I'm Not Loving It

By Otaku no Baka

Read the Warnings for god's sake read the warnings: Russiamerica hardcore sex, rimming, ketchup as lube, extreme food fetish, and I guess dub-con. Also beware of my self own shitty beta skills because I still don't have a grammar beta. Ketchup idea came from Rhen Nightshade-aka Moonsilk's fic so she had the idea first.

Had writer's block for Have my Cake and Eat it too and was motivated by this...strange Hetalia doujinshi with America dealing with a bish-fied Colonel sanders as well as Ronald Mcdonald. I would give out the link but I think it might be gone from 4chan image-boards now -.-;

Still it gave me a strange idea and thus this came out. I am going to finish up Have my Cake and Eat it too I promise but until then enjoy this cracked fic. Tried a new style so...I don't know I have mixed feelings about it.

If I ruined someone's mind and you end up 'cannot unseen,' then I apologize beforehand.

No I don't own Mcdonalds, Japanese foods, or Hetalia geez.

It was hot.

It was sooooooo hot.

America wanted to die from all the heat but it was better than the winter. He was sitting in his apartment in only a pair of shorts, half undone. His glasses were on his head and he was fanning himself with his hand. Sweat poured down his back and chest, dripping down to his flat washboard stomach.

'God where is Tony with the mochi? At least I let the whale out and he's far away from this hell.' His alien friend went off for daifuku ages ago and hasn't made it back yet. Alfred suspected that he was with Japan playing video games and goofing off.

If it wasn't for the overwhelming population at the airport that was borderline hysteria, he would have went to Russia or someplace cooler for vacation. 'The weather man said it was going to go up in the nineties and then go down to the eighties tomorrow; I guess I can wing it.' It usually got cooler in the evening and with his air conditioner on it wouldn't be a problem.

Well that was until all the power shut off. "Fucking damn New York power outages!" He knew he should have shacked up in Virginia! HE KNEW IT! America cursed and punched the floor in his dark apartment, hearing the floor under him crack.

"Oh shi-" He didn't even finish his sentence as he yelled and fell through the floor, all the way down to the basement.

Russia sat in his office, violet eyes focused on the paperwork in front of him. It was the summer season but a lot has happened this current year, from the bombing of his capital to Poland's leader unfortunate accident in his own country. He sighed, the words starting to get hazy since he had been working since early this morning and it was almost two the next day.

A loud banging was faintly heard upstairs and Ivan was curious at the noise. Rarely anyone visit him and it was usually never this late. He walked down the stairs, the noise getting louder and louder. When he finally reached his door he was surprised at the site of America tumbling in and falling over; pouring outside heavily.

Alfred groaned at his place on the floor. Damn it was summer time and it was chilly, seriously what's up with that? Not only that but it was raining and he had jet lag from hell.

"Америка what are you doing here?" He wasn't upset but he wasn't happy to see the other nation. They had too many issues in the past and even with the recent treaty ending the cold war he was still skeptical about his presence.

"I wanted to get away from the heat and come here since England didn't want me over and Toris wasn't home." The blond slowly got himself up and off the floor; still dripping with water. Russia's house was in the middle of nowhere and the cab driver refused to go all the way, making Alfred have to hike almost a good mile in a thunderstorm. He knew he should have went to Japan's house but noooo this was quicker and it was closer and blah blah blah better relations.

Stupid boss.

"You got a shower or something because I am seriously cold man." America removed his glasses and tried to squeeze out his hat, not caring that he was dripping water all over Ivan's living room door way.

Russia sucked in a breath but ignored the thought that was going through his mind at how America looked younger and more pleasing to the eye. "Нет, all the hot water is temporary shut off for the time being."

"What the..." Alfred face faulted, his mouth hanging open. No hot water? How backwater was this country? It wasn't awesome and it wasn't American!

"Well could I have a towel or something?" He unzipped his jacket and started to strip off his wet clothing, not hearing how Ivan made a noise.

"Y...Y...Ну и чо." He huffed, embarrassed at his stuttering, and ran upstairs. Part of him expected the arrogant stupid nation to just barge in here and demand things but he wasn't expecting this.

Russia found America frustrating and interesting, ugly but desirable. The man was too young to do things but still went toe to toe and the words he spewed from his mouth caused such emotions to brew forth. But, there was something in America, that blond golden hair, those doe blue eyes, that smile, that caused long forgotten desires to bubble up.

He shook his ashen blond hair and tried to find some suitable clothing to throw at the man and probably mock at him later. Part of him reasoned that he simply hasn't been laid in a while and seeing his sister often was causing him to lose all rational thoughts. It even piped in that he found the younger nation attractive back in the man's colony and post-colony independent days and if it wasn't for England and the wars he would had made him become one with him then.

Russia ran down the stairs again, mock fake smile and closed eyes back in place. " Америка where are you? I know these clothes are too big for your body but maybe the pants would fit. Although, the slacks could be too tight from all that greasy food that you constantly consume."

Blue eyes glared and Alfred would have cursed if it wasn't from his mouth being full. He was still standing in the doorway but now he only had on a t-shirt and pants; hanging half way off of him. A hamburger was in his mouth from the pit stop he made in Mcdonalds along the way.

Ivan stood there, biting the inside of his cheek. 'God...' The teenage nation was slick and wet, his nipples poking through his damp t-shirt. His blond hair was flat, almost reaching his jaw, with the exception of nantucket sticking up like a beacon. The boxers were wet too and he could almost...

A smack was heard as Russia threw the towel at the blond's face. America spurted and managed to rip it off and continue to eat his meal. "Mmmmf mmmfmm gbsh!"

"Да such a pig, you can't eat and talk at the same time?"

*Gulp* "I said you are such a horrible host you commie bastard!"

Violet eyes rolled and he kept the same smile on his face, but the temperature went down a few degrees. "How many times do I have to mention that I am NOT a communist nation anymore?"

America pouted and gave his own glare in return. "You're still a commie bastard to me and you're so not getting any watermelon!" He originally brought the fruit as a peace offering and a bribe so he could hang out here.

Watermelon...Russia's eyes widen and his look broke temporary. Oh god he haven't had watermelon since the last summit in the states last summer. He wasn't going to beg the nation though, he would rather cox or steal the treat from him.

"Well if you don't be nice then I won't give you any clothes and just toss you outside again Да?"

"WHAT! That's cruel! I would curse you and declare war!"

Ivan gave him a look and America returned it. The two nations stood their ground but Alfred was the one who resigned with a sigh. "Fine fine." He knew his boss would have chickens if he tried to start another war with all the Middle East drama going on.

So Russia lead him upstairs into his own bedroom, even helping the man with his suitcase and bag. America noticed that Ivan was dressed casual, having only a long sleeve shirt and cargo brown pants. His scarf was on his neck as always.

The blond dried his hair and kicked off his pants. He wasn't happy being only in his shorts but it wasn't like he had a choice. "The watermelon's in here." America opened his black duffel bag and pulled out a good size melon. "You know how hard it was to get this through customs? You better enjoy it you ass." Alfred nodded his head; picking up the spare clothes, he ran into Ivan's bathroom without even asking.

Russia picked up the fruit effortlessly and giggled. He almost skipped downstairs into his kitchen, humming a tune. He continued to hum, pulling out a large butcher knife with a gleam in his eye. In a flash he cut the melon into round pieces, and then into triangle squares.

"Mmmm..." He picked up a slice, moaning at the juices and the wet sweet goodness melting in his mouth. Skipping back upstairs with a plate in hand, he opened the door to his room and stood there. Ah, America couldn't fit his shirt after all; it was sagging as well as the pants. He noticed that the nation didn't have underwear now...

"A...ah you're back!" America gasped and jumped; he wasn't being noisy honest! Out of all the times he been to Russia recently he never visit the inside of Ivan's room so he wanted to know if he had puppies, babies, or radiation in here. But it was just a normal room, with various books from time periods, a big mahogany desk, and such a lush looking bed that he was so tempting to sleep in.

"America, has your ignorance really succumb your senses? My house isn't nothing special, although it is bigger than that little place you call a home."

The blond huffed and ignored the gibe. "Whatever, let me have some watermelon." He took a piece and sat on the floor, munching on the fruit as well as the rest of his mcdonalds, ignoring Russia. He be damned if he acted like a prick just because the man in front of him was acting like one.

Russia paused in mid bite as he watched the juices dribble from the nation's mouth and down his neck. The white shirt he loaned him was open and the red liquid was running down his chest now.

Without even realizing it, he reached over and traced his fingers in the sticky juices, causing Alfred to spring back. "Th..The hell!" He stuck them in his mouth, tasting the watermelon and something else.

The blond looked up at Ivan who suddenly had this hazy gleam in his eyes. It was like during those times in the cold war and America wish that he had his gun or anything to defend himself. Damn him for being so casual; shouldn't trust the asshole after all these years. He was about to say something until he felt a body tackle him down.

"Ah..mmmm?" America let out a gasp as a tongue lapped up the remains from his chest and neck. What the fries was Russia doing! He squirmed and felt something nip his chest, causing him to hiss out.

Ivan didn't know why he was doing this at all; he did know that he wanted to taste more of this new combination. He reached over at the plate on the floor and pulled up a dripping piece of watermelon. Running it down the nation's chest, Russia started to lap up the liquid, tracing the man's pecs.

Alfred squirmed and tried to think about kicking the man off or anything but the ministrations were starting to feel good to him. 'Are you insane this is RUSSIA! R-u-s-s...ahhhh fuck...' He groaned as Ivan sucked in a nipple, pulling the nub with his teeth. The older nation pulled back only to bite into another piece of fruit and latch onto the other nipple, sucking the skin along with the pieces in his mouth.

The ashen blond man separated from the nation's body with a trail of saliva, savoring the taste of Alfred and the watermelon. He stared at the man under him, biting his bottom lip, eyes closed. Ivan could already feel the nation's cock half hard under him and tried to compose himself.

He hated him...but dammit he wanted more and the submissive look that America had...His cock twitched and made itself more noticeable in his pants.

America felt hands on his loose pants and he squealed, no matter how bad it sounded. "Hey this isn't cool!" The blond tried to push against Russia's head and away from his crouch. He blushed at his cock sprung out suddenly in the man's vision and how Russia gave a snort.

"Guess it is true on how small your country is."

"Fuck you!" He gave him the finger; his dick was bigger than average dammit! "Like you're really any better!"

Russia started that creepy ass chant and America suddenly regretted something that came out of his mouth for a change.

Ivan sat up on his haunches and started to unbuckle his pants and kicked them off with his underwear. America just stared and his mouth opened and closed like a fish.

"Oh dear god." It was like an one eyed hydra in his face. No that couldn't be possible, no man could not be that big.

"No...way!" He wanted to wake up from this nightmare, from the monster in front of him. Russia made a grunt sound and realized that he was holding him down with his hips and that thing.

"Quiet." He grabbed both of their cocks and without making another comment started to rub them together. Alfred gasped as he felt the head of his cock rub against the shaft of the bigger one, his foreskin rubbing against the sensitive underside of his penis.

"Ahhh...ah..." He thrust his hips up and grind against the other nation, feeling pre-cum starting to leak out now. America almost made a mewl of disappointment when Russia stopped.

Ivan was beaming at the power and the noises that he coaxed from the younger man. How the blond was grinding into him like a horny bunny, the whimpering from his lips. He was going to claim him and going to claim him hard.

"Since you love those disgusting things so much, how about I give them to you?" America would have made a remark if it wasn't for the pulsing heat between his legs. He felt Russia separate from him and shuffle somewhere in the background, until he appeared again with his beloved hamburgers.

"What?" The blond tried to get his brain in order and the fact that Russia was dissing his favorite food. He watched as Ivan peeled back the wrapped and pull the hamburger apart. The ashen blond haired man put the two halves on America's cock and started to move it up and down.

"Fuc...king...ah...ba...s..mmmm...ohhh..." This was blasphemy! This was wrong! Why did it it felt so good though? He was going to kick Russia's ass after this! The still warm meat squishing against his manhood along with the sauces was wonderful. He started to thrust up against the burger, smelling the processed meat and getting high off of it.

Ivan knew that the stupid nation was obsessed with the fast food but he didn't know it was this bad. He smirked as he used the sandwich like a sleeve, pumping and stroking the blond's cock harder and faster. America made a pained noise and he was shocked that he didn't just throw the disgusting food away and just fucked the nation raw.

Alfred put a knuckle in his mouth, closing his eyes and focusing on the smells, the feeling of the pickles rubbing against his head so often, the slick sauce. His mouth was watering and he knew he was at his limit.

Russia stared and made sure to memorize the way the blond man arched up and came hard into the patty, some of the sperm dripping in his hands. The teen was shaking and gasping, teeth marks in his finger. "Fuck."

He waited until he calmed down before removing his hand along with the smashed burger, grimacing. Ivan was going to throw it away until America reached over to take the ruined burger and actually started to eat it. The older nation watched somewhere between revulsion and fascination as he ate it, come and sauce dripping out on the side of his mouth. Russia was actually getting turned on from watching this.

Alfred wasn't going to waste food that's for sure so he decided to eat what was left of the smash up meal. It was kinda good, his own cum, special sauce, and patty all rolled into one. He licked off his fingers and locked eyes with Ivan, sucking on each digit to get it all.

Russia searched around him for the other item spotted it on the floor. He teared off the ketchup packet and decided to not take the nation raw like he originally wanted to do. Oh no he wanted America to scream his nation, to praise him and practically beg to become one with him.

"Ahh." America felt himself being pushed back again; legs being separated. He was kinda sated and horny, closings his eyes and long gone from caring anymore. Fingers traced his balls and he felt something spread his cheeks and panicked. He tried to struggled but realized that Ivan somehow wound his scarf around his wrists.

"W..What are you doing?" A finger pressed and he hissed. "Hey that doesn't belong there!" He groaned as he felt it push inside. Fuck he never tried to have anal sex before and didn't really want to do it now. "Russia...ngh..I...stop..."

Ivan closed his eyes at how hard it was just to push in a finger, even with the substitute lube. "Didn't I say hush? You sound like a virgin..." He glanced up at America's blush and blinked, surprised, but it was replaced by a haunting smirk. "You are a virgin here are you not? You never had anal sex before have you?"

"Yes I did! P...Plenty of times!" Alfred couldn't lie straight when the digit went in further and started to ache. He had those dreams of Ivan when he was younger but that was decades ago.

The finger was removed and instead replaced with something wetter and more squirmier. America wiggled his hips and tried to sit up and moaned in disgust. "Shit; Russia that nasty!" Feeling the larger nation's tongue in his ass was weird but good, the way it touched places inside of his body. He let out a wanton noise as it went in deeper, wiggling inside.

"Mmmm." Ivan made a humming noise and tried to hold down the young nation's hips. There was the taste of tomatoes as well as what he assumed was tangy and earthly. He curled his tongue with a flick, feeling the walls contract and squeeze his tongue in want.

"I...Ivan no...nhhh.." Russia's chest contracted and he thought his heart would fall out at hearing his human name from those lips. He parted from the man's anus and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

Taking off his shirt, he threw it somewhere in his room before seeking out those condiment packets again. Ripping another one open, he squeezed the sauce out on two fingers before pushing them inside America's ass.

"H..ehy I didn't say keep going!" Alfred smelt something tomato like and groaned at the squishing sound as well as the sudden intrusion in his ass. He felt the fingers push and scissor around, his walls clamping down and trying to push them back out.

"If you don't stop I will take you dry and you wouldn't enjoy that at all." Actually Russia wouldn't have done that, it would defeat the whole purpose of seeing America in his moments of passion.

The blond hiccuped and tried to relax his body; he felt three fingers now and thought something inside of him tore. 'It's not going to fit inside of me!' The part of him that was allowing this wondered how this feel wanted to try it, since Russia was so nice and got him off and all...

The three fingers started to move and he wiggled on them, impaling himself further. Ivan searched around the teenage nation inner walls until a small gasp made him chuckle.

"I found it Да~" He pushed against it again, causing Alfred to push on that hand and grind his teeth.

'Holy fucking KFC what was that?' Russia touched his prostate repeatedly now, causing America to fuck himself on those fingers. He was already hard again and just wanted to get off. "St...op doing that!"

"What is it that you want?" A humm noise and Alfred shivered at how Ivan's voice was still playful but deeper now.

"No...no I wouldn't say it..." Dammit Russia was twisting his fingers inside of him now and thrusting against his spot harder now. "Ju...just stop doing that and fuck me or anything!"

"Да that's what I wanted to hear~" America let out a stream of cursing words and actually spat in the man's face. Ivan rewarded him with a light smack on his ass, which caused him to push down all the way past the knuckle.

Russia pulled out and poured more ketchup all over the man's entrance. He thought about putting it on his cock as well and decided against it. Instead he spat on his hand and rubbed it against himself before pushing the head of his cock against the teen's pucker hole.

America froze, his hands straining against the scarf as he felt that monster dick press against his ass. He sputter and tried to talk out of it until it pushed inside.

"God...!" It hurt like a bitch and he sobbed as it pressed in further, his body trying to accommodate such a massive object.

"Relax you fool." Russia put one hand on the man's hips and the other on the floor near Alfred's head. It was tight enough to be a vice and so warm; he was having a hard time to not just cum at the warmth in contrast to his colder body.

He paused before pushing in more, only up to the middle of the girth now. Ivan sighed at the blubber idiot, who was crying even worse than Latvia. "Calm down; a hero like yourself should be able to deal with this Да?" The ashen blond man leaned over and whispered, "I'll make you feel good my Солнышко мое if you let me."

America gulped back the feeling of sickness and delirium as he felt Russia's breath near his ear and the weight of his body on him now. He breathed in slowly and shook as he felt all the man's cock in his ass now.

'I feel full.' It was odd, that all of that monster fitted inside of his body. America pushed back Ivan slightly to stare at the cock in his ass. He was memorized at how stretched his hole was, red and inflamed, and how Ivan's dick was pushed up to his balls.

Then Russia started to move and he felt like he was dieing. He just laid there as the ashen haired man hooked his legs on his shoulders and fucked him hard and fast, not letting his mind or body catch up. Pants and cries pushed out of his dry lips, bleeding from biting on them so much. When a hard thrust banged against his prostate he cried out and felt his toes curl.

"N...nghmn...no...no.." America gasped and felt his cock come without even touching it again. He closed his eyes and mouth as his own spunk caked on his face, dribbling down his cheeks.

"Ugh gross...stop...wait...ahhh...ahhh.." Alfred couldn't see but felt all the weight of the larger country on him and a tongue licking and cleaning him off. His body was still quivering from that last orgasm and he thought he would end up passing out at this rate.

It was so warm, so hot, so delicious. When Russia was fulling inside the other nation and the way the man under him gazed at their joined bodies he lost it. He started to rut the man senseless, feeling the hole easier to move around and something slick dribble down that was either sauce or blood he wasn't sure. Ivan cleaned America off before groaning in his ear. "Scream my name."

"N..o way you commie bastard..."

A particular hard thrust and Alfred felt his eyes roll back in his had. "Fu...ck...you!" he half scream, half moaned.

"No, here in my land I fuck you." He wanted to hear his human name again from those lips, again.

It was hard to think straight and he wanted to just give in so he could come again but he was the hero dammit...

He felt his hands loosen from their hold and with his leg he flipped Ivan over so that he was on top. "You're such a red asshole Ivan." America considering choking the bastard in this position, as he ran his arms up near the nation's neck heaving and gasping for breaths. Instead of trying to kill the man, America just laid his hands on Ivan's chest and started move again. "Ugh...you're a bastard but you feel good..." He tossed his head back and groaned, enjoying that he was in control now, even with a dick up his ass.

A thrust up and he gasped, Russia's name spilling from his lips. This position was different, he had control but Ivan could still move under him. America grind against him, both of them going in sync without even realizing it.

The cock inside of him grew bigger and the blond bit his lip. "Hgn...I...Ivan..." He covered his mouth at the name that spew from his lips but they were removed and held to the side. "N..o...ahhh.."

Russia smirked at his name from those lips and felt himself start to go. He gave one more powerful thrust and filled the blond up; releasing one arm to stroke the man's cock one final time. Ivan closed his eyes in satisfaction as he did hear his name scream from those lips and stick cum spatter on his face and chest.

"Dam..n you." America groan and just fell out on top of the man, not caring. He felt the dick pop out of him and his body spasm at the cum drooling out. He reached one shaky hand behind him and almost yelled at the gaping hole there.

"Mmm..." Russia was petting his hair and squeezing his ass, causing more of his cum to spill out.

"Stop...that...you god damn..." He was too tired to really argue and felt his eyes droop before finally crashing out on top of the Russian.

When America came to he was on his stomach in what he assumed was Russia's bed.

His ass ached badly and the comforter was around his bare skin. Alfred listen to the patter of water against the window. The nation's body felt clean and he wondered how the hell did Russia do that.

America turned his head and watch the man next to him sleep. It was odd because he never seen Ivan asleep before, even during plane rides or meetings. He would have that goofy grin on his face or that scary look in his eyes.

No the tousled light hair that was illuminating in the sunlight peeking through the window was awe inspiring. His face was less childish and with his hard chin and big nose he almost looked handsome.

'What are you saying this is Russia we are talking about!' America groaned and pushed his head back into the sinful down pillow. He dared another peek and found the lack of something on the man's body interesting.

He didn't have his scarf on and the criss cross lines, faint scars around his neckline made Alfred feel something he never had before with the other nation. The blond moved one numb hand and faintly touched them, causing another hand to shot out and scare the hell out of him.

"Now really Америка, attacking me at my most vulnerable state." Violet eyes glared at him but it was a contrast to the smile on his face. "Kolkolkol you want another round don't you?"Russia tighten the grip on his wrist and leaned over.

"No...no..NOOOO ARGGGGGGGGGGGG! !" Alfred cried out as the nation invaded him again.

Tony opened the door and jiggled the keys. That was basically his signal that he came home and that his human roommate wouldn't go off and try to shoot randomly again.

He had a box of yukimi daifuku mochi as well as takoyaki and dango. It took longer than expected since Japan was having several festivals as well as shrine holdings in Hiroshima.

The alien shook his head at the site of his friend on the sofa laid out and half naked. He knew it was hot but this was ridiculous.

"Tony...ugh..." America rolled over and the alien stared; the human was going though some kind of emotional phase at the gloom cloud as well as the obvious ambiance. "I just came back here like a few minutes ago."

Alfred wanted to crawl in a hole; Russia literally fucked him until he couldn't move. Then the bastard ate all of the watermelon and took him back home personally and sexed him up again until he gave into the villain and screamed so loud that that neighbors probably heard that he was going to be 'one with him forever and forever and forever...'

'I'm going to kick that mother fucking son of a bitch when he comes back.' The blond put a hand on his head at the memory of Ivan's words, since he discovered that he had his own sunflower garden patch out back.

"Ah I made a good choice in getting you first in becoming one with Mother Russia. Not only do I have someplace warm, but also these wonderful flowers~!" The joy in the nation's eyes almost made America blush.

Wait what was he thinking! Russia wasn't cute and he wasn't going to become one with him without a fight! "I'm going to kick his ass Tony when he comes back! Change the locks; the son of the bitch has the key!" Alfred roared, literally breathing fire.

The alien shook his head and sighed, putting the items down and dealing with his human's friend ranting once more.

Gion_Matsuri which takes place in Kyoto and spans all of July, Tohka-san festival which is June 8-10. Japan was also preparing for the Peace Festival: Hiroshima Atomic Bomb Memorial Day Service which starts August 6 http : / en. wikipedia. org/ wiki/ Gion_ Matsuri and http: /mothra. rerf. org. Jp/ ENG /Hiroshima/Festivals / 46 .html

Russia's hot water is shut off during the summer season throughout most of the city for maintenance by different sectors. The hotels are ok most of the time but individual homes are usually hit. There is usually a notice before hand and the shut off lasts about two weeks. The hot water is provided centrally rather than by heaters or individual pumps.

Yukimi Daifuku is a type of ice cream wrapped in mochi; the company Lotte makes them http: / en. wikipedia. org/ wiki / Yukimi_Daifuku

In Russia the weather at the hottest is fifty five to sixty five degrees and many times it's raining.

Time hour is confusing in Russia and New York so I hope I kinda got it right -.-;

There are random power outages in New York, most of the time in the summer because of the heat or just random idiots messing around with a generator or what not.

Dango: A japanese dumpling made from rice flour and related to mochi (which is a japanese rice cake.)

Takoyaki: Fried octopus dumpling balls topped with various kinds of sauce (such as mayo.) http: / en. wikipedia. org/ wiki/ Takoyaki

Солнышко мое: Little sun

Ну и чо: Whatever.