Wizard in Space

Genre: Humor

Category: AU: random scenes

Fandom: Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot

Author: Falling Right Side-Up

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or worlds mentioned herein.

Summary: Ideas of Harry Potter x Star Trek Reboot x-overs.

AN: Yeah. This particular brand of craziness came up during one of my usual online chats with PsychoticKisshu. We were lamenting the lack of Harry Potter and Star Trek Reboot x-overs, and this craziness resulted.

"What if Harry's ghost was haunting the Enterprise? Or what if Harry somehow became the avatar of the Enterprise?"

Yeah. Crazy. And written in the spur of the moment, literally in 10 minutes while chatting. So yeah, very bad quality of writing.

Uhm, so the premise (I think) is basically that Harry's spirit/ghost somehow combines with the Enterprise, but doesn't become fully conscious of his nifty new body (i.e. a space ship, lulz) until sometime during or after the confrontation with Nero.

And-OH GOD-please forgive my mangling of Scotty's accent.

Idea #1

Prompt: Enterprise: It's a Boy

Two weeks after the confrontation with the seriously disturbed Romulan bastard, Jim sat in the captain's chair zoned out as the Enterprise crawled through space at Impulse. It would take another month to get to Earth without the warp drives, and while the ship was slightly worse for wear it was holding together, for which the entire crew was thankful.

Jim leaned back a little, eyes drifting to the enormous crack splitting the ceiling of the bridge then to the science station where Spock was diligently typing away. The captain glanced towards the observation window once more and bounced his leg up and down, debating whether to ask his first officer the ship's status—again. When he glanced back at Spock, Jim's eyes locked with the science officer's stern, admonishing stare.

Jim froze, suddenly at a standstill. His mouth opened slowly to ask the same old question but froze when the Vulcan's gaze went from stern to severe.

Cease your restless movements, Captain. And do not inquire of the ship's status for the 287th time. It is operating at acceptable levels given the circumstances, as it has been for the last 3 hours, 5 minutes, and 13 seconds since you last inquired. There is no need for concern at this particular juncture.

Jim imagined his first officer saying something like that, but remembering those same eyes burning in rage and the unmovable, alien grasp around his throat, what Jim saw communicated was more along the lines of:

Back off, bitch. Stop pestering me with your ceaseless prattle. Just wait till we get to Earth and I have you court-martialed. Then we'll see who's Captain, fucker.

One finely sculpted brow lifted in response to Jim's grimace.

"Do you require something, Captain?"

"Er, well—"

"Captain!" Scotty's voice squawked over the comm.

Both Spock and Jim's gaze flew to the arm of the Captain's chair where the bridge's comm link was located.

"Yeah, Scotty?"

"The replicators! They keep given meh kidney soup instead of mae sandwiches!"

Jim sighed and let his head fall into one of his hands. Spock rose from the science station and approached the Captain's chair.

"Mr. Scott. May I inquire why you feel it necessary to announce your personal grievance over the bridge comm? You are aware that this connection is restricted to priority and emergency—"

"Mr. Spock! You dun think mae sandwiches are a priority? They're mae food! I need 'em! If I'm hungry all the time, how am I gonnae fix this beautiful lady—"

The ship rumbled ominously. Jim gripped the arms of his chair and Spock rested one hand on the chair's back to steady him. The bridge crew went silent immediately, eyeing the cracks and circuit boards for sudden malfunctions.

Sulu gazed warily at the steering controls, his hands hovering hesitantly over them.

It was Jim that finally broke the silence.

"Forget your sandwiches, Scotty, I need to know what's wrong with my ship!"

"But, Captain! Besides the obvious, with the warp drives an' all missen, the old lass—"

Rumble.

"—has nothing wrong with her!"

The ship jerked to the side, drawing shouts of alarm from everyone in the bridge.

"Scotty!"

"Mr. Scott. There is obviously something suspect about the ship's integrity."

"I know, I know! I'm at the engine room, I jus' need to—"

The engineer suddenly grew silent and then a sound of pain came through the comm. Spock and Jim exchanged glances.

"Scotty? You there? What's going on?" Jim asked.

"I dunno know, Captain. The engine room refuses to let me in! And then a side panel just flew off the wall an' attacked mae!"

Sulu and Jim glanced at each other incredulously.

"Uh, Captain, maybe someone else besides Scotty should take a look?"

Jim paused and then nodded decisively as he stood up. Turning to Spock, who was watching him questioningly, Jim smiled cockily and gave the half-Vulcan a slap on the shoulder, which his First Officer silently endured.

"You have the Conn, Spock."

"Yes, Captain."

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

"So, explain to me what the problem is." Jim leaned against the wall of the corridor leading to the engine room with Scotty on the floor across from him.

"Well, Captain, ever since I blew the warp drive, the ship's been actin' up."

Jim's brows drew together in confusion.

"Well, yeah, it's not like the Enterprise was supposed to eject the warp drive and ride a nuclear blast out from a black hole."

The engineer nodded agitatedly and glanced warily around.

"Yes, I know, Captain. But the Enterprise seems mighty angry with mae. The replicators are actually the least of mae problems. Sometimes doors close on mae, the shower refuses to work, the lights turn off, and now the engine room…"

The Captain stared incredulously at his Chief Engineer.

"Scotty. You're talking like the Enterprise is out to get you," Jim spoke skeptically.

"Well, yes, I suppose I am. You cannae 'arm such a beauty like the Enterprise and expect her to just take it."

The ship rumbled again and the two men braced themselves along the wall. They stared silently at one another, still plastered warily to the wall like mimes—one staring pleadingly at his superior and the other not knowing what to think.

"All right," Jim drawled as he eased away from the wall. "So let's say the Enterprise is alive and pissed at you. What do you expect me to do?"

"You could apologize to me for one." An unfamiliar, young male voice full of ire drifted down the hall.

Jim spun around, crouched, one hand reaching for a weapon that wasn't there and Scotty scrambled up from his knees, eyes flickering all over the place.

"Who said that? Show yourself!" Jim commanded. There was silence.

"I said show yourself!" Jim shouted.

"Hold your horses, you pillock!" Came the quick retort, and Jim drew back in surprise. "I'm trying to make myself corporeal but it's not easy."

Jim and Scotty exchanged uneasy glances.

"You said, 'corporeal,' lad?" Scotty questioned.

….

Slight time skip…

"Okay," Jim drawled, massaging the ache between his eyes. "So tell me, Enterprise—"

"—my name is Harry—"

"—Harry, whatever. Why are you pissed at me and Scotty?" Jim lifted his head and gazed at some indeterminate point in the hall, as if he could see the other man.

"He bloody well blew my bits off! And you told him to do it!"

Jim's jaw dropped in shock and Scotty spluttered.

"Y-your bits? You mean your—" Scotty gestured vaguely at his crotch.

"You're damn right you did! You don't just go blowing up a man's bits and expect him to be happy about it!" Harry ranted.

His bits? The Warp Drives? Jim mouthed to Scotty with a disbelieving look.

"And now you've got me crawling at Impulse 4! No one has intentionally traveled at impulse since the 22nd century! Me, the great Enterprise, reduced to this! How much more are you going to emasculate me!"

"Emascu—now wait a minute! We didn't mean to do that! It was the only way to get out of the black hole!" Jim shouted.

"Yeah, easy for you to say! You still got your bits, don't you?"

Jim's hand unobtrusively came down to cover his groin protectively, even as he attempted to defend his decision to eject the warp drives.

"Well, it was your bits or our lives! I think survival was more important, don't you? Besides, Starfleet can you give new warp drives and Scotty will amp them up even more!"

"That's not the point! The fact is that no one should experience losing their bits in the first place! And don't expect me to be happy about having the man who exploded them fiddling with them later!"

o.o.O.O.O.o.o

scene/time jump/skip

"Captain."

"Yeah, Spock."

"May I inquire as to why you and Mr. Scott were shouting about exploding and enhancing male reproductive organs in the engine room?"

Jim spewed out his drink over the table. Spock stared unabashedly but with genuine concern.

"If you are having problems with erectile dysfunction, Doctor McCoy should be able to help you."

AN: I was laughing while chatting with PsychoticKisshu and not really thinking while writing this. XD

I'm think of at least one more scene: where Harry becomes conscious of the fact that he's a space ship. Lulz.

What do you think? Worthwhile or just silliness? Review, please?