Hi, I'm Peter Bishop.

This is my guide on how to drive away girls. Especially girls you like. Because love is irrelevant to life, or so I'd like to believe. After my trials with this so called love, I don't really believe in it any more. So in order to avoid any more confrontations with this feeling, I've started a guide for myself (and you) to drive away anyone who makes me feel those…feelings.

I'll share these tips with you, just in case you feel the way I do.

Rule Number One: Avoid Eye Contact

This is very important. You wouldn't want to look at the person you like. Ever. Because then you'll get lost in their eyes and, well…that just leads to a whole new problem. Rule 1 is very hard for me to live off of…very hard. I try to pretend to do other work while Olivia talks to me.

Avoiding eye contact is the simple way out of any awkward situation. That and running away…

"Hey Peter, Walter just got results from the hamster's autopsy…he said that it appeared to have been eaten by another hamster." Olivia said that voice she gets when she's puzzled. I suddenly realized that I had absolutely no papers in front of me. What had I been doing in the lab without papers?

"Well, did you interrogate the owner?" I looked at the table in front of me, my hands holding on to the edge for dear life, even though I was sitting down.

"Of course. She said her hamsters never acted up like this before…what?" Olivia looked up from the file in her hand to see me staring at her. This is what happens when you aren't prepared.

"I…just realized something." I ran to go find Walter. Now, this is an example of good luck. I actually had realized something. Hamsters eating hamsters…it could be a distraction from a much bigger problem. Manipulated hamsters….this means humans could be manipulated in to eating other humans and…we could potentially destroy our own race.

Needless to say, we solved the case. But we always do, so that's hardly the point. Anyways, Walter wanted to cook us all up some custard as a celebratory desert. So he invited Astrid and Olivia over for some "custard-y fun".

"I love custard." He smiled as Olivia walked in the door. I made sure to look at the floor as to stop myself from looking into her eyes. No eye contact…no eye contact….

I looked up and into Olivia's eyes. They were so….lovely. I had to force myself to look at Walter when the attraction became almost unbearable.

"Uhm, Walter's almost done with the custard."

We spent the rest of the night eating custard and talking about anything other than our latest case. I don't want to fill you in on all the boring details because…the night was rather eventless. Well, except for when we were practicing the salsa and Olivia accidentally knocked me down. I have a suspicion that Walter tripped her, but I didn't want to get in to that right now. That's a story for another time.

Side Note: What if she's staring at you?

Now, I've experienced this so many times I lost count. Sometimes, I sneak that glance towards Olivia and she's looking at me.

The only way to make this seem like a coincidence is to make a funny face and make her laugh. Then, she thinks that you are just joking around. Hopefully.

You know that alarm that goes off in your head when something could be potentially dangerous or risky? Well, if that's the feeling you get when you see this girl looking at you, you're in big trouble. Because I get that. It's not fun.

Love isn't fun. That's why we have to push it away. No matter how much our fathers beg us to get married in a purple tuxedo.

This actually came up in conversation when we were having our custard night. Well not me…I hate custard.

"Peter, why don't you try on my tuxedo for us? It'll be fun!" Walter insisted for the fourth time in five minutes. I had to keep declining…I'd rather not be put in an uncomfortable situation tonight. Astrid and Olivia seemed amused, though.

"Yeah, Peter!" They urged. "Put it on!"

Olivia was smiling her big, adorable smile.

And then I just had to do it.

So, fifteen minutes later, I found myself standing in the middle of the living room wearing a purple tux.

"Oh, Peter! I can't wait until you two get married…" Walter looked like one proud papa. He smiled at Olivia. My face turned red with embarrassment. She just smiled. You see why I don't like my family? The only decent one here was Astrid. And even she was laughing me! Finally the torture was over with. Walter decided my pain was no more fun and told me to go change.

I'm still getting weird looks from Olivia to this day. And the event happened a week ago. Thank you, Walter…

So you see, never trust old men with purple tuxedos.

That concludes our lesson…for now.

Remember, eye contact can kill.