Looking back on what happened this year, it's…well, it's incredible. Just a few years back, I never would have imagined that my life would be anything but college, gaming, and trying to get the girl.

I got her, but somehow, that just doesn't seem that important anymore. I died. I died, and it was to save my friends. My huge, alien robot friends: which is actually pretty awesome, but still, dying does something to a guy. It changed me, I think, a lot more than anyone realized at first. Even Bee, he just thought I'd go back to normal, I guess. I thought I would, too, but…

I don't know. Things like college, girls, games…they just don't seem all that important anymore, and I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, but I figure I'll get there eventually. Just getting all this outta my head should help.

I hope.

Maybe the AllSpark screwed something up in my head permanently with all the symbols and clues and ancient writing, and being in contact with a giant alien robot's soul and an ancient artifact and ancient alien robot gods has seriously got to have some sort of effect. Maybe a bad effect, I don't know, but I can't get the Cybertronian out of my head, and lately I've been thinking of them in terms of 'them, us, and me'.

Which would normally not be a problem, except that 'them' are the humans, 'us' are me and the other Cybertronians, and 'me'…well, fuck if I know what I am anymore. I guess my self-image has changed a lot, since now I think of myself as an autobot more than as a human. How fucked up is that?

I wonder if anyone else is having this sort of thing happen—an identity crisis or a complete meltdown or whatever. Maybe Optimus is, but he's seemed pretty normal. You know, all big and solemn and 'protect the humans' and 'become one with the humans' and stuff. All noble. I thought about talking to him, because maybe he could help me sort some of this stuff in my head out, but I'm not sure that'd be a good idea. After all, Optimus died, too, and that was my fault. He's some sort of ancient alien thousands of years old—he probably has way more baggage than some human teen. I don't want to bother him.

And to be honest, I still feel a little uncomfortable around him. Whenever I sleep, when I'm not dreaming in Cybertronian of a place with huge twisting spires of metal gleaming in the light of a setting sun—two?—with looming figures walking slowly, steadily onwards, I dream of that day. I dream of Optimus being killed. At first it was just what you'd expect after something like that, you know? The death blow, Optimus telling me to run, then him dying…but…lately, I've been remembering more.

I hate how…how detailed my new memory is. I hate it, because I remember a lot of things I don't want to.

One of the things I remember was during the fight, someone…I don't know who, one of the decepticons (Starscream?) asked Optimus…he said something to the effect of, "You would let our race end to save one human?" (And wasn't that like a kick to the gut—another reminder of how fucked up the world is, that to save Earth and humanity I had to doom the Cybertronians. Fuck you, Fate, fuck you.) Worse though, than the question and the guilt I feel now about it, worse than that is Optimus' response.

It wasn't a…He didn't…Optimus said…

"You would never stop at one."

That's it. "You would never stop at one." Not, "No life is more valuable than another,", not something about how honor wouldn't allow that, or…or anything else I would have hoped Optimus would say. Not even a denial that he wouldn't be willing to sacrifice one human (me) for his species. Just that the decepticons wouldn't stop at one, and…and…that's devastating.

I mean, I'd expect that from the humans. Especially the government. But something about hearing it from Optimus, from the one mech I knew was a good guy, one who would never hurt someone for no reason…

I don't know, it sent chills down my spine. It reminds me that even though I think of myself as one of them, I'm…well, not. I'm just some stupid human kid, tagging along with them. They're nice, yeah, but I think I'll never be anything but a human kid to them—except Bumblebee, of course. I'd never doubt Bee.

Optimus, though…I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it sounded. I'm sure he meant nothing bad by it. He wouldn't hurt a human, or a kid, but…

I can't hold it against him, though—who could? Of course the guy's more loyal to his species than to me. It'd be weird if he wasn't. Still, it's scary to think of what would happen if Optimus and the others decided that maybe it wasn't worth it anymore to keep the little human around who destroyed their ancient artifacts and ruined any chances of their species surviving. Even if they did, I don't think I could blame them.

After all, I did commit genocide. Genocide against some of my best friends in the whole universe.

Once more, fuck you, Fate.

Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, but then I think of the alternative. If Megatron had gotten the AllSpark…I'm not entirely sure what would have happened specifically, but I know it would have been bad. I don't regret killing Megatron, exactly, though wow, I'm a murderer as well as a…genocidist? Is that a word?

Yeah, I wouldn't blame the Autobots if they decided they were better off without me.

I hope they don't, and…I really don't think they will. I love them all like family, and we usually get along great, but then sometimes I say or do something and catch them all just staring at me like I did something completely weird and alien, or they say something or do something completely weird (can we say, Ratchet and Ironhide interfacing in public…) that just reminds me of how different we are. I'm afraid that our differences will tear us apart and set us at opposite ends of a chasm we can't possibly pass. It's hard enough to bridge generation gaps or cultural gaps. How the hell am I going to bridge a species gap?

We're very different, even not taking into account size and organic-versus-inorganic. I mean, for fuck's sake, their gods LITERALLY talk to them and do things, and they breed through a giant cube! Or, they did, anyways. I don't even think they HAVE genders. I haven't asked because I don't want to piss off Arcee, though I usually call Arcee a girl in my head. Only in my head, though, because I've seen what she does to Decepticons.

How can two species so different ever come to complete understanding? I don't think it'll ever happen.

Right now, I'm sitting in Bee at the Lookout. I think he's asleep—er, recharging—because occasionally I hear him chirp or whirr, little noises that I know don't mean anything in Cybertronian. They're cute, and they make me smile. He moves around me, the synthetic leather creaking a little around me, and I feel him wake up slightly, because he gives a little quiver and chirrs again at me, this time saying my name like a sleepy kitten meowing. "Sam..?"

My smile widens, and I run a hand over his steering wheel reassuringly. "I'm here, big guy. S'okay, you can go back to sl—recharge." Bumblebee's radio fuzzes with static for a moment and he clicks at me agreeably, his seat abruptly reclining so that I'm in a laying position. "Okay…night, Bee." I can't help smiling at his not-so-subtle suggestion and stroke the seat, feeling it shiver and curl around me, cradling me like a hug.

Then Bee goes still, and I know he's out. I feel warm, though, and looking at the quiet dashboard and dimmed lights, I don't feel so alien.

Maybe, I think fuzzily, closing my eyes and relaxing against my friend, maybe everything will be alright, after all.

Who says you have to understand someone to love them?