A/N: Wow, it has been far, far too long since I was online at all. Recently discovered the supreme joy of taking my laptop into the library, since we don't have the net right now. So, in the meantime, I've watched a LOT of movies. A few months ago, my flatmate and I watched I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, and oh my god, it was the FUNNIEST THING. So, here is some fanfiction it inspired, to show how happy I am to be BACK!

Right off the bat I would like to say, this fic is not going to last the thirty days indicated by the title. I've already written a good-sized chunk of it, and I'm expecting it to make it to maybe 10 days or so before finishing. It's called 30 Days because that is the original length of time planned by Sirius and Remus, not by me. Sorry to say, I have no intention of writing out 30 chapters worth of this fic.

ALSO. I would like to officially PIMP my Twitter account. I am EXTREMELY active on Twitter, and asides from updates on how my personal life is going (which is a pretty big factor in the quantity and quality of my writing) I post updates on what I'm writing, hints on special upcoming projects, occasional requests for inspiration or ficlet prompts, updates on my music-makin' hobby, information on the HP roleplaying forum I have in the making, regular information on the state of my underwear, and if I decide to do anything new and exciting, I guarantee you'll be the first to know. My username is Tomo(underscore)Potter, and there are several links to my page itself on my profile. I really love Twitter, it's a fantastic way to keep in touch, and can also be a pretty gnarly form of legal stalking at times. (Haha, gnarly.) Basically, Twitter is great, and you can ask me questions and we can chat, which is pretty danged awesome. SELF PLUG OVER.

Warning: Swearing, homosexuality, pretend homosexuality, sexual references, homophobia.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or locations that you recognise from the Harry Potter series. They are property of J.K Rowling, and Warner Bros Entertainment, and no copyright infringement is intended. I make no profit from this story. Credit for the inspiration behind the plot goes to whoever the geniuses behind Chuck and Larry are.

30 Days

1 - The Challenge

If you were gay

That'd be okay

I mean, 'cause, hey

I'd like you anyway.

Because you see

If it were me

I would feel free to say

That I was gay

But I'm not gay.

If You Were Gay - Avenue Q

"Done being in love with yourself, Sirius? We're gonna be late for Charms." Remus sighed, leaning on the wall next to the bathroom door, arms wrapped around his copy of Advanced Charms For Advanced Students boredly.

"Almost done!" Sirius hollered back. "I've just got this one hair that won't.... aha!" There was a delighted noise, and a moment later Sirius appeared in the doorway, his chin-length shaggy hair perfectly arranged around his beaming face. "Perfection, no?" Remus merely shook his head in shame, and started walking to Charms. Sirius grabbed his bag off his bed, following his friend. "Hey, Remus, it's not like we're gonna die of lateness. We've got fifteen minutes, that's plenty of time!"

"Next time, I'm not waiting." Remus responded, sighing. "Why do you have to spend a million years fixing your hair every morning anyway? The rest of us don't. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure no other guy in this school spends that long on his hair. You may as well go move into the girls dorm." Remus sighed, then realised a second later what he had said.

"Oh, I practically live there anyway. Tiffany." He added, with a nod to a short girl, whose skirt, Remus was reasonably sure, was far shorter than the allowed 10 centimeters above the knee.

"Siri-poo!" She beamed back, throwing him a wink. Remus mock-gagged, and Sirius slapped him on the arm.

"What's your problem?" Sirius hissed. "Tiffany's GORGEOUS!"

"Sure, if you go for girls who have already done the whole school. I'm pretty sure she's got diseases - that doesn't exactly turn my crank." Remus raised an eyebrow, and Sirius blinked.

"Christ, if Tiffany's got diseases...." He trailed off.

"SIRIUS! You didn't!" Remus said, looking at his friend incredulously.

"Well, just look at her! She's bloody gorgeous!" Sirius said in his own defense, glancing back at the bombshell, who was now talking to her best friend, a slightly worried-looking Jewish girl who Remus had tutored in Arithmancy a few times.

"Yeahhh, that's great. And now look at me." Remus sighed. "Sirius, girls are people too." ("Lies!" Sirius interrupted. Remus ignored him.) "They have feelings, and funnily enough, some of them might not be exactly safe to touch. There's never anything wrong with keeping it in your pants for a change."

"Have you ever even had it out of your pants, Remus?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "CAN you even get it out of your pants? Maybe it's sewn to the inside of your underpants. How on earth do you piss?"

"Sirius!" Remus interrupted, sighing. "Seriously, you're going to get yourself into trouble if you keep this up. Just... it's okay to take a step back sometimes. You don't have to be Mr. Fucks-a-Lot. It's not gonna... I dunno... make you less of a man or something."

"Less of a man?" Sirius laughed. "I am all man. I couldn't be less of a man if I was a poofter. I don't do it because I wanna look like a manly man. I do it because it's fun, innit? That's all. Just a bit of fun."

"Mmmyeah." Remus said sceptically. "Just make sure your bit of fun doesn't go getting you into serious trouble, mate. I'm worried, that's all."

"Yeah yeah. You sound like James. He's just jealous Lily still isn't giving him anything."

"Or maybe he's worried about you, Sirius. You're sex-mad."

"Not a bad thing to be mad about though, eh?" Sirius winked at him, eyeing the short skirt of a Hufflepuff rushing to her first class.

"Just... shut up. I give up on you." Remus sighed, hugging his charms book tighter.

"You mean you still cared? Oh Moony dearest, I gave up on you a long time ago. You're either gay or a nun, and either way I don't want to know."

"I'm not gay!" Remus squawked, alarmed that Sirius could even THINK something like that. "I'm just not a whore like you!"

"Oh please." Sirius rolled his eyes. "You've never even LOOKED too hard at a girl."

"And you know why!" Remus hissed, suddenly more offended than he thought he was. "They'd start wondering where I bugger off to every month. It's too risky. I can't chance dating anyone, certainly at least not until I'm out of Hogwarts, and can... I dunno, make up excuses or something."

"Well it's not working. I've...." Sirius hesitated. "I've heard people talking, Moony. Saying things... really awful things about you."

"Who? What?" Remus said, feet coming to a halt, a gobsmacked expression on his face. He figured people must think he was a bit weird because he wasn't interested in girls, but he didn't even for a second think of anyone thinking he was gay.

"You know Anderson and Etcoff, those Ravenclaws? They didn't know I was there, I was under the cloak on the way to put dungbombs in the Slytherin Quidditch shower room. You walked past them, and helped Carol pick up her books. She did that whole flirty smile thing she always does when she sees you, and you just smiled back and walked off. They laughed for ages - you didn't hear them, and they had this huge loud conversation about it... I really don't want to repeat any of it, Remus." He said, sadly. "It was bad. That's all I'm saying."

Remus raised and eyebrow, and Sirius sighed. "Alright. Just... one of them said, 'Christ, he's so queer he wouldn't even know what a skirt was unless it was wrapped around his own hips.' That's all I'm repeating. It was really nasty stuff, Moony. You don't wanna know." Seeing the look of disbelief, hurt, and rage on his friend's face, he continued hastily. "But they're morons, Moony. You shouldn't listen to them. Even if you were queer, it wouldn't matter, and it sure as fuck wouldn't be any of their business."

This last remark rang strangely with Remus, and he narrowed his eyes slightly. "Why did you bring this up, Sirius?"

"I just... thought you should know?" Sirius said, surprised to suddenly be the one being attacked.

"No, you didn't. You were curious." The bell rang, the last stragglers in the hallway ducked into classes, and all fell quiet, but neither of them made the slightest move to make it to their lessons in time. "Sirius, do you actually think I'm gay?"

"Of course not, Moony! You're my friend! I wouldn't care if you were, but I don't...."

"Yes you do! For fuck's sakes, you know I'm not! You know me better than anyone Sirius, you were the one who worked out what I am just from the look on my face when you showed me that trashy muggle horror novel. You should know I'm not interested in guys! Christ, I'm not interested in anyone at all! Is that so wrong?"

"No, it's not Moony!" Sirius pleaded. "I know you're not gay! I just... it got to me, hearing those guys talk about you that way. I thought there could be something to their idea, but that's all, I swear. I'm sorry." He sighed.

"No, I'm sorry." Remus rubbed his face. "I'm just antsy. That time of the month. There's nothing wrong with being gay. It's just weird being thought of that way."

"I wouldn't know." Sirius chuckled, relieved to be off the hook. "I'm all about the ladies."

"Who, I repeat, ARE real people."

"I know. And so are we. But the difference is that we ARE real people who are now late for Charms."

"Screw Charms." Remus said, and Sirius's jaw actually dropped open with surprise. "Let's just go for a walk. I'm tired of being the good little boy. Wanna blow off class for once."

"Whoo, look at you acting like me! Next you know you'll be growing this out-" He mussed Remus's short hair affectionately "-and fucking everything in a skirt."

"Yeesh. No thanks for either. Just sick of Charms for the moment." Remus sighed, loosening his tie and adjusting his heavy schoolbag. "And sick of school and sick of life and just... sick of it." Sirius glanced at his friend, alarmed at this side of him that he had never so much as glimpsed before. He looked melancholy, and much, much older than he was. The grey strands proliferating in the werewolf's hair always made him appear older than seventeen, but the weariness on his face made the effect truly frightening. And so Sirius replied the only way he knew how.

"Come on." He clapped his friend on the shoulder, smiling warmly at him. "It's time to shake things up."

Remus looked up at Sirius, a wicked glint forming in his eyes. "A prank?"

"Something much better than just any ordinary prank. A truly spectacular, newsworthy prank. We'd have to fool the whole school, even James and Pete. Something mindblowing."

"You have an idea?" Remus was grinning now, most of those extra years having fallen off, replaced by the 11 year old whose eyes had lit up in terrified delight the first time Sirius took him to plant a dungbomb in Slughorn's office. The return of his friend's usual cheerful demeanor only fueled Sirius' desire to make this prank a memorable one, and possibly teach a few people a lesson, while they were at it.

"Definitely. Just give me... until after tea. Then it'll be perfect."

"You're going to cut your classes and spend all day in the tree, aren't you." The tree was the biggest, shadiest, most climbable tree by the Hogwarts lake. Sirius had called it for the Marauders at the start of Second year, and nobody else, (Except the smallest, stupidest First Years, and some foolhardy Slytherins) had come near it since.

"Yep." Sirius grinned. "Care to join me? Kitchen runs are always better when there's someone else to help out."

"Sounds like a plan." Remus decided, throwing off the worry of classes for once. (And kitchen runs were always better when you weren't alone. More hands.)

They adjusted course, walking in a pensive silence until they reached the tree; Sirius trying to figure out how to make his idea work and, more importantly, how to sell it to Remus, Remus wondering what said idea might be. When they reached the tree Sirius swung easily up to the most comfortable branch, turning to help his shorter friend up. They settled in and Sirius lit up an illicit cigarette, filling the tree with the scent of burnt tobacco. Remus wasn't quite sure where Sirius got hold of his cigarettes, but they always seemed to help him when he was planning, or chasing some bird.

"So, are you even going to give me a hint? Because I haven't got a lot to go on yet." He asked, coughing slightly as a cloud of the smoke was blown in his direction by an errant wind. Sirius shook his head enigmatically.

"No. I need to have it all figured out, or you'll say no."

"Sure? I'm in a pretty rebellious mood today. Do you want to start another fire or something?" Remus enquired, his learned mind getting more curious by the second.

"No fires. Not after Dumbledore set fire to my robe at dinner as punishment. That man is an old fox." Sirius sighed, chuckling slightly at the memory.

They lapsed into a comfortable, thoughtful silence which lasted about two hours, during which time Sirius smoked two cigarettes and worked out the basis of his plan, and Remus considered, then discarded a baker's dozen ideas of what Sirius could be planning. All were either too silly, or just plain not Sirius-ish enough. Sirius may be reckless and not care about people's feelings enough, but nobody could plan like he could. Even James paled when Sirius had a really good idea, but tree ideas always blew the whole lot of them away. Remus wondered what could be so monumentously huge that not even James or Peter could be involved. He had just discarded the idea of the two of them pretending to be dogs that haunted the school (too stupid) when Sirius flicked his cigarette butt into the lake and sat up.

"Food run." He announced, hopping down from the branch and reaching up to give Remus a hand. He never had been too good at the whole 'tree' thing.

"Already?" Remus asked, taking the proffered hand and stumbling ungracefully down the trunk.

"Skipped breakfast." Sirius said, and Remus nodded silently. Sirius was never particularly talkative when he was thinking, and didn't tend to appreciate conversation unless it contributed to his idea. They walked in the direction of the kitchens in silence, Sirius occasionally glancing at Remus as though the mere sight of him would help with planning. Eventually Remus could take it no more, and asked.

"Why do you keep looking at me?"

"Just..." Sirius hesitated. "Wondering if this is a good idea. For either of us."

"Sirius, it's not like you to develop a conscience. That's supposed to be my job. Tell me the idea. I'll let you know if it's a good one or not."

Sirius simply shook his head, and they passed the whole rest of the day pretty much in utter silence, until they joined an understandably curious Peter and James at dinner. Sirius simply explained it away as a Hogsmeade dash, and they accepted it, making the usual dumb jokes and laughing like normal all through the meal. Sirius was even more enthusiastic about the usual teatime jokes than usual, being the only one at the table who knew that this may be their last normal tea as friends for some time.

000

"Moony? Budge over will you, it's freezing out here." Sirius whispered that night, after James and Peter were well and truly asleep. Remus, who had been in a similar state, responded with an eloquent; "Glrmpgh."

"Yes, yes, glrmpgh and all that. Shuffle!" Sirius hissed, pushing Remus aside and sliding into bed next to him. It was not the first time he had slipped into Remus' bed in the middle of the night; back when he had still lived with his family, and for some time afterward, Sirius had been plagued by horrible nightmares, and Remus graciously listened to him gibbering in the middle of the night about the switch being after him, then cuddled him and told him he was at school and everything was fine until they slipped back to sleep, warm and safe and young. It had been well over two years since that had last happened though, and Remus had grown accustomed to sleeping through the night on his own.

"What in fuck's name are you doing here, Sirius? It's.... some stupid hour of the morning." Remus grumbled, sitting up.

"Hold on a moment." Sirius cast a quick silencing charm on the bed to keep from waking the others, before he continued. "I came to tell you about my idea. I had to wait until the others were sleeping. Or at least almost asleep. Yeah. Almost asleep might be better."

"Oh, you're going to tell me now?" Remus rubbed his eyes sleepily. "Not when I asked before? When you said you'd tell me?"

"It's better this way. More convincing. Besides, like I told you, the others can't know. Not at all. They have to be tricked like everyone else, it won't be convincing enough if they're involved."

"Great, yeah. That's really, really terrific. Are you ever planning on telling me what they're not to be involved in?"

"The most terrific, superbly magnificent idea I have ever produced. Ever. Our... discussion this morning gave me the idea. You said "It's weird being thought of as gay." And I said "I wouldn't know because I fuck everything in a skirt." and you said "ew", or something along those lines. Whatever the case, I decided I should know. And maybe we could teach those uppity homophobes a thing or two about respect."

"Sirius..." Remus said warningly, but Sirius ploughed on nevertheless.

"We are going to pretend to be a couple for exactly one month." Sirius beamed, spreading his arms as if they were fireworks. "For thirty days, we'll be a couple in the public eye. If nothing else, it'll be a laugh when we say "Just kidding!" and we can rub it in everyone's faces what tossers they can be."

"You... are completely barmy." Remus shook his head. "Sirius, there is NO WAY we can do this! Quite asides from ruining our reputations forever, pretending to be a couple means doing all sorts of gay stuff. We'd probably have to snog to convince people."

"I know." Sirius grinned. "I've been considering it all day. I reckon it'd be worth it, for the looks on their faces when we reveal it alone."

Remus paused to consider this. "Maybe. But it's still completely barmy."

"So are all of my ideas, and they ususally turn out magnificently." Sirius beamed, and Remus sighed.

"I must be bonkers."

"You're considering it?" Sirius beamed.

"Maybe. I'll see how I feel in the morning. Right now I'm at least marginally sure I'm dreaming you."

"Fair enough." Sirius grinned. "D'you mind if I sleep here tonight? I nearly froze my tits off just nipping over here, and it'd probably be a whole lot more convincing if we woke up in the same bed, eh?"

"True." Remus acknowledged, already settling himself back down, eyes drifting shut. He shuffled over, letting Sirius snuggle down next to him, and the two slept warmly, and, truth be told, a lot more soundly than they had in a long time.