A/N – this is a post season 6 finale, because the finale was…. Just w-o-w. I watched at work the spoiler ABC released earlier that day of the first 10 minutes, and it was a mistake, because I was unable to concentrate on anything else after that.
I have a few ideas on how to continue this fic, but I don't want to make any promises- you know me (and if you don't you'll know now) – I am terrible with updating… sorry (but please except me for who I am…).
Enjoy – and pleas please please review.
"Mer?" Cristina asked in a quiet voice as she entered Derek's room. "You okay?" Of course she wasn't okay, Christina thought. What a stupid question. She lost a baby and her husband was lying in a hospital bed, still heavily sedated from his open chest surgery, currently waiting to be transferred to Seattle Presbyterian Hospital. Some one had pointed a gun at her. She was far from okay. They were all far from okay.
"Hah?" Meredith's raised her head and looked at her. She looked tired and sad and something else, she couldn't quite understand, Cristina noticed.
She grabbed Derek's chart and quickly reviewed it. Nothing had really changed since she last saw it, but she still needed to be sure. She just needed to know that she did good. That he was alive and will be just fine. That the surgery, her surgery, went fine. That she didn't screw up her best friend's husband's surgery.
"They are ready to transfer him to Seattle Pres now. Teddy will meet us at there." She placed the chart back in its place.
Meredith let go of Derek's hand and slowly got up. Her husband was shot, and was currently recovering from a major surgery, so she couldn't really complain, but truth be told, she was really sore. Before, she just felt nauseas, but now she just hurt all over. She had already seen an OBGYN, an she had promised her that that was to be expected. That she was doing fine, considering. But it still hurt.
She mentioned for Cristina to follow her and exited the room.
"He's doing fine, Mer, really" Cristina started with what she thought Meredith expected to hear.
"Of course he is. Cristina Yang, Cardio goddess operated on him, herself." She said, and though it wasn't really funny, she appreciated her effort to lighten up the mood. To talk to her the same way they did just this morning, before everything had forever changed.
"How is everyone?" Meredith asked. "I was so busy with Derek and Owen, and Derek again…. But I have to know… have you heard anything? I mean, I know Reed is dead… Kepner told me…. But Lexie is not picking up her phone… " She trailed off, unable to gather the strength to say the words out loud.
"She's fine… Lexie's fine…. I just talked to her. She's at Seattle Pres. She's fine" Cristina hurried to reassure her. "Percy is dead too. So is that guy from Urology, the old creepy security guard and that bitchy OR nurse and – "
"Cristina!"
"What?" She sounded naive. "He was kind of creepy, kept staring at my ass and you can say what you want, but that nurse was a total bitch." She defended her self, trying to match Meredith's light tone of conversation.
Meredith couldn't help but chuckle. It felt good. "It's a little too soon….". She leaned heavily against the wall, absently rubbing her throbbing lower abdomen.
"Does it hurt?" Cristina asked carefully.
"Not as much as the 'what might have been'. "She answered sincerely. "So you talked to Lexie? She's really okay?"
"Yeah…" She sighed… "She was really upset and wouldn't stop crying. But she said she was fine, that she was there with Alex "
Meredith straightened up at once. "Okay, so she's not alone. That's good" she felt a sudden sense of relief.
"God." She whispered "what a day…."
They both remained in silence for a few minutes before Cristina spoke again. "Let's just get Derek to Seattle Pres. Make sure that he's fine. Then we'll worry about everything else, okay?" She placed her hand over Meredith's, letting her know that right now she comes first, she and her post-it note husband. Everything else can wait.
Meredith simply nodded before breaking their contact and going back into the room.
Once they were at Seattle Pres and got Derek settled into a private room; once Teddy had assured her that he was indeed doing just fine, Meredith could finally relax. Not that she didn't trust Cristina's work, because she did. But she still needed to hear that from an attending. To hear it from someone who ran an EKG and reviewed his chart and took his vitals in a safe place, without worrying they might get shot. She needed to hear it once again, after the whole nightmare was over. She needed it to be over.
"He's fine, Meredith. Really. Cristina did a great job." Teddy said again, when she noticed that Meredith's concerned expression; she looked like she was about to cry. "With time and some physiotherapy, he's going to make a full recovery." Teddy assured her again.
Meredith nodded and out off no where threw herself at her and embraced her in a tight hug.
"OOkkaayy…"
"Oh God…." Meredith broke contact, wiping her eyes. "God, I'm sorry… I don't know what…. I'm not a hugging person…" She felt embarrassed.
"That's okay. "Teddy smiled. "It was the worst day…. I'm going to go now, okay? I need to check up on Alex." She said and was half way across the room, when what she'd just said registered.
"What do you mean, 'check up on Alex'? What's wrong with him?" Meredith asked in a casual tone. It didn't occur to her that something might be wrong.
"He… Ah… he was shot…" Dr. Altman answered, confusion written all over her face.
"What?" Cristina was the first one to respond. "I thought…. Well Lexi said she was fine and that she was here with him." She sounded confused. Then realization hit her. "God… she said she was fine… she never said he was fine…"
"I'm sorry, I assumed you knew…"
Teddy looked at them with a mix of sorrow and pity – they just didn't seem to catch a break. "Lexie is fine. She and Mark brought Alex here a while ago. He was shot in the chest. They put in a chest tube and I operated. He isn't stable yet…" she tried to explain, but she didn't have all the details about what had happened before Lexi and Mark had rushed a gurney with an unconscious Alex Karev, desperate to get him to a hospital and much needed medical attention as possible.
"I'm sorry, I assumed you knew." She repeated and exited the room, ignoring Meredith's and Cristina's shocked looks. She just assumed they both knew. She figured that if she knew about Derek and Owen, that other news had spread out as well.
"Oh God…" Meredith sighed and painfully slid down until she sat on the floor, her knees drawn to her chest. Cristina sat down beside her, and placed a shaky hand on her arm.
"I thought it was over…. I … I have to find Lexie." She said, but made no motion to get up.
"Why won't we just sit here for a while?" Cristina asked. Meredith simply nodded and rested her head on her shoulder.
They sat like that for a while, listening to the soft rhythmic beeping of Derek's heart monitor. The sound of it relaxed her, told her that he's fine. That he, they, are going to be fine. She let her eyes drift shut, and let the exhaustion of the day sink in. After a few minutes her breathing became even and she drifted to that zone between sleeping and awakening. It was comforting.
She was almost asleep when Lexie burst threw the doors, causing both Meredith and Cristina to jump in alarm.
"Oh my God…. Oh my God… Oh my God…." She ranted as she paced the room, trying in vein to calm herself down.
"I just heard… about Derek and Owen and Percy and Reed…. God… Reed…" She was starting to hyperventilate now, but she just couldn't draw a deep full breath of air.
"Lexie.. stop…" Meredith couldn't help keep the annoyance out of her voice, but she was sore all over, and her husband was lying with a gunshot wound on the nearest bed, and her pacing and mumbling were giving her a headache.
"She's dead… she's really dead… Oh God…" She just continued.
"Lexie…." Meredith slowly pushed herself off the floor and approached her sister, though Lexie didn't seem to acknowledge her presence. Crisitna just remained motionless on the floor, feeling slightly cold, as Meredith broke contact.
"Lexie… Slow down…" She tried a softer approached and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. Lexie jumped like she had been burnt. She turned around and faced Meredith. She looked at her for a few seconds; her arms around her midsection in a futile attempt to keep warm, before she finally crumpled down. She couldn't hold it together any more.
"I thought he was dead…. I thought he was dead…. I thought – " She recited over and over again.
"Come here…." Meredith said before she flung her arms around her in a tight embrace. Lexie tensed at first but after a few seconds her body relaxed as she sobbed uncontrollably on her sister's shoulder.
After a few minutes Lexie crying finally stopped and Meredith carefully pushed her away, making direct eye contact with her.
"What happened?" She asked softly.
"I don't… I don't know…we were trying to get out and the elevator… and he was lying there in a pool of blood and he wasn't moving and I thought he was dead…." She was hyperventilating again….
"Sshhh… It's okay… just breathe." Meredith instructed her softly and motioned to Cristina to get Lexie some water.
Cristina got up slowly and purred a glass of water from the jar on the bed side table which was meant for Derek. She literally pushed the glass into Lexie's hand. Her hand trembled as she took the glass in her hand, and Meredith held her hand over hers to steady it and helped he drink.
Lexie drank the water in silence and then wiped the tears with the back of her hand. "It was awful…" She continued. "We had to put in a chest tube while he was still conscious, without any pain meds…." She stopped and drew a deep shaky breath. "He screamed so hard…." She shuddered at the vivid memory "and I had to shut him up so that he wouldn't find us…. "And he was bleeding all over the place…"
"God…" Cristina whispered softly, and she thought she had had a rough day. And that's when Alex is fine (well sort of fine, she thought. Altman did mention that his condition isn't stable yet), she didn't even want to think what the people who had been killed, or their friends that watched them been killed, went through.
Lexie's eyes watered again and she didn't even try to stop the tears from falling. She needed to get this out of her system.
"I tried… I called Izzie… several times… but it's going straight to voice mail, and she hasn't called back – "
"You called Izzie?"
"Yeah…" She answered quietly. "He…. He thought I was her…." She straightened a bit and looked at Meredith and Cristina "He was in so much pain…. We had no meds to give him and he had already lost so much blood. He thought she had come back for him. And he was so relieved and happy. He begged me… her… not to leave him ever again."
"Oh Lexie." Meredith couldn't keep the pity out of her voice.
"I had to promise… I told him I…. her… will never leave him and that we will always be together…" And with that she just started crying again. She was held at gun point today, she was sure she'd be killed, but for some reason, the fact that Alex reached out for Izzie when he was hurt and in pain hurt her the most.
"She has to be here… when he wakes up… she has to be here…." She angrily wiped the tears that wouldn't stop falling. The last thing she wanted was for Izzie to be here. But Alex seemed so relieved when he thought she'd come back for him. He'd be so disappointed to wake up and find out… well find her, little Grey, instead….
"If he wakes up…" She added in a low voice. It was a possibility after all. Dr. Altman had mentioned it herself that first time that Mark and her had showed up at Seattle Pres. She has to prepare for the worst.
She sniffled a little and wiped her tears again, she then finally pulled the hair band out of her hair and undid the complicated hairdo, which took her almost half an hour this morning to do before she'd left for work this morning. She quickly ran shaky fingers through the knots in her hair, and tried to get her breathing under control.
"How's Derek?"
"He's going to be fine, with time…" Cristina answered. She felt that she had to say one positive thing, one thing that goes their way, like mentioning one good thing will somehow erase some of the horrors of the day.
"Good… I'm glad…" Lexie sighed with relief. "I'm going to get back to Alex's room. I don't want him to be alone…" she said, her voice cracking a little.
"I'll come with you…" Meredith said. "Derek's not going to be awake for a while…" She felt the need to justify herself, to justify why she is leaving her husband's side.
"I'll stay with him, Mer…" Cristina offered with a weak smile.
"Thanks" Meredith said and led Lexie out of the room.
"Have you called Aaron?"
It took Lexi a couple of seconds to remember who Aaron was. She shook her head.
"Maybe we should call him… or Alex's mom?" Meredith asked, she wasn't really sure, whether Alex will like his family to know or not.
"I don't know…" Lexie answered. To be honest, she didn't really think about that until Meredith brought the subject up. "Aaron said, when they were fighting… that their mom, you know, will go off her meds… and that's because Alex had gotten married on the spare of the moment… What will she do when she found out about this?" She asked as they reached Alex's room and gestured towards him.
"Oh God…" Meredith whispered. She didn't expect it to be this bad. Derek had had an open chest surgery as well. But while Derek was off the vent, almost immediately after the surgery had ended, Alex was still intubated; his complexion so pale, against the hospital white sheets. And even though he was heavily sedated, she could still trace evident signs that he was in pain. His face wasn't as relaxed as Derek was, while he was asleep. And then another realization hit her – Derek was in a private post op room, while Alex was still in the ICU. The comparison terrified her, but she couldn't ignore it – Alex wasn't healing as well as Derek.
She took a deep breath and entered through the transparent double door.
The first time he woke up he felt that he was choking. Then he felt the rest. He hurt allover. Every fiber in his body felt like it was being set on fire and he still couldn't breathe. And he couldn't move. Something, someone was holding him and hurting him and he couldn't breathe. He tried to fight to get away, but every little move sent waves of pain through his body, and eventually he just gave in and lay there motionless. Angry tears welled up in his eyes, but he was too exhausted to even try and lift his hand to wipe them away or too exhausted to even care.
Lexie was standing right out side Alex's room in the ICU, when she noticed that he was finally awake. His eyes, drugged and glassy, were filled with pain and shear dread. He looked straight at her, but she doubted if he even noticed she was there.
"Alex, Alex… it's okey… you're intubated…." She rushed right in. "Don't fight it… let the tube breathe for you." She tried to sooth him, but just like she couldn't get him to quiet down when she and Mark had put in a chest tube, while he was conscious and with no meds, she couldn't get him to calm down now. So she did the only thing she could and pressed the emergency button and watched as Teddy Altman rushed in and took over.
"Alex, calm down" she said in a kind yet professional voice. "Calm down…. I'll get the tube out. Just calm down." She repeated and gently squeezed his hand, and couldn't help but smile as he visibly relaxed.
"Okay… it's going to hurt, but I need you to cough as hard as you can for me, okay? On three… One… two… three."
On the count of three Alex coughed as hard as he could, like he was told. His lungs burnt in protest, recently sewn muscles cramped in effort. Hot white pain flared through him, and for just one second he felt like he did on that conference room table as a chest tube was being jammed into him. He felt nauseas and tears welled up in his eyes. And then it was over.
"Okay… all done…" he heard Dr. Altman say and someone (Izzie?) pressed a glass with a straw to his lips and instructed him to take slow little sips. The cold water felt good against his burning throat.
Though he couldn't really see Izzie, since he couldn't really see clearly or get his eyes to focus on anything without making his head spin even more than it already did, it still felt good just knowing that she was there. He was so relieved when she had told him that she'd come back for him, and that she was never going to leave again. But still something about the whole thing just didn't seem right, he just couldn't place his finger on it.
He felt his eyelids grow heavier and heavier and all the voices sounded like he was underwater.
He was asleep again within minutes.
He woke up again, sometime afterwards, feeling just slightly more alert than before. The pain was still there, but it wasn't as fierce as before. He looked around the room without really moving his head, noticing that only Mark Sloan was in the room.
He looked at him in a weird way. Not that Mark had ever looked the right way at him before – the guy never liked him. Had always made him make him coffee when he was on his service. And ever since he got together with Lexie he simply couldn't stand looking at him – kept throwing his off cases and out of the OR, giving him nasty looks.
But this look was different. He couldn't quite say what it meant. It was unnerving.
He tried to look again, to see if Izzie was still there, and all of a sudden he just knew. He just knew that she wasn't there. That she had never come back. That he was only dreaming her, or hallucinating her. Whatever it was the understanding seemed to physically hurt him – it constrained his chest and made it hard (well harder) for him to breathe – or was it from the gun shot wound? He couldn't tell. All he knew for sure was that Izzie wasn't there and that it hurt.
"Izz?" He asked in a quiet hoarse voice, though he knew she wasn't there to anwer. It hurt to speak.
Mark just cleared his throat looking somewhat uncomfortable. "She's ah… –"
"She's not here, isn't she?" he asked in a breathy voice, trying to get the quiver out of his voice.
"No, she's not. But Lexie's right out side. She went to change and get some coffee; do you want me to get her?"
It was all the conformation that Alex needed. Mark told him what he already knew. A sudden feeling of overwhelming loneliness swept over him and he felt his eyes water. He looked up at the ceiling and blinked repeatedly, trying to block the tears that threaten to fall.
"She's never coming back, isn't she?" He asked, more to himself than to Mark. God everything just hurt. He couldn't keep the tears from falling and he felt them sliding down his temples and soaking his pillow.
"I… jesus… I don't know…." Mark rubbed his hand through his hair. It came out a little harsher than he intended and he couldn't help but cringe at the look of hurt that flashed through Alex's face. He sounded weak and tired. But he couldn't take it any more. He saw Alex die today. Or at least he thought he was dead. Then he saw him in so much physical pain, pain that no human being should ever be in, and then he caused him even more pain. He knew that he was only doing his job, doing what he swore he'd do – try and save his life (and it worked), but the mere thought or hurting him so much made him nauseous. Watching Alex hurting over his ex-wife after what he'd been through today was just too much. The guy could really use a break. They all could.
"Hey… Hey…" he said, softer this time, moved closer to the bed and placed his hand on Alex's arm, carful not to jolt the IV line "It's okay, Alex, it's okay… you're safe… you're safe now".
The simple touch, that little human contact was, to Alex's surprise, more than a little comforting. He felt the tension that had built inside him elevate a little. Mark did sound sincere and for the first time Alex got what Lexie saw in the guy. It was the worst day of his life (well one of the worst days – there was his mother's first suicide attempt at age 13, Rebecca's attempt a couple of years ago, the day he found that Izzie was sick, the day she left… but this day was definitely in the top five) – and Mark, the last person he ever thought would, some how made it a little more bearable.
He closed his eyes again, letting the tears fall freely and wet the pillow, and forced himself to take a few deep breaths, as deep as he could with all the pain that now came with every breath he took. After a few seconds he was somehow calmer, and he realized that Mark's hand was still touching his arm. He slowly opened his eyes again and stared at him. He had that weird look again and Alex also noticed how exhausted he looked.
"You've never called me Alex before…" He said, realizing it for the first time. Mark and he were not on a first name basis, and it had gotten worse once he started seeing Lexie. But in that conference room, and now, he used his first name. It was uncanny.
"I thought you were dead…" Mark suddenly blurted.
"What?" Alex wasn't sure that he heard right.
"In the elevator… when we first found you… I thought you were dead. Lexie did too." He explained.
And suddenly Alex got it – it was one of the worst days of his life. Even though he hardly remembered anything… just Reed's dead eyes, the sound of the elevator doors closing, the white hot pain as Mark put in a chest tube (after he specifically asked him not too – he remembers that too) – but it was also the worst day of Mark's life, and Lexie's. This day had been hell for them too. And he remembered something else now – as they put in the chest tube and he couldn't help but scream in pain until his throat was raw, they begged him to be quiet, so that the guy with the gun will not find them. They begged him and he kept screaming, putting them all in danger. He knew he couldn't help it; he was being operated on with no anesthesia and no pain medication. But he still felt bad about it now, as he realized that Mark and Lexie probably felt they were all going to die.
"Thank you…." He whispered, he needed Mark to know. "Thank you…"
Mark nodded, watching Alex's struggle to keep his eyes open. "Why don't you get some sleep? I'll stay until Lexie gets back." He said as he pulled the chair and sat by Alex's bed.
"The nurses told me you had a rough night…" Dr. Altman said as she peeled the bandages off to examine the incision. Alex had to avert his eyes. He knew it looked bad and will leave an angry scar. He knew this from seeing other patients heal, but he just couldn't bring himself to look at it yet.
It was two days after the shooting. He was back at Seattle Grace – the police had let the staff and patients to return there after they had finished processing the crime scene. He was also out of the ICU at last. Or was it three days? He wasn't really sure. All he knew was that it's definitely Friday. It's not that he had a real sense of time here. It's hard to keep track when he can't seem to stay a wake more that a couple of hours straight. But he did know for sure that it was Friday, because the two nurses in the morning shift wouldn't stop talking about their plans for the weekend (one of them talked about staying in bed all Saturday morning, while the other one talked on and on about going hiking with her new boyfriend). He must have looked really miserable then, because after a few minutes of cheerful blabbing, they got real quiet, and after a few seconds of awkward silence, the one that's going hiking said in a too perky voice "don't worry, you'll be up and running in no time". And then she readjusted his pillow, though he was quite comfortable as it was and didn't ask for it, before leaving.
And yes he had a rough night. They have been gradually taking him off the strong sedatives and pain medications, switching to other, lighter stuff, which just takes the edge off, leaving the fierce pain to nothing more than a dull throb. Last night he was due for another dosage, he could already feel the white hot pain creeping in on him, when a patient coded. It took the doctors and other staff members almost half an hour to finally stabilize him, before anyone came to check up on him.
But by the time he was finally administered some pain relief the pain had gotten so bad he was unable to speak, unable to breathe. He felt like his chest was being set on fire. He felt the chest tube in his body (how glad he'd be to see that tube gone. Altman promised that she might take it out later on today if he makes enough progress). And that feeling made him remember how it felt when that tube was put into him in the first place.
He had tried to calm down, once the pain was back to manageable levels, but he just couldn't. All he could think about was Reed's dead expression and the elevator doors closing in on him. The room was spinning around him and all he could hear was Lexie's voice telling him to be quiet. He felt bile rise in the back of his throat, and swallowed hard, before realizing it was a battle he had already lost, and started vomiting violently. He felt like his stitches might tear up and the chest tube might get out of place as his stomach clenching painfully over and over again for nearly twenty minutes, until finally some first year intern was smart enough to give him Metoclopramide for the nausea.
"I just didn't sleep well last night…." He said quietly, and Teddy didn't call his bluff.
"They also said that you haven't been eating." She gestured towards the untouched food trey at the base of his bed, as she put a new bandage over the chest tube. He couldn't help but to wince a little as her fingers brushed the fresh wound.
"I'm not hungry…." He said truthfully.
"Well you know the drill. You can't go home until you're off the strong pain meds, walking a little and eating solids." She added something to his chart and placed it back in its place.
He knew all that. It was surgery 101. Every first year intern would know that. And of course there was nothing more he wanted to do than to go home. He couldn't stand lying in this bed all day, completely exposed, having strangers poking and prodding him. He couldn't stand the thought about being so close to where it all happened. It made him feel a little panicked and it made him feel not safe all the time. He couldn't wait to be back in his room, in his solitary. But as hard as he tried he couldn't bring himself to keep anything down. He had always had that sort of reaction to anesthesia, it had always made the recovery period longer than usual.
It was funny – before, when he was lying on that conference table waiting for Lexie to return with the much need transfusion; when he genuinely thought he was going to die there, all he could think of was that he should have eaten more bacon. And now the mere thought of it made his stomach churn.
"Maybe you can get him to eat a little." She said to Meredith as she exited the room, leaving Alex to wonder how long had she been standing there.
"So you're not eating, hah?" Meredith asked, as she sat down by his bed, smiling at him. She'd been to visit him a few times before, but he was so drugged to even remember that. And besides, the sedatives were so strong then, that he wasn't much of a conversation. He looked awful, she had to admit. He still used a canola to help him breathe, which meant that his oxygen levels weren't doing so great. He was also really pale, despite the numerous transfusions he'd received, that he looked almost grey; his skin clammy. He just laid there so still, slightly favoring his right arm, because, it hurt him to even slightly move his arm, since even the slightest move pulled his stitches and caused the chest tube to shift. She knew this from Dr. Altman, who explained to her what damage the bullet had caused; what procedures she did to repair the extensive damage and what he will need for his long and painful recovery.
She couldn't help but smile guiltily to herself – compared to Derek, who looked more vivacious with every day passing, Alex just looked ill. She couldn't help it – Alex was her friend, and she did care so deeply about him, but Derek was her husband and the comparison calmed her down and eased her mind.
"You know Teddy wouldn't let you – "
"Go home, if I'm not eating? Yes I know…. I'm just really nauseous…" He said wearily but picked up the dry toast that lay on the plate, and took a tentative bite and then another one.
She stared at him for a few seconds trying to decide how to break the news to him gently so it wouldn't hurt him too much. She had spoken to Izzie earlier that morning. She had finally returned her frantic calls. She knew about the shooting. She also knew about Alex (Lexie left some sort of a message on her answering machine).
But she wasn't coming back. It made sense. Well, it made sense before when Izzie had explained it to her. That she and Alex were over. She told her that he had called for her (Lexie had told her so), when he was hurt. He was bleeding to death, he thought he was going to die, and he called out for her. Holding on to the thought of her coming back for him and getting back together. But Izzie said that she had finally moved on. She liked her job, and Meredith even suspected that she was seeing someone. Giving Alex false hope will do more damage (to the both of them, she said) then good. And in the long run, she concluded will only slow down his recovery, before she had hung up to get to surgery.
It had made sense. She knew she had a point. But seeing Alex like this, so fragile, in so much pain, she wasn't really sure anymore. He had to know. He had to accept it. But his condition wasn't really improving; even Altman said so, in a brief moment of frustration. Killing what little hope he had that his ex-wife might come back for him and that they still have that chance of a happily ever after, might cause a relapse. Depression was one of the reason for set backs in post-op patients, she remembered an article she had read once.
He stopped eating and was exhaling slowly threw gritted teeth, trying to force the little food he had to stay down.
"What?" He asked after enduring a few seconds of Meredith's gaze.
"Nothing –"
"When ever I think about eating, all I think about is choc-chip muffins, and rich chocolate cake, and a banana cream pie, almost as good as my mother's… because that's what she'd probably do, if she were here now…." he swallowed hard as he felt the bitter taste of bile in the back of his throat and pushed the tray away.
"Alex…" Meredith said and placed her hand over his "I talked to her…. She's not coming back…." She finally said it and watched the evident pain that crossed his face.
"I know…" He swallowed again, this time against the lump forming and constricting his throat. It was getting harder to breathe.
"She is not coming back – " she repeated.
"I know…." He whispered again, feeling the nausea rising. "I know – "
He closed his eyes shut, swallowing again, trying as hard as he could not to breadk down in front of Meredith and not to throw up all over her. He breathed in slowly, despite of the burning pain in his side. The pain medication was wearing off. He held his breath for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. He repeated the process for a couple more times, but it only made him feel lightheaded and that made the nausea worse.
Then his body just gave up. He felt the pain as his stomach clenched, before he felt the bile rise, as his body expelled what little food he had. He quickly shifted to his right (big mistake) and grabbed the pale pink kidney shaped basin as he started retching. It hurt so bad, he didn't even care that he completely missed the basin and vomited all over himself. He felt the chest tube shift and his stitches pulling, his back muscles cramping with effort. It made his eyes water. Meredith grabbed the basin and placed under his chin, as he clung to it as if his life depended on it.
After a few seconds the vomiting finally stopped and he was only dry heaving and he felt Meredith's gently stroking his back, it was somehow comforting.
"Sshh… it's okay…." She handed him a glass of water with a straw and took the basin to empty it. She then approached him softly and took off his hospital gown, exposing his bandaged torso.
He made the mistake of looking down at himself – he caught a good look at the bandages covering his chest, where he knew Dr. Altman had sawed his sternum, in order to get to the bullet that had torn his lungs, ricocheted off his right collar bone and finally jammed into his fifth left rib, missing his heart by an inch. The bandage was in the slight shade of pale pink, soaked in his blood. And though he knew it was because of the blood thinners he was administered to prevent clotting, it still made his stomach churn, making it even harder to get the heaving under control.
"Don't look, it's okay…" Meredith said, noticing how pale and even queasier he appeared (if that was even humanly possible) once he got a glimpse of his body. She quickly retrieved a new gown, and helped Alex to painfully maneuver himself to wear it. She tried to ignore the way he hissed in pain every time he shifted his right arm and the way he had tried to be as quiet about it as he could – she didn't know if he did that because she was standing close to him, or because now the need to be quiet was branded into him, by Lexie's desperate pleads in that conference room (Lexie had told her about that too, once Derek's condition was stabilized).
She adjusted his IV, adding some pain medication and waited until his hear rate was back to normal and the deep frown, which he had now almost constantly when he was in pain, which was almost all the time, disappeared.
Alex breathed deeply; it was easier now once the pain meds had kicked off.
"I'm not getting better…." He suddenly confessed.
"Alex… recovery takes time… and the recovery of one, is not like the recovery of another…"
"It's not what I meant…" He whispered.
"Oh…" There was nothing more she could say. She understood then that he was talking about getting over Izzie. And what could she possibly say to make it better? It will get better with time? He had given it time…. He had tried dating Lexie, was really serious about it from what she gathered. And she also felt a little guilty. Not like she felt when she had entered the room, because she was glad that Derek was healing fast, while Alex's recovery was slower, but because she was now happily married. She realized it now – she was happy, she was still happy, despite the shooting and loosing the baby. As long as she has Derek she was happy. And Alex… he had no one. Literally no one. Izzie will not come. His family won't come – she had called Aaron, right after she had find out. He was really upset and nearly got in his truck and drove straight to Seattle. But then he mentioned something about taking care of his mom and his sister and promised he'd call her back. He had called her back a few hours later, his voice cracking as he told said that their mom was so upset he doesn't want her to see Alex like that, and he can't leave her alone in her condition. He said that they might come once Alex is released from the hospital and their mom will be able to handle it. Just 'might'.
"Scoot over." She ordered him. Alex gave her a bewildered look, but he shifted in his bed a little, wincing in pain, allowing Meredith to climb next to him.
"It will be okay…" She soothed, "We will all be okay." She promised him as he drifted into a dreamless sleep.