Summary: John and Helen in Bhalasamm

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or Sanctuary.

Rating: T

Pairing: John/Helen

THE WEIGHT OF SORROW:

John had taken Will and Clara back to the Sanctuary and left Helen alone with Nikola. But she didn't want to be alone with him. Going off into the secluded tree line she sank to her knees and wept for James, her old friend who fell to the rigors of time. He had been one of her dearest friends, and the only one not to turn on her. He had been there for her when John had lost his sanity. Now James was gone and Helen was feeling the weight of her sorrow.

"Helen?"

It was John, she knew without even turning around. She always knew when he was near her. Even after one hundred years they were still in tune. Helen didn't want to turn, didn't want him to see the tears flowing down her cheeks. It was too much to bear for him to see her like this. She needed to keep this hidden from him, needed to keep up the persona of strength. But that would be hard to keep up even in front of John. He knew her too well. Taking a deep breath Helen steadied herself and then turned to him. Seeing him, the dirt still on his face, Helen wanted to cry all over again. "Time to…" Helen cleared her throat and then continued, "Time to go?"

"No, we can linger a few more minutes," John stepped closer and took her in his arms. Instantly Helen stiffened, but she relaxed, she fell against him and let out the rest of her sorrow. Her tears were an echo of the sadness he was feeling at the death of a great friend. Here in the quiet of the trees Helen and John could be together, have things as they used to be, if only for a moment and even though it was only and illusion. John wrapped one arm around her waist and cupped the back of her head. She was in pain, she was full of sorrow, and she was full of grief. They had just lost someone who meant a great deal to both of them; James would never be forgotten.

Just being there in John's arms made Helen's tears flow faster. She was supposed to hate him, to resist him, and to forget about what he meant to her. When all was said and done John was still too much apart of her heart, of her soul, and she still loved him. Slowly, she encircled his waist with her arms and felt him again, felt him close to her. But he was right they only have a few minutes. Soon if they didn't get out of here Nikola would come looking and the moment would be shattered. "We've lost so much."

"That is the nature of time. It always takes no matter the connection." John whispered and kissed Helen's temple. He felt her shudder, suppress the rest of her pain. His own heart was shattered at the loss of a friend and at seeing the pain Helen was suffering. She was right, they had lost so much, so much time; so much of each other, and that was something they could never reclaim. They would never be able to reclaim the past, reclaim their time together, or a time when they had been truly happy. All they had was here and now.

Helen pulled back, broke the connection between them. She took his hand in hers and placed it over her heart as her tears fell again to land on the back of his hand. Helen wanted him to feel her heart breaking, wanted him to know that being so close to him made her hurt. It reminded her of all the happy times they had, all the times when they dreamed dreams of a life together. Now, right now, she cried for them, fort he loss of their love, and she also cried for James. But she as also comforted in knowing that John was so close, so close to touch and to hold.

John rubbed his index finger over Helen's collar bone as he felt the beat of her heart. When they would spend nights together John would spend time just listening to her heart; it was the sweetest sound in the world to him. And just to think about it now, John could almost hear her heart breaking again and again. For one split instance John wanted to go back, stop the experiment, and just live as a human. But that would not be possible, they only had the ability to go foreword not back. And John hated it, hated what fate had dealt him; he was doomed to live without Helen when she was the one woman in all of creation he wanted to be with. This was his tragedy, his pain, his regret. They all revolved around Helen Magnus. She was his love, his sun, and his moon and the stars. She as the reason he had lived. But now he could never be with her, not like it had been. Nothing could compare to there beginning.

Helen looked into John enigmatic blue eyes and tried to decipher the emotions swimming just beneath the surface. He looked pained, regretful, and he had the slighted ounce of love in his eyes. Maybe that was what she had been looking for all along, his love. She wanted to know that he still loved her; she still loved him. If Helen hadn't still felt some sort of love for John then she never would have let him in the confines of her Sanctuary, her home. Here her stood, his eyes shining with a deep live laced with pain and all Helen could feel was her anguish. As much as she wanted to love him, to let him know she still cared, there would be no way for them, no middle ground. Raising her other hand Helen placed it over his heart. At one time his heart had the most precious thing in the world to her, but now it was a sad reminder of her past. She had to stop, to pull away, to tell him they had to leave, but the words would not form. Helen wanted nothing more than to stay with him here in seclusion and feel the echo of what used to be. That was all they had now; what used to be. All they were were the sum of their memories.

"You better not be leaving me behind,"

Helen stumbled back from John as Nikola broke the spell that had descend upon them; the spell of familiarity, of closeness, of the past. "No, Nikola, we…"

"If I had my way, you would be in a volcano." John seethed. He would love nothing more than to dispose of the Vampire, but on some level that would do more harm to Helen; she would have lost another friend, if he could call Nikola a friend to her. Angling his body, John blocked Nikola's view of Helen. It also allowed him the luxury of taking her hand in his one last time before the present drove them apart. As a second thought John placed his hand just at the base of Nikola's throat. A moment later they were back within the confines of the Sanctuary and Helen once again fled his side for the frozen comfort of her solitude. He was once again banished from her and that knowledge sliced through John's heart. But he would not allow that pain to show, he would not cause her more pain by allowing his to shine through.