Episode 1/4 Part 2: "These are not the episodes you are looking for"
So OldBeOne Kenobi or Brook Kenobi as he was known for so long has 'agreed' to save Princess Nami and now has set out with Luf Spacerunner and his robots Fran-KY D-2 and Uso-P-O.
But... as our heroes headed to Luf's home...
Luf: "NOOOO!"
The entire house was destroyed and on fire and the charred bodies of Garp and Makino where outside in the sand.
Luf ran to them crying, "NOOO!"
Brook came over to him.
Luf: "How did this happen!"
~Much Earlier, a few hours after Princess Nami's capture actually, on Dart Acer's ship~
Dart Acer: "Yo! Trooper 39482"
39482: "Sir?"
Acer: "You remember my order to not follow that escape pod?"
39482: "Yes sir, flashily well."
Acer: "Yeah... fuck that last order, follow it."
39482: "Will do sir."
Brook: "Man.. this sucks ass for you, but hey, now that you don't have anything tieing you down here, how s bouts we goes and save dat smoking sexy princess... Oh, and kill Acer for revenge while we re at it... you know, for killing your folks and what not."
Luf looked up with anger, "Yes... I will KILL Acer!"
Brook: "Yeah, cool whatever, what we need now is-"
As Brook spoke the film stopped and suddenly a fat annoying and most likely lonely Star Wars nerd appeared from god knows where... probably his mom's basement. Oh yeah, he's like 40.
Nerd: "HOLD EVERYTHING! This "parody" (he uses angry air quotes, what a douche) of the great classic 'Space Epica' Star Wars is total bullshit. First off, LUKE SKYWALKER would never seek 'REVENGE' like that, that would lead to the DARK SIDE. And Obiwan would never encourage such behavior. You are disgracing the franchise, DISGRACING IT! At least Family Guy is keeping VERY true to the story. Even the mockery that is Robot Chicken is making CLEVER STAR WARS RELATED jokes! Also, if any anime should be used to replace the characters of Star Wars, it should obviously be Dragon Ball Z, mainly because it is more awesome than One Piece of Shit could every wish to be and the characters fit better as well. And if you wished for a more modern anime, Naruto would also be a MUCH BETTER CHOICE. And further more-"
Me: "Ok, that s enough, kill him."
The fat nerd gets killed by an off screen laser and blows up his head and his house also blows up.
Me: "THATS RIGHT! DON'T FUCK WITH ME! IF YOU DO, YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS! I GOT PEOPLE WHO WILL BLOW UP YOUR HOUSE WITH JUST ONE LASER SHOT!... Now please, back to the story and enjoy."
Brook: "Yeah, cool whatever, what we need now is a way off this planet and to Alderaan, that's the home planet of Princess Nami. Hopefully we can get there and find out from there what the hell is going on and why the need me." He sounded VERY pouty.
Luf: "Ok, where should we go to get of here?"
They all 4 hopped into the speeder car thingy and headed off to Mos Eisley. (Yeah, I know right, the great George Lucus really named a place MOST EASILY)
Brook: "There it is, Mos Eisley. More scum here than any other cess pool on this planet or even the hole system... It s perfect to find a douche bag to get smuggled to Alderaan."
"Aaahhhhh"
A green haired man took a sigh of relive as he peed in this bar's bathroom.
"That's better." *flush*
He looked over as he zipped up his pants. Another man peeing was dressed JUST like him, except he had brown hair, glasses, was fat... and a ball chin
Green haired guy: "Hey Peter, they got you doing this shit too?"
Peter Griffin: "Yeah... we did it first though."
"Really, just admit Robot Chicken did it first."
"HELL NO!"
"Whatever, I got to go, my scene's up."
"Good luck dick face."
"I'm not the one with balls for a chin."
"Hey, hey, fuck you ZOLO."
-
-
The gang came into the city and parked Luf's speeder as some Imperial Buggy Troopers came up to them.
Trooper 74059: "HEY! You guys, let me see your identification."
Brook waved his hand slightly, "You don't need to see our identification."
74059: "What? Fuck yeah we do, I said so."
Brook: "Crap... it has been a while... Hold up."
Brook stood up and stretched out his arms, "uhh... alright, now let's see."
Suddenly Brook smacked the Trooper hard. The other Troopers were about to shoot OldBeOne; but then...
Brook: "Now... You DO NOT NEED to see our identification."
74059: "Yeah... you're right... we DON'T need to see you identification."
Brook: "These are not the droids you're looking for."
74059: "Yeah, these aren't the droids we're looking for."
Brook: "Carry on."
74059: "Carry on"
The Troopers moved on, Luf looked at Brook in amazement, "How did you do that?"
Brook: "A Jedi can use a mysterious power known as the Star Force to trick stupid people."
Luf: "Cool!"
Brook: "Yes, very. Now, to find a smuggler."
On a large moon sized and shaped space station known to the Empire as the DEATH STAR! oooooooo~~~~ Scary...
Dart Acer walked through the hallways of the station, heading to the prison chambers.
Acer: "Hey! Johnny, how s the wife man."
Johnny: "Good sir."
Acer: "Bob, good work the other day gunning down that rebel dude."
Bob: "Thank you sir."
Acer: "Jenny, make sure my dry cleaning is done, this is my last clean goddy black suit thingy. Man, I wish I took more of these capes back when I was on the Phantom of the Opera Home Planet: OverActus, last year."
Jenny: "I'll make sure Mr. Acer."
Acer: "Good girl." Acer winks and clicked his way through the hall. (Clicked like when you click you mouth and point at some body, or whatever that's called.)
Acer then stopped in the middle of the hall and looked over evilly and angrily at a subordinate that was eating something out of a tin foil wrapped dish.
Acer could see his name on the tin foil. "Where did you get that plate of left over Beef Ramen?..." Acer looked at the man's name tag, "Lt. 4th class... NARUTO..."
Naruto: "Uh... uh...th-the break room fridge sir..."
Acer: "And you cannot CLEARLY see my name on the cover written with black sharpie MARKER!"
Naruto: "OH SHIT! NO! WAIT! SIR! PLEASE! I-I-I-I-I-I-I-"
Acer: "SILENCE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" He flung out his left hand and began using the Dart Side to choke Naruto. The foolish Lt. 4th class dangled above the floor until he died and Acer dropped him. Acer then walked over to a red phone on the wall and picked it up.
It was a loud speaker that was heard throughout the Death Star. "CLEAN UP ON HALL D4 SECTION E11 PLEASE! AND WILL SOME ONE PLEASE GO AND GET ME MORE DAMN RAMEN!"
Acer hung up the phone and continued his previous journey towards the prison cells.
Acer finally got there.
Nami: "Awww... Ramen treble?" she grinned and stuck her tongue out at him.
Acer: "SHUT UP BITCH!" He again slapped someone else and not the annoying Princess.
Robin was in another cell, but she was so loud and obnoxious, you could hear her anyways.
Robin *muffled*: "LIKE OMG! LET ME LIKE TOTALLY OUT!... I HAVE TO TINKLL~~LLLE!"
Acer: "Damn it! Why don't these chicks shut up!... Ah, fuck it. Now, princess, one more time before we decide to do something else to you, tell us where the rebel base is hidden. What planet."
Nami: "I'll never tell you."
Acer: "AH! Fine! Bring in the Deadly-Floating-Round-Torture-Sphere-of-Death-and Extreme-Pain!"
Nami: "Jesus, you got an acronym for that?"
Acer: "NO! NOW BE TORTURED!"
The sphere came into the prisoner's cell and began it's process.
Random ugly alien: "HOLY FUCK MY ARM! DAMN IT! I TOLD YOU PRETENDING TO BE WANTED CRIMINALS WAS STUPID!"
Other random and even uglier alien: "Dude, I m sorry, I didn't think anybody would fuck with us and we'd get free drinks and hot sluttly chicks to screw us!"
"DON'T TALK TO ME!"
The two butt-ugly aliens ran out of the bar and OldBeOne Brook Kenobi put his weapon away.
Luf: "Thanks for saving me, what was that weapon?"
Brook: "A Jedi's best, favorite, most fun, and ONLY weapon... the BRIGHTSABER."
Luf: "Wow, that name fits too."
Brook and Luf headed over to a table and sat down, there they met a man with green hair and a large harry creature.
Zolo: "Hey what's up, the names Han Zolo."
Luf: "Ha, ZOLO, that almost fits perfect, almost wants you to thank 4kids for fucking up our show huh?"
Zolo: "NO, we will NEVER thank 4kids for ANYTHING."
Luf: "Fair enough."
Zolo: "This giant fur ball here is Chopbaka, but you can call him Chopper."
Chopper *allways in heavy point*: "...Sup..."
Brook: "Zolo-san, we need to be smuggled to Alderaan, we will pay you what you want and NO questions asked."
Zolo grinned: "Ah... whatever I want eh? Ok, 10,000 beli. UP FRONT too."
Luf: "WHAT! 10,000, you know how much meat that is?... Oh yeah, and we could buy our own ship with that much."
Brook: "2,000 now, and 15,000 later."
Zolo grinned wider, "Really... you got a deal. Be ready to go in 10 minutes, dock 4."
Brook: "Nice doing business with you scum."
Zolo: "Same here you old, dead looking fucker."
Brook and Luf went to go get the droids who were left out side (because the bartender is RACIST) and Zolo and Chopper went to get the ship running but Zolo then got stopped by... a bounty hunter.
Zolo: "Ah, Cabaji... I was just going to see your boss actually. I just got the money needed to pay off my debt... Well... I mean.. I don't have it WITH me... but I DO got it."
Cabaji: "Too bad Zolo, the boss is tired of your shit. You dropped the shipment first sign of the Empire."
Zolo: "Oh, was THAT me? My bad."
Cabaji: "Wapol the Hut has put a large bounty on your head, you're screwed everyone is after you, I'm just glad I got to you first. Now I can turn you in for the reward the best part... is it can be dead or ali-"
As Cabaji finished his flaunting and banter, Zolo shot a hole in him and killed him.
Zolo: "So don't have time for your shit Cabaji... maybe later." He said with a grin and left the bar.
Luf, Brook, Uso-P-O and Fran-KY got to Dock 4.
Zolo: "Ah, there you are, you guys ready?"
Luf: "What is this pile of crap? This is your ship?"
Zolo: "HEY! Watch it! This is the Thousand Fulcan, don't make fun of my baby."
Luf: "Tch... Millennium would be better."
Zolo: "Shut the hell up!"
Random alien snitch: "There they are! They have the droids and stuff!"
Trooper 29389: "Get them!"
Over 20 Troopers started shooting at the crew.
Zolo: "Damn it! Everybody on the ship!"
Uso-P-O, Frank-KY and Chopper ran into the ship while Luf and Brook just casually walked in.
Luf: "This ship is so ugly!"
Zolo: "Go to hell or get on the ship!"
Zolo shot at the troopers and dashed on board as well.
Zolo got to the cockpit and he and Chopper prepared the ship and took off into space.
Back on the Death Star...
A man: "Ah, princess Nami, I'm so glad you could joking us."
Nami: "Grand Moff Lucci, so happy to see you."
Lucci: "Yes indeed you bitch."
Nami: "JESUS! Will you assholes quit calling me a bitch!"
Acer: "Give us a reason not to. Oh snap!"
Lucci: "Hi-oh!"
The two hi-five each other.
Nami: "Just get this over with."
Lucci: "Right, it seems that you even managed to survive the Deadly-Floating-Round-Torture-Sphere-of-Death-and-Extreme-Pain, therefore we have found a NEW method into making you talk. Show on screen."
The screen suddenly showed a bluish planet.
Lucci: "This station has the power to destroy ANY planet we choose, so we decided to test it on... you home planet of Alderaan! HAHAHAHAHA!"
Nami: "NO! DON'T!"
Lucci: "Then tell us where the rebel base is hidden and we won't destroy it!"
Nami was unsure, scared, "... it... its... its on Dantooine... the base is on Dantooine"
Lucci smiled wickedly, "See Acer, that wasn't so bad... Destroy the planet anyways."
Nami: "WHAT! You said you wouldn't destroy it!"
Lucci: "I LIED! I'm a dick! It's what I do."
The Death Star charged up and fired a giant green laser and the tiny painted ball hanging by a string in a dark back ground... er... I mean... the great planet Alderaan was destroyed.
Brook: "And that is why *laughing* I never used the toilet paper! YOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
Brook was in there middle of a joke and had everyone laughing when suddenly.
Brook: "*Gasp* Did you feel that!"
Luf: "Ahahahaha... feel what?"
Brook: "... THAT! Its like... like... a thousand voices in my head just cried out loudly all at once and then were silenced and disappeared..."
Luf: "... What are you, on acid?"
Lucci: "Take her away..."
Nami was taken back to the prison cells.
Lucci then noticed another planet on screen. "Lt, what is the name of that planet over there?"
The Lt checked the database, "Um... Pandora sir... home of the Na'vi"
Lucci: "Ah yes, the location of that HORRIBLE Avatar movie with the big smurfs... Blow it up too."
*BOOOOMM!*
Brook: "AGAIN! This time... it was like a thousand giant smurf voices were silenced forever..."
Luf: "Yeah... you re tripping balls right now aren t you. When did you take a hit?"
Brook: "Man, I'm a hermit, I've been using for a while."
Zolo: "... The Avatar movie was bullshit, gay, stupid and a waste of 30 bucks I spent on it... Damn 3-D..."
Luf: "I agree with you but what makes you say it now?"
Zolo: "I don't know... dude said giant smurfs, that's what I think of when I hear it."
Luf: "Makes sense to me."
Zolo: "Alright, we should be coming up on Alderaan soon..."
As they came out of warp speed they got caught into... a meteor shower?
Zolo: "Damn, what's with all these rocks? Alderaan should be right there!"
Brook: "I'm afraid... it is no longer here at all... Alderaan is gone..."
*VVVVVVVVVVVVVVV*
Suddenly an Imperial Tie Fighter warped out of space as well and was heading... somewhere.
Luf: "Look, a fighter, what is it doing out here? It's way to far for a small ship like that to reach here unless a bigger one is close by."
Zolo: "You're right kid, look, it's headed to that moon."
Brook: "... That's now moon."
The ship then jerked and was being pulled in.
Zolo: "Damn it! It's a tractor beam! We're fucked! They got a lock on us! I can't shake it!"
Luf: "What are we going to do?"
Brook: "Be ready for anything... I have a bad feeling about this..."
To be Continued...
"YOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"
..
"YOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"