Author's Note: Before I jump into the chapter I just wanted to quickly fill in a few holes that I didn't want to mention in the story, because it may have detracted from the drama. Grissom is able to visit her in the ICU, because he's on her emergency contact list, and Lindsey is at home with Catherine's sister, because she's young in this fic, and probably wouldn't be able to handle seeing her mother in such a condition.
Looking back on that moment Grissom's memory seemed to work only in frame-by- frame with ten second gaps in between. The shot from the gun. A push to the ground. Looking up to see Catherineā¦ He could remember holding her. Brass pulling him away. He couldn't remember if he fought back. He rode with her in the ambulance, almost regretting it as the extent of the damage was revealed to him. How long he had been sitting where he was now, in the waiting room of the hospital ICU, he couldn't say. He found the scenario playing on a continuous shuffle in his brain, among these images was a thought that had been plaguing him since the long ambulance ride. What if he lost her?
The question evoked feelings he wouldn't wish on anyone, not even Ecklie. Grissom felt as though he was in a constant state of alert, which, over time, began to make his insides ache from their incessant fear-induced contortion. He sat now, bent over with his hands engulfing his face, as if attempting to shield him from reality. He couldn't lose her.
Grissom of course was feeling terrified and distraught over the thought that Catherine might not make it. But there was another feeling that had managed to burrow in the back of his mind. Guilt. Guilt about many things. The customary guilt a survivor of an accident feels for the person who was injured. Guilt for not checking to make sure Ned was down for good. Guilt that he wasn't the one who pushed her away. The most dominant form of guilt, however, was a regretful kind.
Grissom began to look back on the countless times Catherine had made him laugh, or argued with him, or even when they made eye-contact and found themselves staring for a few moments before resuming conversation again. Each time Grissom wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and kiss her. Of course he never did. He never even attempted to pry and see if she may reciprocate those feelings. It wasn't until this day in fact that they had taken any sort of step to something more. Grissom felt bitter tears bite at his eyes, but he tried to hold them in. Why on Earth had he waited for so long? And now it could be too late, the opportunity snatched away for good.
"Mr. Grissom?" The sound of his name brought him out of his reverie like a life guard pulling someone out of a pool. It was as if his head had surfaced and all the noise and commotion of the world around him came to life once more.
"Is she okay?" Grissom's feeble and hoarse voice was barely heard.
The doctor looked into his desperate, blood-shot eyes and dropped his gaze to the ground, taking a breath before shattering the man before him. "I'm afraid Miss Willows' condition is still very unstable. I don't want to sugar coat thisā¦," the doctor took a moment to put a hand on Grissom's shoulder, continuing with a soft, regretful tone, "she probably won't make it through the night."
Grissom felt numb. He didn't find himself yelling at the doctor to do something, or breaking down in sobs. He just felt nothing. "Can I see her?" The doctor nodded and walked with him to Catherine's room, waiting until they had reached the door before placing his hand on Grissom's shoulder again, giving it a comforting squeeze before stepping back to give him a moment alone with her.
As soon as he walked in the room and saw her, lying on the bed, face and arms covered in soft bruises, hooked up to countless machines, looking so fragile, Grissom felt his control begin to slip. He walked unsteadily to her side and bent down on his knees in front of her bed, reaching out a trembling had to take hers in his. He took a moment to look at her. The thought that this would probably be the last time he would see her was too much. He felt himself rejecting the idea, shoving it aside, saying there was another answer. But as Grissom felt his held-back tears begin to slide down his cheeks he knew his mind was accepting what his heart just couldn't allow. He reached out and ran his fingers gently through her hair, his tears falling faster with the contact.
"Cath," he began, his voice cracking, "I am so sorry." It was as though his tears were a water valve that had broken and was now on a continuous soft flow. "You should have never been in that situation, and I should have protected you when I had the chance-" Grissom broke off for a moment, trying to keep his emotions in check long enough to get out what he needed to. "Please Cath, please don't give up. You're so strong, the strongest person I know. I promise, if you make it I'll never take you for granted again, never miss an opportunity to tell you how much I love you. I know you can get through this Catherine. I know you can." It was here Grissom felt himself reach the breaking point and sobs racked his body, echoing throughout the room.
The high pitched cry of Catherine's heart monitor a moment later overpowered the sound of his tears, and Grissom had only a moment of shock and surprise before nurses and the doctor came rushing in. He felt hands pulling him gently away, trying to get him out of the room. But he could still see them, hovered over her, and caught sight of the defibrillator paddles before he was out of the room. He stood outside, stunned while the piercing ring from the heart monitor tore at his insides as he begged to hear it beeping again. He could feel blood pooling in his head, felt himself sway. He sat down outside the room to steady himself, heart pounding as he waited.
Suddenly the commotion stopped. The high pitched ring was the only noise emanating from the room. Grissom let out his held breath, and felt it escape as a sob as realization hit him. He brought a hand up to his eyes as he felt himself crying as he never had before, tears of regret and anguish consuming him completely.