All Twilight characters are the property of Stephenie Meyer.

I've always imagined the Volturi as kind of an incestual den of fabulousness and iniquity. I probably got this impression from all the Baroque architecture and eyeliner. I figured they got bored with all those centuries of nothing to do but plot evil schemes to rule the world and turned into the set of Passions on Crack for at least a few days out of the year. At any rate, please enjoy this ridiculous peek into one of Demetri's devious schemes.

Getting Off the Beaten Tracker

Part One: Ready

It was just a little crush. Harmless, really. It might pass for a fleeting fancy in any one else's mind, but to me it became an obsession. You know how we trackers are. Once we set our sights on something, we don't give up the hunt until we sink our teeth into our prey.

And it was exactly that kind of determination that I was counting on.

There was a light rap at the door.

"Hey, sugar, mind if I come in?" a dulcet voice asked, its owner effortlessly pushing open the massive wooden antique that masqueraded as the door to my chambers. Heidi's beautiful face appeared in the soft beam of light that spilled in from the flaming sconces in the hallway – another sign of our master Aro's reluctance to leave the Dark Ages snugly in the past.

"But of course, my dear," I drawled, finishing the last swirl on the calligraphied square of parchment before me with a flourish.

"Thanks," she said, her full lips curving up into a smile as she let herself into the room and shut the door behind her. It didn't surprise me in the slightest to see that her stunning body was completely bare but for a thin half-slip secured with a ribbon around her narrow waist. Her enviously perky breasts were partially obscured at present by a large tome with a picture of the Vatican City on the cover. The title was written in the characters of an Asian language I didn't recognize.

"A little light reading before bed?" I teased, licking the tip of the quill pen in my hand and dipping it into the inkwell again.

"Hardly. More like a little light reading in lieu of bed," she huffed, settling daintily onto the embroidered settee I had stolen from Versailles the last time I was invited for a hunting weekend. That was three hundred years ago. And to think those jaunty riding breeches I had made for the occasion still fit like a dream!

"Hiding from Felix again?" I snorted, settling back against the velvet cushions of my bed and fanning my face lazily with the parchment to dry the ink.

She rolled her eyes, but didn't address my conjecture directly. "Aro told me that all the recent hunting we've been doing has driven down tourism in Volterra. He said we need to think about branching out to bigger cities and more diverse tourist populations," she said, tapping the cover of the book for emphasis.

"The Vatican City? Won't the Pope object?"

She scanned a few pages at lightening speed before responding drily, "No, he doesn't mind as long as we don't take the Catholics." She relaxed back into the settee, allowing her legs to part slightly.

"Good. I hate eating Catholics, anyway. The guilt makes their blood so sour," I said, pursing my lips and tilting my head to admire the peek at her undercarriage.

Her eyes flashed red with amusement, the blue contacts she normally wore to blend in with humans already removed for the evening.

The door to my chambers opened abruptly and the hulking form of a disgruntled Felix appeared.

"THERE you are!" he said with an accusing glare at Heidi.

She didn't even look up from her book as she calmly displayed her middle finger to him.

"Well, hello there, Felix," I said, admiring his chiseled body, naked but for a pair of silk boxer shorts.

"Oh come on, baby!" he whined, shifting uncomfortably under the weight of my lecherous gaze. "My balls are turning blue! You promised me a fuck before the night was over!"

She licked her fingers and turned another page. "I have a date with Aro tonight. I need to finish this book before then."

"Aro?" I asked with interest. "Since when are you boffing him?" And why should she be so favored, the bitch?

"Oh, I'm not," she assured me with a knowing smile. "He just finds my memories the most pleasant to jerk off to."

"Mmm, lucky girl."

"I can be quick, Heidi!" Felix said eagerly, clearly getting a little antsy. "You don't even have to pretend to like it this time!"

"I didn't pretend last time," she muttered with a roll of her eyes.

"What's the matter, Felix? Tired of chasing the local school girls?" I teased him, running my tongue suggestively over the seal of an envelope. "Or did Aro find out about the one you crushed?"

Felix ignored my question and turned his best puppy dog eyes to Heidi. "Pleeeeeease..."

Heidi made a supremely irritated sound and stood, slamming her book shut with a mighty TWHUMP that sent a sexy shockwave through her tits.

"FINE, you big horny ox!" she hissed, stalking over to my great mahogany chest of drawers (a gift from Marcus from his last sex tour to Thailand) and bending over it. She hiked her satin slip up to expose her deliciously ripe ass, propped her book up against the mirror, and continued reading.

"Here?" he squeaked, not liking the hungry way my eyes were devouring the sizeable bulge in his shorts.

"It's here or nowhere," she growled impatiently, propping her chin up with her fist as she turned the page.

He shrugged and wriggled out of his shorts, granting me an excellent view of his granite ass and his substantial erection. He gave Heidi's ass a testing slap and she spread her legs to accommodate him, still not looking up from her book. He put one hand on her hip and used the other to grasp his cock and give it a few preparatory pumps. My own member twitched under my robe reflexively as he pushed himself into Heidi with a groan.

"Damn, Heidi, you got a fucking irrigation system down there? Why are you so fucking wet?" he groaned, sliding his cock slowly in and out of her to savor the sensation.

She shrugged nonchalantly. "Church History gets me a little hot."

Felix chose to ignore the hand I slid under my robe and looked instead at the stack of papers beside me on the bed. "What are you doing in tonight, anyway? More erotic origami?" he sneered.

"I happen to be putting the finishing touches on my invitations," I told him haughtily.

"Ummm..." he closed his eye momentarily before addressing me again, "Bloody hell, they aren't for another pansy costume ball, are they? I am SO not falling for your Little Bo Peep gag again."

"You flatter me, Felix. You really thought that was my shepherd's crook? And here I thought that you were just flirting with my sheep."

Heidi snickered. Felix reached up to grab her breast, but she slapped his hand away.

"So is it a costume ball?" Felix asked in his normal voice, not at all winded by the exercise. It was a very off-putting quirk about being fucked by a vampire.

"No," I said, slightly mesmerized by the methodical way he plowed into her, his marble balls slapping rhythmically against her gorgeous ass with a steady thwock, thwock, thwock...

"Gunfff..." Felix said. "So, uh, what's the occasion?"

"この大聖堂は非常に古いです..." Heidi said thoughtfully, carefully tasting the foreign tongue in her mouth.

"I'm hosting a Tracking contest," I informed him.

"Don't you think that's a little..." he paused his speech to groan again, "...unfair to all the other trackers? We all know you'd win – Aro would never have anything less than the best in the Volturi."

I bowed my head and smiled demurely at this compliment.

Felix picked up his pace. THWACK, THWACK, THWACK...

Heidi turned to me with interest, trying to maintain her dignified composure through her pummeling, even though the entire chest of drawers underneath her was rocking back and forth on its spindly legs. "Are you hoping some new talent has been turned since the last time you went looking for competition?" she asked.

"Actually, I was rather hoping to attract some old competition," I said, allowing myself a self-indulgent stroke under my robe. "Mmm..."

"If you take your dick out again, Dem, I swear I am going to punch you in the face," Felix warned.

Heidi looked up from her book with concern, "I'm sorry, sugar, are we bothering you? You want me to suck you off when I'm done?"

"Hey! How come you didn't offer to suck me off?" Felix asked with a scowl.

"Because you're an oaf."

"Well anyway, Dem's not into girls," Felix snorted, increasing his stride to a speed the Energizer bunny would envy.

......

Heidi raised her eyebrow. "I thought Dem was an equal opportunity lover?"

I sighed heavily. "I was until I made the mistake of engaging in a tryst with our Jane. That little snit had the nerve to brain-pain me whilst my member was situated in her love compartment!" I shuddered at the memory. Talk about aversion therapy!

"So you're off the twat for good, huh?" Heidi seemed slightly disappointed.

"At least for the next century or so, I'm afraid."

"I'm coming," Felix mentioned as an aside, wincing slightly with bliss.

"Me, too," Heidi said, turning back to her book.

"Really?" he asked incredulously.

"Uh-huh. Kegel's. I swear by 'em. I can come just by leaning forward in my seat on the bus."

"So you just do it all the time, then?"

"Oh yes. I think that's why I'm such a people person."

I threw back my head and laughed at Felix, "NOT exactly a compliment to your skills, my man."

Felix scowled and pulled his shorts back up. "So who are you hoping to attract then?" he asked me, anxious to steer the subject to any topic other than his sexual prowess.

"Yes, who is it, Dem? I take it you don't mean a lady..." Heidi asked probingly.

I was struck suddenly with a fit of modesty. "Oh, it's no one you would know..." I redirected my attention to sealing envelopes, but they continued staring at me until I went on. "Well, all right – if you must know it's... James. The Nomad."

The pair of them exchanged a skeptical look.

I frowned. "What's wrong with that?"

Heidi suppressed a grin. "A little rough-and-tumble for your style, isn't he?"

Felix snorted. "Slumming it are we, Demetri? What's wrong with one of your usual lipsticked pets? I thought you liked them pretty."

"But that's just it!" I said, exhaling loudly in frustration. "I'm sick of being with guys who've lost all sense of what it means to be men. If I wanted a fellow who wore more make-up than I do I'd go cuddle with Caius. I like that James is a little rough around the edges. Have you had a look at him lately? Those ripped jeans he wears low around his tight little hips, that scuffed leather jacket effortlessly unzipped over those oooooh fuck-me-hard abs, that wickedly devil-may-care hair falling slightly into those eyes that could bring you to your knees..." I trailed off, a thin line of saliva oozing out of the corner of my mouth as I recalled James' appeal.

"I think I just came again," Heidi reported.

Felix remained unconvinced. "If he's such a real man what makes you think he takes cock?"

"He doesn't have to take a fucking thing," I said, a mischievous grin spreading over my face. "I expect to be doing all the receiving. Have you seen his cock? Fucking Vlad the Impaler over there!" I wriggled around against the cushions giddily.

"Oh! There I go again!" Heidi said with an honest-to-goodness squeak as she spontaneously orgasmed again. "Honestly, Dem, if you don't stop talking about him I may have to get a napkin."

"I see," Felix said. "So how exactly are you going to lure Don Juan, Jr. into your ass? Have him trip over you in the steam room?"

"Simple," I said slyly, waving one of the invitations for emphasis. "If he's anything like me – and I have a feeling he is – he can't resist the chance to show off his skills. He's still bitter about Aro choosing me over him for the position on the Guard. He'll come to the tracking competition."

"And then you plan to just jump him at the finish line? No offense, man, but I think he could probably kick your ass with minimal effort."

"Don't you worry. I'll think of something. I can be quite persuasive when I want." I trailed the feather quill suggestively down the open neck of my robe. Felix pretended to gag.

"And what about his lady Big Red?" Heidi asked, referring to James' mate Victoria. "That cat's got her claws pretty deep in her man." Heidi seemed to be speaking from bitter experience.

"Easy. The competition's for trackers only. She'll stay at the castle with you all."

"Ooooh, can I entertain her?" Heidi brightened.

"You can certainly try."

"Mmmm..." Heidi closed her eyes, imagining the possibilities. "I'm going to go get that napkin now."

I finished my invitations that night and checked over the list of recipients I had compiled the day before. Besides James I had also begrudgingly included the old grump Alistair in England. The rotten geezer hated my guts but Aro would be entirely put out if I didn't extend his old acquaintance a courtesy invitation. In addition I had invited over a dozen lesser-known trackers from around the world: China, Russia, Zimbabwe, Brazil... As a breed we trackers tend to prefer to be as far away from each other as possible. That is, when we're not trying to seduce one another, of course. But the distances made no difference to me. As soon as I pictured the person in my mind I felt a thrum of energy swell through me, pulling me in their direction. It was maddening that I could know instantaneously where any person on the planet was at any given time, yet I was limited by my physical abilities as to how fast I actually reached them. Yes, as a vampire I was quite adept at speed over land – but even vampires prefer not to swim an entire ocean to reach their destination. Felix and Heidi offered to help me as long as I pointed them to the location of each invitee, and so I divided up the list between us. Heidi offered to go to all the locations that required plane travel since she fit much more easily into a standard plane seat than six-foot-eight Felix did.

With the other invitations as good as delivered, I turned my attention to the real task at hand: getting the elusive Mr. James to take the bait. I took a moment to still myself and concentrate, calling up the faint memory of his aura in my mind. There, I thought with satisfaction as I located him in some dump town in the mountains of Croatia, I've got you now.

I set off at once.

Will Demetri be able to persuade James to compete in the competition? Stay tuned for the next exciting installment!

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