HOLD ME NOW

Disclaimer: The characters in CSI: New York do not belong to me. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.

Summary: The cliché was true, sometimes you didn't know what you had until it was gone. The question was: could you ever win it back again once you'd lost it? Lindsay Monroe was about to find out the answer.

Notes: Well, here it is. The first chapter of my new story *eek* Hope you like!

This was inspired by an article that I read ages ago in the CSI magazine over here in the UK. The main interview was with Anna Belknap, but there was a short insert with Carmine Giovinazzo where he was talking about Danny and Lindsay getting married and how it would be interesting to play whichever way it turned out. I can't remember the exact words he used, but he said something along the lines of how he thought Danny needed someone like Lindsay in his life to provide some balance, but then went on to say that if they decided that they couldn't make it work for any reason that it would lead to a complicated situation…

D/L but also D/O in parts because it's necessary to the story. There's some adult talk & situations in this. Nothing too graphic but please bear in mind the rating. AU as of Lucy's birth in Season 5.

OOOOOO

Part 1 – Regrets

New York, September 2013…

"Mommy, Mommy, I can't find Molly!"

Already prepared for her daughter's plaintive cry, Lindsay Monroe reached out and picked up the small stuffed rabbit that sat waiting patiently on the kitchen counter behind her. Fed up with its grubby and matted state, she had filched the toy from her little girl's pillow the night before and had put it through the wash while she slept. Now pristine and gleaming, the stuffed bunny looked much the same as it had the day Danny had brought it home some three years earlier.

"You found her!" Four year old Lucy Messer snatched the toy from her mother's hand in delight, and then proceeded to cram it headfirst into the small backpack that she carried. "What time's Daddy picking me up?" she asked.

Lindsay glanced at her watch. "In about ten minutes. Have you got everything?"

Lucy nodded and then looked up at Lindsay with her father's familiar blue eyes. "Am I staying at Daddy's all weekend?" she asked. "Till Monday?"

"All weekend," Lindsay confirmed with a nod.

"Will Rachel be there?"

Lindsay's stomach lurched at the mention of Danny's girlfriend. She knelt down in front of Lucy to fasten the buckle on her backpack. "I don't know," she said. "I expect so. Is that a problem? I thought you liked her."

"I do," Lucy told her mother seriously, "But I like it when it's just Daddy and me best."

Lindsay sighed and drew her daughter into a hug. Lucy returned the embrace with a young child's natural exuberance, wrapping her arms around her mother's neck and squeezing tightly. As she cuddled her little girl close, Lindsay pondered miserably over the personal quandary that she had unexpectedly found herself in.

It was ironic really – she'd been the one to end their three year marriage and yet it was Danny who was now moving on with his life. In contrast, Lindsay was left struggling with her lingering regret. She wished now that she hadn't been so quick to throw the towel in on their faltering relationship, but, at the time, she'd been so sure that she was making the right decision.

Danny had begged her to reconsider, but she'd stubbornly stood her ground, utterly convinced that making a quick, clean break from an increasingly intolerable situation was the best thing for all of them in the long run. After six months of almost constant sniping, her emotional defences had been at rock-bottom. The incident at Sullivan's had simply been the last straw. It didn't matter how many times her husband had sworn that there'd been nothing in it, she hadn't been able to shake the feeling that he was lying to her. Because of that, what was left of the fragile trust between them had crumbled to dust at their feet.

Once Danny realised that she wasn't going to change her mind, bitter anger had set in and their split had become progressively more acrimonious as a result. It was Lucy who had pulled them back from the brink in the end. Lindsay would never forget that day as long as she lived. She and Danny had been locked in an utterly pointless dispute about who would pick up Lucy from day-care the next day, when the then three year old's broken-hearted sobs had reached their ears. United in their concern for their adored daughter, they'd hurried through into the adjoining bedroom. The sight of her little girl's tear-streaked face would live in Lindsay's memory forever.

"What's wrong, baby?" she had crooned, sitting down on the floor and drawing the sobbing child into her lap. Danny had knelt down beside her and stroked a gentle hand over their daughter's honey-blonde hair. Lucy's tear-filled eyes had lifted at her father's tender touch. "Why don't you like Mommy anymore, Daddy?" she asked, hiccupping a little as she tried desperately to contain her sobs.

The stricken look on Danny's face had echoed Lindsay's own feelings of guilt. No matter what they were going through personally, Lucy was the most important thing in both their lives. She had to come first, which meant that things had to change. Since that day, they'd strived hard to keep things amicable between them, and, apart from one or two minor hiccups, they'd mostly succeeded in doing so. In fact, Lindsay could almost say that they were something approaching friends again - if it hadn't been for the sense of lost opportunity that grew stronger and more acute inside of her every day.

It was Danny's fledgling relationship with Detective Rachel Havers that had brought her emotional u-turn to a head. The female detective had transferred to New York from the Philadelphia PD thirteen months ago and had been assigned to Flack's precinct. Her easy rapport with Don had quickly made her an integral part of their close-knit team, and she had become a regular visitor to the Lab over the past year or so. At first, Lindsay thought that Rachel and Flack might get together, but it had become apparent at Stella's birthday dinner five months before that the chemistry was sparking in a different direction entirely.

Lindsay couldn't quite believe that she hadn't noticed before, but then she and Danny rarely worked together anymore unless they were part of the wider team. Mac had accepted that their personal issues would affect their work for a time, and had sensitively rearranged their shift patterns to suit. They hardly ever worked the same shift, let alone the same case, giving them the space that they needed to come to terms with the breakdown of their short-lived marriage.

They didn't have much contact socially either. It was only at events such as Stella's birthday that they came together outside of work or their shared monetary and childcare responsibilities. Lindsay's stomach had knotted painfully as she'd watched the flirtatious banter that bounced so effortlessly between her soon-to-be ex-husband and the new girl from Philly. They were being discreet in deference to her presence, but, given her profession, Lindsay was anything but unobservant when it came to the subtle nuances of human interaction.

At one point, Danny had glanced across the table at her and she'd seen in his familiar blue-eyed gaze the answer to the question that she hadn't wanted to ask. The verbal confirmation had come from his lips just a week later and Lindsay had been shocked to learn that her heart could still break. After he'd left that night, the floodgates had finally opened and all the pain and hurt that she'd kept bottled up inside for months had poured out of her in a tidal-wave of grief.

She'd been struggling to come to terms with those feelings ever since. To make matters worse, Danny's relationship with Rachel had gone from relatively casual to pretty serious in a few short months, culminating in the introduction of his new girlfriend to his daughter a few weeks before. While Lucy had accepted the situation with equanimity, it remained a mixed bag of emotions for her confused and increasingly vulnerable mother.

Rachel was nice; that was half the trouble. Under different circumstances, Lindsay could easily have envisaged the two of them becoming friends. The young detective had a strong work ethic, could hold an intelligent conversation and was also blessed with a good sense of humour. Physically, she was everything that Lindsay felt she wasn't. Her lithe and well-proportioned figure was accentuated perfectly by the clothing she wore, while her colouring was particularly striking - burnished red hair that fell in a smooth, sleek curtain to her shoulders and green eyes that were large and luminous in the pale rose of her face.

In fact, she fit Lindsay's in-built idea of Danny's perfect woman to a 'T'. That wasn't the worst of it though. She hated the way Danny looked at the beautiful red-head with both desire and laughter shining in his blue eyes. It was the same way he used to look at her when their relationship was still fresh and new. The two of them used to have so much fun together – how had they managed to get so dragged down by domestic concerns?

In hindsight, she could see that they'd let things slide after Lucy was born. They'd forgotten to take the time to enjoy being newly-weds as well as first-time parents. Their focus had been entirely on their tiny daughter and they'd neglected their relationship as a result. It could have all been so different, but what was done was done and there was no going back now, however much Lindsay might wish they could.

The anticipated ring of the doorbell came then, prompting Lucy to pull out of Lindsay's embrace with an enthusiastic squeal. The little girl scurried to the door and bounced up and down in excitement as she waited for her Mom to open the door and admit her beloved father. The moment he stepped over the threshold, she launched herself at him like a flying missile, her pigtails flying in her tailwind.

"Daddy!"

"Hey pumpkin! How ya doin'?" Danny Messer swung his small daughter up into his arms and planted a sound kiss on her rosebud lips.

While the excited little girl twined her arms tightly around his neck, he looked past her to Lindsay. "Hey!"

"Hey!" Lindsay replied in subdued tones.

Danny's blue eyes narrowed at her lack of animation. "You ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Lindsay looked away and swallowed the lump in her throat. She busied herself gathering Lucy's things. "I think I packed everything but if you need anything else you can always come by to pick it up over the weekend. You still got your key?"

Danny nodded as he took the duffle-bag and Lucy's backpack from her. "Sure." He hesitated for a moment, looked like he was going to say something and then obviously decided against it because he turned back to his daughter instead. "Shall we go then, sweetheart?"

Lucy nodded enthusiastically and then reached out her arms to her mother. "Bye Mommy!"

Taking her daughter's little face between her palms, Lindsay kissed her. "Bye sweetie. Be good, 'kay?"

"I will," Lucy promised her solemnly.

"You'll drop her off at day-care on Monday?" Lindsay asked as she drew back.

Danny nodded. "Yeah. I'll bring her stuff back here on the way to work if you like."

Lindsay forced a smile. "Thanks."

"Oh, I almost forget. Can you get down for a minute, peanut?" Danny set his daughter back down on her feet and reached into his jacket pocket. He withdrew a cheque and handed it to Lindsay. "You've gotta pay this month's day-care fees this week, right?"

Lindsay nodded. "Yes, thanks."

She looked down at the cheque in her hands. Is this what they were now reduced to? Childcare agreements and maintenance cheques? Quite suddenly, a wave of acute loneliness crashed over her. She missed her husband, she couldn't help it. She missed his good-natured teasing, the feel of his strong arms around her, everything about him in fact. Her eyes welled, threatened to spill, but she forcibly stemmed the flow. She'd forfeited her right to his love fifteen months ago. He'd asked, no begged her to give their marriage another chance but she'd refused him. She couldn't wish him back now. It wasn't fair. She'd missed the boat, let fear rule her heart and lost the man she loved.

She blinked back the tears and knelt to kiss her daughter a second time. "I love you. I'll see you Monday, okay?"

"Okay. I love you too, Mommy," Lucy said as she slipped her small hand into her father's larger one. "Come on, Daddy," she said, tugging impatiently on his fingers.

Hefting the duffle-bag on his shoulder, Danny nodded his goodbyes at Lindsay and then followed his daughter to the door.

"Are we going to ride the subway or Uncle Flack's police car?" Lindsay heard Lucy ask as she closed the door behind them. Danny's reply was a low, intelligible murmur that she couldn't quite catch. Staying where she was, she listened as the sound of their footsteps faded into the distance, then turned, leaned her head back against the door and let the tears flow.

OOOOOO

Later that night…

"And they all lived happily ever after."

Danny closed the book and smiled over at his slumbering daughter, who had lost her valiant battle to stay awake a few minutes earlier. Setting the book aside, he tucked her in, dimmed her night-light and then went through into the living room and on into the off-shot kitchen. His cell phone buzzed as he pulled a bottled beer from the fridge and took a long swallow of the amber liquid.

"Messer?"

"Hey!" His girlfriend's low throaty voice sounded pleasantly in his ear.

"Hey – you finished your shift?"

"Yep, just leaving. Is it ok if I come over?"

He took another swallow of his drink before replying. "Sure."

"Did you talk to Lindsay?"

Danny shook his head before realising that she couldn't see him. "No, it wasn't the right time."

"Okay," Rachel said easily. "Shall I pick up pizza on the way over?"

"Sounds good. Did they arrest Marshall by the way?"

"Yeah, arrogant bastard - swaggered in here like he owned the joint so sure his lawyer would get him off. He wasn't so confident when Flack had finished with him though. Your forensic evidence stitched him up real good."

Danny laughed at her terminology. "I think you mean it proved his guilt beyond a shadow of a doubt," he said.

Rachel laughed also. "Well yeah, that too," she agreed. "Look – I'll see you in about thirty minutes, all right?"

"Ok. See ya then."

He shut off his cell and went back into the lounge. Settling comfortably on the couch, he glanced around the room until his eyes settled on the pool table. The sigh that escaped his lips was bittersweet as he recalled the phone-call from his lawyer that morning.

"They've set the date for the final divorce hearing, Danny," Matt Clemens had told him. "Fifth of next month."

His lawyer had proceeded to tell him that he thought Lindsay's lawyer was currently on vacation so it was unlikely that she knew yet. Knowing that it was an event that needed acknowledging, Danny had intended to mention it to her today when he picked up Lucy for the weekend. One look at Lindsay's face though and he'd desisted. There'd been such sadness in her eyes and, although she'd tried to hide it, he knew her well enough to know that she'd been on the verge of tears as well.

He wasn't blind or stupid. He'd recognised that Lindsay had been growing increasingly emotionally fragile over the past few months. What he didn't understand was why, probably because he'd chosen not to ask. Instead, he'd tamped down his innate concern for her because he didn't feel that it was his place to interfere. She was the mother of his child and would always be part of his life because of that, but that was as far as their relationship went now. He was no longer her husband; he wasn't even sure that he was her friend anymore. Apart from Lucy, they lived virtually separate lives. It was the way Lindsay wanted it, and it was easier and less emotionally draining simply not to argue with her and just accept it as the way things had to be.

He still couldn't quite believe how quickly their marriage had disintegrated. For over two years, they'd been happy and then the arguments had started. At first, they'd been over small, petty things and he hadn't been too worried. They'd hit a bit of a rough patch, that was all. They'd get through it like they had before. But things had rapidly escalated. Next thing he knew, she'd started questioning him about where he was when he wasn't with her. Where had he been? Who had he been with? What time would he be home? It had pissed him off even though he could understand her mistrust.

The plain fact of the matter was that he had cheated on her once. It had been before they were married and the biggest regret of his life, but he had betrayed her, had messed up big time, and now he didn't feel like he had any solid ground to stand on when she accused him. They should have talked honestly about it. They should have confronted the issue they'd buried since before Lindsay had fallen pregnant and dealt with it once and for all. Instead, he'd stupidly said nothing and hoped that his reassurances would be enough. They hadn't been. That night at Sullivan's had been ample proof of that.

He'd tried, he really had, but she'd shut him out completely after that night. The walls that she'd put up around him twice before – once before Daniel Kadem's trial and secondly, after his indiscretion with Rikki Sandoval - were back and this time proved impenetrable. When he pushed, Lindsay closed herself off even more and Lucy inevitably got caught in the cross-fire. He couldn't stand to watch his beloved daughter in distress, so it was with a reluctant heart that he'd finally given in and capitulated to his wife's demands for a legal separation.

Moving on had been hard, but Rachel had been like a breath of fresh air in recent months. Easy-going, fun and sexy, she buoyed his confidence and made him believe in himself again. Their relationship was going well. There was still Lucy to consider however, so they were taking things slowly for now. Once the divorce was finalised, maybe the time would be right for more, but, right now, they were simply having fun and getting to know each other better.

He heard the scrape of the lock and looked up with a smile as Rachel came into the apartment using the key that he'd given her only a few weeks before. "Hey!" he greeted her. "That didn't take long."

His girlfriend smiled as she dumped the takeout boxes on the small table by the door and shrugged out of her coat. "I called the order in from the precinct," she told him. "Lucy asleep?" she asked as she crossed the room to sit down beside him on the couch.

"Hmm," Danny replied, lazily arching his neck as she leaned forward to nuzzle her lips against his throat. Snaking a warm hand under his t-shirt, she placed a series of biting kisses up over his chin to his mouth, her intent clear.

"The pizza'll get cold," he murmured against her lips when they finally reached his.

Rachel smiled into their kiss. "I like cold pizza."

He chuckled. "Is that right?"

"Mm-Mm."

He gave in. "All right, but not here, 'kay? Lucy might wake up."

"You've got a lock on your bedroom door, right?" Rachel asked as she stood up, held out her hands and pulled him to his feet.

"Wouldn't be without one, babe," he replied as he followed her down the hall and through into the adjoining bedroom…

OOOOOO

Lindsay wrenched open the bottom drawer of the dresser and began to rifle through its contents. She knew she'd put it in here somewhere…

Reaching right to the back, her hand closed over an unfamiliar oblong object, a leather case if she was not much mistaken. Frowning, she withdrew the box and felt her heart constrict when she belatedly realised what it was. Rising to her feet, she stumbled backwards and sank down on the edge of the bed, the box cupped reverently in her hands. Flipping the lid, she looked inside and traced the outline of the object with her forefinger.

It was a watch – a man's watch. She'd bought it for Danny fifteen months before, intending to give it to him on his forthcoming birthday. Silent tears coursed down her cheeks as she recalled why she'd bought it on that particular day –weeks before the actual event and ironically on the day that their marriage had essentially ended for good. It was meant as an avowal to herself - and to him - that things would get better, that she would make the effort and try to beat her demons as he'd asked.

For what must have been the thousandth time now, she wondered where they'd be today if that night at Sullivan's had turned out differently. If it had turned out how she'd planned, how she'd hoped. If she'd not spectacularly over-reacted to the situation and instead listened to what her husband had to say.

Because she had over-reacted, she knew that now. Danny had been telling her truth. A truth that she hadn't been able to hear because all she could think of, all she could see, was another time, another place, another woman…

All the residual fight going out of her, Lindsay curled up into a foetal position atop the bedclothes, clutched the leather box to her chest and wept for the love that she'd thrown away in a fit of jealousy and distrust.

OOOOOO

Much later that night, Danny slipped from the bed, crossed to the window and looked out. The moon was high in the sky, giving the night an ethereal glow in spite of the warmer light from the street-lamps outside. He drew in a deep breath and then looked back at the woman sleeping in the bed behind him. Her red hair was bleached black by the darkness and scattered haphazardly across the pillows. Her left arm hugged the sheets to her breasts, while her skin was still glowing from their lovemaking.

Tip-toeing out the bedroom, he crossed the hall and peeked in on his daughter. She looked so much like her Mom when she slept. Her eyes were his but the rest of her features were pure Lindsay. Starting with that first night on his pool table, he'd woken up to the adult version of that face for more times than he could remember. It made him sad to think that he never would again.

So many regrets. Might it have all turned out differently if not for a few twists of fate? Or were they doomed from the start? He hoped not, he didn't want to believe that. He remembered what Mac had said to him the day before his and Lindsay's wedding:

You can live your life in a place of fear or you can believe in the best version of yourself.

He'd wanted to believe in the best version of himself, he had believed in it. It was Lindsay who hadn't in the end. He sighed and wandered through into the living room, too restless to go back to bed and try to sleep. Spotting his cell on the arm of the sofa, he picked it up and on impulse selected speed-dial 1 – he never had changed it…

OOOOOO

Lindsay startled into wakefulness as her cell buzzed on her nightstand. Seeing who was calling immediately set her heart to racing. "Lucy?" she asked breathlessly as she answered the phone.

She heard Danny curse under his breath. "She's fine. She's asleep. I'm sorry; I didn't think."

Lindsay collapsed back against the pillows in relief. "It's the middle of the night, Danny."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just…" She heard him pause, take a breath. "I had a call from my lawyer this morning."

"Oh?"

"They've set a date."

"For what?" she asked without thinking.

Another pause and then "Linds…"

"Oh," she said when she realised. "Oh."

There was an awkward silence, which was broken by Danny's sudden rush of words.

"I loved you, you know that, right?" he said. "I… before all this is over… I just… I wanted you to know that."

"Danny…" Lindsay's breath hitched in her throat. Loved, past tense. No more than she deserved, she supposed.

"And I'm sorry, you know?" he continued on. "About Rikki, I mean. It was… well, I don't know what it was, but I am sorry. I never really told you that and I should have done. Maybe if I had…"

"Things might have turned out differently?" Lindsay asked bitterly.

"Maybe." Danny's tone was resigned.

Lindsay wearily closed her eyes. "But it didn't, did it?"

Danny sighed. "No, no, it didn't."

Lindsay drew in a shaky breath. "I've gotta go now…"

"Lindsay…"

She cut him off, unable to bear the painful conversation any longer.

OOOOOO

"Damn!"

Danny dropped his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. Why was he pushing it? He'd reconciled himself to the failure of his marriage months ago, had moved on with someone new. But now that chapter of his life was finally about to come to a permanent close, he had a sudden need to tie up loose ends. Or maybe it was more basic than that. Lindsay was unhappy, he hadn't fully realised that until today. And, despite everything, she still mattered. He wanted to help her, be the friend she so obviously needed right now, the friend he used to be before everything had fallen apart.

"Danny?"

He turned at the sound of Rachel's voice.

"Are you ok?" she asked.

"I'm fine," he replied, shrugged. "Couldn't sleep."

She held out her hand to him. "Come back to bed."

He rejoined her in the bedroom, curling his arm about her shoulder when she lay her head down on his chest. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked, her fingers absently tracing the intricate pattern of the tattoo on his upper arm.

He almost laughed at the irony. "Should have done that a long time ago," he muttered.

"Huh?"

He shook his head. "Never mind. Go back to sleep."

She sighed and snuggled closer. "I'm here if you want to talk. Remember that, okay?"

He kissed her hair. "I will," he promised then closed his eyes, listening as her breathing lengthened and sleep once more claimed her for its own.

'The trouble is,' he thought tiredly to himself. 'I don't know what more there is to say…'

To be continued…

OOOOOO

A/N2: I initially wasn't sure about posting this story as it's very similar in premise to my other D/L story 'What Might Have Been.' However, with the addition of Lucy into the mix and the direction I'm planning to take it in later chapters, I think it's turning out different enough to be a fresh take on the Danny/Lindsay relationship and how they did/didn't deal with the Rikki situation.

Anyhow, let me know what you think.

CharmedBec x