30 Things Merlin Is Not Allowed To Do In Camelot Anymore
1) I am not allowed to travel into the future and tease Arthur about there being a handful of adaptations of his life, and only one that rightfully portrayed us as lovers
2) I must not then tease him further by saying that this is because he obviously doesn't come across as gay enough
3) Must not tease him that in the future, people always draw me with the bigger beard
4) Even if I am 100 years older
5) Not allowed to introduce Arthur as 'my bitch'
6) Even if he does bottom a lot of the time
7) My cheekbones are not prettier than Arthur's
8) Nor are my ears
9) I am not allowed to take my revenge on Arthur by writing on every single one of his knight's underpants "Arthur was here"
10) Equally, must not write all over Arthur's pants, the name of every one of his knights, saying that they were here.
11) I must not announce "the princess has left the building" every time Arthur gets up from the round table
12) "At least I'm bigger than you" is not an appropriate comeback to the King of Camelot (even if it's true)
13) Must remember that "how's your knee walking coming along?" is NOT an invitation
14) Must not tease the knights for being manwhores by setting a herd of unicorns on them and smirking when all of them refuse to approach them
15) Must not encourage the young children at court to scribble and engrave rude notes about Arthur onto the round table (and try to get out of it by truthfully saying that I didn't do it)
16) I must not name Arthur's new owl Archimedes just because of the Disney movie
17) Must not tease Arthur that he's not officially King yet, seeing as he still hasn't pulled the sword form the stone
18) Dying all of Arthur's underwear pink is not cleaver or funny
19) The meaning of 'the elephant in the room' is that I do NOT mention the obvious
20) For example, the fact that when Lancelot leaves dinner early, does not mean that I can shout "have fun with Guinevere!" on his way out
21) Must way up the pros and cons of making Arthur jealous, BEFORE doing so. Failing to do so, often results in embarrassing hickies and painful bruises.
22) Must not spread rumours around court that the King still has a pet name for his penis
23) Must not sneakily suggest Arthur have a threesome with Lancelot and Gwen just because that's what happens in "The Mists of Avalon"
24) Must also not comment that even though Merlin wasn't involved in the threesome in the book, that doesn't mean they couldn't bend the ruled just this once
25) Must not spray perfume on the male courtier's pillows and sheets
26) Arthur, Lancelot and the rest of the knights absolutely no not look like silver boiled eggs when wearing their chainmail over their heads
27)Must not call the slash dragon, the slash dragon, or Sparky, or any other nickname apart from his real name
28) Must not ask whether the reason why the Sparky was always so agitated when I used to visit him was because he was missing some female comapny
29) I must under no condition fall head over heels in love with King Arthur
30) I must not mope when I realise it's too late
Aren't you guys lucky? Two stories in one evening! I couldn't help going a bit bittersweet there at the end!
This is a continuation of this http:/community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/kinkme_merlin/11294(dot)html?thread=9557022#t9557022 story on Livejournal. You should check it out, it's awesome!