Disclaimer: One day, my diabolical plan to own Axel and Roxas and force them to makeout every day of their existance until the end of time will succeed, and I will be a happy, happy person. Until then, I *guess* Tetsuya Nomura can have them. For now.

Author's Notes: Uh, hey there! I'm Grey, and this little baby is the first chapter of my very first fanfic story, Unarranged Marriage. So, funnily enough, this story is vaguely based off something that happened at the bookstore where I work at. And it got to me to thinking, what if it led to this...and then it made me giggle, and I figured I would give writing a try. So yay for inspiration. Anyway, I've only written the first part of what I estimate will probably be a three-parter. So if you like it, be sure to look out for the next part when I write it. :D Oh, and the title won't make any sense until later on in the story, like the second part (or third if it becomes a four-parter.)

Also, I'm a huge fan of crack humor and perv!Riku and psychotic!Axel. So yeah. Be forewarned. ;)

An Unarranged Marriage

"You're hired."

These two seemingly innocuous words would be the death of him. The single catalyst that would bring about his own Apocalypse. A ticking time bomb that would inevitably explode in his face in a horrible world of badness, and would in all probability result in a desperate need for some serious, hardcore therapy afterwards.

Roxas Strife didn't know this though.

Not yet.

Roxas, being unable to see into the future, did not know the fate he sealed for himself as he shook the hand of his new boss. Had he any sort of precognitive abilities, he would have taken corrective measures to ensure that none of it would ever be able to come to fruition. Knowing the volatile blonde, it probably would involve the complete annihilation of the bookstore that would be his downfall, taking everybody down with him in a flaming ball of glory. Or, y'know… something.

As it was, however, Roxas just smiled brightly, if not somewhat nervously. "Really? I've got the job?"

Roxas made a note to thank his lucky stars later. He really needed the job to help pay for his college tuition so he wasn't swimming up to his eyeballs in debt. Radiant Garden University was expensive. And finding employment that was willing to work around a school schedule was a bitch. He was about ready to go and pimp out his body to pay for his classes, or worse, take out student loans, until he had finally swallowed his pride and begged his older brother to help him get a job.

The manager grinned widely as he began to give a tour of his store to the newest recruit, and Roxas tried not to dwell on how creepy it made the man look, especially with those yellow eyes that almost seemed to glow. "Oh yes. Sora's one of the greatest employees we have at the Hollow Bastion Bookstore, and when he mentioned that he had a little brother…well, we just knew that you'd be a great addition to our bookseller team."

Roxas willed himself to believe that the older man was not leering at him in a most predatory manner, because it probably wouldn't be a good idea to assault your manager on your first day of work on account of sexual harassment.

"Oh, um, th-thank you, Mr. Xemnas, uh, Sir. I'm glad to, uh, be working here today." Roxas winced at his own stammering, distracted by the hand that had found its way around his shoulder. He reasoned to himself that this crazy silver-haired man with the golden cat eyes probably meant it to be a fatherly-mentor gesture, but all Roxas could think to himself was, "child molester." He grabbed the nearest object that could pass as a blunt force weapon should the need to protect himself arise, and clutched the dictionary to himself possessively.

Roxas was brought out of his inner debate on how to best remove the creepy hand that had dared to enter his personal bubble without losing his new-found job by an equally creepy chuckle. "Oh, just call me Xemnas. Besides, you're already part of the family, after all that Sora's told us about you."

Something about the way he said this had Roxas on instant alert. It was not something he was going to like. "It's like we've known you forever." The way he smirked and increased his leer sent shivers down Roxas's back.

"Like how you used to have Little Mermaid bed sheets until you were thirteen -"

-Roxas turned an embarrassed shade of red-

"- and then Sora was nice enough to show us all of your naked baby pictures -"

-Roxas's jaw dropped-

"- and he told us about that cute heart-shaped birthmark you have on your -"

Roxas squawked, waving his arms around wildly while scrabbling to pick up the remaining shreds of his manly dignity, mortification burning his face to a blazing 200 degrees Celsius. "What? Why the hell do you even know those things about me? Why would Sora even tell you?"

Xemnas looked at Roxas like the answer should have been rather obvious, even to someone possessing somewhat dubious intelligence. "Because we asked." Roxas's eye twitched, gears turning in his head furiously. Obviously he had no choice. If he just took out everybody here, he could flee to Mexico, get a new name, start a new life, and then no one would know about that damn heart on his -

"Hey, Roxas!" a familiar voice called out from behind. The blonde spun around to the source of his current irritation, eyes narrowing. Sora.

A boy who looked almost identical to Roxas, except for the wilder brunette hair, strolled up to his brother with a grin on his face, clasping his hands behind his head. "So is ol' Xemmy giving you the orientation?"

Xemnas laughed. "Oh yes. We were just talking about that unusual birthmark on his—"

"Sora." Roxas's teeth made an audible grinding noise.

Sora's grin faltered slightly as waves of fury radiated from the other teen. "Roxas? You okay? You look a little tense."

It was then that Roxas tackled his older brother, and managed to get written up for physical assault on his first day on the job.

It was a job. A good job, in fact. The pay was pretty good too, when you took into account the immense flexibility he was granted concerning his school schedules. Yes, working at the Hollow Bastion bookstore was all that and a bag of chips. Not to mention the employees he worked with were fun to be around. There was always Sora, his dearest older brother who had convinced Xemnas to give his poor little brother a job, and not to mention the loud-mouthed, musically-talented Demyx, with whom Roxas had quickly formed an easy camaraderie.

(That is to say, after Demyx had a great laugh at Roxas's expense following his dumping a bucket of water on the shorter blonde, and after Roxas retaliated by bringing in a SWAT-worthy Super Soaker squirt gun that was nearly the size of the soon-to-be-drenched Demyx the next day to serve up some payback, they formed their quick camaraderie.)

There was also Zexion, who was as quiet and reserved as Demyx was loud and obnoxious. He also seemed to be the only one in the store who could successfully instill any small measure of somberness into the faux-mohawked musician. Roxas thought he was pretty cool, if not a bit geeky. Roxas once commented on the fact that the store always seemed to be a little cold to him, and the slate-haired man then proceeded to give a twenty-minute lecture complete with pie charts and algorithms that involved imaginary numbers and hypothetical calculus on why it was the precise temperature that would preserve the books the longest. Roxas made a note to never mention anything of the sort again.

Marluxia and Larxene were rather creepy, but they hardly ever emerged from the stockroom. Judging by the sounds he could hear coming from within - they were either watching porn, enacting it, or making small animal sacrifices - he vowed that he was never touching anything back there ever without disinfectant gloves.

Xemnas was pretty insane, and often Roxas wondered how anyone thought that giving him control of his own store would be a good idea, but he stayed out of his way as much as possible, so it was usually okay. Except maybe for the not-so-rare occurrence when he would pull out a machete that Roxas was relatively sure was against the "No Weapons" policy in the store, and sharpened it with grandeur while sending a meaningful glance to anyone who happened to be slacking off. Usually Roxas. (Who had given some time to consider the possibility of Xemnas possibly being related to his cousin's ex-boyfriend, Whatsisname. They both had the long, flowing silver hair going for them, as well as an obvious lack in moral inhibitions. Sacramento, was it? Not quite. Seraph? No, that wasn't it either.)

And then there was Riku.

After a month of Roxas getting hired, Xemnas announced that the staff would attend the orientation of the new hire to meet him. And Riku joined the employment team. Roxas felt an instant amicable friendship towards the white-haired boy.

And by amicable friendship, I totally mean homicidal rage. Well, it didn't start out that way. Oh no. Roxas had felt complete and total apathy towards him for a grand total of 3.4 seconds, which was about the time it took for Riku to lay his eyes on Roxas's innocently ignorant older brother and, very obviously I might add, mentally remove Sora of every article of clothing. Roxas could practically hear the strip tease music playing in Riku's head, which he was fairly certain was a poor rendition of Ice, Ice Baby. It was at this point that Roxas began to stab Riku with the nearest book. How he managed to impale the "pasty-faced lecher," causing him to need 13 stitches, with a paperback copy of Surgical Castration for Sex Offenders was anybody's guess.

Riku's perversion aside, the job was pretty great, and the next six months of Roxas's days as a retail seller went by smoothly and peacefully.

By which, I obviously mean that Demyx nearly burnt down the store—how, exactly, he almost accomplished this was a mystery, and he sure wasn't telling, although if you were to ask Zexion, he would cough discreetly and turn a curious shade of pink before smoothly changing the subject with a quiet murmur—and in the process of putting out the fire, managed to instead flood the entire store, ruining the entire stock of books and having to close the shop in the week that it took for a new inventory to arrive.

Sora attempted three times to turn the stockroom into a homeless shelter for stray kittens, thus setting off Xemnas's feline allergies, which lead to multiple trips to the hospital as his breathing tube slowly swelled shut each time Sora found a new furry friend. This almost lead to a suspension of Sora's pay, but nobody—not even the heartless Xemnas—could resist those impossibly blue puppy-dog eyes.

Xemnas was forced to try to explain to Sora about the birds and the bees after the brunette made the fatal mistake of walking into the stockroom one day while Marluxia and Larxene were…uh, well they certainly weren't hard at work back there. At least, not from a professional standpoint. Depending on your level of perversion, you might be able to say they were very hard at work. But that is slightly beside the point.

Several PowerPoint presentations, pie charts, and diagrams later, Sora was still as clueless about where babies come from, and Xemnas was fighting an aneurysm from the repeated failures of his attempts to educate Sora. He eventually settled for telling Sora that Marluxia and Larxene were…making a call to the stork. Which he figured wasn't a total lie, since it was only a matter of time before Larxene got knocked up from their… activities. Sora pointed out they didn't have a phone. Xemnas sighed—Why me? he wondered, not for the first time—and made a convoluted lie that had something to do with an intricate ritual ceremony that was needed to call the stork, which was what Sora had walked in on. Sora's mouth formed an 'o,' and thanked Xemnas solemnly for imparting his worldly wisdom on him. Xemnas mentally calculated the days to retirement, and cried internally.

And then there was the annual Christmas party, where everyone thought Larxene was kind enough to bring a fruitcake (and, really, that should have been the biggest warning, because having the words "Larxene" and "kind" in the same sentence is either a horrible, horrible lie, or a sign of the apocalypse. Unless the sentence is "Larxene loves being kind almost as much as Satan loves puppies and donating to charity." Then it would be fairly accurate.) which was later discovered to contain more than enough alcohol to put down approximately thirteen African elephants into a coma. The less said about this party, the better. (Xemnas also threatened to fire anyone on the spot who ever dared to mention it again.)

And, of course, Roxas and Riku both nearly got fired every single day, Roxas on account of physical assault ("Damn lecher can't keep his grubby paws to himself," Roxas seethed, still attempting to fit Crime and Punishment down Riku's throat.) and Riku on account of sexual assault ("Uh usth unt elp uhself, hees sho ud ooking!" Riku squawked—Zexion, being the most intelligent of the bunch, was kind enough to translate this into "I just can't help myself, he's so good-looking"—arms flailing wildly as his jaws tried to operate around Dostoevsky's most famous work making its way past his tonsils. Sora remained blissfully ignorant of all of the proceedings.).

All in all, all things considered, those six months went by as smoothly and peacefully as can possibly be expected, considering they all made for one really messed up employment staff. Yup, life was good.

And then Axel came and shot it all to hell. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself. The destruction of the world—at least, Roxas's little world—doesn't come until later, so we'll continue on with our regularly scheduled programming.

Life selling books to Hollow Bastion's general populace was a pretty relaxing gig in Roxas's book, and, considering the sheer number of college students flipping burgers and having the smell of grease permanently seep into their every pore, he counted himself to be pretty lucky in the employment world.

And then Demyx mentioned to Xemnas one day, "So hey, I've got this friend who could totally use a job…" in a manner similar to how Sora had done to get his beloved baby brother hired.

That day would be the starting catalyst in a snowball of events that would result in Roxas's eminent and inevitable humiliation, degradation, and general decimation of any shred of masculine pride that he ever hoped to build with his whole so-much-as-look-at-me-funny-and-I-swear-I-will-cut-you thing he had going on.

Looking back, Roxas would realize that as a friend, Demyx sucked. And he would never be able to forgive him for the torture that he went through because of it. He made a mental note to extract his revenge later.

(And months down the road on the day after said revenge, Roxas would come to discover that being related to Sora had major perks. For example: When Demyx would come storming into work one day wanting to know who the hell had dyed every article of his clothing hot pink and confront Roxas, he would look up in faux surprise, widening his baby blues that were identical to his brother's just the right amount until he was practically oozing innocence, and would point at himself, saying, "Who, me?" And because he looked so much like his do-no-wrong brother, Demyx would believe him. Roxas would pat his own back later in a congratulatory manner, smirking for getting away with it.)

Roxas sighed at the giant mound of books that were sitting innocently at a wooden table flanked by giant plush armchairs, forgotten by whatever customer had pulled them out and expected the workers to put them back away. It was tedious, mindless work, straightening up the store. Not that he minded. He was paid pretty well for doing next to nothing. Even so…

Roxas turned down another aisle, continuing his valiant search of customers in need (which there seemed to be a never-ending supply), to find another stack of books, this one of the graphic sex variety, shoved away in an isolated corner. His eye twitched, hoping that rubber gloves and disinfectant would not be necessary to put them away. It wouldn't be the first time.

Even so, sometimes he wished that some people weren't so… messy.

He was glad it was almost closing time. He wouldn't have to deal with any more customers in - here he checked his watch - just under forty minutes. After another hour of cleaning the store for the night, and he was home free. Roxas gave a little weary sigh. Good, he was going to go back to his dorm and sleep.

But until then, he still had his job to do. He stared at the porno books with distaste. They stared cheerily back, looking as if they were in the throes of complete ecstasy. Roxas wasn't entirely sure how that was possible, but he increased the level of his glare anyway.

He picked up the top book in the pile with two fingers, trying to touch the least amount of the cover as possible while not dropping it. He held it out at an arm's distance to inspect it.

There on the cover was a woman with shiny red lips, laughing as if she had just heard the world's funniest joke, holding what might have been a cucumber up to her jovial mouth. Roxas squinted his eyes and tilted his head 28 degrees to the right, trying to read the title without allowing the book to come any closer to him. How to Tickle His Pickle.

Oh. Oh.

Roxas quickly dropped the book with a bark of shock and revulsion as comprehension set in, and frantically rubbed his hands on the front of his shirt in a desperate attempt to disinfect them.

Zexion ghosted past the aisle in that moment, nearly giving Roxas a heart attack. His gasp alerted Zexion of his presence, and the quiet employee backtracked to where Roxas stood, raising an eyebrow in question. Roxas frowned slightly. He couldn't get over how stealthily the slate-haired man moved.

"Don't sneak up on me like that, Zex. You'll give me a heart attack." Roxas massaged his rapidly beating organ in his chest, trying to calm it down to a normal rate.

Zexion smirked quietly. "Well, if I had known that you would be immersing yourself in sex books, I would have made sure to stay well away. I do not need to be a witness to that," he murmured in his soft, arrogant tone.

Roxas fought an embarrassed blush and growled. "That's not what I was doing, and you know it." He pointedly ignored Zexion's quickly growing smirk, and scooped all the books into his arms to head back to the information desk and dump them onto Sora to put away.

The brunette, who spotted his good-for-nothing-but-annoyingly-talented-at-getting-out-of-work brother approaching with his arms full of books and pleading eyes full of crocodile tears, and glared. And then crossed his arms to bolster his resolve. Because he was so not going to do Roxas's job this time.

Roxas strolled up, failing to hide his grin. "Sooo-ra," he called out in a sing-song voice.

Sora upped his glare, which really just looked more like a pout. "Roxas, if you think for one second that I am going to put those things away for you again, then you are wrong."

Roxas put his hand over his heart and feigned hurt, like his older brother's words had wounded his soul.

"Sora, you are my dearest older brother. It hurts me that you would think that I came over here just to manipulate you into doing my share of the work. Really." Roxas jutted out his lower lip just slightly for emphasis, a technique that he had learned from Sora long ago.

Sora didn't seem too happy about his own attack being used against him. He crossed his arms and put on his best glare. "Roxas, you put those away right now, or…or…" He scrunched up his face to think of a good threat. He suddenly grinned in a rare spurt of maliciousness. "Or I will tell Zexion that it was you who spilled coffee all over his research paper notes."

Roxas took a step back, shocked. "You wouldn't. Besides, you know that was an accident." Sora snorted derisively, but Roxas continued on, pointedly ignoring him. "And he had them all backed up on a computer anyways. So no harm, no foul. There's no need to bring that up. Opening old wounds, and all." He chuckled nervously while scratching the back of his head.

Sora wasn't having any of it, and raised an eyebrow. "Put away books, or face Zexion's wrath. Which do you want?"

Roxas frowned. That was not an idle threat. He had seen Zexion angry a grand total of one time, and that was when he had received an A- on a psychology exam. Roxas had read about it in the paper. Some creepy old professor guy named Vexon who coincidentally happened to teach Zexion's Psych class had wound up in the psychiatric ward spouting gibberish about the darkness and hearts and some other creepy stuff. Zexion seemed very smug the next day when his grade mysteriously changed to an A+, murmuring something about how a good mindfucking did wonders in the academic sense. Roxas had the good sense not to ask.

Roxas sighed with great aplomb. "Fine, fine. I'll go put away the books." As he trudged away resignedly, Sora called out to him. He glanced back over his shoulder.

"Oh, Rox, I almost totally forgot. Xemnas asked me to tell you. We've got a new employee getting hired."

Roxas narrowed his eyes. "If it's another useless waste of space like Riku, tell Xemnas to save himself some trouble and fire him already." He turned around again and managed to take another step.

"He also told me to tell you to be nice to this one if you said something like that," Sora admonished. "And that we're supposed to meet him tonight after we close."

Roxas scoffed. "I have better plans for tonight than meeting the new guy. It involves me sleeping and not being at work longer than I have to be."

Sora shrugged and held his hands up in the universal sign for I'm-just-the-messenger-and-would-really-appreciate-not-getting-shot-as-bodily-harm-does-not-sound-like-fun-times-to-be-had. "Sorry, Xemmy's orders. Besides, maybe the new guy'll be cool." He grinned brightly. "Or maybe he'll be your new punching bag. I'm sure Riku would love a break from that."

Roxas gave a bark of laughter, turning away with a pile of books in hand to put away. "Don't hold your breath. That'll never get old." He shook his head lightly, still chuckling as he got back to work.

Roxas tilted his head back, staring at the bookshelves that seemed to stretch until they reached the ceiling. He had one last book to put away, and then the store would be clean. And thankfully it was almost time to close. But before that, he just had to find out where the remaining book was supposed to go. He stood in an aisle that was rarely perused, due to it being in a far corner of the store where the light fixtures never seemed to work properly. As the light flickered on and off, shadows played off of the wall. He resisted the urge to shiver. If there was ever a corner of the store ideal for murderers to accost unsuspecting employees, it was this one. He really hated this corner.

He spotted the hole where the book had been pulled from. On the top shelf. Of course.

Roxas glared at the offending book in his hand. Then he glared up at the shelf where the book was supposed to be, a good three feet above his head. He growled, cursing his short stature.

He spied around for a stepstool to bolster his height, to no avail. He sighed, glancing back up to where he was supposed to place the book, which in his imagination seemed to be growing further away by the second. He could always get Demyx to do it for him, he was kind of freakishly tall, but that would just result in a barrage of teasing. Roxas's glare increased. Not going to happen.

He could always climb the shelves, of course. Sure, there was an ostentatious sign that proclaimed that it was strictly against the rules to do so in big red letters, but if he didn't get caught, no one would be the wiser. And then he wouldn't have to deal with Demyx calling him "Shorty" again. He liked the musician, and would feel bad if he had to kill him now.

He looked both ways to make sure Xemnas wasn't around to see him – last time he broke the rules (which, if memory served him right, was yesterday) and gotten written up ("The pasty-faced bastard totally deserved it," Roxas had defended himself to Xemnas, glaring at Riku who was looking beaten up but smug as Sora fretted and tended to his numerous bruises) the tired manager sighed and warned him with a month of bathroom duty if he stepped one more toe out of line, along with a vague threat to skin him alive while simultaneously extracting his intestines as Roxas watched on helplessly - took a deep breath, and began to scale the shelves.

He placed his foot gently on the first shelf above the ground, not sure if it would hold his weight. He had seen them break once before when someone else had the bright idea to climb them – hence the warning sign – but that had been Riku, and as far as Roxas was concerned, Riku was a big, fat, prissy bitch. So Roxas - short, skinny Roxas - should be safe.

He reached another shelf higher, and felt, rather than heard, an ominous creaking as his current foothold shelf strained in protest. Roxas gulped, instantly realizing that this probably wasn't a fantastic idea. But, Roxas thought, glancing upwards, it's only one shelf more. I'm saving Demyx's life, the ungrateful bastard, by not giving him an opportunity to tease me and being forced to murder him afterwards. He lifted his foot to climb the next shelf, but the creaking turned into a wail of metal screaming that it really did not like this idea at all, why would you do this to me, whyyyy? Roxas immediately put his foot back down on his current shelf-hold. He frowned up at the hole again. He could probably reach it if he just stretched his arm a little…

He reached up with his right arm with the book in hand until he felt his shoulder was about to pop out of its socket. While using his left hand to hold onto the shelves to prevent him falling, his fingertips just brushed the hole where the troublesome book ought to be – one more inch - when he felt it. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up on end, and he could just feel that somebody was staring at him.

Roxas gulped, realizing that this was Murderer Corner, and got the sudden and irrational thought that a possible stalker, would-be murderer/rapist, waited below for him. Okay, maybe his imagination was getting away with him after that horror movie marathon with Sora last night. But still. It was totally possible. Goosebumps rose on his arms and his palms started to sweat, endangering his precarious hold on the bookshelf.

He shook his head violently. He was being ridiculous. He resisted the urge to smack himself in the face. While he was sure it would help him regain his common sense, it was also a failsafe way to ensure he went plummeting to the ground. Sure, it was only a three-foot drop, but still. If a stalker-possibly-insane-murderer-maybe-even-Hannibal-Lecter was there, waiting for a fleshy snack, he would be falling right into his arms…

No, no, no. He was being stupid. He was going to look down, and no one was going to be there. Yes, that was exactly what was going to happen. He was going to show himself that he was all alone. Nooobody there. Yep. Just going to look down, and he would see that everything was alright in the world. Nobody there. All alone…

Roxas looked down. And he was not alone.

There below him was a tall, lanky redhead, whose spiky, fiery hair seemed to have just exploded from his skull, looking almost too thin for his body to support itself. He had eager, luminescent green eyes that were taking him in with a half-lidded gaze. And he was grinning hungrily….and staring somewhere around Roxas's midsection…

Roxas looked down at his stomach, to find a good two inches of skin exposed, his shirt having lifted up from his one arm still extended in the air. He felt his jaw slacken slightly in horror. This guy was obviously a depraved pervert. His brain automatically resupplied the theory of the stalker-slash-rapist-slash-murderer.

"Hey, gorgeous. You gonna stay up there all day and stare at me," – Roxas, eye twitching slightly, took a moment to inanely debate whether to point out it was not him doing the staring – "or you gonna come down and talk?" the stranger said, smirking fit to burst.

Roxas scoffed. Talk. Right. If by talk you mean steal my skin to upholster your couch and leave my corpse in a river, which I know you totally mean.

Roxas noticed that his foot was level with this crazy man's stomach, and tried to calculate whether he would have enough time to run into the employee break room and lock himself in after kicking the redhead in the intestines.

It was at this moment that Roxas's sweaty palms betrayed him, and he fell from atop his high perch with a most unmanly shriek.

Roxas scrunched his eyes closed, expecting his skull to meet an untimely death on the floor. When no such impact came, he slowly ventured one eye open. He immediately wished that his brain had been allowed to splatter on the ground.

"Hello, beautiful. You must be an angel, because I swear you just fell out of heaven and into my arms." The tall, possibly deranged, man held Roxas in his arms, where he had caught him bridal-style and stopped his death plunge. He looked almost proud of himself, as if he thought his pickup line was rather clever.

Roxas didn't think it was clever. Not clever at all.

"Excuse me?" Roxas's demanded indignantly, eyes narrowed dangerously. He cursed himself for leaving his cell phone in the break room. He could so be dialing 911 right now.

The tall man looked like he couldn't decide if Roxas was being particularly dense or not. Hesitating slightly, like it should have been rather obvious, he proceeded to explain himself. "Get it? Because you fell from up there, and…and I caught you...and…uh…" His voice trailed off at the look of pure murder on the short blonde.

Roxas growled viciously. "Put. Me. Down."

Instead of having the desired effect of the tall man complying and apologizing humbly and leaving him the hell alone, the stranger seemed to regain his mental footing instantly and grinned again. "No can do. So sorry." He didn't sound even the slightest bit repentant. Roxas narrowed his eyes further until they were just slits in his face with a vicious glint of blue.

Roxas reached discreetly behind him towards the nearest shelf, hoping to grab a book to beat the tall man with. "And just why can't you put me down?"

"Well, being the considerate gentleman that I am, I figured that your legs must be dead tired, because you've been running through my head all day." He paused thoughtfully. "Well, maybe not all day. But at least the five minutes I was watching you." The ubiquitous grin again.

Roxas, who had just managed to grab a hefty hardback book that promised maximum beating potential, stared up into the maniacal green eyes with a disbelieving stare. "What the hell is wrong with you? Who the hell are you?"

The redheaded man looked like this was the opening he had been waiting for the entire conversation. "I'm Mr. Right. I think you were looking for me?" He was positively beaming at himself for coming up with that. Roxas felt sure that he had a notecard somewhere full of similar pick-up lines. Probably to lure in potential victims for his rapist-murdering hobbies, the damn bastard. Playtime was over.

Roxas brought the book down in a wide arc – well, as much as he could manage while still trapped in arms that were a lot stronger than they looked – and landed a solid hit right where the man's windpipe should be, if he remembered anything from his Anatomy class.

Roxas thanked his lucky stars he hadn't slept through that particular lecture, as this had the desired result of Roxas being released from his prison, and also granted him the less desired aftereffect of being dropped ungracefully on his backside.

Contusions on his coccyx aside, Roxas had regained his freedom! He sprang to his feet, and began his mad dash to the break room with its blessed lock and phone that would soon be used to notify to police of the new local sex offender looking for prey. However, the strained gasp for air of the lanky man, now lying on the floor in what appeared to be complete paralyzing agony as he tried to regain function of his larynx, made him pause for a moment.

Now, one who may not know Roxas very well may think that he stopped briefly due to guilt from causing a complete stranger bodily harm. And maybe this is the case. Maybe Roxas would be able to forgive him of his corny pick-up lines and scoundrel intentions. Maybe Roxas thought that beneath the creepy possibly-molester exterior, there was a fine man worth apologizing to for nearly killing with a book, and then asking out on a date for that weekend, which would lead to a long life of love and romance together.

But really, Roxas just wanted to make sure that he didn't leave a job unfinished.

He cautiously approached the spluttering man. (The bloodfest movie marathon was a very educational experience. You couldn't just assume that they were incapacitated. That's how they get you and turn you into a zombie. If you're going to do a job right, make sure you do it right the first time. A double tap, if you will.) After making sure that he wasn't about to jump up the moment he lowered his guard, Roxas gave a swift kick to the man's ribs and pointed dramatically.

"That's for trying to steal my skin for a jacket, asshole!" And with that, Roxas hightailed it out of there, and successfully locked himself in the employee room.

Still on the floor, the redhead, coughing and wheezing in an attempt to reopen his windpipe to take in sweet, blessed oxygen, stifled back a choked bark of laughter that really sounded more akin to a pitiful, pained gurgle than anything else. He weakly struggled to raise himself up on his arms for a moment, before decided that breathing was currently easier when lying down.

A moment later, he then realized breathing would be easier still if his nose wasn't buried in the carpet. Rolling himself over, he laid an arm over his eyes, chuckling once more (which, again, in his current predicament, sounded more like an asphyxiating goldfish).

"This…pant…this is going to be…pant…very interesting."

And then he grinned most maniacally.

Okay, wow. So that's my first chapter! Yay me. It took forever, but it made me giggle alot, so I'd say it was worth it. Please leave any reviews, critiques, criticisms, what you liked and might like to see more of in coming chapters. And if you find any spelling or grammar mistakes, I'll try to figure out how to change them. :D

Until the next chapter!