GRIEF AND LOSS

"The elders would like to see you in half an hour, Hyuuga-san."

Neji stared at the servant laying out his formal kimono with some bemusement. He realized with a little shock that today was his birthday; he had completely forgotten about it. He had trained as usual, and of course in Konoha no one made a fuss about birthdays except children, so his team had most likely not remembered either. What a difference from last year, when it had been all he thought about for months. It seemed like much more than a year had passed since then.

He bathed and dressed, wondering why they wanted to see him. Ordinarily you only had to go before the elders when you came of age. Something to do with Hiashi's proposal, perhaps? That was dubious; if they hadn't considered him fit for leadership when he was first in his class and winning both parts of the tournament, his subsequent actions – leaving the village and letting himself be kidnapped by Orochimaru and dragged off to the South Country – were hardly likely to improve his image in their eyes.

Nevertheless, he presented himself dutifully before the elders at the appointed time. The hall was fuller than last time; every Hyuuga seemed to be present, even Hinata, shrinking from view in the back. Hiashi would not meet his eyes as Neji walked in. So they had not accepted the proposal. Neji was surprised by how little emotion he felt at that.

"Hyuuga Neji," Hidoi intoned. "Please take a seat."

Neji bowed and knelt on the mat before them.

"As you know, the Hyuuga clan is one of the oldest and noblest in Konoha, and our traditions are well-known. We have always abided by…"

Was this the same speech as last year, Neji pondered. Was the old man losing it?

"Historically, a Branch House member cannot ever attain the status of leader of the clan, save in some rare instances where they joined with a Main House member in marriage, or if there were no living Main House heirs…"

Neji felt his mind wandering. He would rather have been still out training right now, racing Lee and Tenten to the top of a tree. He thought of the red rocks of Suna, scaling the cliff faces with Shikamaru at his side.

"A few days ago, Hiashi-san, your uncle, put forth to us a request," Hidoi said, bringing Neji back to the present. "He asked that you be considered as a future co-leader of the clan, even though you are of the Branch House. His argument was that, as he and your father were identical twins, you are indeed a very close relation. In addition, he has been training you and can attest that you have mastered all the Main House moves. You are young and extremely skilled and can only get better. I must say," Hidoi said, "he made a good case."

He stopped and sighed heavily.

"Although it goes against centuries of tradition, we were…willing to give it consideration."

Hidoi's tone was regretful. Neji stole a glance at his uncle. Hiashi was staring stonily at the floor. Neji wasn't sure what was going on. Was violating the sanctity of the Main House so awful to contemplate? But then, why not deny the proposal outright?

"However…yesterday, we were summoned to the Hokage's office."

Ahhh, Neji thought.

"He had received a letter you had been carrying, from Suna. Sarutobi-sama was not pleased that the clan had not turned it over to him immediately. He felt it showed disloyalty to the village."

From the affront in Hidoi's voice, Neji understood what a slap in the face this was for the Hyuuga clan. Unlike the Uchihas, they had always been above reproach.

He bowed his head low. "Hidoi-sama, please forgive me. It was not my intent –"

"Whatever your intent, by going off on your own volition without waiting for the counsel of the clan, you have acted in a reckless manner and brought dishonor on your family! It is clear you lack the attributes of a leader of the clan. Your selfishness in this matter demonstrates that."

Ironically, Neji thought, this was probably one of the least selfish things he had done in his life.

###

It was ironic, Shikamaru thought, how people's perceptions could change. For most of his life he had been a nobody, just an average-to-mediocre genin. Then he had become an object of curiosity and some disdain, as the first Nara to own a Pet. Then he had been despised, a fool who had let a treasonous criminal escape. Now he was suddenly a hero, having avenged his sensei's death by killing an Akatsuki single-handedly.

The difference in public opinion was not something he gave a lot of thought to. The difference in his own life, however, without Asuma there, was immense. He had been made a chuunin for his actions, but the person who should have been there to present him with the chuunin vest was gone. He had been told that for the time being, he and Ino and Chouji would train with Kakashi's team. This was nothing new, as the two teams often trained together. But to not hear Asuma's voice calling orders, to not see Asuma standing there with Kakashi when they finished drills, or earn his approving nod when they mastered some difficult maneuver, to not smell the faint aroma of cigarette smoke…it was as if part of the landscape had been ripped away.

He was the same person, but nothing else was the same.

###

His uncle was disappointed. The elders were displeased. Hinata was upset. But for Neji himself, life would go on.

It was the end of his dream. But, unlike his previous birthday, it did not come as a shock. And he was not even sure he wanted it that much anymore. His uncle was the supposed head of the clan, and even he had not been able to change the long-entrenched Hyuuga traditions.

And why had he wanted it so much, really? To gain the respect he never felt he got; to avenge his father's death; to prove he was as good as any Main House Hyuuga?

He had nothing to prove. He was as good as anyone; it was a fact. And he now understood that respect was earned through actions, not titles. Orochimaru had been one of the great sannin, the head of an entire village and famous in both North and South, while Shikamaru was a simple chuunin, relatively unknown outside his own circle. Yet there was no question in Neji's mind as to which one was more deserving of respect.

He had no idea what had happened with the letter of treaty once it had left his hands, and he did not have the authority to find out. Perhaps Sarutobi-sama would have told his uncle, but it was not a subject Neji could bring up at this time. He felt the intense frustration and helplessness of not being important enough to make things happen on his own. Maybe if had been in line to be head of the clan. But that would not happen now.

Deep in his heart, he also knew that becoming head of the clan would not erase the terrible grief and pain he had felt at Hizashi's death, or assuage the wrenching loss of growing up without his father. Nothing he could do on this earth, not even this, would ever bring his father back to him.

###

Nothing, Shikamaru knew, would bring Asuma back. But as the weeks passed, he tried in small ways to live up to the view Asuma had had of him. He visited Asuma's grave to pay his respects and apologize for missing the funeral. He visited Asuma's widow, bringing special dishes his mother had cooked, and doing small things around the house for her. He still had Asuma's lighter, but he no longer smoked.

They still trained with Kakashi's team, and Sai trained with them as well, even though he was no longer Kakashi's Pet. Kakashi had, seemingly out of the blue, decided to make Sai a free man. When Shikamaru questioned him about it, Kakashi had just shrugged and said in his deadpan way, "He asked me to."

One day, as they were finishing drills, one of the Kazekage's guards appeared at the training grounds. Shikamaru was taking advantage of the lull in Kakashi's attention to sit against a stone and watch a hawk making circles high above, when he heard his name called.

"Apparently," Kakashi said, "you've been summoned by the Kazekage."

His friends looked impressed. Now that he was a chuunin, it was possible that he would be added to more high-ranking missions. It would not be an A-rank mission, of course – he was still only a chuunin, not yet a jonin – but perhaps a B-rank, or perhaps he was wanted for strategizing. Shikamaru felt a shot of anticipation at the thought.

"Troublesome," he muttered, to cover it up.

He was expecting to be briefed by Iruka or one of the jonins who would be leading the mission, but instead when they arrived he was led straight into the Kazekage's office. She was seated at her desk, looking deep in thought with her hands clasped under her chin. At a nod from her, Iruka dismissed the guards and shut the door.

Shikamaru felt a stab of uneasiness. What was going on? Had something happened to his father?

Tsunade regarded him in silence for a few moments. Then she lifted a heavy, official-looking scroll from her desk.

"Do you know what this is?"

Mystified, Shikamaru shook his head.

"This is a message from the Hokage of Konoha. In response to a letter of treaty he apparently received from our village."

Shikamaru felt as if all the breath had been sucked from his body. He stared at her, unable to speak.

"I see this comes as a complete shock to you," Tsunade said drily. "That our Northern prisoner, after stealing your horse to escape, found one of the letters of treaty and, instead of just throwing it away, decided to present it to Sarutobi-san and tell him – what? That I did not know the correct name of Konohagakure?"

Shikamaru felt himself dissolving into giddy, uncontrollable laughter. He put his face in his hands and found that his cheeks were wet. Tears flowed and he could not seem to stop them. It was embarrassing, but that did not matter. Neji was alive; he had made back safely to his home! And he had kept his promise to deliver the letter and convince his Hokage to read it.

"This almost seems like a Shikamaru-style plan," Iruka observed.

"I…" Shikamaru could hardly deny it. And how it had all happened was not the important thing. "Did he say – was he amenable to a treaty?"

"He is open to a meeting to discuss the possibility," Tsunade said slowly. "But…"

"You will need a team!" Shikamaru felt galvanized, almost euphoric. "I will –"

Tsunade held up a hand. "Calm down. There will be no team right away. First of all, we need more intel. And this is not our first priority. Other things are happening right now."

Shikamaru could not believe what he was hearing. "But this is historic – that North and South could meet and join together! You can't just sit on it and —"

"Shikamaru!" Iruka snapped. "Show some respect to your Kazekage!"

Shikamaru bowed his head. "I apologize for my tone. But it's –" To his mortification, he felt himself getting choked up again. "We need to do something, before the Akatsuki..."

"I know this is personal for you," Iruka said, more gently. "But…" He glanced toward the Kazekage.

"This Northern boy, our escaped prisoner," Tsunade said thoughtfully. "You cared for him a great deal, didn't you?"

Shikamaru felt his face flush. He tried to keep his voice dispassionate. "I was the first Nara to ever own a slave. I certainly wasn't going to mistreat him."

Tsunade's level gaze told him she wasn't buying it for a second. "While he was here, he was sentenced for treason. I know, he is young, and it was a complicated situation. But what do we know of his loyalties now?"

"He brought the letter of treaty –"

"And maybe he is trustworthy. I have heard Sarutobi-san is an honorable man. And the war is over. But there are certainly lingering hard feelings on both sides. How do we know this is not a trap of some kind?"

Shikamaru was silent. The truth was, they didn't know, couldn't know. He longed with all his heart to believe it was not. But he knew what she was thinking, that Neji had turned on him once. And even if he believed Neji could be trusted, what about the rest of his village? Shikamaru knew nothing of Konoha, the people, the Hokage.

Only the memory of the pain in his leg, the silent connection, the sorrow and remorse in Neji's voice the last time he had seen him. But these things were tenuous as a wisp of smoke. He could not present them to the Kazekage as any sort of proof that Neji could be trusted.

"Don't you think we should try, though?" He heard the pleading tone in his own voice. "Isn't it better than doing nothing?"

Tsunade looked at Iruka for a long minute. Were they considering it?

"I'm going to tell you something," she said quietly. "This is top secret, and very sensitive. It cannot go beyond this room. Understood?"

Iruka's expression was somewhere between dubious and alarmed. Clearly, he would not have shared this highly covert information with Shikamaru.

"I understand."

"We have been able to discover the identities of certain top members of the Akatsuki. Lord Jiraiya believes he knows them personally. In his travels, when he was younger, he came across a group of children, orphans of the war. He looked after them for a while, taught them how to survive and fight. Two of them are still alive and have become high-ranking members of Akatsuki. He is on a mission right now, to find them and see if he can persuade them to stop this."

Shikamaru knew his face must reflect his shock at this news. "Persuade them –? Can they even be trusted to –?"

"He doesn't believe they are evil, just scarred by the war and confused. He remembers them as wanting to work for peace."

Nothing Shikamaru had ever seen from the Akatsuki had suggested they wanted peace in any shape or form. But if anyone could reach them, Lord Jiraiya was the one.

"Shikamaru," Iruka said sharply. "Remember, talk of this with no one, not even your parents or Kakashi-sensei! This is an extremely delicate and dangerous mission. It's exceedingly important that it not be compromised in any way."

Shikamaru nodded. Chances were good that his father already knew, but conversations could be overheard, and if this information fell into the wrong hands… "I understand."

He walked slowly back to his house, feeling ambivalent. On the one hand, this discovery was an unbelievable opportunity. If these members of Akatsuki had been close to Jiraiya, maybe they could indeed be persuaded. If his mission succeeded, what a miraculous gift to the village that would be.

But, a small disloyal thought tugged at his mind, if his mission fails…maybe they would need to send a team to the North…

He shook his head swiftly. Sending a team to the North to meet with Konoha's Hokage would take time to plan and assemble. If Lord Jiraiya's mission failed, presumably Akatsuki would still be trying to attack Suna and the neighboring villages during that time. More people could die. No, he did not want that to happen.

###

"Neji! Nii-san!"

Neji looked up in surprise. Training was done for the day, and he had been walking to the stables, intending to take a ride on Shadow. Hinata was hurrying toward him, her face resolute. He stopped and waited for her to catch up.

"Neji…I have been wanting to speak to you. I…I have been thinking – about your birthday, what the clan said – "

Neji shrugged. "It's to be expected."

Hinata seemed much more indignant than he felt. "It isn't fair!"

The whole system wasn't fair, would never be, but what did that matter now? "What's done is done," he said. "It's been that way for a hundred years, and they're not going to change it now. But it's really not that important." He started walking again. They were almost at the stables. "I'm going to take a ride – do you want to come along?"

"No…," Hinata said slowly, "wait. There is a-another way…." She looked down, away from him. "Ahh…w-what they said in the meeting…"

Neji glanced at her. She was pressing her fingertips together, as she did when she was extremely nervous, but her shoulders were square and resolute, as they had been when she battled with him.

If there were no living Main House heirs…

He stopped walking abruptly, feeling a sharp stab of remorse. "Hinata…I have changed. Please believe that I would never do anything to harm you or Hanabi."

Hinata's eyes widened. "Oh! No…that wasn't what I meant."

"Please don't worry about –"

Hinata drew a sudden deep breath. "I-I think…I-I…you and I should get married."

Neji gaped at her, completely speechless for a moment. Was she joking? But Hinata did not joke. "What are you talking about?" he finally managed. "We're practically brother and sister!"

Now that she had come out with it, Hinata seemed to gain courage. "Nii-san…you deserve to be the head of the clan. You want it more, you have worked harder, you are a genius…"

Neji backed up, almost tripping over a root in his distraction. "Hinata, it's not right. We don't have those feelings for each other."

"Many couples don't."

"And of course we could never have children. What happens to the clan then?"

Hinata flushed, clearly unwilling to take her thoughts along this path. "I suppose…it would pass to Hanabi's children."

"Also," he said, watching her face redden even before he said the words, "you love someone else."

Hinata turned a deep scarlet and stumbled on the words for several long moments before she could answer. "It—it doesn't matter…m-my father would n-never allow that."

"So…are you going to break his heart? Or would you take him as a lover, and try to pass his children off as Hyuugas?"

Hinata flinched as if he had struck her. Her eyes filled with tears and she hastily turned her face away.

"I'm sorry," Neji said more quietly. "I do appreciate that you would be willing to give up so much so that I could be head of the clan. But it would be wrong."

A flicker of color at the edge of his vision made him look sharply around. A young stable girl was there, bringing some grain for the horses. Had she overheard what Hinata was saying?

"Thank you, you can leave that," he said curtly. The stable girl bowed her head and hurried away. Neji took Hinata's arm and drew her to the side.

"Look," he said, keeping his voice down, "I could accept something like this. Romantic love is not a part of my life. I would make a marriage for this reason, to bind the two houses together. But you – you do have a romantic heart, and you would never be happy this way."

The tears flowed down Hinata's cheeks now, and she wiped them away with her hand. "It isn't only for you," she said quietly.

Neji raised a questioning eyebrow.

"My father – my father doesn't think I am fit to lead the clan. He plans to focus on training Hanabi instead. He thinks I don't know this, but I do."

Neji knew it also. Once, he would have agreed with Hiashi. But not now.

"Nii-san, I know what you are thinking. As much as I try to be a strong shinobi, I am still weak and foolish."

"My friend Shikamaru once told me that everyone has a flaw, and mine was underestimating my opponent. Yours, Hinata-sama, is underestimating yourself."

Hinata looked at him, startled.

"You also have the Hyuuga bloodlines and abilities. And you have also worked hard. And you possess strengths that I do not." Neji lifted the sack of grain and headed into the stables, Hinata following. "When I was…traveling, I made stupid mistakes that got me into trouble, again and again. It was not my Hyuuga genius that saved my life, but the fact that I had a good friend with a good heart. That's what you possess.

Hinata lifted the lid of a small clay bin by the stable door and brought out a couple of apples. Neji had not seen that bin there before. Someone had placed it there recently; most likely Hinata. It was the kind of thing she would do, knowing how much Shadow loved apples.

"I have learned a lot this past year," Neji said, as Hinata held the apple out to Shadow, who crunched it with relish. "With or without the title, I am who I am, no greater or lesser than anyone else. No one else can define me. I believed so much in destiny. Now…now I know that I am my own destiny."

Hinata nodded. She brushed an apple seed from her hand and fed the second apple to her preferred horse, a calm and elegant-looking bay.

"I also learned that if you care about someone, you should cherish that. It isn't so common. And life is short and circumstances...can change everything."

Hinata turned to stare at him intently. "Is there – someone that you also care about?" She hesitated, then went on, blushing furiously. "I shouldn't have presumed – maybe there is someone else you want to marry…"

"No, it's okay. There is no one else in Konoha I want to marry."

He saw the question in her eyes, but she was too polite to ask it. Finally she said, diffidently, "Nii-san…do you…do you ever wish you had stayed in the South Country?"

Shadow gave a snort, as if he were answering in the affirmative.

Neji stared out through the wide stable door. The sun was going down. He remembered the magnificent sunsets of Suna. "No," he said finally. "Konoha is my home. And it would have been impossible for me to stay there. I am a wanted criminal in the South now; condemned to death. I will never forget my time there and…the people I knew. But I can never go back."

Seeing that she still looked troubled, he added, "Please don't worry. I am not unhappy."

Hinata nodded, but she still hesitated, not moving. "But, Nii-san…" she said diffidently, "are you happy?"

He reassured her that he was fine, and busied himself getting Shadow saddled and ready. But even after she had headed back to the house, her question lingered in his mind. Once he would have shaken the question off contemptuously. What did happiness matter? You strove to be the best, not the happiest, whatever that meant.

But now he understood what it meant; now he knew what it was to be truly happy, even if fleetingly. He had felt that at the New Year, sitting next to Shikamaru. He would probably not feel that way again, and it was just as well.

What he had said to Hinata was all true. But there was another reason he could not go back, one he would never admit to anyone, not even Hinata. She had been right; there was someone Neji cared about. But Shikamaru did not feel the same way. He was a man of honor, and he had a good heart. He had wanted to make Neji happy; he had always intended to keep his promise. But when they kissed, Shikamaru had hidden his face when others came by. And in the cell, he had shoved Neji away in disgust.

Do you think I would ever be with a slave?

Neji had been willing to risk everything for that one last moment of happiness, even if it meant his life. But Shikamaru did not have those feelings for him, and probably never had.

He swung himself up into the saddle. Hinata meant well, but her question was naïve, especially now. Happiness was for people who lived in times of peace. Happiness was for people who were not bound by a rigid class system. Happiness was for people who had not lost those they cared about most.

Happiness was for people who had Shikamaru at their side.

###

The bells were tolling, loud and incessant.

Shikamaru woke, confused, from a nap after training. At first he thought he was still dreaming, hearing the bells for Asuma's death. But a moment later he realized it was not a dream.

Downstairs, he heard his parents' choked voices. What on earth was going on?

"I can't believe it," his mother said. It sounded like she was gulping back tears. "Lord Jiraiya…"

Shikamaru's knees buckled, and he sat down abruptly on his bed. Lord Jiraiya – dead? He had known it was a dangerous mission, had known it might fail, had even in that small guilty part of his mind maybe hoped for a second that it would. But not like this.

Those Akatsuki had known Lord Jiraiya! He had been kind to them as children, rescued them, taken care of them. Yet they had murdered him, in cold blood, caring nothing for that.

"I don't know how Shikamaru will take this," his mother said in a shaky voice. "So soon after Asuma's death…"

Shikamaru heard his father blow his nose loudly. He realized he didn't want their sympathy, or to face them, knowing he had almost hoped this mission would fail. That weighed heavily on his mind.

Quickly, he slipped down the back stairs and outside. He walked through the streets, not really knowing where he was going, only conscious that, as after Asuma's death, he did not want to stand around talking of how terrible it was.

As he neared the training grounds, he spotted a figure sitting high up on the cliffs that overlooked the village. He recognized the bright blond hair and orange jacket of Naruto. Shikamaru climbed up to sit by his friend.

For once, Naruto was not smiling, or talking. He was simply sitting, gazing out unseeingly toward the gates of Suna, as if some part of him still hoped he would see Jiraiya strolling along the path, his familiar grin, his long white hair blowing in the late afternoon breeze. Naruto had had a special relationship with Jiraiya, who had taken the cocky young orphan under his wing and trained him, when Kakashi seemed more interested in training Sai.

Naruto acknowledged his presence with a nod, but did not speak. It was understood; they had both lost their teachers. The sunset was a dark purple; the sun seemed to sink out of sight as if succumbing to its own weight. They sat in silence watching it, until it began to grow dark and lights came on in the village below.

Shikamaru stood up. "Do you want to get some ramen?" He was not hungry, but ramen was one thing Naruto was always happy to see. But Naruto shook his head.

You could not rush grief, nor wish it away. Shikamaru knew that all too well. He squeezed his friend's shoulder and headed down the path, climbing down to the streets below.

Lord Jiraiya, the indomitable sannin. He had been everywhere, fought in so many battles. Everyone had loved him. People had speculated laughingly that he would live to be a hundred and still be ogling pretty young girls.

Now he was gone. Shikamaru's parents were crying. The whole village was silent in shock, people standing with a hand to their mouth and tears in their eyes, listening to the merciless tolling of the bells.

It felt like the end of the world.

###

It wouldn't be the end of the world, Neji thought, if he and Hinata were to get married. Of course it would not be a physical relationship, but as a person to live with, she was not objectionable. It would be a chance for both of them to be heads of the clan someday. And as head of the clan, he would be in a position to join with the South in defeating Akatsuki. That might be the only way to make it happen.

He had spent his whole life fighting against this fate; he had flown to the ends of the earth to escape it, but now, here he was, climbing back into his cage and realizing that it was not so objectionable after all. It was true, after all, you could not escape destiny.

If he could have – if he had not made so many mistakes – he might have been able to fight by Shikamaru's side, and maybe Shikamaru would not have gotten injured and Asuma would still be alive.

But then – he might never have seen his homeland again, never made things right with his family, or received his father's sword.

He thought of Shikamaru playing shogi against himself, how when he got into a corner he didn't like, he would often go back and replay part of the game, undoing the wrong turns he had taken, until he came out where he wanted to be. Neji had tried doing that once or twice, but it never seemed to work for him. He could not hold the sequence of moves in his head the way Shikamaru could, so each time he replayed it he came out somewhere different, with a new set of choices to be made. He could never seem to undo his mistakes.

It was growing dark, and he turned Shadow back toward the stables. These long evening rides were a comfort to both of them, a way for Shadow to get acquainted with different parts of Konoha, and often a way for Neji to work out things in his mind.

He would need to speak with his uncle.

He took his time unsaddling Shadow and brushing him down. He understood now why Shikamaru had found comfort in sleeping in the stables at times, and why he loved animals so much. Animals needed care, of course, and they could be difficult in their way, but they did not pose thorny personal questions and force you to face uncomfortable truths.

As he put the currying brushes away and tidied the stall, a ragged bit of red caught his eye. There, folded up neatly on the shelf, was the worn saddle blanket he and Shadow had used on their long journey from Suna. He pulled it out and unfolded it. It had been washed, but there were the faded letters, written in his own blood:

I BELONG WITH NARA SHIKAMARU

###

A.N.: Thanks for reading, everyone, and please leave a review! We are nearing the end now!