see her exhausted appearance, her red eyes. "I'm not the person I used to be, Alex."

She could see the worry darken Alex's eyes, tighten her lips. "You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Should I insist you talk about it?"

"Probably."

Alex remained silent, her head tilted to one side. She focused on Olivia with a steady gaze, and Olivia almost had to laugh despite her exhaustion and depression. Over the years, Alex had definitely learned how to apply certain interrogation techniques herself-particularly those that depended on a person's strong internal desire to confess to an understanding and engaging listener.

"I froze in there at the last minute, Alex. That's why I left, why I let the two of you take over."

Alex nodded, probably trying to mentally match up Liv's confession with her own memory of events.

"He forced me to grab him, and I froze for that brief moment . . . "

"You've had suspects get sexually aggressive with you before."

"Yes."

"What's different?"

"Me."

Alex didn't say anything, but continued looking at her with that gaze that tried to persuade her to go on, continue the story. Olivia knew she could stop here, could prevent Alex from learning anything more for now, but also knew that she had an obsessively curious friend and a whole precinct of coworkers who knew at least part of the story.

"Last year . . ." she started, and then faltered. In some ways, this was still hard, despite her experiences with sharing her story and emotions in her therapy group, despite her assurances to herself over the past year that she'd survived, she'd gotten past it. She cleared her throat again. "Last year, I was undercover and I was attacked."

She saw Alex whiten. Apparently, she hadn't heard anything about this since she had returned as their ADA. On her arm, Alex's hand briefly tightened, then started to gently rub up and down her arm. She tried not to pull back, although right at this moment, again thinking about those memories, pulling away was all she wanted to do.

"He didn't rape me." She let out a bitter half-laugh. "Although that was his intent, if all hell hadn't broken loose just in time."

"Who's the prosecutor on the case?" She could see the anger in Alex's eyes, that driving force that made her the ADA that their unit needed.

"There's no case, Alex. I was undercover in a woman's prison. You know how things end up there. He's been disciplined. But there's no case."

"That's not how it should be."

"That's how it is."

"Liv, that's not how it should be."

"If you want to fight that battle, Alex, don't let me be the reason you're trying."

"You're reason enough to fight it, damn it."

"Every woman in there is reason enough to fight it."

Alex nodded in agreement, and Olivia wiped at the tears that were once again slowly leaking from her eyes. She tried to turn back away again from Alex, but Alex both tried to resist and give at the same time, pulling her close even as she allowed her to turn away. Olivia ended up in an awkward position against Alex, not quite leaning into her shoulder, but near enough that it made no difference.

In all the months since, it was the first time she'd had anyone who held her as she cried. The relationships she had with Elliot, Munch, Finn, didn't quite allow it. She'd always held back to some degree at her therapy group, not quite developing those strong ties with the other women that the rest had developed. She didn't sob, but she allowed her tears to fall freely for once, holding onto Alex's arm.

Alex enclosed her with her other arm, and Olivia tensed for a moment, expecting the momentary panic she'd experienced every time since that time, when anyone had tried to embrace her. It came, she breathed out, and it left. More quickly than any time previous.

She took a few more deep breaths, stopping her tears, then looked up at Alex with a bit of guilt. Alex hadn't come in here expecting to pick up the pieces of one of her detectives.

She tried to pull away again, mumbling "Alex, I'm sorry . . . you need that statement. "

"Liv, Liv . . ." Alex more strongly resisted her pulling away this time. "Don't apologize. I don't need that statement right this minute."

She and Alex ended up face-to-face, barely a breath apart. That closeness caused her to flash to the memory of the other event that had started her spin out of the balance she had found for herself over the past year-Babs Duffy's attempt to kiss her the other day, her equal parts panic and confusion that had haunted her even as she had escaped from the apartment, sarcastically warned the other officer.

But this was not Babs, it was Alex. It was Alex looking at her with worried eyes, barely a breath away from her but no threat. Alex, closer than she had allowed almost anyone else to be for the past year, not trying anything more aggressive than a simple hug, a simple embrace.

Out of her roiling, confusing emotions, she suddenly found herself wanting more than that. She blinked and shook her head in confusion.

"Liv? What?"

"I think I want to kiss you." The words escaped her, and she shook her head again slightly, expecting Alex to either pull back or laugh.

"Okay." Alex didn't laugh or move back, keeping her face and her lips those mere inches away.

Olivia didn't even know that she could carry through on that brief desire, that strange confession that she'd allowed escape. But when Alex didn't move away, when she instead closed her eyes and tilted her head slightly, she found that her body was perfectly willing to follow through, even without the full participation of her brain.

She touched her lips to Alex's, and felt Alex sigh against her. She almost managed to keep it a brief, barely engaging kiss, then she felt Alex kiss her back.

Again, that brief seizure of panic, the same instinct toward fight or flight that had mentally thrown her when Babs had launched herself at her. But this wasn't Babs, this was Alex. This was her choice, not something someone else was forcing on her.

Just that thought alone steadied her. Then Alex's hand moved slowly up to the back of her head, her fingers gently brushing her way through her hair, and it became much more than Olivia had ever intended it to be.

A few heartbeats later, she broke the kiss and felt Alex pull away. Olivia kept her eyes closed, and Alex's hand traced down her jaw, dropped to her shoulder. Then Alex breathed "And?"

"I think I'm confused."

That earned her a chuckle. "Confusion is a perfectly acceptable response."

She didn't know how Alex could be so suddenly lighthearted. "What about you?"

"Liv, in certain things I've learned to accept what comes to me. It was a kiss. A nice kiss."

She felt Alex's hands brush her hair away from her cheeks on either side, and she opened her eyes. Alex had moved a bit further back, a slight smile curving her lips.

"How about I give you five minutes, and then you come back and give me that statement?"

"Will do." Olivia wasn't even sure she needed the full five minutes anymore, but she would take what she could get here.

Alex stood up and began to walk away. Then she turned back to face Olivia, a more serious look on her face. "Maybe one day we can figure out who we both are, and want to be." Then she turned around and hurried out of the crib, the door shutting behind her.