Summary: Jack and Daniel have been turned into little kids and they're driving Sam (and everyone else) crazy!

Timeframe: Slight AU, Season Three-ish.

Characters/Pairing: Established Sam/Jack and Janet/Daniel.

Genre: Humor, kidfic, AU, Drama, Hurt/Comfort

Rating: PG.

Note: This story came about from a dream I had. In the dream it was Jack and Teal'c who were the kids, and they were in a mall, crawling around the ducts to escape the mall cop, but I figured Daniel would be more in character as a giggling little kid than Teal'c, and the SGC would be the perfect setting. I also managed to squeeze two separate prompts into this one. Go me.

Prompt #1: Jack in mud.

Prompt #2: camouflage.

Little Rascals

Part One

Sam stomped unhappily across the grounds outside the base to find a similarly unhappy Teal'c striding to meet her half-way with two very muddy five-year-olds, one under each muscular arm. The boys were squirming and giggling so much that Sam thought the Jaffa might drop their slippery little bodies.

It was hard for Sam to think that the mud-covered little boy with the big brown eyes and messy brown hair (currently indistinguishable because of the muck) was actually her husband. Okay, so he wasn't THAT far off in this current state, Sam considered with a roll of her eyes. Jack DID tend to act like a little boy half the time.

Teal'c didn't look happy at all. He'd been watching the boys for only half an hour while Sam had been trying desperately to complete some lab work. She wasn't happy to have her work interrupted to come take the boys back, and Teal'c wasn't happy to be smeared with mud from the two rascals.

She grimaced apologetically as the Jaffa stopped in front of her. "I'm really sorry Teal'c. I didn't think they could get into too much trouble playing outside for a change."

Teal'c's face remained a stoic mask. He set the boys down on their feet and practically shoved them toward Sam. "I believe I now require a long session of kelno'reem."

Sam took a dirty hand of each boy and grimaced at the cold, squishy mud that oozed between her fingers as she did so. Heaving a sigh, she glanced down at the two innocently-grinning boys beside her. They were both so covered in mud, the only way to really tell the difference between them was their eyes. Daniel's enormous bright blue eyes were obscured by too-large mud-smeared glasses while Jack's doe-like brown orbs stared up at her, smiling without the use of his mouth.

She heaved another sigh, leading the two mud-wrestlers back to the base after Teal'c, who was already several meters ahead of them.

.

Sam managed to wrangle Janet into helping her get the two boys cleaned up. They were dragged, literally, kicking and screaming into the locker room. It was easier to clean up the mud wrestlers there than in the VIP suite, and since Janet wasn't busy with any patients at the moment, Sam knew she could count on her friend to help. After all, Daniel was her fiancé; she should be helping take care of him in this very vulnerable state. Sam was forced to do the same for her husband.

For better or for worse, Sam found herself often repeating in her head over the past few days.

"I don't want a bath!" Daniel shrieked while at the same time Jack screamed, "Let me go G.I. Barbie!"

Sam was not amused at the nickname Jack had chosen to give her when he was being particularly churlish. He knew her name was Sam, and that she was not his mother, but he didn't remember anyone, or even who his real mother was. Neither did Daniel. That had been a cause for many problems from the get go. Luckily, though, the boys had learned to get pretty comfortable with at least Teal'c, Janet, and herself.

Seeing Sam's frustration at the boys' petulant behavior, and getting a little annoyed herself, Janet decided it was time for a harmless little bribe. "If you boys behave you can have a special treat after your baths, okay?"

Jack stopped trying to duck away from Sam's grasp for a moment. "What kinda treat?" he wanted to know, eyeing Janet cagily.

With a smart smile, Janet said, "Dessert." She saw the immediate gleam in Jack's dark eyes. She knew his weakness and wasn't afraid to exploit it.

"Okay." He gave a nod of approval at the idea.

Daniel seemed thoughtful for a moment and nodded his agreement as well.

Janet got the feeling her pint-sized fiancé was pining over the commissary's homemade chocolate-chip walnut cookies; his favorite. She reached into the shower stall to turn on the water and adjust the temperature as Sam did the same in the stall to her left.

Suddenly envying Janet for Daniel's compliance in allowing her to remove his mud-caked clothing without a fight, Sam made a grab for Jack's shirt as he tried to dodge her. She'd only gotten his shoes and socks off so far. So much for behaving for dessert. That lasted, ohh . . . about twelve whole seconds.

Sam managed to get a grip on the muddy shirt despite Jack's efforts and pulled it off the wiggling five-year-old easily. A triumphant grin spread across her face, but it vanished quickly in the face of a defiant Jack as he leapt back and nearly fell into the shower stall when she reached for his pants.

"Wait!" he squeaked, holding out one hand to halt her actions while the other mud-stiffened one gripped the elastic waist of his jeans. "I don't want you to give me a bath! You're not Tea'uk, and you're not my mommy!"

Rolling her eyes, Sam sighed where she knelt in front of him and bluntly said, "No, I'm your wife."

He was stunned for half a second before mimicking someone who was about to vomit. "Ew! Gross!"

Sam went to run a frustrated hand through her hair, then stopped abruptly, realizing her hand was dirty from touching Jack. She thought she heard Janet laugh in the next stall over and ignored it. Then she realized that since Jack and Daniel had been turned into five-year-olds, Teal'c (or Tea'uk, as the boys mispronounced) had normally been the one that was in charge of bath time. Apparently, the kids were less likely (or able) to try and escape from the intimidating Jaffa.

"Jack, I need to get your muddy clothes off," she said impatiently, holding herself back from shouting in frustration, but just barely.

Jack had the waistband of his pants in a death grip. "No! You're a girl!"

With her patience thinned down to nothing now, Sam stared at the impudent five-year-old with the best maternal glare she could muster and said, "Jack, I've seen you naked before. Get over it. Now you either hold still so I can get you out of those filthy clothes or take them off yourself."

Now Sam could hear Janet's full-bellied laughter while the other woman was soaping up Daniel in the next stall. The ghost of a smile twitched across Sam's face before she resumed her glare when Jack's grip tightened on his waistband once more. "NOW, Jack."

The little boy gulped and held her gaze for nearly half a minute before heaving a resigned sigh. "Okay! Okay!" Then, as he began to strip off the remainder of the mud-caked garments, muttered under his breath, "For cryin' out loud."

Sam pulled back the curtain and ushered the mud-caked, naked little body into the stall and under the spray of warm water, feeling quite satisfied.

.

When both boys were finally clean, Sam and Janet brought their towel-wrapped forms into the VIP quarters and dug through the sets of pajamas that had been bought and paid for by the Air Force.

Jack and Daniel were running madly around the suite dressed only in their batman and spider-man (respectively) briefs for fifteen minutes before the two women got them settled down enough to choose pajamas.

Janet had Daniel all dressed in his bug-covered pajamas and bouncing on the bed impatiently when Jack finally decided on what he was going to wear to bed.

Sam felt herself smiling without a bit of surprise when Jack started to pull on the camouflage pajama pants and then raised his arms for her to help him with the shirt.

Once both the boys were dressed, Janet made for the door, waving Sam with her for a moment. "Sam, try and put a movie in so they get tired, and I'll go to the commissary for their bedtime snacks."

"Alright, you get snack detail, I take movie detail," Sam nodded in agreement and quickly ushered the doctor out the door before Daniel could notice she was leaving. He tended to get very clingy with Janet around bedtime. Sam thought it was cute.

"Sam, when do we get cake?" Jack asked, climbing onto the couch and bouncing up and down on the cushions. Daniel quickly copied him, and soon the both of them were hopping from cushion to cushion on the abused old sofa.

"Janet's going to get your desserts now," Sam told him patiently. Now that it was nearing bedtime, she was feeling a little relieved and much more generous with her pleasant mood. "Just settle down and she'll be back in a few minutes."

Daniel plopped down on his butt and smiled hopefully at Sam. "Can we watch Ind'ana Jones?"

Sam smiled and nearly laughed out loud when Jack began to hum the familiar movie tune. "I suppose so." The films had quickly become the boys' favorites. Daniel enjoyed the archaeological aspect, even at his young age, and Jack loved the action and comedy rolled into one.

Jack did a somersault on the cushions and collided into Daniel before laughing and hopping back to the other side of the couch.

Sam had just put the movie in when she heard the announcement over the loudspeakers.

"Doctor Fraiser, please report to the infirmary for a medical emergency! Doctor Fraiser to the infirmary!"

Hoping it was nothing serious, Sam looked over at the boys sitting on the sofa and sighed at the wondering expressions on their faces when they both looked her way at the same time.

Daniel pouted. "Does this mean we don't get dessert?" he asked querulously.

Jack frowned. "You promised cake!" he accused when Sam said nothing.

Heaving a sigh, Sam grimaced, immediately regretting the bribe. Janet couldn't bring them back their treats if she was headed to the infirmary now, and Sam doubted she'd be able to wrangle anyone to look after the two boys if she left. And she couldn't possibly take them with her. That would be a disaster. She found herself facing a difficult decision. Either leave them for five minutes and run to the commissary, take them with her and risk tons of havoc, or tell them they wouldn't be getting their treats after all and chance a total mutiny.

Sam took one more look at the two five-year-olds and found that they were focused intently on the TV again, now that the movie was playing. She made a quick decision. "Guys, I'll go get your snacks, okay? Just sit tight and be very good boys until I get back. If you haven't behaved when I return, I won't give you your special treats, got it?" Hopefully the threat would work.

"Okay!" they each replied easily, transfixed by what was happening on screen.

Somewhat satisfied that Jack and Daniel would continue to watch the movie for ten minutes, Sam quickly made her exit.

.

As soon as Sam was gone, Jack gave Daniel's shoulder a shove and a mischievous grin spread across his youthful face.

"What?" Daniel whined from the shove, adjusting the too-big glasses that had been jerry-rigged with an elastic strap so they'd stay on his face.

Jack quickly hopped off the couch and made a beeline for the door. When he noticed Daniel wasn't following him, he turned around and impatiently waved him over. "C'mon, let's go!"

Blinking at his friend, Daniel slid off the couch and shrugged, going over to Jack slowly. "Where are we going?"

"To get cake!" Jack exclaimed in an obvious tone. Jeeze, didn't this kid know anything?

Daniel's brows furrowed and he adjusted the ever-slipping glasses on his face. "Isn't Sam getting it for us?"

Rolling his eyes, Jack shrugged. "Who knows? It's not like she hasn't lied to us before." He scoffed. "We're gonna get it ourselves."

Seeming to decide that he was up for a little fun, Daniel nodded his assent while Jack opened the door just enough to poke his head through. He frowned and backed into the room when an SF in the hall glanced his way with a look that dared him to try and make an escape.

Having not been paying attention and leaning closely behind Jack to try and peer out the door himself, Daniel fell unceremoniously on his butt when Jack backed into him.

"Guards," Jack muttered, walking around the boy sprawled on the floor, and searching for another way out. He found one seconds later by way of the grate on the wall for the ventilation ducts. A sly smirk spread across his face as he made his way over. "Bingo."

Sliding his little fingers between the slats in the grate, Jack tugged uselessly with a grunt of effort. "Help me open this," he called to Daniel, who was now standing there staring at him.

"Wait," Daniel stopped when Jack turned to glare at him. He waved his hands around and began searching the room. "We need somethin' to open it with." The little boy headed toward the desk in the corner to look for something they could use to pry the grate open.

Understanding what the other boy was doing now, Jack abandoned his useless tugging and hurried to the desk where Daniel was. He pulled open a drawer and started tossing things out, searching for anything useful and discarding everything else.

Daniel pulled out a letter opener and showed it to Jack. "Can we use this?"

Furrowing his brows and sticking out his lower lip, Jack took the letter opener and looked at it in thought before glancing over to the vent. His eyes suddenly lit up, a hopeful smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. "This might work to undo the screws!" he exclaimed excitedly.

Daniel shrugged and followed his friend to the vent.

.

To be continued...