Oh Bonding, an icarly fanfic

I actually thought of this while I was at the gym. Who knew being surrounded by sweaty guys gave me inspiration?

I don't own anything.

"Seriously, leave me alone. I didn't do anything to you!"

Sam shook her head and closed her locker, laughing under her breath as she watched Freddie Benson being flicked and shoved against his locker and, oddly enough, it wasn't her doing it this time. Apparently, she wasn't the only one who has an affinity to hurting the nub.

Some new kid (She doesn't care enough to learn his name) from the east coast with a glandular problem decided Fredward was going to be his bitch. Which honestly is fine with her, she has other nerds that desperately need her attention. But she will admit it is kind of sad to watch Freddie flounder and stutter, trying to run away. Apparently her years of torture didn't toughen him up as much as she would have hoped.

"I know karate!" Freddie suddenly yelled as he was being lifted up by his shirt, his toes grazing the floor. She laughed out loud and slung her backpack over her shoulder and walked toward the laughably pathetic scene.

"Put him down whatsyourface." Sam said to the oversized boy.

He turned around and dropped the nerd immediately to the floor "Yes Ms. Puckett." He said, backing away from her. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all.

"Get up Fredweird. You said you would drive me home since Carly is doing whatever the hell she does after school." She said, kicking his shoe.

He groaned rubbed his head and Sam rolled her eyes, leaning up against the lockers and crossing her arms, waiting for him to stop being horribly injured. What a little bitch.

"Oh you can go now." She said, glaring at the boy, who then trotted away, to shoot birds in his backyard with a pellet gun, or whatever east coasters do in their spare time. "Get up Fredward, he's gone." She said, kicking his other shoe.

He groaned in pain and stood up gingerly, rubbing his head "Thanks for the save Sam."

"I wasn't saving you, I want to go home and you're my only way. If I was going with Carly, you would still be trying not to piss yourself while he beat on you." She said, shrugging.

"Why do I get the feeling you aren't lying?" he sighed, opening his dented locker.

"Because Mamma doesn't lie about two things and two things only. Food, and physical pain, mainly towards you." She replied easily, yawning.

"Thanks for the wonderful sentiment. I get all warm inside knowing this is what years of friendship and dating between us has culminated into." He replied, shaking his head.

"Don't sweat it." She replied.

Ring…Ring…Ring

Sam growled at her cell phone as it chirped loudly, disturbing the dead silence or her dark room. She felt around for the vibrating ear sore and grabbed it. "I swear to God I will butcher whoever this is with a giant meat cleaver." She grumbled into the phone.

"Hey Sam, I need to-" that annoying ass deep voice said into her ear.

Click

She threw her phone back on her night stand and turned over, willing herself back to sleep.

Ring…Ring…Ring

She groaned and grabbed her phone again "Okay Benson, what gave you the idea that I wanted to be woken up by your needy little voice. What the hell are you calling me for? Its 3:30 in the fucking morning nub!"

"Yeah I know, but I really need to talk to you." He replied. She growled loudly, hoping he would get the hint and leave her the hell alone. But of course, his oblivious nature didn't allow that to happen.

"Can't it wait four hours until I see you at school?" she yelled at him, sitting up in her bed and rubbing her eyes.

"Well, I didn't know if you were going to ditch or not. You change your ditching schedule a lot." He replied.

"…Good point." She relented and sighed. "Fine what the hell do you want? And it better be good or I'll make you regret being born."

She heard him gulp, which made her grin in triumph "I need your help with-"

"No." she shot back quickly

"Come on Sam, I need-"

"No."

"Sam-"

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"What are you an idiot? That doesn't work." She replied, yawning, becoming bored with him very quickly.

"I still need your help though." He retorted

"Alright nub, I'll humor you. What do you need help with?" she asked in a bored tone, flopping back down on her bed, staring at the blank ceiling. "Are you finally fed up with your mother and want to kill her? Then I can arrange for-"

"Seriously Sam for the last time I don't want to kill my mother! I told you after I move out we'll talk about that. What I need is for you to help me come up with a plan to get back at Randy." He replied to her.

"Who?"

"The bully who makes my life miserable, other than you of course."

"Who?"

"The guy you scared away yesterday."

"Who?"

"Are you being difficult?"

"…Yeah, ya caught me." She replied with mock sheepishness. "So what did you want my help with again?"

"I want to get back at him, and I need your help to do it." He replied, and she was intrigued.

"Why do you need my help?" she asked.

"Because you are the most diabolical, maniacal, sick, twisted, evil human being I've ever had the misfortune of knowing." He replied and she choked back a sob.

"I think that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said about me." She replied.

"Oh you know me, I'm always complimentary." He replied easily.

"Anyway, you have my attention. But now I can't go back to sleep because you woke me up for good." She said and she heard him sigh before silence filled both lines.

"You're coming over aren't you?" he asked after a minute.

"Open your window, I'll be there in ten." She replied.

"Sam, it's late…" he said unconvincingly

"Benson, open your window, because if you don't, I have the power to make your life completely miserable, physically and emotionally, until your only options left are to cry to your mommy or kill yourself. Personally, I hope you choose the latter."

"I love you too Sam."

Click.

"Will you hurry up Benson? Briggs is coming around the corner right now!" Sam whispered to her bumbling boyfriend as he darted across the hall out the side door of the science lab.

"I'm going as fast as I can without-"

"Benson, Puckett, I know your there." The annoying Randy Jackson loving voice rang through the science lab and Sam groaned, coming back through the door, hitting Freddie on the back of the head.

"Good going dipthong." She scolded, looking at Ms. Briggs who had an exasperated look on her wrinkled face, standing in the doorway opposite them.

"Me? You're the one making me carry fifty extra pounds of meat!" he shot back.

"You should have thought of this before you decided to-"

"Shut up you two!" Ms. Briggs shrieked and Freddie shrunk back at the sound, but Sam just rolled her eyes.

"Who pissed in your cheerios this morning?" she said to the hated teacher.

"I don't need your comments this morning Puckett. Both of you have detention for a week. This is the third time in a week I've caught you two ditching!" she screamed.

"Hey look, a distraction!" Freddie suddenly yelled and she turned around.

"Where?" she asked when she didn't see anything, but when she turned around the couple were already gone.

"I can't believe that actually worked again." Sam said laughing as the two walked away from the school, on their usual ditch path, that typically led to a small park a few minutes from school.

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it." He replied and she laughed when he used the word "ain't". It just seemed too unnatural for him to use.

"Anyway, so you wanted to make a plan?" she asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, I'm tired of this guy picking on me. I mean, the things he does are so-" but she cut him off with a wave of her hand.

"You're already starting to bore me. Get to the good part, the part where you beg me to help you with bribes and you telling me how much prettier I am compared to Carly." She said.

"You're so pretty. Carly is an old hag compared to you." He said and she seemed to mull it over.

"Alright a little harsh, but I'll take it. Now to the bribes if you will." She replied.

"The usual?" he asked and she shook her head.

"Not this time nub. You're going to have to get creative. Think outside the box, surprise me." She replied.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair "Okay start with the usual. Throw in an extra back massage, the new Cuddlefish CD, and… oh I got it. How about I distract Carly for an afternoon so you can take Gibby to the aquarium to see if he is sexually attracted to the dolphins?"

"Deal." She said quickly. "I bet you he is."

"Yeah, this is why you're going to take my camera to film it for iCarly." He said and she laughed.

"Hell yeah. We can call it 'Gibby frolics with sea creatures.' We can change frolic to fornicate if my hypothesis is right." She replied and they both laughed out loud.

"Oh God, you're a freak." He replied, clutching his sides in laughter.

"Basically." She replied through laughter, but they were able to calm down after awhile.

"Okay so you're in?" he asked.

"Survey says…why not." She said and he laughed.

"Did you just make a Family Feud joke?" he asked.

"Did you just laugh at a Family Feud joke?" she shot back and he was silent.

"Touché Puckett." He replied. "Okay but seriously are you in?"

"Duh, this is my kind of chizz. So do you have plan already?" she asked and he shrugged.

"Kind of. I know what I want to do, but not how to implement it." He replied.

"Then you came to the right girlfriend. Now tell Mama how you want to ruin this kid's life." She told him.

"I want to do something that will make him leave me alone for good, make him scared to even be in the same room as me." He replied and she snorted.

"Yeah, because the first thing I think of when I think Freddie Benson is scary." She said, rather sarcastically.

"Your sarcasm is noted Sam, but I'm serious. I want to do something off the hook mean to him, I don't care anymore. I can't stand that guy." He said and she nodded.

"Well, the best mean and viscous plans typically include embarrassment, harassment, and cruelty. At least that's what I use when I mess with you." She said and he rolled his eyes.

"Trust me, I know. I'm very familiar with your template." He groaned and she laughed, slugging his shoulder.

"Anyway, do you know anything about him? Any phobias? Any diseases you can make fun of him for?" she asked and he looked at her incredulously before chuckling softly.

"I think you might be enjoying this too much, even by your standards." He said and she shrugged.

"It's kind of my thing. Anyway, you need to put him down and make yourself look better at the same time, that is how to truly humiliate him. What do you have that he doesn't?" she asked and he scoffed, smirking.

"Good looks, friends, a girlfriend, charm, a grade point average higher than that of an average chipmunk…" she rolled her eyes.

"Calm down Fredward I get it. You said you already had a few things you wanted to do, so tell me while you're buying me smoothies."

"Is that everything?" Sam whispered to Freddie and he nodded, cutting one more wire and closing the box in the basement of the school.

"Yeah, that was the last thing that I had to be done. Now we wait." He replied.

"Well can we wait somewhere else? This place gives me the creeps." She said, looking around the darkened basement.

"Yeah seriously, plus it's cold as hell down here." He said, pulling Sam up the stairs and out of the basement back up to the main level. No one saw them leave the basement, neither did they care. Sam and Freddie often left secluded places together.

They made it back to their lockers, seeing Carly taking books out to start her day "Where were you two? Oh come on, don't tell me you were making out in the janitors closet again." She grumbled and Sam laughed, looping her arm around Carly's shoulders.

"Oh sweet innocent Carls." She said, poking her in the forehead. "We make out in the janitors closet on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. And it is clearly only Tuesday." She replied.

"Tuesdays are the iCarly studio." Freddie supplied.

"And Thursdays are in your laundry room." Sam added.

"No, remember we changed it to Carly's-"

"Shut up!" Carly yelled, cutting them both off. "I don't want to know! Wait, my what?" she asked and Sam smirked.

"Oh you'll figure it out." She replied and Carly involuntarily shuddered.

"Note to self, wash everything in my apartment." She mumbled and they both laughed.

"But seriously, where were you two?" she asked they exchanged looks.

"We were, um…setting things up for…" Freddie trailed off and Sam rolled her eyes.

"Freddie wants to get back at this kid who has been bullying him, so we were setting some things up." She said and Carly raised an eyebrow.

"We were bonding." Freddie said and Sam nodded, accepting the answer well enough.

"And by bonding you mean…?" Carly asked, a nervous look in her eye.

"Ruining a guy's life and forever scarring him, making him wake up in a cold sweat and screaming whenever he has a nightmare about Freddie Benson or Sam Puckett." Sam replied.

"Oh okay have fun!" she chirped, closing her locker. "I'll see you guys later." She said, walking away from them.

Freddie looked down at his watch "He should be here any minute, you ready?" he glanced at Sam, who had a smirk glued to her face.

"Oh yeah, let's watch this kid burn." She said and he backed away slightly at the tone of his girlfriend's voice. He thanked every God he could think of that he wasn't on the other side of that voice, for once.

"There he is." Freddie said, watching him walk through the school doors. They leaned up against the lockers side by side, watching as he went to his locker. He looked over at them and they didn't look away.

"What are you staring at?" he boomed and Sam grabbed Freddie so he wouldn't run away.

"Not much apparently." Sam replied coolly.

"This doesn't involve you." He said to her.

"Take one more step in this direction and it does." She said and he immediately stopped, growled, then turned around back to his locker.

"You have to teach me how to do that." Freddie whispered to her.

"It's called not being a pussy. Grow a set and man up, we have a whole day of this left." She whispered back. "Now pay attention."

They turned to look as Randy opened his locker, only to turn his head away in disgust. "Oh my God, that smells horrible!" he yelled, plugging his nose. "Why is there a dead fish in my locker?"

"Now Freddie." Sam instructed. He slipped out a small, wireless control pad out of his backpack and pressed one of the buttons. It activated the pulley system they had set up earlier, and now the smelly, dead fish catapulted out of the large boy's locker, smacking him in the face, sending him stumbling backwards.

Sam quickly grabbed her bag of marbles and threw them on the floor, right under his feet, making him slip, and landing on the floor with a deafening THUD. "Ridgeway, assemble!" she yelled out loud and all the kids in the area, almost all of them, descended on the area, giving Sam a questioning look.

"Commence pointing and laughter!" she yelled and the students did as they were told, pointing and laughing at the fallen behemoth, with a fish sticking out of his mouth.

"You do know that you two are the worst people in the world right?" Carly said from behind them.

"Then you probably should close your eyes Carls, because this shit is just starting." Sam replied.

Next was first period, the only period Sam, Freddie, and Randy shared, making it crucial. Sam slid into her usual seat next to Freddie, Randy a few rows in front of them off to the side. She noticed the students around him moved their desks away further than normal, because now his pungent smell included dead fish.

Randy tried to move around in his desk, but quickly found out that he had yet again been outsmarted. Stuck to his desk, a juvenile prank at best, but when stuck to a desk with Sam Puckett calling the shots?

Good lord.

He moved around, trying to free himself, but it was an attempt made in vain. "Stop moving Randy, you're disrupting the class." The teacher chided and he stopped moving, looking down at his desk.

The class went on for awhile, until Sam decided she didn't want to wait any longer. She sent the text, nodding over to Freddie who used his remote to automatically crack the window open directly next to Randy, without anyone noticing.

They watched as a small cage was lifted to the windowsill and the mysterious hands give thumbs up, before disappearing under the window. The cage door opened with Freddie's remote and Sam saw her very own Frothy look out the cage.

Randy then seemed to notice the cat and looked oddly at it. "Um, why is there a cat on the windowsill?" he asked aloud and Sam took her cue and hurled a water balloon that she snatched from her backpack at the boy and cat, soaking them both, making Randy stand up, desk still stuck to him.

"What in the world-" but he was cut off by the deadly cat jumping on him, mauling the boy. Frothy smelled the dead fish on the boy, along with the catnip that just so happened to be in its stomach. "Get this thing off me!" he yelled, falling to the floor, the desk still stuck to him.

Sam and Freddie laughed out loud, along with the rest of the class as he writhed under the viscous housecat. "Get off the odd boy!" the teacher yelled, trying to hit the cat with a broom, but mostly hitting the bully, adding to the hilarity of the situation.

Sam almost fell to the floor laughing as the teacher kept hitting him with the broom. Finally the cat seemed to calm down some when he dried "Come here Frothy." Sam said and the cat happily bounded over to its owner.

Sam pet the cat when it jumped on her desk and teacher stared at her "Sam Puckett, what is your cat doing at this school?" she asked.

"What isn't it doing at this school." She replied offhandedly.

The teacher shook her head and left the classroom, muttering something about not getting paid enough for this job. The desk boy was still on the floor, scratches and claw marks marring his face and body. Sam got up, stepped over the boy, and put the cat back in the cage. The hands came up again and grabbed the cage, taking it away.

"Come along Fredward." She instructed, bounding out of the room, Freddie following behind, but not before quickly sticking his tongue out at the bully, leaving the rest of the class to laugh at his expense…again.

Lunch came around later and Sam, Freddie, and Carly were at their usual table "So I heard what you two did to him in class." Carly said.

"Great right?" Sam replied, smirking.

"Not the word I was going to use, but apparently you have the whole school on notice. They're waiting for something big to happen for lunch." She said and the couple exchanged glances. "There is something big for lunch isn't there?" Carly asked, sighing.

"Of course, when have we ever done something half way?" Sam said, glancing at the bully sitting at a table across the cafeteria, still slightly wet and with the claw marks still there.

"By the way." Freddie said, reaching into his backpack and he handed something to Carly. She took it and saw that it was an umbrella. "You're going to need that in a couple of minutes." He said, pulling one out for himself and for Sam.

"Do I want to know?" she asked and both shook their head simultaneously. "I'm out of here. Call me from jail when this is over." She said, standing up with her empty tray.

"I always do." Sam replied. "But don't go yet, it's about to start." She said excitedly and Carly sighed, sitting back down and pulling out her umbrella. Out of the corner of the cafeteria, they saw a lot of the football players coming through the doors, carrying a rather large fire hose and Carly inwardly cringed.

"How did you get the football guys in on this?" Carly asked.

"I promised not to put their coach in an arm bar again." Sam replied, watching the scene closely. She and Freddie opened their umbrellas and Carly did the same.

"Stand back!" one of the guys yelled and all the students knew what was to come from what they saw earlier and ran out of the vicinity of the fishy smelling bully, who looked up in horror. He tried to move, but yet again, he was stuck to his seat.

"Unleash the fury!" one of the football players yelled loudly and the hose exploded, sending copious amounts of gushing white liquid at him, hitting him directly. Splatter of liquid went everywhere, but the umbrellas kept the iCarly gang dry.

"Are…are you spraying him with milk?" Carly asked in horror.

"Spoiled milk." Freddie correctly and Carly gagged.

"That's what that smell is. I am so out of here." She said, running from the cafeteria with the rest of the school. Freddie and Sam simply put their nose plugs on and watched the kid drown in gallons of chunky, smelly spoiled milk, happy looks on their faces.

Finally the football players turned the hose off and left the room, leaving the bully and the happy couple as the only ones in the cafeteria. Freddie and Sam got up from their seats and walked over to the bully, who was spitting milk out of his mouth.

"Tough break." Freddie muttered, leading Sam out of the cafeteria.

Finally the school day had ended, but of course not even this could stop the determined couple. Randy was at his locker, nervously looking around to the demon couple as he gingerly opened his locker and stood back, expecting another surprise. There wasn't one so he let out a breath.

"Hiya Randy!" came a voice from behind him and he jumped back, eyes widening when he saw Sam and Freddie there. "I trust that your day has been good so far?" Freddie asked while Randy continued to back up.

"Get-get away from me Freddie." He said, fearful and Freddie smirked a triumphant smirk.

"Promise me you won't ever bother me again and I'll happily leave you alone." He replied and Randy nodded his head vigorously.

"Y-yes sir. I promise I will never bother you again." He said quickly, putting his hands up. "Just do anything to me anymore."

Sam played mock regretful "Oh, I wish you would have told us that sooner, because it isn't over yet." She said and his eyes widened.

"No, please don't!" he said, and tried to run away, but he ran right into Principal Franklin, who did not look very happy.

"There you are Randy." He said, grabbing his arm. "You're coming with me, you're in very big trouble." He said sternly.

"What? Why? Those two have put me through hell today and you haven't even noticed?" he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at Sam and Freddie. "They should be the ones in trouble."

"I don't want to hear your excuses Randy. We found your pair of wire cutters by the fuse box in the basement, the one that leads to the teacher's longue. Your little stunt with cutting the wires made the teacher's longue 100 degrees and none of the coffee makers worked! Do you know what it is like having all your teachers hot, and tired? They're very cranky!" he exclaimed.

"My wire cutters? How do you know they're mine?" he asked frantically.

"Because they said 'Property of Randy Stevenson' on the handle." He stated.

"What?" he yelled. "You think I'm stupid enough to put my name on wire cutters and just leave them there?"

"Well, you are covered in disgusting crusty milk, are covered in what appears to be cat scratches, and smell like a dead fish and rotten milk. That isn't behavior of someone who is particularly smart, like Freddie for example." He said, gesturing towards the smirking teenager. "This kind of stunt could get you expelled you know."

"This is obviously a setup! They did this to me!" he yelled, pointing at Sam and Freddie as he was being dragged away.

"Oh and Randy one more thing." Freddie spoke up. "Enjoy the family of Hemiscorpius lepturus I left in your backpack." He said as the boy gave him a questioning look, before being dragged around the corner. "That was great." He said, laughing and hugging his girlfriend.

"I'm kind of, sort of, almost proud of you nub, for standing up for yourself. You do know you could've just asked me to beat the crap out of him and I would have done it?" she asked and he nodded.

"Yeah, but this was a lot more fun." He said, smiling and she couldn't help but smile back, and reach up to kiss him quickly, before they started heading for the door out of the school.

"By the way, what was that you put in his backpack?" she asked.

"A very poisonous species of scorpion, indigenous only to tropical areas, and parts of Nevada and Arizona." He replied.

"Does he know that?"

"No, but it's going to be really funny when he figures it out later."

So you know, Hemiscorpius lepturus is a very real species of scorpion, that has deadly venom. So if you live in Nevada and Arizona, run the hell away when you see any species of scorpion.

There, now don't say I never did anything for you