Learning to Love and Be Loved

Hey everyone! I'm back! So, I've been busy re-reviewing all my old fanfics and so far I believe most of the oneshots are done. I still have to finish TBWTPE, The Monkey's Paw, and This Old House before i can re-review this story, Wherever You Will Go and Secret Hidden From You. Speaking of Wherever You Will Go, I'm planning on working on it over winter break as well as this story and SHFY. I have a month off so hopefully I'll get everything done. They're all outlined, I just have to write them (-.-')

I hope that you'll enjoy this chapter as I feel a bit rusty...

May 25, 1973

I can't believe it's been two days…two days since we arrested Miss Angelique for the Lotus River killings, two days since she shot me in the chest and split my head with a bat…two days since I found out that she was poisoning my poor Matthew.

Why? Why does Matthew continue to suffer? I take care of him, I give him love and joy and yet he still faces with pain. I'm a failure as a guardian. There's no other way to put it. I am a failure. I made it my duty when I took him under my wing to help him, to end his continuous torment and yet, all I have done is cause him more. I guess this notion I had, this thought that I could make Matthew's life better, was just nothing more than a fantasy that will never come true. I realize now that I am unfit to care for this young child and that maybe, just maybe, I should give him up and let some other qualified person raise him, give him a good home in which he'll be safe from harm and pain.

I…I should stop. I need to focus on the good right now. I guess something that is good is that I was discharged from the hospital today. Ludwig came by this morning to pick me up too since I didn't have my car. The nurse had already given me my pain pills to take home when my brother walked in my small hospital room. I was surprised that he didn't bring Feliciano with him; maybe they had a fight or something…

Silently, he handed me one of my clean shirts and a pair of jeans (he must have stopped by my apartment to pick them up, after all, he does have one of the extra keys) and sat down on the visitor's chair in my room. I didn't feel like putting on my clothes since at the time I was still stuck in my rut of anguish and failure over Matthew's care. My brother, knowing me well, asked what was wrong and I told him everything, how I'm a loser and that Matthew needs someone to take better care of him. When I finished, I almost had tears in my eyes, (almost, as the great me never cries) and I looked at my brother.

He had on the scariest face I had ever seen. It was one of disappointment and anger, and something I just couldn't put my finger on…maybe frustration. Suddenly, he stood up from the chair and ordered me to get dressed as quickly as possible without reinjuring myself. I was free to leave whenever so it really didn't matter that we were going to leave without telling anyone. I dressed carefully so that I wouldn't rip the stitches in my side and focused on why my brother was so upset instead of on Matthew. I was also a little curious to know the reason behind my brother's urgency, maybe Feliciano dumped him for someone else and he was just taking his anger out on me. Who really knows? Ludwig doesn't really like to share his thoughts with anyone, not even me, his awesome older brother.

Once I was through dressing, I hobbled (I totally haven't walked since I came here) a little outside the door to my now former room and spotted Ludwig. "Come on, we're going this way" he mandated and he sped off in the opposite direction of the exit. I followed him quietly and quickly, more confused than ever at his actions, although I was happy that his strange moodiness kept my mind off of my earlier thoughts.

"Where are we going?" I asked quietly as we came to a halt outside of an unmarked room.

"They haven't told you?" He sounded strangely alarmed. "No," I retorted with a snort, "I haven't heard about anything since I woke up and they told me that Matthew might not make it." I watched as my younger sibling sighed and pointed to the door.

"This," he said, "is Matthew's new room. He was moved out of intensive care this morning. I think we're allowed to see him as none of the doctors said anything against it. If we can't see him, I don't really give a crap and I don't think you do either."

Wow…I never knew that my brother could disobey rules. As you probably know, he lives for rules, his life is dictated by rules and if he didn't have rules I would say that my brother would probably go insane or something along those lines…

Anyway, I reached for the door knob and twisted it, pulling it open and slinking inside, Ludwig right behind me. The first thing I noticed was the light blond head of hair on the bed. It brought a smile to my face knowing that it was Matthew and that I missed him these past two days.

The second thing I noticed was that he was asleep. He wasn't tossing or turning, he was just resting peacefully. I would have to say that it was probably the best sleep he had in the past week. We silently walked up to Matthew, and while trying not to disturb him too much, I reached out and stroked his hair. I know it sounds creepy but I don't care! It was reassuring to see him, alive and not hooked up to machines and what not like the last time I saw him in the hospital (I do assume that he was hooked up to something when we were first brought in here but I was unconscious so this trip doesn't count).

As I was stroking his hair, Ludwig handed me a plastic bag. I looked at him with a quirky eyebrow and took it with my free hand, opening it as well. I peeked at what was within the bag and was a little surprised. Inside was Kumajirou, looking a little bit cleaner than when I last saw him.

"When I went to pick up your clothes, I saw him lying on the floor. I though Matthew would like to have some company, since you can't always be there for him and we don't know when he's coming out of the hospital. I washed him too since he was a little dirty."Ludwig whispered. I watched as he rubbed the back of his head nervously. My silly little brother, always having trouble expressing his emotions. At least I know that he cares for Matthew too.

Just as I was reaching to place Kuma under Matthew's arm, he started to stir. I froze and watched as my little one sleepily opened his large violet eyes. He blinked a few times and when he noticed I was there with Kumajirou, he smiled at me and lunged for my neck, grabbing hold of it and giving me a hug. He was just so happy, and I couldn't stop myself from smiling back, as I discovered that his happiness was contagious.

After a while, he released my neck and settled back into his sheets, Kumajirou now clutched to his chest. The three of us sat there together in silence, our shared contentment filling the room and calming us all. About ten minutes after Matthew had woken up, the doorknob twisted and Matthew's doctor walked in, not at all surprised at seeing us, which I thought was quite strange. He walked up to Mattie and began to check him with his stethoscope, telling him to breathe and all that stuff, occasionally writing stuff down on this clipboard he had.

Once the doctor was done, he turned to me and asked if I would step outside with him. I nodded and we left the room. After we were outside, I turned to him and asked, a little nervously, if Matthew was going to be alright. He nodded and said that yes, he looks like he's going to be fine. He will however have to undergo tests in the next few years that will determine if he will have neurological problems or cancer in his skin or organs due to the arsenic. The doctor went on to explain that since they were able to get out most of the poison that Miss Angelique poured down his throat the day we arrested her, it didn't really affect him. The other poison that had already been absorbed by his body however, may lead to some consequences but it didn't look that bad.

I let out a sigh of relief. He was going to be alright. The doctor also stated that Matthew could go home tomorrow as well. I was so excited when I heard the news that I almost ran back inside to tell my brother and Mattie himself. I remembered though that I had to thank the doctor and I did. Then I ran into the room, successfully startling both Matthew and my brother.

Running up to my little one, I kneeled down so that he and I were face to face. "How would you like to go home tomorrow? Does that sound like a plan?" I asked him. I watched as his eyes went wide for a moment and he began to nod his head furiously in a yes like manner. I had to tell him to stop so that he wouldn't hurt himself. Matthew seemed content afterwards, wanting to watch T.V. and just sit with my brother and myself. Even though we were going to see him tomorrow, Ludwig and I stayed with Mattie until a nurse kicked us out, saying that he needed to rest. As we left, I gave my little boy a hug and told him that we'll be back to pick him up as soon as we can tomorrow.

On the car ride home from my brother, I couldn't help but feel in high spirits about Matthew. I mean he's better now and he's happier than he has been for the past week or so. I think Ludwig noticed my more cheerful aura or something because I caught him staring at me when we were waiting for a light to change.

"What?" I asked him and all he did was smile and drive as the light changed to green. "It's nothing." He managed to reply. "Just that you seem more cheerful and light hearted than when I first saw you this morning." I lightly punched him in the arm. "You know why I was depressed and Matthew's happiness is contagious! I can't help be feel more upbeat." We settled into a small silence then and after a few minutes my brother decided to comment again.

"You know, Matthew doesn't see you as a failure Gilbert. He sees you as someone who he can trust, someone who genuinely cares for him. He knows that you love him Gilbert and I don't think he'll trade anything in the world to not be your son. You are his world, his hero that saved him in his darkest hour and nothing can ever change his view on that. Sure you think that him being poisoned was your fault, but it wasn't. I know it sounds weird by shit happens and I'm pretty sure Matthew knows that too. He loves you and nothing in the world can alter that Gilbert. Nothing. Not even yourself."

With that, my brother stopped the car outside my apartment. We sat there for a little as I pondered over what he had said. When his words began to sink in, I smiled at him, truly thanking him for everything. He nodded and smiled back and took off in the direction of his own home.

Walking to my front door I couldn't help but think that maybe, I wasn't a loser after all…

[END PART I]

Yup, you read right, end of part I. Part II will be interesting hopefully. Anyway, I may not update for a while as I have finals to study for (which are in a two weeks) and I really need to study so yeah...