My first update since...10/5/08! Good lord what have I been doing? It feels good to be back in the game with my new favorite fandom :3

To see what I had in mind for the observation deck, go to YouTube and type in 'Star Trek Observation Deck', it's the first one, 'TOS Observation Deck'. It's a 3D model.

This is just pure crack that came to me when I was trying to go to sleep last night, and I though it was hilarious. Each chapter will be more or less connected, but not in chronological order, aside from this first chapter. I just absolutely love it when Bones is thrown in just to be horrified at Spock and Jim's relationship, it cracks me up. Basically, this is 'All the times that Bones walks in on Jim and Spock and is horrified out of his mind'. This first chapter is a bit longer than the others will be, just to get it goin. They may get a tad racy, so M to be safe. Hope you enjoy ;)

It all started one day in the mess hall. You see, Leonard McCoy can be pretty observant. He can catch small things here and there, but without any reason to look, a lot of things can slip by him. So if he hadn't overheard a conversation between two ensigns one day, this never would have happened. He would have gone on with life, blissfully unaware of what was happening, and life would have been good. Well, as good as life can get when hurdling through the vacuum of space inside a pressurized tin can.

He was sitting in the mess hall, staring suspiciously at a pile of replicated mashed potatoes on his plate when something caught his ear.

"Are you kidding me? Have you seen them? They are totally hooking up, and if they're not they will soon enough." He snorted, damn gossip. He supposed there wasn't much to do as far as free time went, anyway. He continued on scrutinizing his food.

"I just don't buy it. I mean, they're friends, everyone can see that. Just because they spend a lot of time together doesn't mean they're dating. If it does, apparently me and you are going steady." A bark of laughter behind him, then:

"You should see they way the captain looks at him. It's like, the sweetest look I have ever seen. I wouldn't have believed it myself if it weren't for what I saw a week ago."

Wait, hold the phone. Jim? McCoy stopped his fork from where it hovered in front of his mouth and listened more carefully.

"What happened a week ago?" the male ensign asked eagerly.

"I was walking down the hall and happened to pass by the commander's quarters right as the captain showed up. He was wearing glasses, which I thought was really weird, but he looked reeeaally good but that's besides the point. So the commander answers the door, and completely freezes when he sees the captain. Like, for a Vulcan, he looked completely floored. And so he's staring, and the captain says 'Ready for our game?' and the commander says, 'Jim, you are wearing glasses'."

The last part is done in a lame mimic of Spock's speaking manner, and McCoy would have probably laughed if he wasn't frozen in terror at what he was potentially about to hear.

"And so the captain kind of just smiles at him, you know, and says that he got them from Dr. McCoy because his eyes hurt when he read for too long, and he was wearing them because he wanted to go over some reports with the commander, and I saw that he was carrying some PADDs with him."

McCoy remembers prescribing Jim glasses, thus adding validity to the story. This scared him further.

"Then the captains flashes this huge grin and says 'why, do you think they're sexy?'" The male other ensign just kind of laughs at the female's enthusiasm.

"That doesn't mean anything, you know how the captain is-"

"Wait! I'm not done! Then the commander smiles, well I mean a smile as far as the commander is concerned, and he says 'it is not entirely impossible'. I just about died!"

McCoy drops his forkful of mashed potatoes with a dull 'thump' on his plate, staring ahead blankly in horror. Good god.

The male ensign is laughing so hard McCoy's afraid he'll break something.

"Oh my god, the commander? No! The day the commander flirts with the captain is the day I romance a Klingon."

"Well, you'd better buy some tribbles cuz I saw it!"

"What happened then?"

"It was hilarious, the captain's face! His eyes got huge and his mouth just kind of hung open in shock, then he laughs and punches the commander in the arm saying 'you kill me, Spock'. And when he walked in, the commander totally check out his ass!"

"You're just exaggerating now."

"I swear it! I swear on my life he did, he looked down and bam! Staring right at it. Then he noticed I was kinda just standing there in the hall staring at him, and he stared back which scared the bejesus outta me so I saluted and more or less ran away."

The male ensign was laughing again, and he heard a loud sound that he assumed was him slapping the table.

"Oh my god, that's great."

"So ever since then, I've been watching them. It's like 20 times better than anything you can find on the nets. And now, I see everything I never noticed before. The way they look at each other, the longing stares."

"I think you have a little too much estrogen pumping through your veins." She snorted.

"Just watch them from now on, you'll see. Just watch."

McCoy has had quite enough of these lies and blasphemy. He stands abruptly, his food completely forgotten and he storms from the mess hall. He passes the two ensigns, and stares at them with an evil glare that could melt a hole in the side of the ship. They shrink back in fear, and McCoy feels a little pride. But it's nothing in comparison to the feeling of doom building in his chest.

And so now, it's all he can do not to see what he hadn't seen before.

He goes to the bridge to try and drag Jim down to sickbay for his immunizations that he's been putting off all month, and when he steps out of the turbolift it's just in time to see Spock hand Jim a PADD, and he sees the look that passes between them. Jim is smiling, like they are sharing some sort of inside joke, and while the Vulcan's face remains seemingly impassive he can see the humor in his eyes and the slight upturn of his lips. McCoy freezes, then pushes the thought from his mind.

No, you're losing it, old man.

Then again the next day in the mess hall. They are all on break, and everything is pretty normal as far as a day on the Enterprise goes.

"Hey, can someone pass me that PADD?" Nyota asks, motioning to a PADD in front of Jim and Spock. They both reach for it at the same time, and Spock accidentally puts his hand over Jim's. He quickly pulls it back.

"Sorry, Spock," Jim says, smiling at him.

"No need to apologize, Captain," Spock replies. Jim hands the PADD to Nyota and they begin to talk about the upcoming diplomatic mission, something about tentacles and proper decorum, but McCoy is staring at Spock, who seems to be fixated on the hand that touched Jim. He just stares at it, then rubs it lightly with his other hand and smiles.

Oh. My. God.

"Keptain, I sink ze doctor is broken." Everyone turns to look at McCoy, who appears to have short circuited.

"Bones?" Jim says,leaning over the table and waving a hand in front of him. Nothing.

"He is looking like he has suddenly realized something wery awful."

"I agree," Sulu said, leaning forward to stare down the table at the doctor.

"No!" Everyone freezes at McCoy's outburst. He stands suddenly.

"Bones? What in the world-" he freezes as McCoy points a finger at him.

"I said no, Jim!" He turns and walks away briskly, muttering something about space madness and Jim being the death of him. Everyone just kind of blinks, then slowly turn back to their meals.

"When was the last time the doctor underwent a psychological evaluation?"

"I don't know Spock but I think it may be time for another one," Jim says, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Nyota looks equally worried.

"Jim, I think maybe you should go check on him later. Make sure he hasn't taken nurse Chapel hostage." Chekov laughs.

Jim walks into sickbay after his shift and goes about looking for McCoy.

"Ah, nurse Chapel, nice to see you safe." She looks at him with a weird smile.

"Um, thank you Captain. The doctor's in his office." Jim smiles.

"Thanks." He walked in, not bothering to knock and finds McCoy sitting in the dark at his desk, his head down.

"You nauseate me," he murmurs, and Jim stiffens.

"Excuse me?" he says warily. McCoy sits up and points.

"You with your mushy lovey dovey thing. And of this whole damn ship of people- you know what? I don't want to think about it." He puts his head back down.

"Hey Bones, when's the last time you had your psych eval? Because I have no idea what you're talking about." McCoy raises his head again.

"Ah, you'll see soon enough. I just don't want to have anything to do with it." He scrubs a hand over his face then stands.

"Oh, and Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you about something." He walks over to the captain.

"Uh, sure Bones, what ab-goddammit!" He yells as a hypo is jammed in his neck. He rubs furiously at the area while McCoy tries to suppress a grin.

"I know you get some weird sadistic pleasure out of doing that, you bastard," he grumbles.

"See you tomorrow, Jim." Jim walks out of the office, and McCoy is sure he hears him say something about betrayal and hypo fetishes. Once gone, McCoy slumps down in his chair. Maybe he is just imagining it, that damn stupid conversation has planted some sort of seed in his head and he's letting it drive him insane. He pulls out some PADDs and starts filling out medical charts.

"It's so great to finally get a break." Jim and Spock are sitting in the observation deck, staring out at space.

"After the stresses of the past few days, I am sure all of the crew members are enjoying the lull in activity." Jim looked over at Spock with a huge smile, but Spock continued to look out at the stars, a serene expression on his face. Jim sat back against the bench, and let out a relaxed sigh. He could feel the waves of heat emanating off of his first officer who sat no more than a foot away, and his smile widened.

The stars shone softy against the blackness of space, and Jim could name a few planets in his mind among the many points of light. Jim's hand that rested on the seat between him and his first officer slid over slightly, towards Spock, then stopped again. Spock's eyes glanced over at the movement, then quickly back to the window before the captain noticed.

"I find that I, too, am enjoying this time." Spock glanced over at Jim and his lips quirked up slightly, then he turned forward again. Jim gaped for a moment, then blushed and shifted slightly on the bench.

"Well Mr. Spock, if I didn't know any better I'd say you were trying to seduce me." He meant it as a joke, in his nervousness it just sort of slipped out, and it was said before he could stop himself. Despite the terror in his chest he turned to see Spock's reaction, and the sight that met him made his heart stop. Spock was looking at him, but with those eyes, dark and smoldering in the dark, his lips slightly parted and he could feel all that attention solely on him. He swallowed, his throat dry.

"It seems that my attempts at subtlety have been futile." Jim's eyes widened impossibly and his mouth hung open, staring back in the dark at that gaze that threatened to consume him.

"I...what?" And Spock was scooting closer, and he held his breath, his hands gripping the seat under him like a fifteen year old girl, dammit, but he couldn't bring himself to move or say anything, for fear he would suddenly wake out of some beautifully cruel dream. The commander placed a hand over the one on the seat between them, and Jim loosened his grip. Placing his index and middle fingers over Jim's, Spock moved them slowly up and down, coaxing him to turn his hand palm up, and when he slid them along the soft skin between the fingers Jim's breath hitched.

Spock stared into Jim's eyes as he moved his fingers along Jim's hand, over the knuckles and along the wrist, slowly, gently, and Jim felt like he was about to melt right there on the bench.

"This..." Spock whispered, leaning in close to speak into Jim's ear. "Is how Vulcans kiss." His breath was hot on his skin, moving lower to puff out against his neck, and Jim shut his eyes tight and shivered. Then he felt a hot, wet mouth against him as Spock placed an open mouthed kiss to his neck. His eyes rolled back and he arched slightly, his hand shooting out to grip Spock's thigh. He moaned.

He was breathing fast, his blood was pounding in his ears and he felt his pants tighten impossibly. He panted as the mouth moved lower to suck at the juncture where his shoulder met his neck, letting out small noises and when Spock bit down lightly and raked his teeth over the sensitive flesh, he jumped and his hips bucked of their own accord.

"Oh, fuck." He felt Spock smile against his skin.

"Not yet." His eyes rolled again and he groaned, the hand on Spock's thigh tightening.

"You're going to kill me." He felt a puff of breath that he knew was a laugh, then Spock moved in front of him, pushing him back against the bench as Spock crawled over him. Jim fisted his hands in the blue material of Spock's uniform and pulled him forward into a kiss, their lips sliding together a bit clumsily but he was James T. Kirk, dammit, not some love-struck teenager. He was going to blow Spock's mind. They kissed, gently at first then deeper, Jim was reaching behind Spock to grip the hem of his shirt and then he pulled it up and they parted so he could hurriedly pull it over his head, and it was quickly followed by both undershirts. The crashed back together, tongues and lips and teeth, and now it was Spock's turn to wrestle Jim's shirt off, realizing that he wasn't wearing the standard issue black undershirt. He raised an eyebrow and Jim grinned, pulling him back down.

The captain reached back to grope Spock's ass, to which he was greeted with a groan. His hips bucked at the sound, brushing his first officer's and they both gasped. Spock explored the planes of Jim's chest, his fingers tracing smooth skin, the lines of his pectoral muscles and when his finger brushed over a nipple, Jim about died.

"Shit shit shit shit." Hishead was thrown back against the wall, his hands gripping Spock's ass, pulling him in, pulling him closer. Before he knew it Spock ducked his head down and took that nipple in his mouth, rolling it on his tongue and then gently scraping his teeth against it.

"Oh fuck," he moaned, hips jerking wildly. "Yes, yes. Oh fuck me." Spock continued to suck mercilessly, the sounds that his captain was making were shooting straight to his cock. He was straddling one of Jim's legs, his left leg was between Jim's on the floor, his right bent on the seat on the opposite side. He shifted, climbing completely on the floor between Jim's splayed legs, pulling his mouth away from Jim's chest. He moved lower to press soft kisses along his stomach, nosing the soft hair on his lower belly that trailed beneath the top of his pants. Spock's hand moved to the clasp, and a choir of angels sang in Jim's head. They hear the swish of a door and they snap their heads over just in time to see someone step in.

"Jim, Nyota said you were up here, I-SWEET HOLY MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND RIGHTEOUS." McCoy dropped his stack of PADDs and he stared in complete and utter horror. Jim turned bright red while Spock calmly stood and brushed down the nonexistent wrinkles of an imaginary shirt, but otherwise seemed unfazed. McCoy flung an arms over his eyes and desperately tried to find the exit without the use of his vision.

"I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW. What did I say, Jim? What did I say!"

"Bones! I-"

"NO, Jim! I said no!" He finally managed to find the doorway and quickly fled the area. Jim considered calling nurse Chapel to make sure he didn't try to fling himself down a turbolift shaft.

"I assume that you did not use the captain's override to lock the doors."

"Nope."

They sat there for another moment, then looked at each other.

"You quarters or mine?"

"Either will be agreeable." The haphazardly gathered their clothes, pulling them on clumsily (well, Jim did anyway) and half ran to Jim's room, ignoring the two ensigns that high fived as they passed.

On his frantic walk back to sickbay, McCoy passed the two ensigns that had more or less ruined his sanity.

"YOU!" he shouted, pointing at them, more specifically, the girl. She looked around then back at the doctor.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?" She looked absolutely terrified, but before she could respond he was off again, shaking his head and muttering to himself. From down the hall they heard 'THE NIGHTMARES. MY GOD, THE NIGHTMARES'.

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TOS observation deck