Ch. 19

~ Sunny

I focused on opening the cupboards one by one, pulling out the Zimmer's tea caddy, finding two matching mugs in the haphazard cupboard. I tried to think of my Yoga techniques, deep breathing to calm myself down. Nothing that happened tonight matters. My gym progress matters, school matters, my family matters.

Some pothead I used to have a crush on when I was fourteen and he was a different person does not matter.

Pour the water, get the milk out, wipe the bench, put the tea away. Breathe. Liz sat quietly, watching.

"Peter Lincoln asked me out," I said, finally, as I handed her a mug, "before the end of term. But I said no"

She looked at me, head tilted, worried eyes.

"I said no, because I thought I wouldn't have time for a relationship with school and everything," I could feel my lip wobble and took a deep breath, "but I'm worried I just shut people out so I don't get hurt"

Liz sipped her tea, waiting. Like she knew how much I had on my mind.

"What if I'm just like my parents? What if I end up alone because I'm selfish and self-involved? I love the things I do alone but I want someone to want to be with me eventually," I sighed, trying to stop the swell of emotions building up with every admission.

"When I was younger," I sniff, "I thought Tom liked me. I think I kind of liked him too, we were all so young so who knows what that even means. But then he just left, completely left. Like my dad"

Liz put down her mug, reaching her hand across the bench to take mine.

"Sometimes I feel like everybody leaves," I can feel my face crumbling, my voice cracking, "and it must be something about me, that I'm never worth staying for"

I hate myself for crying, for being a typical girl with dad-issues or abandonment issues or whatever the hell they are.

I feel Liz's arms around my shoulders, her head next to mine.

"That isn't true, Sunny," she said gently, "your parents have more to them than that, and so do you. People leave for their own reasons – it's just hard when they don't think about how it affects people around them"

I think of the bruise on Tom's arm on that cool morning all those years ago, and I know she's right. I can't understand why it's so hard to just rationally deal with this. I don't understand why it affects me so much.

I sit back and wipe my eyes, sniffling, "you know, all the time he was gone I wondered what would be different about him – I never thought he'd come back and look like this and be a…stoner"

"It's kind of hard to process, huh?" Liz laughed

I nodded, "this whole night's been hard to process. First Tom, now Nick and Richelle? I don't' even know what's happening!"

"Me either really," she sighed, "but it's kind of cool, don't you think, all of us here together? It kind of feels like it's all for a reason"

I laughed, Liz and her positivity. I just hoped she was right about this.