They say simplicity is the key to a warm-natured soul...

Gah!

Who the heck is "they" anyway?

"They" being 78-year-old perverted geezers on the verge of losing their teeth?

"They" being enticing young boys who can't seem to keep it in their pants?

"They" being a nonexistent mother and a nutty father lacking an unfair and laughable amount of brainpower and intelligence?

Nope. Nope. Annnddd...nope. They is tantamount to some random guy in some random book having written some random remark to make other random people—myself included—repeat what was randomly claimed, causing the entire process to be reiterated (then transferred) to many more people with confused-as-hell looks on their faces with lesser knowledge, simply to realise that the foolish, random phrase meant positively nothing, with its only purpose being to trick you into thinking you were totally clever for using it in the first place, when in all actuality, you weren't nor would you ever be...

Confusing?

Don't worry, it only gets worse.

Do you want to know my story?

No?

Well, why would you? Already, you're ten seconds in and have just read the worst run-on sentence of your life...

Nonetheless, I'm going to tell you anyway.

I would like to start this story off merrily. Maybe even with a hint of ecstasy. Who cares if there are awkward and insanely odd, uncomfortable ideas dancing in my vice-ridden head at the moment. I don't care. Not one bit. Uh-uh! Zilch! Zero! Nada!

Now, onto my story. My wonderful, engrossing tale loaded with gore and guts and all sorts of unmistakable horror. Honestly—this isn't pleasurable for me. I would much rather be at home trying to teach my Chocobo how to talk about how awesome I am. I get no satisfaction from telling you what must be known. Especially with the only company I had being comprised of myself and an alleged "man" who made me want to gnaw my own face off before performing a lobotomy on myself!

And to think—I thought everything was going so well! Then again, if everything was going well in my life, I probably just overlooked something. But alas, this is a dismal tale. One that is somber beyond all disheartenment, despite my jolly view on the world that is Spira.

Let me tell you, life is not all birds and butterflies or talking flowers and singing suns. There aren't friendly faces or even friendly family members. No, there are only mean, mean people who laugh at you because you are a joke! I didn't mean to fall! It wasn't as though plummeting into a cavernous hole was a pipe dream of mine—but people found it funny! Yeah, well.

It's all fun and games till somebody gets shot!

Or in this case, eaten to death by red ants or something.

So...I'm giving you a heads up...

WARNING: If you at all—or at any time—begin to feel nausea or downright revolted from the lack of intelligence, crazy Al Bhed teenagers, big saki jugs, awkward social behaviours, bikini tops that accidentally unhook themselves, whining equivalent to Tidus's annoying-ass voice, or even from the lack of plot that is implied at this precise moment, be mindful that there are NO exits in the vicinity. Bwhahaha. Okay? Okay.

Now, where shall I begin my lovely narrative? A story fraught with indecency, one that—I must say—is a heavy burden on such dainty shoulders. I've warned you that it ain't nice. No, this story is not a nice story.

This story is a Rikku-gets-beat-in-the-head story.

Or a Rikku-gets-annoyed-by-a-guy-who-never-takes-his-su nglasses-off story.

Or even a Rikku-considers-bashing-someone-with-a-spork-until -they-puke-out-glitter-and-free-tequila story.

So...yes. I am now attempting to give you a summary (a synopsis of sorts) to explain my idiotic ways further. However, to provide you with such a suspenseful and amusing anecdote, I must first create a catchy, memorable phrase to snatch you (the reader's) eye, so you won't feel compelled to leave me hanging out to dry. Let's see, I could start with, "Once upon a time in a faraway land, there lived a nettlesome beauty whose curiosity was much of a danger in and of itself. There was a thinly veiled analogy between her stupidity and low I.Q..."

Yeah. No.

I shan't be commencing this story like that. Not because I had to look in a thesaurus to find out what thinly or nettlesome meant, but because of the first four words introducing the sentence.

Once upon a time...

Quelle horreur.

Such evil, evil words. They spite me, I tell you! A weird sense of malignancy floats within those words. Why would anyone use them?

I mean, come on, do I actually look like the type of girl who would?

If you say yes, please go dance off a cliff and into a lake of flesh eating zombie-Chocobos, okay?

Because if you did know me, you would be cognisant of the fact that Rikku is sometimes melancholy. That Rikku is not always the blissfully ignorant Rikku she longs to be. Rikku would never advertise such cliched introductions that formally present themselves as the first four words in obnoxious fairy tales...for fairy tales usually culminate in happy endings and a wedding.

Rikku doesn't understand why she talks in the third person...perhaps because she is denied her normal attention seeking ways.

Or perhaps because her life is somewhat morbid and depressing.

Or perhaps it's because my epic adventure that I've yet to even put into words (damn my hyperactive behavioural disorder!) has utterly forced me into severe despondency, as it so happens to be the worst experience in my entire existence—right next to almost being murdered by a giant bubble slash turd slash an old guy unsurprisingly from (oh, plot twist spoiler!) Zanarkand who was a blitzball-playing guardian turned aeon-thing and ironically happened to be somehow related to lamebrain Tidus slash fish! Or, if you want to keep things simple (notice the sheer amount of narcissism it took for me to think anyone gave a crap about whether or not I dropped the title context into my sentence! Yay for intentional puns!), we can call it Sin. Bah, you can't hear me right now, but if you could, I'd be going hari-kari with a fancy salad fork.

I don't know, I'm starting to think I have a special case of ADD...

Ahhh—Getting. Off. Track.

Rewind.

And.

Pause.

So...

"They" say simplicity is the key to things that no one gives too Chocobo craps about—blah, blah, and blahhhh. I say this because...apparently...I'm not simple. Apparently, the likes of me, myself, and I is (are? damn pronouns) complex, complicated, and overly intricate to a point where one believes the way my brain operates is too much for normal civilisation to handle. I am so unmistakably un-simple, that I stroll like an imbecile into a snare that literally should have lights on it blinking: DEATHTRAP.

So...yes, some people believe me to be this way.

Some people being Auron.

Auron being a guy who wears sunglasses at night.

A guy who wears sunglasses at night being someone who severely must dislike human interaction or air.

I find the latter to be somewhat silly, considering the fact we would all be dead.

Gah...

He antagonises me incessantly. Take for example—his stupid questions. I hate when people ask stupid questions. Joking aside, what do you think of this little scenario?

"Rikku? Do you know where we are?" Auron asked, voice casual, eyebrows furrowed, and a scarily focused look staring down a calamitous trail in front of them. Rikku (hint: that's me) snarled in annoyance.

"Of course! Look! There's my favourite rock!" retorted Rikku, casting a cynical glance his way while pointing a finger at a random boulder nearby.

Auron, having the slightest hint of a smirk, simply resumed walking.

I'm sorry, but was he serious? Was that not a stupid question? He just makes me so—crazy! And you know what else? He judges people, and by people—I mean me! Dryd cdibet, vilgehk, tisso, sayh, lniam, cdibet, drehk!

He says I'm too difficult, too involved, even...too childish! He retains that earnest composure of his while still being able to label me impolitely un-simple. Well, who wants to be simple anyway? I don't want to be simple...

Rikku ain't no simpleton!

Read it and weep, you ignoramus!

Auron thinks of himself as this mighty soldier. Well, I know where he can stick his pretentiousness. Just because he can swing around swords equivalent to the body mass of a grown male all the while stylishly staring down at you with a hardened glare beneath tinted sunglasses does not merit praise from me. Not to mention that sake jug he carries with him.

...

What is that sake bottle for anyway? He never even drinks it. He only uses it when he wants to throwing a fucking conflagration at someone. It may be just an alcoholic beverage, but it is alive, I assure you...(and if he does drink it, shouldn't that break guardian labor-laws or something? Should he even be drinking on the job? I think not...)

Anyway, onto the story. I'll start from the beginning, interjecting every now and then just to make sure you aren't bored. You may even be bored now. Heck, I wouldn't blame you even if you felt that way. Just know, however, that it is a story that is somewhat terrifying, partially exciting, completely neurotic, and downright so traumatic that words can not describe the many emotions I experienced throughout the duration.

Are you ready?

No?

Poor—friggen—you.

Welcome to the world of Rikku...

Or as I like to call it:

Hell.

Enjoy.

At least to some extent.

Ok, I'll stop talking now.

A/N: EEEEK! A NEW STORY! THE HORROR! Anywho, I'm sure a lot of you weren't expecting a first chapter like this; to be genuine, I was not either. But, it won't be like this for the rest of the story - unless of course Rikku decides to barge in her thoughts and say something crude or vulgar in this POV. The real story chunk comes in the second chapter - which will be in 3rd person, which I have yet to write, unfortunately. But I assure you that it will be somewhat good - or at least as good as good can be. :D

I'm also sorry for how short it is, but I reeeeeeaaaallllyyyy wanted to get this up here! So, the next chapters will be much, much, much longer! I promise! :] I also wanted to dedicate this story to Liz! Or, by her FF username starry34! She is amazing! So, go read her stories! They're amazing!

So, yes! Please review! It would feel amazing if you did! If not, that's okay too! Hope you enjoy!

Updated: 9/1/13