Losing My Mind

Time seemed to fly forwards. Someones hands were gripping at him, yells roaring in his ears, the very air seeming to split with their terror, horror. He looked around frantically, blood coloring his vision, running from under his fingers, dripping from his nails and the corner of his mouth as the person once more pulled him back. Then there was pain. His hands relinquished their grasp, and he crashed backwards as shadowy figures filled the room.

The haze only worsened as rage soared within him, and he fought back against the faceless beings holding him back and restraining him from exactly what he was trying to reach.

The intoxicating scent of blood filled the air, sent his instincts spiraling into oblivion. He struggled free and was about to lurch back to the source of the precious liquid, but then pure agony was clenching in his chest and he sank to the floor with a cry, under the weight of the pain, the fear, and the hands that pulled him back. He coughed violently as he sagged in the arms of the man who had pulled him away.

He could barely hear what they were saying, but he could feel someone pinning him down, and then exclaiming in horror as he choked on the blood that was rising in his throat. Through the blurred images, he could just make out Tomoyo and another woman bending over a blood-soaked figure…

Kurogane.

Anxiety flashed over his features and he struggled to rise, only managing to aggravate the attack. He collapsed back onto the floor, not trying to fight as the hands that had been holding him down turned him onto his side. Then everything went black.

Fai buried his face in his hands, hair drifting softly as his shoulders trembled in a suppressed sob. Kurogane lay on the futon that he was sitting beside, metal arm by his side with his real arm heavily bandaged and folded over his chest. He had been clothed in a stark white kimono, and that alongside Kurogane's black hair only served to accentuate just how unnaturally pale the ninja was.

What have I done?

He slowly lifted his head from his hands to look over the weakened man and wrapped his arms around his knees, drawing them close against his thin chest. A single tear clung to his eyelashes and threatened to fall, and he lifted an unsteady hand to brush it away.

Kurogane's soft breaths had been so dangerously shallow and irregular when they first let him in, and he had listened carefully to each precious one, not reassured in the slightest by the strength that they had gained in the past few hours.

It was morning now, but the events of the night before were as fresh in his mind as if they had only just taken place. It had taken three guards to fight him down, and if it had not been for the attack he had suffered Kurogane may well have been in a far worse state than he had been when they finally got to him. This was not even the kind of indirect harm he had always been faced with causing the others; Sakura and Syaoran, and especially Kurogane.

This was a matter of him physically attacking Kurogane and nearly killing him. He had been but seconds away from bleeding to death. That was it, just seconds.

And once again, he was still alive, strill breathing, even though he deserved nothing more than death after what he had done. How many more times would he hurt them? How many more times would he hurt Kurogane? Would he turn on them again, as he had now with both Sakura, the girl he almost considered a daughter who he had injured so mindlessly, and Kurogane, the man who had changed everything and still...? Would he lift a blade to Syaoran next? Was that all he was good for, hurting those close to him?

The soft sound of shifting material caught his attention, and his gaze snapped back to Kurogane, face a picture of unmasked misery. The man's blood-red eyes opened, and, after a moment of confusion, Fai saw the flash of remembrance in the red depths, and he quickly looked away to spare himself from seeing the disgust that he was certain would now be spreading over Kurogane's face. Those alluring red eyes would be trained on him, and the glare of utter hatred that he had seen before would be there for him. He did not want to see what he knew would be there, and so looked down to his knees.

They stayed silent for a while, and then Kurogane started to sit up. Fai shook his head and moved to stop him, placing a hand on his chest to gently push him back down, but Kurogane easily brushed him off and sat up, crossing his legs. Fai swallowed roughly, fighting back the tears that threatened and forced up a twisted semblance of a smile. It fell from his face as soon as he met Kurogane's eyes, and he slowly dropped his head back into his hands.

"I'm sorry." He whispered at length, voice wavering piteously as it pushed back the silence of the room. "I…"
"You did nothing." Kurogane said, his voice as controlled and casual as always. He loosely crossed his arms.

He shook his head slowly, bits of his blonde hair falling free from the black ribbon that had been holding it back and spilling over his face as he lifted a hand to his cheek.

"I nearly…"
"It's not your fault, idiot."

Kurogane said, there was none of his normal humor in his voice, instead, he just watched Fai with that carefully serious gaze. Fai felt a rush of bitter anger, and the feeling was so foreign and unexpected that it completely took him off guard. His hands formed fists and he slowly moved to rise from the floor, but something stopped him. He looked down to see Kurogane's artificial hand close gently over his arm.

Looking up at Kurogane, Fai felt something inside him twist, and he had to fight to keep his face blank. The dappled sunlight that filtered in through the window was illuminating the room, reflecting off the whites of Kurogane'sclothing and the sheets that had pooled around his waist, catching on the cold metal of Kurogane's arm. The man's kimono hung loose until it reached his middle, baring his chest, and his eyes had not moved away from Fai once, not judging, not hard, but with a tenderness that forced him to look away.

Kurogane released Fai's arm once it was clear that he was not moving. Fai slowly relaxed but could not bring himself to look at him, just looking to the floor, eyes closed as he listened to each of Kurogane's strong, sure breaths.

"Why did you need so much so soon?"

The words were not lined with anger, but with something he couldn't remember hearing from Kurogane before, and Fai looked up, single eye wide and pained confusion clearly visible on his every feature. Kurogane's hand lifted to brush Fai'shair out of his eyes, and then the vampire drew back, empty smile curving his lips as he stood up. Kurogane folded his hands in his lap and did nothing but watch as Fai slipped back into the cold shadow of himself that he had been retreating into since Celes.

Fai didn't look back and walked outside, sliding the door closed behind him. His back touched the wall beside the door and he covered his face with his hands as silent sobs wracked his body.

"There is nothing to gain by rushing your stay."

Tomoyo said, lacing her fingers underneath her chin and looking over the table to Kurogane and Syaoran, the image of logical patience in the whirl of frenzied panic. "Sakura, for the moment, is safe, and her state shall not change as of yet, but you all need more time to recover." She said softly, eyes shifting slowly to Fai, who smiled disarmingly. Syaoran nodded but looked away, back in the direction of the soulless body of Sakura, Fai realized with no small amount of guilt.

He remained silent as Kurogane agreed to lengthen their stay. He had nothing to add. Either he would die here, or he would die in some other strange, cold world. He wondered if it might be better if he never left here, if he just stayed behind when they made their plans to jump to the next world. He looked up when Tomoyo stood up, and rose from his own chair, smile firmly in place.

"Kurogane, if I might have a word with you?" She asked, reaching out a delicate hand to touch the ninja'sgood shoulder. The man nodded, as Fai knew he would, and then they were walking away.

Fai followed. Of course, he followed. She had not looked away from him once through the entire discussion, and he was forced to wonder if she had planned to tell Kurogane the secret that was meant to stay between them, one of the many things he wanted Kuroganeto never know, even though so many things had been stolen from him at Celes.

"You have made your choice… And this was the result! You must take the responsibility onto yourself. That is your curse!"

"Fai!"

He stepped down the hallways, treading silently on the timber floor and drew to a stop beside the door that led to Kurogane's room. He could hear them inside, but the relief he initially felt upon hearing one of her musical laughs lasted only moments. He could hear Kurogane's voice clearly through the thin walls, and he froze, wretched disappointment slowly etching over his face as he realized what it was he was overhearing.

"…Besides, no matter where you are, I always know. You and only you."

Kurogane was renewing his vows to his princess, and as Fai listened from the other side of the wall, the man he loved swore that he would always return to her side. He knew that the man was loyal to her, was true to his oaths, but this was yet another cold wall between him and the man. Another wall the he would not attempt to break through, and that Kurogane would never admit existed.

He smiled softly and walked away, one hand tracing along the timber frames of the walls. He had no intention to eavesdrop any further. Hearing the truth was just too painful.

The next morning, he found Kurogane in the training grounds. Although the stoic man refused to speak it, Fai could tell instantly that the arm was causing him more trouble than the ninja had first expected. He could see it in the way the man was standing, the shift of his centralbalance every time he swung the katana.

It would take some time for him to become used to it, Fai knew it as well as Kurogane did, but it pained him to see the man so frustrated with his inability to retrieve his formerly honed skills.

For a while he just watched Kurogane and the other fighters train. He sat on the edge of a small wall that framed yet another simplistic but elegant garden, hands on the wall and head high. The breeze occasionally picked up a few locks of his lengthening hair, making them drift over his face, but he made no move to tuck them back.

The kimono he wore today had caused a smirk of amusement from Kurogane. He had just smiled and joked along with him as always, as he would have before, feigning ignorance to the fact that yes, it was a woman's kimono. The male versions of the kimonos here all seemed to have been made favouring Kurogane's build. They were all far too big for his thin frame, and so wearing the ones that fit had been the natural thing to do, even though it still caught a raised eyebrow here and there.

He smiled listlessly as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand, letting his eyes follow Kurogane. He was already regaining a little confidence in his movements, and it was showing in the way that his opposition were beginning to swap to the defensive as Kurogane performed the deadly dance that seemed to come as natural to him as breathing. The fingers of the hand that cupped his chin reached up to touch the lowest edge of his eye patch, and his smile faltered.

At least Kurogane's disablity would not forever change him. He would become used to the difference in balance, to the weight, and then he would adjust. He would always be able to adjust. Hadn't he always preferred to work alone anyway?

No, his death would not cause the man an inconvenience.

"Feels pretty damn weird but… this ain't half bad." Kurogane admitted, looking over the short distance to where Fai sat, sheathing his katana and stepping from the ring. He heard himself speak as if he were listening to another, the strange lilt in his voice and the nickname that he nearly had to force from his lips. Of course, the reaction that his reference to Kurogane as a puppy learning it's first tricks was the same as always; the grunt of irritation, the glare as he demanded for him to shut it.

He should never have baited him, Fai thought, forcing his lips to twist into a smile, as he looked to the slowly advancing Kurogane, katanaheld loosely by his side. It was a senseless thing to have done, he didn't have the engery for another mock-fight. He was always too fast for the ninja, and today would be no different. Although there was something about succeeding in ruffling Kurogane's feathers that reminded him of before he accidentally let his walls down; and it almost made his smile genuine.

The extra quirk to his fictitious smirk seemed to be that extra little push, and then Kurogane was running at him.

Nimbly dodging out of Kurogane's reach as the sheathed blade swung down towards him, Fai wondered once more, why he had ever begun these pointless taunts towards the man. The ninja grunted in irritation as the over swing made him stumble and Fai smirked. Oh, that's why.

Each time Kurogane lashed out for him, he slipped out of the way, even managing to trip Kurogane up on one dodge, but then Kurogane's temper began to get the better of him, and Fai was forced to back away, lifting his arms and smiling as he yielded.

Both of them were surprised when Kurogane misjudged his balance, courtesy of the arm, and continued forwards. He crashed into Fai, knocking him to the ground in a swirl of silken fabric. Fai's breath left him in a rush as his head collided with the floor, and Kurogane only just caught himself before he landed squarely on top of his companion, arms either side of Fai.

Fai grinned teasingly from underneath him and he and he quickly moved away. Fai laughed as he sat up and looked as if he were about to burst into teasing him when he flinched, pain flashing across those beautiful features as a pale hand shot up to clutch the fabric over his thin chest.

Kurogane's eyebrows furrowed in concern, and he reached out too hold Fai's shoulder in case he fell, the blonde still seemed to be in the grasp of pain, delicate face drawn. All of a sudden the expression vanished to be replaced with fear. He moved forwards and opened his mouth to speak but before he could do anything else, Fai had shoved him away, leapt up to his feet and bolted off in the other direction.

After a moment's confusion, he let his katana clatter to the floor and ran after him.

Fai had only just rounded the first corner of the temple near the training grounds before he dropped to his knees. He knew what was happening, and he knew that it would only last for a moment, but the knowledge did nothing to hold the pain at bay. It took hold of him quickly as it always did, and he clutched his chest as he coughed, breath catching and choking as the thick red liquid filled his throat and spattered onto the lush grass. It felt like his lungs were ripping.

Another bout of the violent coughs cut off his panicked sobs, and soon his arms refused to hold him up any longer. He dropped to the floor and curled up, trembling hands grasping the bloodstained fabric of his kimono, panting for air between each expulsion of blood. Slowly, the pain seemed to ebb away, and he struggled up, swaying weakly and reaching out to the wall for support. Blood had dripped down from the corner of his mouth to his neck and onto the neckline of the pale kimono, and was also in his hair, on his hands.

He dashed a hand over his brow and left a smudge of blood as he took an unsteady step forwards.

Kurogane would follow him. He had to get away before Kurogane saw the blood.

It was too late. He turned his head just in time to see the stronger man come sprinting around the corner, to see him freeze in his steps. "Fai…" Tears blurred his vision as panic constricted his chest. This couldn't be happening. Kurogane was never meant to know, he couldn't know.

With a desperate shake of his head, causing bloodied blonde hair to fly up into his face, he turned on his heel and ran.

Fai only managed to take a couple of steps before his entire body was gripped once more with the relentless agony. "No!" The single word left his lips in nothing more than a faint whispper. He staggered forwards, breaths coming in ragged gasps as he tried to force himself to keep moving. The pain defied his desperate pleas and built at an alarming rate. Fai sank to his knees with one hand grasping at the wall, fingers jerking over the timber as he heaved, more blood spilling from his lips as the wall between him and the unrefined power gaped ever wider.

Darkness crept in on his vision and he collapsed in a heap as the pain retreated once more.

Fai didn't know how much time passed while he fought to cling to consciousness. He felt so horribly weak, and when he heard the distant sound of someone yelling and he tried to cringe away, he found that he could barely move his fingers. He only vaguely felt Kurogane pulling him into their arms, and he lay there, not moving, barely breathing.

Then the entire world lurched, and his body jolted with each distant thud.

His vision blurred and his lips parted in a wordless moan as the world swam. He heard Kurogane's voice above him, felt the man cradle him closer to his chest, and then he was sinking into the nothingness.

A/N: There it is, a long overdue little chapter. Not as good as I had hoped... but it's better than nothing right? :) Give me a review, tell me what you think! I hope it wasn't that horrible!

Nice big thanks to these wonderful people in no apparent order! Soundless life, PeanutButer, Sky Child, Bob Da Peach, Emeraldgeminideathboar, Jiaqianyin, Mimi, Alguien22792, Megalomaniac, OriginalMimiKthxbai and Micro Chibi Baka-San!

So many reviews... I really hope this chapter was okay! *hides* Thank you all so much for reviewing! It's so exciting! :3