I do not own Star owns me!

I wrote this after reading a few stories with this Prompt, and I decided to give it a go. I hope you like it

Reedited form.

So again, this was reedited, and this time, it was by a beta! Yay. Thanks, Romanse!

Chapter 1

The Ride of Defeat

He didn't know how he ended up in this situation. No, that wasn't completely true. He had an idea how he had gotten here. He shook his head as the memory threatened to take over. He wasn't going to relive that memory, that horrifying nightmare. It made him shiver thinking of it. Damn it. It made him feel weak, and he wasn't weak. He wouldn't allow himself to be weak.

"Are you sure, Captain Kirk?" The man eyed the blond in front of him. If he had to judge, Jim was a man defeated. There was no fight left in his eyes. "It's a big decision. You don't want to rush into it." In his opinion, Kirk had given up.

Jim stared the Admiral down with one thought in mind. He had placed a lot of thought into this decision, and the Admiral had no idea how much it was killing him, but he had no other alternative. He shook off his anger, before speaking, "With all due respect, Admiral Barnett, I have thought about this."

"I do not believe you have," Barnett said, turning to the monitor where the documents for Kirk's resignation were waiting for completion. If you did, you wouldn't have chosen this. You've accomplished what many of us only dream of. You and the Enterprise have saved a great number of lives. You, the youngest Captain in Federation history, are the golden boy of Starfleet. Why would you throw it all away?" He started to type without waiting for an answer.

"I'm not throwing it away." Being James T. Kirk, he wanted to lash out and strike the man, sitting in front of him; however, that would only cause trouble. It wouldn't serve his purpose.

"I know some, who suffer through your situation, don't recover, and often..." The Admiral shook his head, not wanting to finish his thought. He didn't want that to happen to Captain Kirk, who had so much left to accomplish. "Don't throw your life-"

"Don't tell me how to live my life. I have made my decision."

Admiral Barnett met Jim's glare. "Understood." There was no use in fighting with a man, who had given up. The only person he would listen to was himself. Maybe after a couple months, he would come running back to Starfleet. "I will accept your resignation from Starfleet, but Admiral Pike must sign off on it." He gave him one long look before turning away.

The alcohol felt like frozen knifes, running down his throat, but it took the edge off. It was a comfort to his aching heart. It made life seem almost livable, which of course he knew wasn't. He had nothing to live for. He had given up the one thing that gave him meaning, and now, he was a man without purpose. He had no idea what he was going to do next, besides having another drink. Alcohol was the only real thing in life. It was the only thing he could count on. It was going to be there the next day.

Jim ordered a lime green shot and downed it. It tickled his buzzed senses as it passed through his body. He didn't care that his senses were disappearing, or that he was making a fool of himself. He just didn't care anymore. The only thing that he cared about was his pain, his rocketing pain. It needed to end, and the only thing, that assuages it, was alcohol. It had loosened the pain's hold on his heart. He ordered another drink and raised it to his warm lips. The clear liquid gave him a sense of security.

"Jim, put the drink down," a voice ordered.

Said man finished it. Soon after, Jim ordered another drink and brought it to his lips, but before he could drink the delicious liquid, the bottle disappeared from his hand. "Hey! What's your problem?" he asked, jumping to his feet. The alcohol had started to affect him. Everything was spinning, but he was able to pinpoint his drink.

"Jim," the man muttered, throwing the drink away. He placed a hand on the intoxicated man's shoulders. "Let's go, you had enough." Jim broke from his grip.

Kirk made his way back to the bar and ordered yet another drink, but the strange man, who looked familiar, took it from Jim. "Hey!" Jim protested. The anger that was boiling through his blood was directed at this man, who kept interrupting him. He needed his drink, damn it. He hadn't gotten to that point, the point where everything disappeared and were simply forgotten. He needed to forget who he was. He didn't want to be James T. Kirk anymore. He hollered for the bartender.

Confusion was present on Tom, the bartender's face, when he arrived. "What can I get you?" he asked.

The strange but familiar man cut Jim off, before he could order another drink. "As an officer of Starfleet, I, Admiral Christopher Pike, recommend that you not supply this man with another drink. He's clearly intoxicated." Tom glanced between them and walked away. It was stupid to pick a fight with Starfleet.

Damn it, Jim thought. Even in this buzzed state, words still made sense. The word Starfleet rang through him body. "What the hell gives you that right?"

"Jim." Pike reached for Jim, but the young man pulled away. "You're drunk."

"Says you." Kirk had a high tolerance for alcohol, which was the only reason he could understand what Pike was saying. He wasn't drunk. "Why are you here?" he asked, feeling his senses returning. Things became clearer. Words had meaning again.

Pike stared at the young man in front of him. "I'm here about your resignation." He didn't recognize the young man in front of him.

Jim waved him off, looking for the bartender, but Tom, whose glance landed on Admiral Pike, ignored him.

"Jim, can we talk?" Pike asked. Not wanting to have conversation at the bar, he walked away and took a seat at one of the many round tables. He signaled for Jim to join him, but the young man ignored him, trying to get Tom's attention. "You know, this is the same bar where we first met."

Remembering that night was somewhat amusing, even though he got his ass kicked; however, the man he'd nicknamed, Cupcake didn't fare better. Jim laughed, thinking about it. He had his share of bar fights, and most of the time he came out bloody, but that was the fun part. He was lucky that he didn't have many scars. In fact, he was lucky to be alive. He had been in many life and death situations, not even counting the situations he got himself into, while he was the Captain of the Enterprise. He would be dead without…Bones. He shook his head. He didn't want to think about him.

"You were a bloody mess."

Jim gave up on the bartender and took a seat across from Admiral Christopher Pike. "I vaguely remember." His eyes wandered, looking for a target. Maybe, he could get a pretty young person to buy him a drink. I need another drink. I'm starting to think clearly. His eyes spotted a beautiful young lady in the corner. Now, I just need to get her attention without Pike knowing.

"You cleaned up and made one fine captain."

"Says you." What good is a captain, whose crew doesn't want him? He hid his smile as the 'target' met his glance. She smiled, quite obvious that she found him attractive, and walked to the bar. Win.

Pike took a nice, long look at Jim. "What happened to you, Jim?" The target ordered a drink, and made her way to Jim. "Jim?"

Placing the drink in front of Jim, she failed to notice Admiral's expression as he eyed the drink. She also failed to notice Jim's expression as she reached down Jim's chest. She was inches away from his manhood; normally, he would be okay with it. He was a player; however, he wasn't feeling this. In fact, he was freaking out, but he wasn't going to show it. He wasn't weak. With one swift movement of the hand, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her away, but he had her close enough to whisper into her ear. "Watch your hands, sweetheart," he warned in a harsh tone. His breath made her shiver.

She stared into his beautiful blue eyes and froze. He let go of her hand, and she hurried out of there without saying a word. Jim eyed her out of the corner of his eye, until she was a safe distance away. He grabbed his drink, before Pike had a chance to steal it.

"Besides the fact, I marvel at how you got her to buy you a drink, I saw that," he said, eyeing the drink in Jim's hand.

Drinking half the bottle, Jim was slowly relosing his senses. "Saw what?"

"I saw how you tensed, when she reached for you."

"And you wouldn't? You know where she was going," he responded, defensive. He would need another drink after this, as he could still feel anxious. He didn't know what he was going to do after the bottle was empty It was a good friend, his only friend.

"Oh? I know where she was going, and I know you. You don't normally fret out over touches like those, and now? Jim, you have to let it out."

"Shut-it." Jim had no interest in talking about that one night. He had no interest in reliving it. That one night changed his life forever; it was the night that he lost his crew and everything that he ever dreamed.

Pike took a deep breath. "You can't keep it in."

"I'm not some chick, who needs to talk about what she's feeling. I'm James T. Kirk and I refuse to be that person who tears up over everything."

"I never said you were, but you can't run from it."

"I'm not running from anything," Jim uttered, finishing the bottle. He had an urge to obtain another target to get him a drink, but he doubted that Pike would fall for that.

"I don't know what you're going through, and I won't say that I do; however, I'll say that you don't have to go through this alone. You have friends." He stood up to leave. "I will not accept your resignation. You'll report to the U.S.S. Enterprise in two days." He stared down Jim, who nursed the empty bottom for the last few drops.

Jim fought the desire to hit Admiral Pike. Who did he think he was? He didn't know what he was going through. He had no right to tell him what to do. "I will not report to the Enterprise. I won't be somewhere where I'm not wanted."

"Not wanted? Aboard the Enterprise with your friends?"

"I don't have friends," he muttered, after the drop landed on his tongue.

"What are you talking about? You have-"

"No, I don't." He stood up rather fast, and the room spun. "I don't." He shook his head, trying to find the door. Targeting the door, he made his way.

"Jim, what's going on?" Pike asked, following the blond. By the time Jim answered the old man, they were outside. However, he didn't answer with his words, but rather, with his movements to his bike. "They don't know what happened to you, do they?" There was no answer. Shock was present in his voice. "So what do they think happened? What do they think of you?"

The young drunk man made his away to his motorcycle, playing with the key in his hands.

"I never knew you were a coward, Jim." Pike eyed him. He didn't like how this was going. "You left the Enterprise over a lie?"

"I didn't leave the Enterprise over a lie." Jim climbed onto his bike. "I left the Enterprise, because the fit wasn't right for anyone anymore." His helmet was secured on his head, but the keys still dangled in his hand.

"You know that's a lie. You're the only one, who's right for that ship."

Jim glanced back, noticing the look in Admiral Pike's eyes. It was pure fear, as if he was watching him ride to his death, and he could be right. Jim was passed the legal limit; he could easily be riding to his death, but he didn't care. He didn't care if he died right then. In fact, he wished he would die right then. He wouldn't have to face what had happened to him. He wouldn't have to know that the people, who mattered most to him, hated him. He wouldn't have to face a life without the Enterprise. "I don't fit there anymore, and I won't fit anywhere else."

"Just tell them what happened to you."

"Tell them what? I was sexually assaulted. That I was…" He couldn't say the world. His ego wouldn't let him say it, and though it made him sound sexist, any man that allowed themselves to be raped wasn't a man. "No, if they're willing to believe that about me in the first place, then we weren't friends to begin with." He wasn't going to beg.

Pike took a deep breath. "You can't get through this without them."

"And I can't get through this with them," he countered. He needed to get out of there, before he went crazy, even if he was already crazy. Slipping the key into the slot, Jim turned it over, and the bike came live.

"Jim, don't you dare." The engine roared as Jim placed his foot on the gas. "Don't you dare."

The young man registered the fear in Admiral Pike's voice, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anyone or anything anymore. The engine roared again.

"If you drive away now, you'll kill yourself." Pike made his way to Jim, but the bike took off as fast as Jim could possibly get it. He heard Pike yelling for him to stop. He heard him curse. He heard him cry out to him, but no matter what he said, Jim had no interest in listening to him. He had other things on his mind, and his life wasn't one of them. Nothing about his life made the list.

The road became nothing more than dirt as Jim turned off the main street. This dirt road brought back so many memories. He remembered stealing his dead father's car and driving it off the cliff. Though he got the shit beat out of him by his stepfather, he didn't regret much. The only thing, he regretted, was jumping out of the car. He should've gone over the cliff too, then; he wouldn't be in this pain. Then it hit him; that it was easily corrected.

Somehow, he threw off his helmet without slowing down. The engine seemingly roared with such anger that Jim didn't know existed. The tires screamed as the speed rose to an unnatural level. The wind blew into his face to the point that he couldn't see. His eyes watered. His mind flashed back to that same old memory, making him feel like a child. For a second, Jim had truly thought he had gone back to that time, and he wished that it could stay that way. Back then, he had no trouble, well besides his dear old mother and Frank. There was no doubt in his mind that they wished he had died back then. He hated to think that his own mother hated him, but that was how it was.

Brought back to reality by a bug lodging itself in his throat, James T. Kirk spotted the fateful cliff. His foot pressed harder on the gas, and the engine hollered one last time as it reached into the red. Jim knew the engine wasn't going to last much longer, but that wouldn't matter. He only needed to go a little bit farther to take off into the air. His eyes focused on the cliff, which seemed like the only way out.

It was calling to him.

Closing his eyes for second, he remembered the last happy memory he had. His lover's face appeared in his mind's eye, causing him to snap back to reality. Even if Spock hated him, which he knew he did, he wouldn't want him to do this. Jim didn't know why he would think of what that man would've wanted. Spock believed that Jim betrayed him and treated him like he was nothing; however, Jim was the one, who had been betrayed. All of his friends had turned their backs on him without even listening to him. They judged him before they knew what had happened, not that he would have told them anyway. He couldn't even admit it to himself.

The mood was gone; however, he didn't have time to stop the bike. The only way he was getting out this alive was to jump, which was what he did. His body buckled, hitting the ground; it was one of the most painful experiences of his life. His head felt like it was on fire, his arms felt like they had been ripped from his body, and his chest felt like it had been stomped on by a half ton horse. He heard the faint explosion of his bike; he knew he was still alive.

"Fuck," he muttered. Not only was he in extreme pain, he had just lost his brand new ride. He loved that bike. Damn. He was going to have to walk home now, but he had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who wanted to kill himself. He pushed himself up off the ground, forcing the scream back down his throat. He was going to feel this in the morning. He wiped the dirt from his face, only to discover he was covered in blood. After examining himself, he found numerous bleeding lacerations after examining himself. It didn't bother the blond as he found the blood to be rather cooling, especially in this hot sun.

"Better get walking," Jim told himself, seeing miles of nothing. There was nothing around that could be used as a shelter, and he needed to get to out of the heat. Shit, I feel like I have been hit by a car, he thought. At every step he took, pain shot through his whole body. "This is going to be a long walk home."

When young Kirk got home, it was already dark. His body had developed a heavy limp, by the time he came upon his driveway. He was out of breath and knew he would 'die' the second he reached his bed. He was so tired, and he didn't care if he bleed and ruined his new bed. He just wanted to go to bed and sleep the pain away, but he doubted that would happen when he noticed someone on his porch. He hoped it wasn't Admiral Pike. He didn't want to hear what that man had to say. He didn't need a lecture.

To his surprise, it wasn't Admiral Pike, but rather his long lost brother, whom he hadn't seen in years. He would have run to his brother, if he wasn't in extreme pain; instead, a smile appeared on his face. "How did you find me?" Jim asked, hiding everything he was feeling. He didn't want this meeting to be ruined by his many problems.

"I heard someone had brought old Gina's place," his brother smiled. Standing only a few inches taller than Jim, he wasn't as lean and muscular as his younger brother, but he was built. "I just came out here to introduce myself, being a good neighbor," he smiled. "Being the gentleman."

"And you were always the gentleman, Sam." Jim hadn't move, since spotting his brother on the old patchy porch. He didn't want Sam to notice how beat up he was. He was glad for the cover of darkness.

"Yea, I was." Sam stepped down from the porch. "So why are you here, Jim? Last, I heard of you, you had joined Starfleet." A chuckle escaped from his lips. "And Mother wasn't pleased."

"Of course she wasn't," Jim said, remembering that woman. She wasn't please at anything that he had accomplished. He had no illusions that she would be happy for him.

"Anyway," Sam said, rubbing his blonde head. The Kirks were a family full of blonde. "I hear congratulations are in order, you know for saving the world."

His older brother was traipsing through uncomfortable waters. Jim didn't want to talk about that life anymore. He would rather talk about the shabby house that he had brought. The farm house looked like it was going to fall apart, but Jim liked it. Repairing it, it gave him something to do. "I guess."

Sam eyed his brother. "I know we haven't seen each other in years, but I know when something's wrong. What is it? Why are you here? Why aren't you with Starfleet?" He took a few more steps closer to Jim, and the state of his little brother became visible.

Jim shivered under his brother's eyes. He felt inferior like he had failed his brother. "I'm fine, Sam." He didn't want to talk about Starfleet. "Just crashed my bike on the way back," he answered, noticing Sam's concern.

"Is that why you walked back?" There was a pause. "Why didn't you call anyone? I'm sure someone would've picked you up."

Jim snorted. They both knew that there was no one, who he could have called, even though there were a couple that came to mind, but that wasn't the point. "Yea, Sam. I could've called Frank." He narrowed his eyes, walking past him.

"JIMMY!" Sam yelled, seeing how badly his brother was injured.

"What did you expect? I crashed." Jim limped his way to the door, searching for his keys. It didn't surprise him, when he couldn't find his keys. They probably went over the cliff with his bike. Fighting the urge to curse, he pulled out his ID and picked the lock. He didn't want his brother to know where his keys really were. "Would you like to come in?" He pushed the door open.

"Yes, I would like that," Sam said, following his brother into the house. "We can catch up. I would like to tell you about Joy."

Jim turned around, too quickly. He almost lost his footing. "Joy?"

"My fiancé," Sam smiled.

He looked away from his old brother, ashamed. His brother had great news to tell him, but he only had bad, which he couldn't even tell his brother. Sam didn't need to know about the trial, the resignation, and the suicide attempt. He didn't need to know any of it. "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." Sam went on all about Joy, who seemed like a great lady. She was everything that anyone would ever want in partner. "I can see that you're bored."

Jim wouldn't say that; he rather enjoyed listening to his brother talk. He was happy that his brother was able to find someone, who he would be able to spend the rest of his life with. He wished that he could have found that special someone. Well, he did find that special person, but… He shook his head. He mustn't think of Spock at this time. The man had already told him so (in so many words) that he didn't want him. Even his (well not anymore) crew told him that they didn't want him. Did anyone want him? "Not at all." He smiled.

Sam laughed. "Well that's good."

"So when are you getting married?" Jim would be there no matter what.

"In a three days, and I want you there. That is if Starfleet will let you."

"I'll be there no matter what Starfleet says." The word stunned as it left his mouth, but he wasn't going to let it show. Sorry, Pike, but I can't.

"Excellent," Sam smiled. He sat across from Jim in an old chair that needed to be thrown away. "I guess it would be stupid to ask, if you had visited Mother yet. I know she would love to see you."

Jim did his best not to laugh, but he wouldn't keep in his snort. She would rather see Dad than me. He thought. "I bet Frank would love that."

"Hey, they can't turn away the famous Starfleet Captain, who had saved the planet as well as their lives."

"You would never know," Jim said, not having the nerve to correct him. He didn't know, if he would ever have the nerve to correct him. He doubted that he could ever be able to face Frank or his mother, if they knew. He could almost see the look on Frank's face, if he ever found out. "I knew you would always be a failure, boy." He didn't know if he could take that.

"Give Mother some faith. I doubt she could be able to turn away her baby boy."

Jim almost laughed again. He was never her baby boy, and he would never be no matter what happened. "If you say so, Sam." He couldn't disappoint his brother.

until next time