A Lovers Quarrel

Setting – Mount Olympus

Aphrodite – Greek Goddess of Love, stubborn, flirty, determined, is in love with Apollo.

Apollo – Greek God of Light, musical, a player, dramatic, likes Artemis.

Artemis – Greek Goddess of Hunting, doesn't like Apollo, sarcastic, "tomboyish".

Artemis: (sigh, talking to the "heavens") Locking us up in some sort of cloud-fortified room is not going to settle our differences.

Aphrodite: Not my fault he chose you over me.

Artemis: Let's just get over this. Zeus will NOT let us out without settling our "relationship issues".

Aphrodite: Like he's one to talk? Think of Hera, Demeter, Maia…. Oh! Let's not forget Mnemosyne!

Apollo: AHEM AHEM. Alright, Artemis, now that I have your attention…if you had accepted my…. ahem(air quotes) "Proposal", Zeus wouldn't have to lock us in here.

Aphrodite: (to Apollo) if you weren't going for someone obviously unattainable-

Apollo: Look, Aphrodite, we had a thing this week. Artemis has my heart now.

(Artemis rolls her eyes)

Artemis: You were "courting" some forest nymphs last week.

Apollo: Only during the day.

Aphrodite: …nymphs? Which ones?

Apollo: Don't worry about it. They weren't the cute ones anyway.
Artemis: No wonder he had a side of "easy" with his entrée of bark. You can't live on fiber alone. (to Apollo) Apollo, when are you going to man up?

Aphrodite: Trust me, honey. He's man enough. You're too self-righteous to have him.

Artemis: Weren't you just cheesed off about him liking me?

Apollo: Ladies, ladies…look. I know I'm quite the commodity, but I can only take weekly offers. Otherwise, there wouldn't be enough of your favorite Greek God of Light, Sun, Truth, Prophecy, Archery, Medicine…what else did Zeus put me in charge of again?

Artemis: Good grief. It's a wonder why you have enough time for women at all.

Apollo: Well you see, when I'm done setting the sun, there is always someone in my-

Aphrodite: Someone? You mean there are other people than me?

Apollo: Of course! I'll get bored if I'm with one person for an extended period of time!

Artemis: (crosses arms and rolls eyes) Well he is the God of Truth.

Aphrodite: Oh shut up!

Artemis: Truth hurts, doesn't it?

Aphrodite: Do you want the truth? He only offered you an affair because everyone else won't dare to get involved with you.

Apollo: Actually-

Artemis: Oh, since we're being honest, why don't I comment on your horrible hunting skills?

Apollo: Ladies-

Aphrodite: I don't hunt; it's such a vulgar sport.

Artemis: I was talking about your inability to hunt men. You obviously cannot capture the heart of dear Apollo here. That's one thing I have over you.

Aphrodite: You don't even like him, so he's not a factor.

Artemis: Oh, he's definitely a factor. If he wasn't, you wouldn't be turning red out of anger right now.

Aphrodite: Oh shut up! (to Apollo) how could you like her, of all people? I'm the one you want, Apollo. I'm the only person you need!

Artemis: Look guys, this is ridiculous. I'm about to take this up with the lightning bolt guy myself.

Apollo: We don't need to. The only way he's going to let us out is if you, Artemis, are mine.

Aphrodite: What about me?

Apollo: You make everything complicated.

Artemis: (sarcastically) she isn't called the Goddess of Love for nothing.

Aphrodite: Excuse me? I-

Apollo: That's why I tend to move on quickly so no emotional attachment occurs.

Artemis: That's disgusting, now how do you propose to "fix" our problems? I'm missing some good hunting time here.

Apollo: We have to "pretend" to be lovers. Simple as that.

Artemis: And what about miss bighead over here?

Aphrodite: How about Apollo rightfully falls for me?

Artemis: I don't care; I just need both of you out of my hair.

Apollo: Y'know… that just might work...

Aphrodite: What?

Apollo: I will "fall" for you, Aphrodite. If it means I can please my Artemis.

(Apollo takes Aphrodite's hands, staring intently into her eyes.)

Aphrodite: Really, Apollo? You mean it?

Artemis: (to herself) is she seriously falling for his crap?

Apollo: What did you say, my sweet?

Artemis: Erm, I am just silently expressing my, uh… deep gratitude for your sacrifice.

Aphrodite: I knew she'd come around! Come Apollo! Let us display our affection to Zeus.

Apollo: Yes, sweet Aphrodite!

(All look above in astonishment, the clouds around them fade)

Artemis: I can't believe this actually worked.

Aphrodite: Come, Apollo. We must present our fondness.

Apollo: Yes, Aphrodite. (to Artemis) I will come for you, my dove.

(Exit Apollo and Aphrodite, Artemis sighs)

Artemis: We'll be back here in a week. Tops.