A/N: This was my contribution to the Friday Free For All over on Twi'd. This is a bit of a departure for me, but I'm trying my hand at comedy. I have never written anything that wasn't angst-ridden, and you have no idea how much it killed me to resist.

~ First Time Failure ~

Their first time was a disaster. They were a high school cliché – seventeen, and virgins both of them. It happened after prom in the back of an older model, silver Volvo that had been a hand me down from his mother, to his brother, and finally, him.

It certainly wasn't how either of them imagined losing their v-cards, but she wanted him so badly, and looked so fucking heartbreakingly beautiful straddling his lap, her long, billowy dress rucked up high on her thighs as they shared hungry kisses and tender touches, that he couldn't find it in him to tell her no. Besides that, he was a teenage boy who thought about sex constantly, had the most incredible girl doing nothing to help discourage him…and they loved each other. Desperately and completely.

So, even though it wasn't ideal, wasn't what he had pictured for them–for her–if this is what she wanted, then she could have it; she could have all of him. She already did, whether she knew it or not, because he had always been hers, but now he would give himself to her in a tangible way that she could understand. She had wanted him–all of him–for nearly the entire two years that they had been together, and it had been hard to resist her, but some weird, old-fashioned part of him had wanted to wait until they were legally bound to each other before they gave themselves to one another completely. He wanted them to be each other's one and only.

But it was two against one, and his inner-gentleman was no match against Bella and the perpetually horny, seventeen-year-old motherfucker that he kept locked away. It was only Edward's faith that they weren't going to be like all their friends–hooking up, and professing their love for someone new every other week–that finally appeased the old man part.

"Are you sure?" Edward asked one last time, watching her carefully for any hesitation, but he found none.

"Yes."

Nervously, he'd gone around to the back of the car and folded the seats down–grateful for the first time ever that he drove a station wagon. He'd spread the blanket that he kept in the back across the now flattened seats, and crawled in. Having closed the rear door closed behind him, he took Bella's hands, pulling her over the front seats and into the back with him.

Never the most graceful girl, her legs had gotten all tangled up in her dress, and she'd landed beside him with a thud. Somehow, the satin overskirt ended up over her head, and as she flailed spastically around trying to right it, she somehow managed to elbow Edward in the nose, followed immediately by a knee to his junk.

Finally getting the material pulled down so she could see, she scampered to where Edward lay curled into a ball–one hand clutching his nose, and the other protectively shielding his boys. Her hands flittered around him, wanting to comfort him, but not sure what to do.

"Fuck, baby! Shit, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he grunted. "Just give me a second."

He sat up after a moment, took one look at Bella, and started chuckling.

"Who pissed in your Kool-Aid? I'm the one who got hurt here."

"Why are you laughing, asshole? I just ruined the whole evening."

That only made him laugh harder. "You can be so dramatic sometimes. It's fine, baby. You didn't ruin anything. Come here," he said, gathering her up in his arms.

Comforting kisses soon gave way to heated ones, and then she was on her back, giggling softly, while Edward hovered over her. He gazed down at her with tender adoration, and her giggling stopped. So did her breathing.

He stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers, and chuckled under his breath. "Breathe, Bells."

She took a ragged breath, and then whispered, "You're so beautiful."

"No, Isabella, you are beautiful…I'm fuckhot," he corrected with that cocky grin she knew so well.

"And humble too, I see," was her teasing reply.

The way he was gazing at her as he continued to stroke her cheek caused her breathing to grow shallow and her heart to beat faster, but he couldn't stop. He loved her so much, and he wanted to make sure he showed her in every touch as they made love for the first time. Maybe he really was a pussy, like his brother Emmett accused him of being, but what they were about to do was a big deal to him, his girl was an even bigger deal, and he wanted this experience to be perfect so she would never regret it. Plus, if it went well they would be able to do it all the time, and his dick thought that was a good thing.

He kissed her, just a soft brush of his lips against hers, and again more firmly, before finally stroking her bottom lip with his tongue. She opened her mouth to him, losing herself in his kisses just before they lost themselves in each other. He teased her with his hands, his lips, his tongue, and his teeth as he slowly removed her clothing, baring her to him for the first time. She mirrored his actions, and then they were both bare, their eyes hungrily roaming over each other.

She had never looked lovelier than she did right then, with her hair all soft and curly and spread out around her like a dark cloud, and her cheeks flushed. He groaned when her tongue darted out to moisten her sweet mouth, and she liked that she could cause him to make that noise. Her desire for him was visible in her eyes when she coyly looked up at him, but the way she bit at her lip belied her nervousness. Wanting to ease her nerves, he brought his hand to her face, and used his thumb to gently pull the oft-abused flesh out from between her teeth.

All of the romantic, sweet words he had planned on saying flew out his head, right along with his eloquence–and don't be fooled by his age, he could be eloquent as a motherfucker when he wanted to be. Instead, what came out were the muttered, rushed mumblings of a hormonal, horny teenage boy only moments away from boning the girl he had coveted for years. "I just…I don't even…fuck, Bella! You're so…wow. You're fucking spectacular, and…"

"Edward—," she paused, and waited for him to look at her before she finished, "—shut-up, and make love to me. Now. Please."

Rendered speechless, his mouth closed with an audible snap. He didn't even bother to attempt words, he simply nodded, all wide-eyed, and then rolled slightly to his side to awkwardly roll on Edward Junior's–or Eddie, as he was also known–first condom. Once he was gloved, he knelt between her legs, placing his hands on either side of her head. Her legs opened wide to accommodate him, allowing his hips to fit perfectly between her thighs, and his dick to nestle against her hot pussy. She smiled nervously at him, and he returned it tentatively, trying to project a confidence that he didn't feel.

"Ready?" he asked.

Biting her lip again, she nodded, and he took a deep breath. It was now or never; go time. He leaned down, kissing her lips. He took himself in hand, and rubbed the tip along the length of her hot slickness, opening her to him. It was the first time she had ever felt that part of him touch her there, and she gasped. When he slipped over her clitoris, her gasp was swallowed by a soft moan, and her she spread her legs wider. He'd just had his fingers inside of her, and if he hadn't been positive that she was wet then, he most certainly was now.

It was sink or swim time. He chuckled to himself as it occurred to him that this was one of the few occasions in life where you desperately wanted to sink, and you prayed for nothing to swim. He was locked and loaded and sighted in; all he had to do now was squeeze the trigger. Finally, he could stall no more. Looking her in the eyes, he focused all of his feelings for her into his words, and said simply, "I love you. Always and forever."

She nodded. "I love you, too."

"Tell me if I hurt you."

She nodded again.

Her eyes were so big and honest and trusting and full of love as he pushed into a fraction of an inch. Even though he barely had the tip inside her, it was a taste of what was to come…before he would hopefully come…and a tremor ran through him, causing his eyes to roll back in his head.

"Bella!" he groaned.

Bella was panting. It felt good, the pressure of him sitting barely inside her, and she wanted more, but he was frozen, not moving at all. She rocked her hips in encouragement, causing him to open his eyes and focus on hers again. He nodded at her, barely pulled out, and then pushed back in a little further, just the tip of him inside her now.

The pressure and sensation of being stretched was different–maybe even slightly uncomfortable–but far from unpleasant for her, and for him...

"Fuck, Bella! So-so fucking tight…ungh!" he grunted; she was almost too tight. Although it shouldn't have surprised him, considering how tight she felt around his finger whenever he fingered her.

Her.

His girl.

His Bella.

Fuck! Bella!

Realizing that he hadn't heard a peep out of her, his eyes flew open to check on her. "Okay, b-baby?" he asked in a tight, strained voice. Bella nodded. Again. She was beyond words…far beyond.

A quick assessment assured him that she was being honest, and that the tension he felt was from anticipation rather than fear or pain. Hoping to relax her, he pulled out and pushed back in, just the tip, several more times without increasing his depth. When her muscles began to relax, he thrust in another inch, and…oh, fuck! So good!

It took everything he had to not plunge inside and pound away until he exploded, so it wouldn't have shocked him that his glazed eyes failed to notice Bella wince…but it would have horrified him. Almost entirely focused on the feeling of her around him, he pulled back out once more before thrusting in with more force–and that's when everything went to hell.

Bella screeched in pain, and her nails dug into his flesh, carving angry red gashes along his back, from his shoulders to the middle of his back. All of her muscles–and I do mean all–locked down, her body going rigid, and suddenly…she wasn't the only one screeching.

Edward's hips involuntarily thrust forward as her already tight pussy became tighter, and he found himself lodged fully inside of her now vice-like grip. The irony wasn't last on him that the place he'd been dying for years to get inside of had become the place he desperately wanted out of.

"Get off me, Edward!" Bella screamed at him, and then, screwing her hands into fists, began beating them on his shoulders trying to push him off.

Holy Mary, mother of God! She had known it would hurt, but–Jesus-fucking-Christ-motherfucking-fuck–she hadn't known it would hurt that badly. Damnit all to hell! It felt like someone was shoving a hot steel rod inside her, trying to rip her in half. Son of a bitch, it hurt! She was done. She didn't want to play anymore. She wanted off the ride. Or rather, she wanted the ride off her. Why the fuck wasn't he getting off her.

She continued trying to help him dismount–and holy fuck, he thought, there was such a thing as too tight, he prayed it would still function when it was all over–causing him to scream like a girl, and bellow, "Fuck Bella, are you trying to rip my fucking dick off? Stop fucking pushing on me!" He stopped, and then gritting his teeth, continued at a lower volume. "You need to relax, baby."

"Just get the fuck off me, you insensitive asshole!"

"I fucking would if you would let go of Eddie fucking Junior! I realize that you're not enjoying this, but just so you know, neither the fuck am I! Fuck, I would like to use my dick again one day."

"Just get off of me!" she shouted back, thrashing below him.

Not giving a fuck that he was probably squishing her, his used his hands to pin her hips to the blanket. "Motherfucker!" he squealed. Desperate, he pleaded with her, "Bella, I can't pull out until you fucking relax! Please, baby, just relax."

Praying for Eddie to stand down was obviously not working. With the way she was squeezing him, there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening. He wanted to have sympathy, he really did, but he just couldn't find it in him. There was no way it could have possibly hurt as much as she was carrying on. People lost their virginity every single day. Thousands of them, and it was no big deal. Yet, he had managed to fuck it up.

As lost in his head as he was, it escaped his notice that Bella had finally stopped hitting and shoving, but what he did notice were her muscles relaxing minutely. He began to retreat from her the moment he felt it was safe, going slowly as he didn't want to wake the beast again, only to freeze again almost immediately when he heard her hiss. No, no, no, he thought, don't let her tighten up again, please don't tighten up again. She didn't, and he released the breath he had been purposely holding.

The bulk of the pain–the burning, intensely excruciating part–had abated by that point, becoming a dull ache that only flared up when he moved, and even that was gradually fading. He continued to pull out after deciding it was still safe. He shifted onto his elbows, trying to draw his knees underneath him, and lost his balance causing him to shallowly thrust back in.

Bella whimpered, and Edward braced for the imminent pain, the muscles of his abs and ass flexing in anticipation, but…nothing. She was still ridiculously tight, but he just went slowly so as to not cause either of them–especially himself–any more pain.

Just a little further…

"Bella, what are you doing?" he questioned with a tremulous voice when her heel pushed against the back of his thigh, halting him, and she raised her hips towards him with a soft grunt.

"It's starting to–that is, I think it's starting to–feel good. Don't stop yet. Can't we…can't we just try a bit more?"

He stared at her with what could only be described as slightly crazed bewilderment, and then he made a strange high-pitched noise that turned into a wheezing laugh. "Are you fucking batshit crazy? We're done here, Bella. No, we can't fucking keep trying," he choked out. Reaching behind himself, he easily removed the leg she'd hooked around his, and then–no longer taking his time--finished separating their bodies.

"So, that's it then? We're done?" Her voice broke.

It was totally out of character for him to act like this towards her. He'd always had a bit of a temper, and he could be moody and just as hormonal as any other teenager, but in the two years they had dated, he had never lost his temper with her–and it wasn't like she'd never tested his patience either. He couldn't stand to see her cry, and hurting her hurt him–he wasn't a masochist–but after having just watched the lives of his unborn children flash before his eyes, he just didn't quite have it in him to give a flying fuck, and he rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, Bella! We just lost our virginities, and you tried to rip my dick off! I think we're done," was his harshly snapped reply.

He flopped onto his back beside her and the distance between them, the lack of contact, their epically disastrous attempt at sex due to her (apparently) defective vagina, all of it left her feeling cold and alone and empty. Already feeling like a failure from letting him down, she was dangerously close to tears, and his cruel words weren't helping hold back the flood.

And why the fuck wouldn't he touch her? He always touched her.

She knew it. She had finally done it, he was over her, and why wouldn't he be? He could fuck practically anyone in that school–male or female–and they both knew it. It had never made sense for him to be with her. That was what she got for trying to swim with swans, because despite her last name, she was most certainly a duck…and not a very cute one at that.

That was the last drop it took for her already full pity pool to run over. The dam broke, and her tears began flowing. She rolled wordlessly, but with more grace than usual, onto her hands and knees, and crawled over to their pile of discarded clothing by their feet. With blurry eyes, she gathered her things, and dressed, wincing a little as she wiggled into them. Edward didn't finally sit up (still nude), and take notice until she was fully clothed and sitting in the back corner of the car–as far away from him as she could be without exiting the vehicle–with her knees drawn up to her chest, silently crying.

"Bella, what are you doing?" he asked, exasperated. His upper body weaved around, leaning this way and that, and his head tilted and inclined in his effort to see her eyes, but none of it did him any good; she refused to look up at him, or meet his gaze.

"Bella?" he questioned again, his nervous chuckle trailing off.

A moment or two of silence passed before she spoke, ordering him with a firm voice, "Take me home, Edward."

Like sand paper, his voice was abrasive and lifeless when he immediately replied, "Yeah. Fine. Whatever you want."

Bella let herself out of the car and crawled into the front passenger seat to wait while Edward dressed as hastily as he was able in the confined space. He put the seats up, and got rid of the evidence of what they'd been up to, and then drove to her house, both of them silent. Before he had even pulled all the way into the driveway, she had her seatbelt off and was opening the door. She was already standing beside the car when he finally put it in neutral and set the emergency brake.

"Bella!" he called. The seatbelt bit his skin when attempted to launch himself across the car and grab her hand to keep her from running away, but for once, she had been faster, and he grasped nothing but empty air.

Assuming the worst, she froze. Her arms wrapped around herself protectively, and she kept her back to him. She wanted to get it over with, but she didn't want to see his face while he did it. "What do you want, Edward?"

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"I should have believed Rose and Alice when they said that sex changes everything, but naïve little me, I thought it would be for the better. Had I known it would change like this, I would have never done it. I would have happily remained a virgin for the rest of my life if it meant I got to keep you. I'm sorry I wasn't any good, and that you didn't get to finish. And I'm sorry…well, for what happened."

"What the hell are you talking about, Bells? Seriously? What the fuck?"

"You're breaking up with me." A statement, not a question.

He snorted. "Why the fuck would I do that? No, I'm not breaking up with you. Jesus." His shaky hand swiped agitatedly through his hair, and he took a deep breath. Hoping that the annoyance and derision were gone from his voice, he softly added, "You're my life now, baby. You know that. Always. This was just a rather awkward bump in the road."

She whirled around to face him. "So, you're not…?"

Snorting again, he shook his head.

"So you acted like a complete dickweed–pulling away, and then ignoring me afterwards–for no reason? It wasn't because you were about to break up with me?" Her pitch was steadily rising with each question.

"I swear to God that I have no intention of ever breaking up with you, love."

"Then you, Edward Cullen, are a dick." Huh? "You are a fucking cuntwaffle, and I don't want to speak to you right now. In fact, I don't want to speak to you for quite a while. You can go fuck yourself, because I guarantee that I won't be fucking you any time soon, and you might as well learn to suck your own cock since I won't be doing that in the near future either."

"Jesus, Bella," he said with an annoyed sigh. With his eyes closed and his head hung in defeat, his hand came up to pinch the bridge of his nose, and he took a deep breath. He had no clue how to deal with her; he was going to have to wing it. Surely, he couldn't fuck things up any more than he already had. Right?

Wrong.

"I wasn't exactly in my right…Jesus, fuck!" His eyes were aimed on the passenger seat when he opened them. "Is that…? Did you–bleed on my car-seat? What the…"

Bella wasn't listening. The only thing she heard was the roaring in her ears that dulled everything else out, especially his words. The blood drained from her face as he watched, leaving it a shade of white that he'd previously only seen on unfinished ceramic; it was almost blinding in its starkness. To Edward, knowing Bella the way he did, it was a flashing neon sign…warning…warning…warning!

He watched in horror as she began to sway. Moving with more agility, adeptness, and speed than he ever had before–than he ever thought possible–he managed to find himself standing in her driveway beside her just in time to catch her as her knees gave out.

"Bella? Baby?" he cried–as loudly as he dared with her police chief father just inside the house–to the slumped form in his arms. "Bella? Come on, baby, look at me, please!"

Her eyes never opening, he felt her take a shuddering breath before requesting, "Can we please pretend that this night never happened?"

"How many times do I have to tell you to not do that? You really scare me when you try to faint on me, and who the hell still faints nowadays? I thought ladies swooning went out with the corset?"

She ignored him for the time being, continuing as if he hadn't said a word. "Or better yet, can we have a do-over? Otherwise, I think we're going to have to break up, because I can't ever look you in the eyes again. And don't flatter yourself. That wasn't swooning. It was mortification in the extreme, combined with dizziness from standing too fast."

"Can you stand on your own?" She nodded, but he refused to let her go. Instead, he kept her cradled against his chest with her head tucked under her chin. "Don't be embarrassed, it's not that bad, babe."

"It's not tha…?" She jerked out of his arms. "Edward! I fucking bled on your seat…which means…oh, no. My dress. Charlie. How am I gonna get inside without him noticing. I can't very well walk around in reverse, and then back my way up the stairs. The back of my dress looks like someone was murdered!"

"Bella."

"You know what? I feel like I've been had, like everyone has been lying to me my entire life. It only hurts for a minute. The pain's not that bad. You only bleed a little." She let out a rather unladylike snort.

"Bella."

"Fuck that! It's a fucking conspiracy. They lie to you because if they didn't, no one in their right fucking mind would ever do it. Fuck! Charlie is going to kill me! Actually, that's not true. He is going to lock me up, and then kill you."

"Bella!" he said against her ear after pulling her into his arms. "It's a little bit chilly out…"

"The weather, Edward? Really? You want to discuss the weather right now? You are aware that this affects you too, right? Do you have any idea what he is going to do to you when he finds out you deflowered his little girl?"

His hand clamped down over her mouth, finally putting an end to her panicked word vomit. "Shut-up for a minute, and listen," he growled. "You can wear my tux jacket when you go in. It'll hang down far enough to er…cover the spot up, and it's chilly enough tonight that it shouldn't look suspicious. Problem solved."

At that moment, the jacket in question was tugged from off his broad shoulders, and then draped over her delicate ones. He softly chuckled as he stepped back to get a good look at her.

"I'll get it back to you tomorrow…or after I have it dry cleaned. Um…I gotta go in now before Charl…" she stumbled, feeling awkward once again.

"Don't worry about it. Whenever. But, yeah–okay..."

"You're not gonna…" "I really am…" they said at the same time.

"Go ahead."

"No, ladies first. I insist."

"Um…you're not gonna tell anyone–not Em or Jass–about tonight, are you?"

"No. Um, definitely not…" He paused. Grabbing the lapels of his jacket, he hauled her to him, for a rough, but chaste kiss. The pressure softened and, with his lips lingering against hers, he whispered, "I really am sorry about tonight. Please don't…hate me for fucking it all up."

She pulled away. "Oh, my God, Edward…no! It's my fau–I'm the one–that is–it was my defectiveness that caused all of our problems. I mean, I tried to strip you of your…y'know, thing. If anyone's to blame, it's me."

"Bella, no…"

"If I can't take responsibility for this, then neither can you. Agree to disagree."

"Fine," he sighed. "Agree to disagree, but only because the Chief's looking out the kitchen window with that weird twitchy eye look again… I guess I'll see you later then." Bending down to meet it halfway, he lifted her hand and placed a kiss in the center. Yeah, he was a pussy, but wasn't going to kiss the police chief's daughter right in front of him. He wasn't stupid enough to provoke a bull. In fact, he probably wouldn't even be able to do it on their wedding day. They would just have to shake hands or something.

"Okay. Later then." She popped up onto her tiptoes, and gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning and walking towards her house where, sure enough, she saw Charlie peering out from behind the kitchen curtain, glaring daggers at Edward.

Bella gave Charlie a glare of her own, and he managed to look properly chastised, but not before shooting Edward one more thinly-veiled, threatening look, which Edward ignored…mostly. He had his attention focused on the girl making her way up the stairs and across the porch. Just before she disappeared with a little wave behind the door, he called out to her, "Bella!" He waited for her to look at him. "I love you."

Her answering smile was balm to his soul, soothing the shame he caused himself that evening. "Always," she whispered, blowing him a kiss.

Cheesily, and like the dork he really was, he caught it, and then got into his car. As he backed out of the driveway, he tried to figure out what to do about his passenger seat. Blood wouldn't soak into the leather, would it? Fuck it, he finally decided, I'm going home and going to bed.

After that traumatic introduction to sex, Edward resumed the prudish behavior he'd had throughout the majority of their relationship, only worse. So much so, that it was nearly two months before he would do more than chastely kiss her.

Bella was an intrepid girl, though. She took matters into her own hands, literally and figuratively. A week after she received a discreet package in the mail from an online boutique, she was ready. She waited until they had his house to themselves for a whole afternoon before she pushed him back on his bed. When she was positive he was in a more receptive mood, she spoke.

"Baby?" she asked sultrily.

"Hmm?"

"I was just thinking I wanted to try something. Do you trust me?"

Without thinking, he grunted in the affirmative. Or maybe it was in response to her mouth plunging down on him again. Either way…

"Keep your eyes closed, baby."

Working quickly, she produced a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, and snapped them around his wrists before he could protest.

"Bella, what the fuck?"

"Shut up, Edward. Don't make me gag you…not that anyone is around to hear you scream, but I'll do it anyway. Just lay back, relax, and let me do this. I want to. Badly enough that I just handcuffed you to your bed."

Teasing his still-hard cock with her hands and mouth, she waited until she saw his shoulders slump in acceptance, before she slowly stripped, and hopped on. Had she not still felt the embarrassment over their first time, the look on his face as it went from almost terrified to pleasantly surprised and finally to gleeful would have been hysterical. The smile that broke across her face never left as she rode him for the first time, bringing them both to their peaks.

Afterwards, he begged her to take cuffs off so they could do it again…and again…and again. Thank God, he was still a horny son of a bitch, and young. They didn't waste a minute of that afternoon.

~ Fin ~

A/N: So how'd I do for my first time? A cherry-popping popped my comedy cherry. Lame, I know.

Thank You's:
Manyafandom- for hosting and never bitching about the fuckton of rambling emails I sent her. Vanessarae and EchoesOfTwilight- my amazing beta's who turned this around in record time (Em, thank you for holding my hand when I told you I had to start my FFFA fic from scratch a few days ago, because my original o/s was much too long.)
My fellow LOD Girls- you guys deal with my insanity and, along with Lexiecullen and ARenee363 (thank you inappropriate late-night Twitter convo's), unintentionally put the idea for this in my head.

And thanks to all of you for reading. Mwah!