Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, FFVII or any related aspects, which belong to their respective owners. No money made.

Summary: Lockhart, Lockhart, and the real reason why Gilderoy lost his memory. Takes place during Chamber of Secrets/Advent Children.

Rating: T

Warnings: Screwing with canon, violence, mild sexual themes, mild spoilers

[Harry Potter/FFVII] Lockhart Squared [Gilderoy Lockhart/Tifa Lockhart]

Tifa had woken up in a strange, dimly-lit… container. It was too small to be called a room but large enough to lie down in comfortably. She hadn't a clue how she'd gotten there and she also hadn't a clue why there was a strange, creepy man reaching towards her chest.

Automatically and without hesitation, Tifa Lockhart covered herself with her left arm, swung backwards with her right, and kicked off of both feet, flipping her full weight into a backflip in the process. Wood splinters flew everywhere as she effortlessly broke the cupboard she had been in with the force of her flip.

"Merlin's beard! Now, now, young lady! Do be careful!"

As if she was in any danger of hurting herself. "Who are you? Where am I? What are you doing with me?"

A quick evaluation of herself showed that she was fully clothed and uninjured. But Gaia, what a creep… Who was this guy?

The man flashed a toothy smile and bowed with a flourish. "Allow me to introduce myself, fair lady. I am Gilderoy Lockhart, legendary wizard and current instructor in the Defense Against the Dark Arts here at the renowned Hogwarts School of Magic. Surely you have heard of me? I assume you'll be asking for an autograph-! No, no, that's quite alright, I'll gladly present such a lovely young woman such as yourself with one, it's no trouble at all, just hold on-"

The man- Gilderoy Lockhart- fished through the pockets of his gaudy, golden robes and extracted from them a large feather quill. Tifa watched him, transfixed. Her head was throbbing from the enthusiasm with which he spoke.

Autograph? Why would I want an autograph, I don't know you. Apparently this man was some sort of celebrity.

Where was she?

"Gilderoy Lockhart-"

"Now, now, young lady, there's no need to be so pushy, now! I've promised you the autograph and the autograph I shall deliver!" He shook his fist at her, the one with the quill, and she winced automatically, steeling herself for an attack.

"Where is this place?" Best get to the point before he rambles off on some other subject…

"This? This, young lady, is a room out of many in the grandiose School of Magic, Hogwarts! Although I will admit that this particular room is a new discovery to me, it is, as I have always suspected, one of the many rooms in this building that come and go as they are needed or as they desire, oh, but, this CANNOT DO-!" He threw a hand dramatically to his forehead and swooned. Tifa jumped.

"You- young lady- that outfit- it's- it's-" he eyed her. Tifa fought the urge to hunch over- it would have been unsightly. "-it's… well, rather revealing, which is quite appealing, but so dull!" He waved a hand at her black vest and skirt. "Absolutely lacking in taste! You must reconsider this wardrobe of yours!"

Tifa stared at him.

"Sir, where am I?"

"Oh, young women these days, to distracted by flights of fancy and such things to listen properly! I am not offended, I will gladly repeat myself to such a pretty listener- My dear, you are in a school of wizarding and magic and other astounding teachings. You had the honor of being found by me in a small wardrobe, the very same which is now scattered by our feet in pieces."

Tifa absorbed the information as it came. "This is not my world."

"I beg your pardon? Do not despair, for even if I appear to be a hallucination based upon your fantasies, be convinced that I am quite real and this world you are in equally so-"

"No. I mean to say that I am not from this world of yours. I need to return to my own world. This is not where I belong."

"On the contrary; I do believe you belong here, what better is there a place to be, than in my presence-?"

By this time, the martial artist had already shut him out. How did I get here? I was at home… no, I was at the bar, I was going to restock the fridge, I went to the storage closet… right, the storage closet! I fell- I tripped over something, Cloud asked me if I was alright, I couldn't answer him because I was still falling… wait. I was falling? I fell here?

My storage closet is a portal between worlds? Stupid thing can't even keep wine bottles organized…

"There you go again, my dear, off in your own dreams, dreams of me I suppose, just like any other girl-"

"What were you trying to do to me when I woke up here?"

Tifa was now back in her fighting stance, eyeing the man suspiciously.

For the first time, he appeared flustered. "Well- that is to say- I was examining your… stature. Purely scientific purposes- research, you understand!"

Research. "What do you mean?"

"Well- to be quite truthful- I-" He wrung his hands together, not looking at her eyes but at her chest "I wondered if it was an Engorgio charm you were using- you know, a form of enhancement- but do share your secret, I've never seen the spell so… successful on human body parts! Think of the women who would pay to learn your secret! What say you to showing me your technique? I could perhaps touch them-?"

"No."

The Gilderoy Lockhart person looked at her, hurt- wait, Lock-

Tifa looked at him, lowering her fists. "What did you say your name was?"

"Ah, ah! Again with the not listening!" He wagged a finger at her, smirking "You shouldn't play the cute game with me, it doesn't suit you-"

She rushed him, hooked her elbow beneath his chin, gloved hand gripping his hair. "Your name."

"G-Gilderoy Lockhart!"

Tifa did a double-take, releasing the man's head and sparing him from what would have been a lethal dislocation of the skull. "Your last name is Lockhart…! Are- are we related?"

Gilderoy Lockhart smiled, leaning in towards her face. "You would like that, wouldn't you?"

"Meteor Strike," Tifa Lockhart disagreed.

[A/N] Ron's broken wand? What about Ron's broken wand? This was how Gilderoy Lockhart lost his memory.

And if anyone is wondering what happened to Tifa, it's all good. Cloud found her under a bunch of collapsed cases of wine bottles a few hours after the whole ordeal, muttering things about "creepy perverts" and "portals to other worlds." He blamed it on Sephiroth, because everything is Sephiroth's fault, and didn't ask.

One last thing. In case you can't tell, they're in the Room of Requirement. Also... what's with all these weird crossovers I've been writing...?

Thank you very much for reading.