Abdication

A Death Note Fanfiction

By Allora Gale

Chapter 1

Epiphany

Light Yagami felt sick. Sick to his very core and not only from the sudden nauseating rush of memories returning to him after long months of absence. Not only by the presence of a shinigami. Not only by the sight of the pitiful man who knelt on the pavement a few meters away, handcuffed and blindfolded. Not only by the familiar smooth texture of the Death Note's cover in his hand.

Kira.

I really am Kira.

The thought made him want to vomit all over the front of the helicopter. He was a despicable mass murderer. He was a criminal. He deserved the same death he had reigned down on so many others. In fact, he was worse than they were. He was worse than those few first names he'd written into the notebook; the names of the worlds most depraved felons. And he'd thought he was a god? That he was righteous? That he was divinely suited to judge and condemn the wicked?

He had always been incredibly arrogant. He knew that. It stemmed from his abnormally expansive mental capacity. Light was a genius, there was no two ways about. The old adage sprung to his mind unbidden; there's a fine line between genius and madness.

Oh, he had definitely gone mad. He was clearly insane. The horrible part was that his vaunted intelligence enabled him to diagnose himself. He was a megalomaniac with delusions of godhood. No, he was completely crazy and it scared him that he couldn't pinpoint just when he'd crossed the line – when had he gone from genius student to atrociously insane? It was possible it had happened even before the Death Note had fallen into his hands. Why else would he use it? Why else would he come up with such an extravagant, idealistic and utterly idiotic plan for world domination?

Kill off all the criminals and everyone will be nice to each other?

You really are some kind of stupid, Light.

Depravity was a part of human nature. He knew this. Taking care of all the criminals wouldn't create world peace. It would create a reign of terror fraught with secret underground resistances. And crime wouldn't stop either. It would just find shadier alleyways to take place in.

Yes, then. He fully admitted to himself that he was mistaken. The Kira plan was grossly flawed. He had been corrupted by his own power. It wasn't really even about creating a utopia anymore. Ever since the Lindt L. Tailor incident, his primary objective had been destroying L. L. A law enforcement figurehead. Someone he was supposed to look up to with awe and appreciation. L was one of the few people who were actually doing something about the state of the world, using his incredible deductive ability to put more criminals behind bars than any other detective in the last century.

L, who was sitting next to him in the helicopter watching him out of the corner of his eye with that familiar glint of suspicion.

L, who was going to die if he didn't do something to prevent it.

A roiling ball of lead settled in his stomach as he fought down his nausea again. Oh, he was a brilliant tactician, wasn't he? He was able to lay down plans, to predict movements like it was no one's business. He was too smart. He had laid his plans down months ago and they were as ironclad as he had hoped them to be. Unstoppable. It was like watching a train chugging relentlessly down it's track right off a ledge into a gaping chasm. He hadn't left himself an out. He hadn't thought it would be necessary.

After all, L was his enemy, wasn't he? Why on earth would he not want to kill the only viable threat standing between him and ruling the world with mass terrorism? But that had all been before his incarceration. That had been before Light had been chained to the detective 24 hours a day for several months. That had been before he had discovered just how well he got along with L – with Ryuzaki. How much he generally liked him. How much he respected him.

And he had planned every possible variable of the man's death, except for the possibility that he would want him to live. Yes, Light Yagami – Kira – wanted L to live. It probably would have sent anyone else to their knees with the shock of it. As it was, Light was numb.

He wanted L to live. He wanted his . . . possible friend to survive this investigation. Now, he just needed to outsmart himself. It wouldn't be an easy task. He knew himself. He knew he was meticulous and, with the return of his memories, he realized just how meticulous he had been. He needed to ignore his nausea. He needed to think.

First things first, he needed to obtain ownership of the notebook. He needed his memories. Without them, L would surely test the thirteen day rule and die. He needed to prevent that from happening. In order to do that, he would have to understand the consequences of letting L test the notebook. Therefore he needed to somehow wrest control of the notebook from Higuchi. After all, he couldn't just hold on to this notebook forever.

It seemed unlikely that he would be able to get close enough to Higuchi to tell him to relinquish control of the notebook. If Rem had bothered to tell him any of the rules, and if Higuchi wasn't a complete idiot, he would know that the person talking to him was the real Kira and would probably alert his captors to that fact. Therefore . . . Higuchi had to die.

His nausea bubbled up inside of him again as the thought echoed around in his read. He would have to kill the crooked businessman. The air suddenly seemed too thin, lacking enough oxygen to satisfy his suddenly starving lungs as he contemplated his decision. It was what he had planned to do all along. That was why there was a piece of the Death Note hidden in his watch. He just had to pull the pin four times and it would be there, ready. Just a harmless little scrap of paper with the ability to send an already captured criminal straight to hell. No. Not hell. Wasn't that what Ryuk had said? Humans who use a Death Note can't go to heaven or hell. Not that heaven really seemed an option for anyone using the notebook, but the clarification was damning.

Not only was he going to kill this man. No, that wasn't enough for the illustrious Kira. He had also destroyed the man's soul and any chance at a normal afterlife. He was a horrible person.

He mumbled something about cross referencing the names in the notebook with the victims to Ryuzaki and turned away a little, only pulling the pin once he was sure the detective couldn't see what he was doing. The sight of the paper was enough to send him into a cold sweat as he picked up the little pin with trembling fingers.

Higuchi had to die to save L. It was a fair trade. No, he mentally berated himself. He had to stop doing that. He had to stop belittling human life, no matter how depraved. Higuchi was a living, breathing person at the moment, not some pawn on a chess board. He couldn't simply reassemble Higuchi in his proper place one he was done playing with him.

Higuchi was doing to die. Dead. Real, unglamorous death. And he was going to watch it from the helicopter. He was going to make himself watch it, sensitize himself to watching the man die. He was going to make himself understand just what he had been doing to people.

The prick of the needle against the pad of his finger hurt and he was glad of it. He would consider it the first, miniscule step towards penance. He would never be able to make up for what he'd done, not in a thousand years. But that wouldn't stop him from trying.

Kyosuke Higuchi.

Ambitious businessman.

Murderer.

Pawn.

Light closed his eyes for a moment and let the gravity of the situation rest on him. That man was going to die. In forty seconds he would collapse. His heart would stop. The light would go out of his eyes. His soul would leave the body and go . . . where? He imagined the confused specter being turned away from heaven and hell and returning to earth to haunt him.

It wouldn't be unjust.

His grip tightened on the notebook as he kick started his brain. He needed to be the first one to touch the book after Higuchi's death in order to take ownership of it. Ostensibly, he should just keep holding it. In order to do that, he had to keep L distracted, so he dragged him into pointless conversation.

He didn't count the seconds in his head.

When the man on the pavement suddenly made a odd choking sound and keeled over, he forced himself to react like a shocked and amazed bystander. The performance was flawless, he knew that. His skills at deception had been carefully honed over the years. It didn't stop the niggling feeling that ran down his spine telling him that L hadn't bought it.

Would he accuse him now?

He waited for it, tensed for the expected accusation. L was smart, after all. It wouldn't be hard for him to figure it out. How else would Higuchi have died? He was holding the notebook. He would automatically be suspected.

He had no doubt that L would go over the notebook with a fine-toothed comb looking for somewhere he might have slipped Higuchi's name in. He wouldn't find it. The watch was closed up again and he would dispose of the piece of paper as soon as he was able. He would probably flush it next time he went to the bathroom. There was no chance of it being discovered then.

He felt dirty, planning how to hide the evidence of his crime. Dirty? He was filthy. He had to be the most depraved person on the planet. He was a monster.

Somehow, L didn't say anything. He took back the notebook and tucked it between his leg and the seat before he lifted the helicopter off again. L was silent. Light didn't feel much like talking either. He was certain his guilt was oozing out of every pore and conversation would just compound that.

Stop this, Light.

He needed to stop feeling bad and start thinking. L's life was hanging in the balance and he highly doubted Rem would simply not kill L just because he asked her nicely not to. Rem would protect Misa, whatever the cost and if the thirteen day rule was tested, Misa would be compromised. Rem wasn't the smartest knife in the drawer and would probably panic and kill as many of the task force as she could before she turned into a pile of shinigami . . . dust or goo or whatever happened to them when they died. Therefore, he needed to prevent L from testing the notebook. Somehow.

That wasn't going to be easy. Any steps he took against L to prevent him from playing with the notebook would immediately cast suspicion on him, He would look guilty if he didn't want the notebook thoroughly analyzed. It was frustrating. But this was something he could safely let himself view as a puzzle. He needed to prevent anyone from testing the notebook while at the same time allaying suspicion. It would be a game. A challenge. And in the end, it would save L's life. He was determined not to fail.

He kept his eyes glued to Higuchi's corpse as the helicopter lifted from the ground, unwilling to let himself off so easily by looking away. It wasn't the first body he had seen, but it seemed to weigh on his conscience more than others. More than Raye Penber's. That was the first body he had seen, the first time he had witnessed his own handiwork first hand. A law enforcement officer. Well, he supposed that was a bit of a lie. The very first body would have been parts of that sleazeball on the motorcycle.

Takuo Shibuimaru.

Probably the stupidest criminal he had ever come across. Not only had he tried to perpetuate a rape in the middle of a busy street where anyone could see him, but he also gave his intended victim his name. If Shibuimaru hadn't been planning on killing her, he would have undoubtedly been caught. Light had done the world a favor by taking him out of the picture and saved to police the trouble of trying to track him down.

I need to stop thinking like that.

But it was true. He honestly believed that criminals deserved death. He wasn't shy about it. If you broke the law, you deserved to die. It was the only way proper order could be kept in the world. If there were no consequences for bad actions, then the world they lived in would be in chaos.

Then why are you quitting?

The question ricocheted around his head for a moment as he considered it. Why was he quitting? Why was he going to cease to be Kira? Why was he going to refuse to write down any more criminal names if he believed they deserved death?

I'm an inadequate judge.

He told himself this over and over again. It was true. He was corruptible and therefore unworthy of casting judgment on his fellow man. But it was only a small part of the reason. The much bigger and more blatant reason was that he didn't want L to die. He didn't want Ryuzaki to be killed and he'd set things up so that the only way to proceed was to get rid of him.

He hated himself.

A/N

Hello, I hope you enjoyed the first chapter of this. Reviews are very much appreciated. Also, this chapter was unbetaed, which isn't unusual for my work, but I was thinking about trying out a beta anyway. So, if anyone would be interested in betaing this piece, just send me a message. You can never have too much input.

Thank you for reading.

Allora