A/N: Helloooo :D This is going to be split into around 3 chapters I think. Now, I'm not sure whether this is any good or not, but basically it's a whole load of the Doctor's thoughts one evening on the TARDIS – specifically, after getting back from Krop Tor – during a nice little Doctor/Rose 'friendly' cuddle. As I said, not sure if it's very good – you know, like getting his voice right etc - and it might be a bit boring :S but I'd love for you to read it and see what you think. Thanks! Loveya xxx
Her
She fills his thoughts. Every day. Every moment. Like now, for instance. They are sitting on the captain's chair together, side by side, recovering from their adventure on the impossible planet, known to some as Krop Tor. His arm is wrapped around her waist tightly, protectively, and her head is resting on his shoulder. He watches her. He thinks about her.
Almost lost each other today.
Don't want to lose her.
Almost said...
Tell her I...
What?
I know.
She looks beautiful.
I want to kiss her.
When shall I tell her? How shall I tell her? Shall I tell her? She knows. She must know.
I want her.
I need her.
Oh no. No. But yes. I...weeeellll. I... I love her.
She knows that. Probably knew before me; before I let myself admit to myself that I knew that I did.
She's everything. She's perfect.
Forever. Ha. So unrealistic. So impossible. It's so incredibly unfair. I almost lost her today. Separated. Hours before, we'd been contemplating being stuck together, on some planet without the TARDIS, with a house and carpets and doors and Rassilon, a mortgage, and you know what? It wouldn't have been so bad. Stuck with Rose. Slow path and all that. With Rose. That's something...something impossible for us now, but could have been possible. Just for a moment.
And for a moment? I wanted it.
I didn't want to find the TARDIS.
I wanted to kiss Rose.
I want to kiss her now, actually.
Can I?
No. Of course I can't. Back to reality. No fantasy-stuckwithnoTARDIS-life to live now.
I...
What is that feeling? Right there, in my chest? A feeling I can't seem to get rid of – ah.
Oh dear.
I...
I miss...
I miss it. Weird. Missing something I never even had. But I miss it. I miss the could-have-been chance where I could have lived with her and pretended that I was normal, a normal human, normal and right and possible to love her and be loved by her. The chance to live that life, the adventure I can never have, with her, her, just her; it's only ever been her.
To hold her and kiss her and make lo...erm...marmalade on toast... every morning with her like we do now but better because we'd have to be normal, wouldn't we, which would mean normal as in a normal couple...Mr and Mrs John Smith, maybe? Cos they'd be neighbours and friends and jobs and lives and we'd have to live those lives and of course the natural step would be me and her, her and me, together together because what else would there be to do? Realistically? In the evenings, they'd be no running to the other side of the TARDIS when the tension got too much, like it does sometimes – that unresolved tension, that electricity; that simple, complicated desire. And they'd be no whizzing around to different planets at night, or fiddling with wires that don't really need to be fiddled with but it gives me something to do to distract me from those thoughtswhile she's asleep and I'm lonely and I'm simply being realistic here. Night. In a house. With Rose Tyler. What else would we do? Play scrabble? Exactly. See? Yes. Being realistic.
Realistically, that's never going to happen now. No, life on the TARDIS has far too many distractions to do that sort of thing. Which is good. Really. It is.
It is. Makes it easier to resist.
Although...there are moments when...no. No.
Stop those thoughts. Please. Please stop it.
Oh, look at that. I'm begging my own brain to stop being so cruel and frustrating (And brilliantly imaginative. Woah.)
How twisted is this?
Ha.
Might as well get the scrabble board out.
Back to reality. Here. Here and now. Her. In my arms. So close. Not like it would be if we were forced to pretend. Weeeelll. Not pretend, exactly. More to the contrary actually – stop pretending.
Because this? Her in my arms? My chin resting on her head? I thought I could let this be enough.
Not enough.
She's beautiful.
Does she love me? Of course she loves me.
Which is why this is so dangerous. I...
I'm going to break her heart. Not now. But someday.
Or she'll break mine first.
Who knows?
Who even knows how long we have left together?
There are so many times and places I've still got to take her, show her, simply be with her in and at and all around.
I should take her to Venice. She'll love Venice. Gondola ride. Casanova! Ooh. Something tells me I have unfinished business with him. Still owe him a chicken. Whoops. Yes. Back to see good old Giacomo, and I can give him that chicken. And Rose can come, and she'll be able to – oh. No. No. Casanova? Rose? Casanova and Rose, in the same place? No way. Not risking that.
Not that I would be jealous or anything.
(I'm such a liar.)
But she's mine.
So, no to Casanova then. Have to wait a few centuries before meeting him again.
But her...
How can I stay away from her?
Can I really let things carry on as they are, just friends...all the too-long-to-be-simply-platonic-hugs, and chaste kisses and heated looks and frustration...knowing that one day, I'll lose her for good, and I will have to carry on without her knowing that I could've said something, could've told her, because really, what if there isn't a chance to do that in the end? And what if she doesn't already know?
What would she say if I whispered the forbidden words in her ear right now? Nothing? I don't know. For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do. I just don't know.
...
To be continued. If you want. Please review :D Love Laura x