So, mein lieblings, here it is! The fifth and final chapter of my very first fanfic. Thanks to anyone who's stuck with me for this long! I know the chapters are a bit long-winded, but my fingers seem to just keep on going of their own accord. Although there is still a lot of tinkering to be done throughout the whole story, one of the things I am happy about is the ending. Hopefully you will be too! And feel free to berate me in a review if you aren't, negative reviews help me become better.

Danke for all the reviews so far, and I hope you enjoy!

This broken watch is a comfort

It helps me sleep tonight

Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time

And I am here still waiting

Though I still have my doubts

I am damaged at best, but you've already figured that out

The broken locks were a warning

You got inside my head

I tried my best to be guarded; I'm an open book instead

And I still see your reflection

Inside of my eyes

That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holding on, barely holding on to you

The broken lights from the windows

Have left me here alone

I may have lost my way now

But haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing

With a broken heart that's still beating

In the pain there is healing

In your name I find meaning

So I'm holding on

Barely, but holding on to you

Harry hadn't seen Draco in longer than a month, and it was easily the longest and hardest of Harry's life. He barely thought of anything except what Blaise Zabini had told him. His stomach was in serious danger of rejecting whatever was in it whenever he thought about the suffering Draco had endured. He'd so far kept his promise to Zabini to let Draco talk to him first, but every day it got harder. He'd taken for granted having Draco in his life; not just the more intimate side of their relationship but also just having Draco to talk to and laugh with. No one had ever understood him like Draco did, not even Sirius. It had taken being separated from Draco for Harry to realize how much he had come to care for the other boy. It killed him a little bit inside every time he caught a glimpse of Draco's eyes across the room. Those mysterious, stormy eyes that had captured Harry so early on were now filled with a sadness the likes of which even Harry had never known. Every time he saw Draco it was all Harry could do not to kiss him and hold him and tell him everything would be alright. But he knew it would be a lie. Things could never be alright. Not for the boy the world left behind.

And I am here still waiting

Crack.

The loud noise snapped Harry out of the stupor he'd sunk while lying on the banks of the lake. He sat up quickly and looked around. He saw Draco standing meekly, half hidden behind a beach tree. Harry's mouth fell open at the sight of him. Draco had clearly been just as sleep deprived as Harry had these last few weeks. He had dark circles under his eyes and he looked skinnier than Harry remembered.

Draco smiled tentatively. "Hi," he whispered.

"How long have you been standing there?"

Draco shrugged. "Only a few minutes. You looked so peaceful, I didn't want to wake you."

Harry shook his head. "I wasn't sleeping. Just … thinking."

Draco nodded slowly.

"Are you going to sit down?" Harry asked.

"Oh."

Draco looked slightly flustered, but made his way to the patch of grass beside Harry. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Draco absentmindedly played with a piece of grass, and Harry madly racked his brain for something to say. There were a million things he wanted to say and nothing that seemed right. He wanted to hug Draco and tell him how much he'd missed him. He wanted to yell at Draco for causing him so much pain. And most of all he desperately wanted to tell Draco what Zabini had told him, but he knew he couldn't.

"I've been really worried about you," he finally said.

Draco nodded. "I know. I'm sorry," he whispered. "I didn't mean to … I mean, I was just … I don't know what I mean," he finished lamely. "I just think that this is all too much for me right now. I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm so sorry."

Harry stared. "Are you … breaking up with me?"

Draco swallowed. "I don't want to do this, but I don't see what other choice I have. We can't continue this Harry. This is wrong."

"What's wrong?"

"This," Draco gestured between them. "Us."

"What do you mean?"

"This was never meant to work, Harry, you can't deny that. We've gone much too far already. So I'm ending it before either of us gets any more hurt then we already are," Draco said in a rush.

Harry moved an inch closer and put his hand over Draco's. "I don't want to lose you, and I know deep down you don't want that either. So why does the rest matter?"

"Because it does," Draco whispered, deliberately not meeting Harry's gaze. "Maybe under different circumstances we could've worked things out, but the point is we can't. I can't. I'm sorry I flipped out before. I didn't mean to scare you, or worry you, and I'm sorry if I did. But I'm going through some things right now in my life that are hard enough to deal with without all this. I can't handle us anymore, I really can't."

Harry sighed. "I know."

"You know what?"

"I know what you're going through," Harry said slowly. "I know about everything, Draco. About that guy, and what he did to you, and –"

"What are you talking about?!" Draco cut him off, his eyes wide and horrified.

"I know what happened to you when you were ten. What your parents' friend did to you. And Draco, I can't even imagine –"

"How do you know that?" Draco said in a dangerously quiet voice.

"Blaise Zabini told me," Harry explained apologetically. "Your parents told him. Please don't be mad at him, Draco, he only told me because he knew you wouldn't and it's something I needed to know."

"Why?" Draco said angrily. "Why is that something you needed to know? Why do you think that my personal life is any of your fucking business, Potter?"

"Why?" Harry asked incredulously. "Why? Because I'm dating you, Draco! You can't just close yourself up, never telling anybody anything about you and then expect that you're not going to get hurt again! I feel like the worst person in the world for being the one to make you freak out like that, and that never would've happened if you'd just told me!"

Draco mouthed some words Harry couldn't make out, as if looking for the right ones to actually use. "Why should I tell you?!" he shouted after a moment. "I don't owe it to you! It was seven years ago, it's my past, and I should be able to choose to tell whoever I want without Harry fucking Potter getting mad at me!"

"Draco, I'm not mad at you, I just want to know why you didn't tell me!" Harry pleaded. "Did you think that I wouldn't understand? That I'd treat you differently?"

"Nobody understands!" Draco exploded.

"Of course they don't! How can you expect them to?" Harry cried. "No one will ever be able to fully understand all that you've been through because of this, but if you just give me a chance, I'll try. I want to try to help you."

"I don't need help," Draco whispered, his voice wavering and his eyes red. "Not from you or anybody else. I haven't had any help all these years and I've been just fine."

"You are not just fine!" Harry exclaimed. "Are you worried that I'll think you're weak? Because you aren't. You are one of the strongest, bravest people I've ever met. But even the strongest people in the world need a shoulder to cry on once in a while. Well I'm here. I …" Harry felt his voice break and took a deep breath. "Look, if you really think that breaking up will make this easier on you then I won't try to stop you from leaving right now. But think about what you're giving up. You said it yourself – I understand you. And you understand me! I know it will never be easy, but we'll work through this together. Do you really think that what you need right now is to be alone?"

Draco mouthed wordlessly again. "I'll always be alone," he choked out finally. "You can't change that."

"Let me try," Harry pleaded softly. He moved forward slowly and wrapped his arms around Draco. "Talk to me, let me in on what's going on."

"I just … I was so scared," Draco whispered shakily into Harry's neck, "When I looked up and saw you sitting over me like that. It was exactly how he looked before he did it. I just saw his face all of a sudden. This horrible face that's haunted me for seven years, and there it was again, just when I thought I could finally be happy. I was sick with myself. I thought I was over this! I've dealt with this for seven years and I've been fine. I'd accepted that there was nothing I could do about it, and that I needed to move on."

"You need to stop being so hard on yourself," Harry said.

"I can't even get past this stupid thing that happened so long ago," Draco said, shaking his head. "This is all so messed up. Are you sure you want to get yourself all wrapped up in something so complicated?"

"Draco, my life without you was just as complicated," Harry said truthfully. "The only difference when I'm with you is that I'm happier than I've ever been. I don't want to lose that, and I know you don't either."

"I'm sorry I ruined that night for us," Draco whispered.

Harry shook his head. "I'm not. It was much too fast anyway."

Draco nodded slowly. "I put up a tough front, you know, no one else really knows what's underneath. Everyone has this false image of me and you're the only one who knows the truth."

"Don't you ever get tired of pretending?" Harry asked.

"Every day," Draco said resentfully. "But if there's anything my father actually taught me it's that a Malfoy is always calm and collected on the outside, no matter what's happening underneath. I can't let people find out about the person I really am because that person isn't good enough."

"Isn't good enough for who?"

"For anyone. For my family, especially my father. For my friends."

Harry pulled Draco closer. "It's good enough for me," he said quietly into Draco's neck. He sucked gently on a spot for a moment, then blew on it lightly. Draco sighed and stroked Harry's leg slowly, teasingly brushing back and forth from Harry's abdomen to his upper thigh. Draco's fingers teased the top of Harry's jeans before slipping his hand under the fabric. Harry smiled happily.

"Stop it," he whispered, pushing Draco's hand away.

"Why? You know you want it," Draco whispered back seductively.

Harry laughed quietly. "Yeah I do, that's the problem. With you practically in my pants I'm going to get hard and then where will we be."

"I'm already hard …" Draco licked Harry's ear tantalizingly. "I want you so much."

"Two minutes ago you were telling me how scary it was the last time we tried this." Harry poked Draco playfully in the ribs. "Now all of a sudden you 'want me'?"

"Mmm, you bet I do," Draco purred, his hands roaming underneath Harry's t-shirt. "I want to take your whole throbbing length in my hot, wet mouth and roll my tongue around it until you –"

"Stop it!" Harry groaned. "We can't do this and you know it."

Draco smiled wickedly and rolled on top of Harry slowly. Harry's felt the front of his jeans tighten as Draco's lips touched his neck and his breath hitch as Draco's thigh rubbed against the crotch of Harry's pants. Draco rocked slowly back and forth, kissing Harry deeply and grinding the bump in his pants into Harry's.

Harry shuddered. "Well now I'm hard," he moaned. "What are you doing to me?"

Harry rolled Draco over and sat up reluctantly.

"Fine," Draco pouted. "I guess I'll just have to go back to my room and get rid of this hard on myself. I'll go lie on my bed, naked and so hard, then I'll picture your lips on me and start stroking myself –"

"Seriously, stop!" Harry protested. "I'm trying to not to jump on you, remember? That is the last thing I need to picture right now!"

Draco laughed. "Why? It gets you hot, doesn't it, picturing me beating off while thinking about you. "

Harry nodded. "You have no idea."

"I have some idea," Draco said mischievously.

Harry laughed. "I'll bet you do."

"Can I help it if I'm horny and you're hot?" Draco said, taking mock offense.

Harry smiled. "No, I guess not."

Draco kissed the tip of Harry's nose playfully and then rested his forehead against Harry's. "Just because we don't want to go all the way doesn't mean we can't do other stuff …" he whispered, his voice enticing.

Harry looked up. "Really? It won't freak you out?"

"I don't know for sure," Draco answered slowly. "But I want to try. Look how hard I am for you. I want this."

"You know I'll stop in a second if you say so, don't you?"

Draco nodded. "I know. I trust you. My room?"

Harry smiled. "Sure."

And I still see your reflection

Inside of my eyes

Draco kissed Harry, softly at first and then faster, with mounting passion as their tongues swirled around each other. Draco tasted good; sweet and salty and so good. Draco dragged his hand slowly down Harry's chest, stopping to press down on Harry's erection through increasingly tight material. Harry groaned softly, feeling it vibrate in his chest. Harry felt Draco smile against his lips.

"Do you want me to touch you, Harry Potter?" Draco whispered.

Harry's breath hitched at the sound of his name said like that. "Yes," he barely whispered back.

"What do you want?" Draco teased, pressing harder

"Oh," Harry breathed, his stomach tightening at the pressure.

"Tell me what you want," Draco murmured, now rubbing Harry slowly.

Harry couldn't breathe. "Clothes off …" he muttered, ripping at his own clothes and then Draco's, half expecting to wake up and find this was all a wonderful dream. "You're not afraid you won't measure up, are you?" Harry joked, to cover up the uncomfortable feeling that had crept up in his chest.

Draco managed to sneer through a deep blush. "You wish, Potter. I have nothing to be afraid of. It's you I feel sorry for."

Harry laughed. "There's the Draco Malfoy I know. So should we do it together?"

"I guess."

Harry pulled his boxers down slowly and watched Draco do the same. They took in the sight of each other with lust filled eyes for only a moment, before reattaching their lips, hands roaming wildly.

"Like … what you … saw, Potter?" Draco asked between kisses.

"Hell … yes …" Harry answered, surprised at the kind of animal ferocity that had risen in his chest. "You?"

"Just wait … until the school … finds … out that their precious … Harry Potter … is hu –"

"What?" Harry pulled away suddenly. "You wouldn't actually tell anyone that, would you?"

Draco laughed. "Of course not, I was kidding! Now get back here." Draco pulled Harry back and kissed him deeply.

Harry smiled against Draco mouth. When Draco wriggled closer and their cocks touched, skin on skin for the first time, Harry felt rather then heard a moan vibrate between them. Draco's legs were entangled in Harry's. Draco rocked ever so slightly with the rhythm of their kiss their erections rubbed together creating incredible friction. Both boys gasped in unison.

"Fuck, Harry," Draco breathed, panting as if he'd run a mile.

"Say my name again," Harry asked softly.

Draco smiled. "Harry Potter," he whispered seductively.

Harry felt his cock twitch and his stomach jump. They kissed deeply and passionately, hand's stroking each other's erections with mounting speed and excitement. Harry's ears heard noises of ecstasy but his brain had no idea who had made them. All he knew was that he'd never felt anything as amazing as Draco's hand, touching and caressing all those forbidden places.

"Come for me …" Draco whispered, locking his lust-filled eyes onto Harry's.

And with one final stroke Harry did, never once taking his eyes off Draco's, and the feeling of something wet and hot on his stomach letting him know Draco had too.

Draco smiled shyly and kissed him softly, muttering what Harry recognized as a wandless cleaning spell out of the side of his mouth and pulling Harry into his arms.

"So?" Harry asked quietly.

"Perfect," Draco whispered.

"Not scary?"

Draco paused. "Yeah, a little … but I really do trust you."

Harry smiled and kissed his forehead. "Good. You should."

"What about you? Better than Ginny?"

Harry laughed. "Always have to be the best, don't you? Yes it was better, if you really need that for your scorebook. A hundred times."

"Did it feel weird to be doing it with a guy?"

Harry considered him for a moment. "No. I kind of thought it would, but it didn't. It felt …"

"Right," Draco finished.

Harry sighed blissfully. It would be a lie to say that his life was perfect, far from it in fact. But being with Draco was like a rainbow after a hurricane; being with him was a small glimpse of how beautiful life had the potential to be. Every day with Draco was happy, something Harry never thought he'd be able to say.

Harry stared happily into Draco's incredibly captivating eyes. Harry was once again amazed at how beautiful the person in front of him was. "So should we …?"

Draco shook his head. "Let's stay here for a while. I … I've missed you."

"You did?"

Draco's mouth curved into a shy smile. "Yeah. Guess I just got used to having you around."

Harry smiled back. "I missed you too. But what if someone finds us?"

Draco leaned his head onto Harry's chest. "Let them."

I tried my best to be guarded; I'm an open book instead

Harry arrived back at the Gryffindor common room late that night. He couldn't stop smiling the whole way back, and every breath of fresh air filled him with a kind of exhilaration he had never felt from something an inconsequential as air.

"Where were you?" a familiar voice said quietly, the minute Harry climbed through the portrait hole.

Harry squinted through the darkness at a figure in front of the fire. "Ron?" he asked tentatively.

"You were with him, weren't you." It wasn't a question. Ron knew.

Harry sighed. "Yeah I was," he admitted, moving cautiously closer. Harry couldn't decide why Ron wanted to know. Ron didn't really sound mad, but he also didn't sound very happy. There was a tone in his voice that Harry recognized but couldn't quite place. Was it … hurt?

"You can sit down," Ron said after a moment, glancing at Harry quickly with a wounded look in his eyes.

Harry sat, unsure of what to say. They both stared into the slowly dying fire for a few minutes, its pops and crackles breaking the empty silence that hung in the air between them.

"Are you still mad at me?" Harry asked timidly.

Ron nodded, without switching his focus from the fireplace.

"… Ok," Harry muttered. "Well I'll be off to bed then …"

"No, I didn't mean I didn't want to talk to you or anything," Ron said quickly.

Harry sat back down slowly. Neither boy said anything for another few minutes.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry," Harry said quietly.

Ron looked up. "For what?"

"For … well I'm not exactly sure what for," Harry smiled in spite of himself. "I guess I'm sorry that you're mad at me."

Ron nodded slowly and stared at his hands. "I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know I hurt you and I feel bad about that. I know you didn't choose to be this way … and I don't really think you did stuff to me in my sleep," he added, wincing apologetically. "I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it."

"So then what are you mad about?" Harry asked.

"Lots of things," Ron said softly. "I'm mad that you're with Malfoy."

"Why?"

"Because I hate him!" Ron exclaimed. "And you used to hate him too, and I don't understand why you don't anymore! I don't understand how you can just switch from hating someone's guts to shagging them! And I'm mad that you don't hate him anymore, because I don't think he deserves you. I'm mad that you're spending time with him instead of me. And I'm mad that you didn't tell me right away when you started seeing him."

Harry's jaw dropped. He couldn't believe the injustice of that statement. "I – that is so unfair."

"How so? I tell you everything," Ron pointed out almost casually, as though he were being entirely reasonable.

"Bullshit. You do not tell me everything," Harry retorted.

"What haven't I told you?" Ron demanded indignantly.

"Oh I don't know. How about the fact that you've been totally nuts about Hermione for six years?" Harry asked sarcastically.

The flush in Ron's cheeks spread quickly down his neck. "I … I have not …" he declared unconvincingly.

"Please, you're a terrible liar. You always have been," Harry said coldly. "Why were you so mad when you thought she liked me if you didn't like her yourself? Anyway the point is, the only reason I'm not spending time with you is because you weren't speaking to me! And I didn't tell you because I was worried you'd get mad and wouldn't understand. And I was right, wasn't I?"

"Yeah, you were right. I am mad, and I don't understand!" Ron exploded, jumping up. "I don't understand how this all happened, I mean all our lives we liked girls and now all of a sudden you just change your mind?"

"Yeah, I did. But why does it even matter?" Harry cried. "I don't see how that affects you in any way."

"It affects me because I'm your friend!" Ron yelled back. "It's like, the whole time we've known each other we've always been mostly the same. We liked the same things, we did the same things. We moved at the same pace. And now all of a sudden you're speeding off in some new direction and you've left me behind. You're making all these changes, and not only did you not tell me, but you're leaving me out of them."

Harry was shocked, but in a big way relieved. Everything clicked into place the moment the words left Ron's mouth. He finally knew exactly what Ron was feeling; he knew why Ron was so upset. "That's what you think? That I'm deliberately changing things to block you out?"

"Well, what conclusions would you come to under the circumstances?" Ron snapped, beginning to pace in a circle. "You did make a whole bunch of changes, and you did leave me out of them! Why? No, you know what? I don't care why. What I want to know is how the hell did you end up with Malfoy?! I mean yeah, he's a good enough looking guy and all, but I didn't think he was hot enough to turn someone gay."

"He didn't turn me gay, Ron," Harry said quietly.

Ron stopped pacing suddenly. "Do you love him?"

"I …" Harry's voice faltered. "Yeah," he whispered after a moment, his heart suddenly racing as he admitted it out loud for the first time. "Yeah, I do."

Ron's face fell. "You do?"

Harry nodded. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to, but I didn't know how you were going to react, and I didn't want to lose you. You mean too much to me."

"Do I mean more to you than him?"

Harry sighed. "Please don't do this."

Ron shook his head. "No, I'm gonna. I don't even know who you are anymore. The Harry I knew would never pick Draco Malfoy over his best friend."

"I'm not picking him over you, Ron –"

"Then answer the question. Who means more to you? I want to know."

"How can I answer that?" Harry objected. "You're important to me in a completely different way than he is. You're my best friend and he's … well …" Harry trailed off.

"Your lover?" Ron suggested obnoxiously.

Harry glared at Ron. "No, not my lover." You prick, he didn't need to add.

"Then what is he?" Ron snapped.

Harry stood up, finally having had enough. "What the hell do you think? I told you I loved him, didn't I? Or is your head so filled up with your own shit that you can't hear anymore?"

"So then what is he?" Ron persisted.

"I don't have to waste my time explaining myself to someone who doesn't want anything to do with me anyway!" Harry yelled. "If you were really my friend you'd accept my decision even if you didn't understand it. And if you were really my friend you wouldn't make me choose between you!"

"Well if you were really my friend you'd realize that this is hard for me!" Ron shouted back.

Harry stared. "What?"

"I'm trying to understand all this, I really am, but it's hard," Ron said in a defeated voice. "I don't understand why you've made this decision, but I am trying to."

Harry smiled weakly. "Hermione yelled at you, didn't she?"

Ron laughed quietly. "Yeah, she did."

Harry shook his head. "Sorry about that, mate. I asked her not to, I really did. What did she say?"

"A series of very shrill things, mostly revolving around that this was hard enough for you without me making it worse. And that you need me to be your friend right now."

"She's right, you know. I do need you to be my friend. This is a decision I've already made, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it, but it would mean a lot to me if you could find some way to be ok with it," Harry said softly.

Ron nodded slowly. "I … it won't be easy for me, you need to understand that. But if it really means that much to you then I'll try."

Harry smiled. "Thanks."

"Hold on a moment, you're not off the hook quite yet," Ron said, his eyes narrowing dangerously again.

Harry looked at him, confused. "What?"

"We need to talk about Hermione," Ron said coolly. "You never denied it when I accused you of being in love with her, did you? Fine, I admit it, I'm crazy about her. You know I am. And I want to know what there is between you two."

"There isn't anything but friendship between us. I've never gone for her, Ron, I wasn't lying to you when I said that," Harry said quietly. "But I'm not going to lie to you now and say I don't love her."

Ron looked crestfallen. "You do?"

"Of course I do," Harry said simply. "How could I not after all she's done for me? Taking time out of her life to help me with homework. All the times she's saved my life, all the times she's gotten me out of trouble. Remember when she had McGonagall check my firebolt for jinxes before I rode it?"

"That doesn't count, we were furious with her for that!" Ron snapped.

"That's the point. She wanted to protect me no matter how angry it made me. She was willing to risk losing the only friends she had just to make sure I was safe. I never, ever forgot that. And all the times we've faced Voldemort, all the times she's risked her life for me."

"I was there for all those things too!" Ron cried indignantly.

"I know you were, but it's different for you. Not that I don't appreciate you being there," Harry said quickly as Ron's eyes narrowed again, "But it is different for you, and don't look at me like that, you know it is. You're from a Wizarding family. Your parents and brothers are in the Order and your whole family is close with Dumbledore. I'd be willing to bet you'd be out there fighting Voldemort even if you and I never met. Because you were born into the fight against him, you were born with hate for him in your blood. She wasn't. She could just as easily have walked away, from me and from him, and led a happy and peaceful life without all of this. I wouldn't have blamed her if she did. Hell, I probably would have if I were her. But she didn't. And she won't."

"Fine, fine, I get it. She's wonderful," Ron said impatiently. "What's your point?"

Harry sighed. "The point is how could I not love her after all that? Of course I do. And I probably always will. But I'm not in love with her, and I'm never going to go for her."

Ron stared at Harry for a few moments, maybe trying to decide whether Harry was being sincere or not. "You're not?" he said after a minute.

Harry smiled to himself at the hopefulness in Ron's voice. "Of course not. She's yours, Ron, she's always been yours. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Ron nodded thoughtfully. "We're always going to be friends, aren't we?"

Harry laughed out loud at the grimace on Ron's face. "I'm afraid so," he said bracingly. "Looks like you're stuck with me."

Ron smiled in spite of himself. "That's ok, I guess. I don't mind you so much, really."

Harry punched him lightly on the arm. "Promise me something, though, will you?" he asked slowly. "I know I'm famous and all, and if things keep going the way they've been going, I'm going to be famous for the rest of our lives. If it's any consolation I don't want to be. But I want you to promise me that whatever happens, you'll never let anyone make you feel like you're not good enough. Even me."

Ron blushed, but nodded slowly. "You got it."

I may have lost my way now

But haven't forgotten my way home

Harry and Hermione were sprawled out under the shade of a tree in the grounds, chatting casually, having just given up studying. She was saying something about the Herbology final, but Harry hadn't been listening. Instead he thought about how everything in his life seemed to have fallen into place, and how he owed most of it to her. He studied the girl in front of him for a moment. For reasons he couldn't explain it was as if he was seeing her for the first time. Her pretty smile, her warm brown eyes, her honey colored hair falling gently in curls around her face. It was as if he'd spent seven years looking right at her, but had never really looked at her.

"When did you get so beautiful?" he asked thoughtfully, before he could stop himself.

Hermione looked up in surprise. She stared at Harry with slightly squinted eyes and what looked like several emotions playing across her face. "Please don't do this, Harry," she said after a moment, sounding exhausted.

Harry was confused. "Don't do what?"

"Look, I know you're still mad at Ron," she continued quietly. "And I know you probably think the best way to get back at him is to do exactly what he thinks we already are. And believe me, he doesn't deserve any better. But this is wrong."

"No, no, I didn't mean that," Harry said quickly. "I just meant … well I'm not exactly sure what I meant. Why did nothing ever happen with us?"

Hermione smiled and shook her head. "I have no idea. I've wondered that before too. There are a hundred reasons why you're perfect for me. But maybe that's why nothing happened. We're too perfect."

"Meaning what?"

"What do you feel when you look at Draco?" Hermione asked slowly.

Harry stared at her, bewildered. "I … I don't know. It's always different."

"Exactly. It's always new, always exciting, isn't it?" Hermione asked.

"Yeah, I guess so."

Hermione didn't say anything for a few moments. She stared out over the lake, her expression pensive. When she did speak, it was with the delicacy of a person trying to protect someone else's feelings. "You and me … not to say it's not exciting. But it's a different kind of exciting. When you look at someone you have those kinds of feelings for it makes you feel awkward and scared and thrilled all at the same time."

Harry nodded. "I know what you mean."

"Do you … do you feel that when you look at me?"

Harry studied her again. She was no less than the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen, and probably ever would see. And yet, he couldn't believe all he could say was "No."

Hermione looked apologetically relieved. "Me neither. I mean, not that you aren't –"

"I know," Harry cut her off. "You too. You are."

She flushed, but smiled. "I look at you and I see … familiarity. It's comfortable, it's easy; being with you. Our relationship is uncomplicated. I look at you and I feel at home. And I think a relationship needs to be difficult sometimes. It needs to be uncomfortable, it needs to push you to new limits. A long time ago I stopped believing in the notion that I'd just meet someone and fall in love and it would be perfect. Because I don't think I want it to be perfect."

"Do you want Ron?" Harry asked carefully.

Hermione opened her mouth slightly, a snappy retort clearly stuck in her throat, but then sighed and stared helplessly across the lake. "I don't know. Maybe," she said in a small voice.

"Then forgive him."

Hermione's eyes filled with tears. "I can't."

"Why not?" Harry insisted. "I do."

Hermione looked at him sharply. "You do?"

"We talked last night," Harry told her. "Well, we yelled for a bit first, and then we talked. He told me he's been acting like he has because he felt like I was pushing him out of my life, like I was leaving him behind. I know he hasn't been a good friend lately, but I understand where's he's coming from, I really do. I'm sure I would feel the same way if he'd kept something this big from me. And I know he's sorry."

For a second Harry thought she hadn't heard him. She stared anxiously across the grounds, and Harry followed her eye line to a tall figure with shockingly orange hair heading strait for them.

"I have to go," Hermione said stonily, quickly gathering her things together.

"No, Hermione, don't do this," Harry pleaded. "Just talk to him."

"I won't," Hermione said flatly, standing up and heaving her large bag over her shoulder. "I don't want to see him."

"You realize how much worse it'll make things when he sees you leaving," Harry pointed out, but she was already gone. Harry sighed hopelessly, wondering what on earth he was going to say to Ron.

"That was Hermione, wasn't it?" Ron asked as he approached.

Harry nodded miserably, collecting his books. "Sorry, mate. I've tried to get her to talk to you."

Ron sighed. "I don't know what to do."

"Me neither," Harry said, standing up and brushing the grass from his open robes. "But I have to go, I'm going to Hogsmeade with Draco and here he comes."

He nodded in the direction of the castle where Draco was making his way toward them, his face flushing as he noticed Ron.

"Hi," Draco said uncertainly as he reached them.

Ron simply nodded stiffly.

"Ron, this is Draco Malfoy," Harry said slowly.

Ron stared at Harry, confused. "We already know each other, mate," he said slowly, his brow furrowed.

Harry shook his head. "No, you don't. You know a version of each other based on reputations and what you can see on the outside, but you don't know the real person. I don't need you to be best friends, but I do need you to give each other a second chance. Please, for me."

Ron and Draco eyed each other warily, but after a moment Ron extended his hand grudgingly, and Draco took it.

"Ron Weasley," Ron said, shaking Draco's hand reluctantly but firmly.

"Pleasure," Draco responded, with the air of someone forcing themselves not to laugh.

"Thank you," Harry said smiling, as the boys pulled away. "Ready to go, Draco?"

Draco nodded.

"Ok, you go, I'll be right there," Harry said, watching Draco start to walk away. "Thanks Ron, really. That meant a lot to me."

Ron rolled his eyes. "Don't think this means we're going to start trading Chocolate Frog cards or anything."

Harry laughed. "I know. But it's still important to me that you're going to try."

In the pain there is healing

Harry was in a large dark room. He looked around curiously. A beam of light told him that a door stood slightly ajar at the end of the room. He moved slowly toward it, very confused and for some reason his head felt slightly numb. He pushed the door open wider and peered inside, his body freezing at what he saw. Draco was hanging in the air as if invisible ropes were tied under his arms. He had been gagged, and his eyes were wide and terrified.

"Draco!" Harry cried. "What the hell –" Harry stopped short. A tall, hooded figure came slowly out of the shadows at the back of the room.

"It would be in the best interests of you and your friend here that you don't make any sudden movements, Harry Potter," a soft voice whispered.

"Who are you?" Harry heard himself say, his voice wavering.

"You know who I am," the figured answered. "And you know what I want."

"Where are we?"

"It doesn't matter where we are," the figured said slowly, moving around to stand behind Draco. "But what I want is very important indeed. It is the same thing I have wanted for years now. Seventeen years to be exact."

"What the hell is going on? What are you talking about?" Harry asked, his whole body shaking in fear.

"I've told you, Harry, you know what I want. The whole Wizarding world knows what I want," the voice hissed. "I want you."

Harry froze. He felt around for his wand, but found in a panic that it was not there. There was something familiar about that voice. Something familiar about that whispering and hissing, so much like some kind of snake … Voldemort, Harry realized with a jolt. That was Voldemort!

"What do you want from me?!" he yelled, backing into the wall. "Where the hell are we and what does any of this have to do with Draco?"

Voldemort laughed his high, cold laugh, sending shivers down Harry's neck. "I don't want anything from you, boy! I just want you! I want you over with and out of the way! Young Mr. Malfoy has been a very naughty little servant hasn't he, fraternizing with the enemy. Lord Voldemort usually punishes very severely for crimes of this nature, however in this case I so compassionately chose to see it as an advantage in my favor."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harry spat.

"You care a great deal for the boy whose life so opportunely happens to be at my disposure," Voldemort said silkily. "We are both men who know what we want, aren't we Harry Potter? I want you out of my way, and you, well you would like Mr. Malfoy to leave this place on his own two feet instead of in a body bag. The way I see it there is a very simple way for us to both to get what we want."

Voldemort pulled out his wand swiftly and aimed it at Draco's head. "So Mr. Potter, as gracious as Lord Voldemort always is, I offer you a choice. You can surrender yourself to me, or you can have the job of explaining to Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy exactly why their son is no longer with us."

"What … what …" Harry spluttered, in shock. "No, no don't hurt him!"

"Well, well, Mr. Potter. Going to courteously step aside and save your friend? Very noble of you, Harry, very noble indeed. Your parents would have been proud. As you wish then," Voldemort pointed his wand directly at Harry instead. "I must admit you have been a worthy adversary, Harry Potter. I almost regret having to kill you; it has been fun, hasn't it?"

"NO!" Harry shouted.

"You would rather I kill Mr. Malfoy?"

"No!" Harry yelled again, his feet frozen to the floor.

Voldemort took a step toward Harry. "You must choose, Harry. One of you is going to die here tonight, and I do not have all night for you to contemplate your decision. So do choose quickly."

"I … I …"

"Oh come now, Harry, this is not nearly as difficult as you're making it. It boils down to this: whose life do you value more? Yours," Voldemort gestured towards Harry with his wand, "or his?" Voldemort swung his wand back towards Draco's terrified face.

"I can't … I don't …" Fear had taken over Harry's brain and had stripped him of the ability to form coherent sentences.

"Time is running out Harry," Voldemort hissed. "Keep in mind I will have no problem doing away with both of you if it comes to that."

"No, please, there has to be another way –"

"There is no other way, Potter, have I not made that clear?" Voldemort yelled, losing his temper at last. "There will only be two of us leaving this room tonight, and one of them is going to be me. I have very generously given you the choice of who the second will be, however my patience wears thin, and it will not be much longer until I stop being so kind. Now decide!"

Harry mouthed wordlessly, his heart pounding audibly in his chest.

"Fine, if you will not decide then I will do it for you!" Voldemort spat.

Harry heard himself cry out as a flash of green light blinded him.

He sat up quickly, shaking uncontrollably and drenched in a cold sweat.

"Draco!!" Harry screamed, looking around, terrified. "Draco!!"

Harry heard stirring around him.

"Harry?" Ron said dazedly. "Harry what's wrong?"

"Where's Draco?!" Harry shouted hysterically, tearing his sheets off and jumping up.

"Draco?" Dean asked. "You mean Malfoy?"

"Yes, Malfoy!!" Harry yelled. "Where is he?!"

"He's not here, mate," Ron said, groggily. "What's wrong?"

Harry didn't answer. He tore out of the dormitory, barely aware of the fact that he wasn't wearing a shirt. He sprinted out of the common room and ran headfirst into Snape.

"POTTER!" Snape stormed. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Draco's dying!!" Harry shouted, picking himself up off the floor and running down the hall toward the Slytherin common room, leaving Snape on the ground, yelling after him.

He reached the dungeons breathlessly, his heart and mind racing, and pounded on the portrait of the snake. "Draco!" he shouted. "Somebody help me! Draco Malfoy is dead, somebody help me!"

The portrait swung open suddenly, knocking Harry to the floor.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" a student Harry didn't recognize yelled. "It's four in the morning!"

Harry ignored the boy and pushed pass him, racing up to Draco's room. "Draco!" he yelled, bursting into the room.

Draco rolled over in bed and stared at Harry, confused. "Harry?" he asked, squinting through the darkness. "Harry, what's wrong?"

"You … you're not dead …" Harry breathed, his stomach unclenching.

Draco's brow furrowed. "No, I'm not," he said slowly, standing up. "Harry what's the matter with you? What are you doing here?"

"You're not dead!" Harry whispered, collapsing on the floor in relief. "You're not dead."

"Harry!" Draco cried, dropping to his knees beside Harry. "Harry, what's going on?!"

Harry stared up happily into Draco's worried eyes. "You were there, and he asked me to choose whether I wanted him to kill me or you, and I didn't pick, so he did the killing curse but I couldn't see who he killed, but I woke up so I knew it wasn't me, so it must've been you, and I ran all the way over here, but you're ok! You're not dead."

Draco's mouth was slightly open. "Harry, I have no idea what you're talking about. You were where? And who did the killing curse?"

"Voldemort," Harry breathed, finally catching his breath.

Draco's eyes widened. "The Dark Lord? Where?! What are you talking about?"

Harry sat up. "I woke up and I thought you were dead."

"Oh." Draco looked confused. "You mean it was a dream?"

"I … I …" Harry spluttered, the truth dawning on him at last. "Yeah … yeah I guess it was. I never thought of that."

"What the hell?" Draco punched Harry on the arm. "You scared me to death! What is the matter with you?!"

"I … I ..." Harry muttered, feeling his face growing hot, "I just … thought it was real. Sorry for waking you up, I'll go now." He got up quickly, his eyes stinging with embarrassment.

"No, wait, don't go," Draco pulled Harry back. "I'm sorry. Stay with me for a while."

Harry's face was still burning, but he let himself be led into Draco's bed. Draco layed down on his back and motioned for Harry to join him, which Harry did a bit too eagerly. He rested his head on Draco's smooth chest and allowed himself to be wrapped in the safe, comforting heat of Draco's arms.

"People are going to start talking if they see both of us come out of your room tomorrow morning," Harry said weakly.

"So we'll let them talk," Draco murmured, stroking Harry's arm lovingly. He kissed Harry's forehead softly. "Or we'll stay here forever.

I am damaged at best, but you've already figured that out

Harry hurried down the stairs from his dormitory and into the common room, late as usual for his meeting with Draco. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Ron walking slowly to the table were Hermione sat, stubbornly pretending she hadn't seen him. Harry fought with himself for a few moments, torn between getting to the Astronomy Tower before Draco gave up and left, and staying to listen in. Harry ducked down behind a chair, sure neither Ron nor Hermione had seen him, and let his curiosity win over his better judgment.

"Can I sit down?" Ron asked tentatively.

"I suppose," Hermione said stiffly, not taking her eyes off her notes.

They sat in silence for a few moments. With all his might Harry fought the urge to jump up and tell them both how stupid they were being. Instead he listened, with baited breath, as Ron finally spoke.

"Harry and I made up."

"I know," Hermione said shortly.

Ron looked around helplessly. "Look, I made a mistake. I admit that. I would take it back if I could, but I can't. So tell me what I have to do to make it right."

"I … I don't know," Hermione answered, still not looking at him.

"Whatever it is, I'll do it," Ron said, putting his hand over Hermione's. "You know that, don't you?"

Hermione nodded. "I just need some time, ok? It will take me some time to forgive you."

Ron took his hand off Hermione's. "What am I supposed to do until then?"

Hermione looked at him thoughtfully. "Do you really love me?" she asked, smiling a little.

Ron smiled widely, and brushed some hair out of her eyes softly. "I always have."

"Then be patient, ok?"

"That's not one of my better qualities, you know."

Hermione laughed. "I know, believe me."

Harry didn't think he could contain himself much longer. His insides tingled with glee, and he thought he might be in danger of bursting with happiness. He snuck quietly out of the common room, the beautiful sound of Hermione laughing following him down the hall.

With a broken heart that's still beating

"Sorry I'm late," Harry said absentmindedly as he rushed into the Astronomy Tower almost a half and hour after he'd agreed to meet Draco. "You'll never guess what just hap –"

Harry stopped short, momentarily unable to speak as he took in the sight of Draco. The other boy look like he'd just been through some kind of tornado – his clothes were ripped, his hair was everywhere, and Harry recoiled as he saw that Draco's face and arms were covered in bruises and nasty looking gashes, some of them still bleeding.

"What the hell happened to you?" he cried, rushing over to Draco.

Draco didn't answer, his expression stony and unreadable.

"Draco, did something attack you?" Harry asked.

Draco pressed his lips together, obviously holding something back.

"Draco, seriously!" Harry said urgently. "We have to get you to the hospital wing, some of these cuts look pretty bad."

Draco shook his head wordlessly.

"Why not?" Harry asked desperately. "Draco, please say something. You're scaring me."

"I don't want to go to the hospital wing," Draco finally whispered.

"Well then at least tell me what happened," Harry said, silently praying Draco hadn't been hurt because of him.

"I saw how great it was for you to have Ron and Hermione be ok with us, and I wanted that too," Draco said quietly. "So … so I told someone about us."

"And they beat you up?!" Harry cried.

Draco shook his head sharply. "He didn't beat me up!" he said loudly. "He just got a little carried away, that's all."

"Who did you tell?"

Draco said nothing again, his eyes shining and his jaw clenched.

"Draco, please …" Harry said softly.

"My father," Draco said after a moment, almost inaudibly.

Harry froze, completely stunned. Draco had told Mr. Malfoy about their relationship and Mr. Malfoy had beat Draco up because of it? Harry felt sick as he looked at a smear of blood under Draco's left eye. "He did this to you?" Harry asked, horrified.

"He didn't mean to," Draco said, surprisingly calmly. "He just gets angry sometimes. I was expecting him to react this way. Plus he's under a lot of stress at work right now, and his only son being gay is kind of a shock, especially considering I'm with you of all people, and …" Draco trailed off, apparently unable to think of more excuses.

"He's done this before, hasn't he?" Harry said bleakly, his own voice full of a kind of hopelessness he couldn't quite explain.

Draco took a deep, shuddering breath, and said nothing, but Harry already knew the answer.

"Please don't be mad at him," Draco said finally.

Harry stared. "How … how can I not be mad at him? How can you not be mad at him?

A few silent tears spilled from Draco's eyes, and Harry's chest clenched painfully.

"Why the hell would you even tell him if you knew he'd do this?" Harry asked.

"Because I love you!" Draco shouted suddenly, tears now streaming down his face.

Harry froze, his mouth slightly open. "You … you what?"

"Did you actually think there was a possibility that I didn't?" Draco said in a horribly broken voice that cut right through Harry. "I'm terrified of anything to do with love and relationships, remember? But I'm still here, aren't I? And I'm risking everything, all for you. I mean, this isn't just me and some random guy! This is me and you, Harry. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. The epitome of good and evil. Sworn enemies, right from the beginning. I hate your guts, Potter!! If I didn't love you why the hell else would I still be here?"

Harry couldn't move. Draco turned around and punched the wall, then leaned against it, shaking. Harry tried with all his might to move his legs, but they had apparently become glued to the floor. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but no sound would come out. He tried to punch himself, hoping to snap himself out of it, but his arms had also become paralyzed. His insides twisted at the memory of the dried blood below Draco's eye. Even worse, the bruises he could still see on the back of Draco's arm were boring into his eyes. Draco's soft but desperate sobs seared into him like a thousand swords into his heart. They might as well be cutting him open from the inside; they were causing him greater pain than mere knives ever could. Harry had no idea how long he stood there; a minute, a day, a year; time meant nothing to him. Nothing meant anything to him anymore, nothing but the sobbing boy still leaning against the wall. Finally Harry forced his foot to step forward, then the next one, slowly making his way toward Draco. Toward the only person in the world he cared about in that moment. He was inches from Draco before Draco spoke.

"Please don't touch me," he choked.

Harry's ears heard the words but his brain had forgotten what they meant, maybe forever. He didn't care. What did words matter? Words would not change what he had done. It was his fault. The bruises, the blood and the pain were all his fault. He put a hand on Draco's shoulder, wishing Draco would scream, punch him, curse him, kill him; anything. Harry deserved it all. But Harry knew he wouldn't. And Draco didn't. He just turned slowly, the purple patches on his face slashing Harry's insides.

"This has to end, Harry. Now that my father knows it's only a matter of time before the Dark Lord finds out, and he'll use me as a trap to get to you. He'll kill you. It's too dangerous for us to be together. Besides, it's you who is meant to defeat him once and for all, Harry, I know it is. The world needs you, and I can't get in the way of that," Draco finally whispered.

Harry didn't respond. He couldn't. His brain had forgotten how to speak. It was just as well, though. Even if he could speak he wouldn't. There were no words. He enveloped Draco in a tight embrace, half hoping to squeeze the unhappiness out of him. Draco tried to pull away but Harry didn't let him. They struggled for a moment before sinking to the floor in a heap, Harry holding tight to Draco even as they fell.

"I love you too. So much," Harry breathed.

"You do?"

"Of course I do," Harry whispered. "I have for weeks now."

"Why didn't you say something before?"

"Because …" Harry hesitated. "Well, partly because I didn't know if you loved me, and I didn't want to scare you. But mostly because … I didn't know how to say it. Those words seem like such a cliché somehow. And on top of everything, they're not enough. They're just words, and words can't begin to describe how I feel."

"I …" Draco began.

"No, don't say anything," Harry cut him off. "Let's just leave it there for now, ok?

"But the Dark Lord –"

"Shh." Harry put a finger to Draco's lips. "I know the risks of us being together. And I'm willing to take them. You're worth anything."

Harry kissed him slowly and fully, and then laid them both on the floor wrapping Draco in his arms. Harry felt Draco's body relax, surrendering to the warmth of Harry's protecting arms. Neither Harry nor Draco had ever had loving arms to protect them before, and they might not ever again. Harry knew it was late already, and it could be only hours before they were found. But for the precious time they had they were sheltered from the cold that waited for them outside of their sanctuary. They were safe. Maybe not forever, maybe not even for tomorrow. But for now, and in that moment, nothing else mattered.

I'm falling apart; I'm barely breathing

So I'm holding on

Barely, but holding on to you

Disclaimer - the song is "Holding On" by Lifehouse. I don't own the lyrics, I just worship them. Nor do I own any of the characters. I just manipulate their emotions.