Disclaimer: I know! It's so 2005, but I still don't own Phil of the Future.

Let's Listen In On What Really Happened

Our Players and References

Alyson Michalka = Keely Teslow

Amy Bruckner = Pim Diffy

Brenda Song = Tia Chen

Carrie Michalka = Alyson's Mother

Craig Anton = Lloyd Diffy

Doug Tuber = Co-Creator

Evan Peters = Seth Wosmer

J.P. Manoux = Curtis, Neil Hackett

James Welden = Artist and Production Designer

Julie Sherman Wolfe = Writer

John Philpotts = Set Designer

Kelli McCarty = Miss Mayberry

Lise Simms = Barbara Diffy

Milla Uliviero = News Stand Girl

Ricky Ullman = Phil Diffy

Tim Maile = Co-Creator

Yeardley Smith = Mandy Teslow

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Act V -- You Told Me To

Hey Guys, just came back to get the time machine.

John, we already told you, we're going to need it in Season 3.

Probably.

Probably.

You two seem stressed. Why don't you just do what Phil did and use the time machine to go back in time and fix things?

Uh, Johnny? This is just a kids' T.V. show, Man. The time machine isn't real.

Have you tried it lately?

Okay ... why don't you have a seat, John, while we call your wife to pick you up? Want something to eat? Something soft, no need for a knife and fork or any anything sharp. Maybe a doughnut? I think there's still a piece of a cruller around here someplace, if "Ethan" hasn't foraged around here lately. How are you feeling, Johnny-Boy?

I think Johnny's crackin' up, Doug. Now, I wish we had let him build the Astrospa.

The what?

We just finished that episode. Astrospa with built-in Robomassager -- ring a bell?

You did let me. Don't you two remember? It's over here under this tarp where I stored it after completing the work. Wish you hadn't cut that scene. Craig never even got to use it. Go on, take a gander at it.

Looks like an ordinary massage table to me, John.

Does, doesn't it? But just lay down and try it out, Doug.

(Humor him until his wife comes to take him home. They say the insane have great strength.)

(AND, AND, you've got my back, right?)

(Whoa! I'm not the one he asked to lie down.)

Sounds great, John, but it's Tim who really needs it. You know, his back? Here, I'll help you get him on the table.

DOUG!

No need to thank me. What are partners for?

Thanks, Doug. Tim, you're in for a treat. You're only the second person to use this so far.

WHat HAppened to the first?

Uh, just push this button right here to start it up.

I'll do it! I'll do it!

Gee, Doug's really enthusiastic about helping his partner. You might want to stand clear, Douglas. Those are the heated rollers emerging from underneath for the opening massage, each with their own army of pliable cones which coax your tense muscles to relax.

Ahh ... this doesn't feel half-bad -- Oh, MY.

That would be the roving vibrations starting in the bed of the table -- those impish humming robots -- they're quite random ... did I mention that they get a bit intimate?

YOU'RE TELLING ME! How will I explain it to my wife?

Next, the RoboMassage will either rock you back and forth, levitate you on a cushion of air, or ---

I've Got To Have This Thing!

-- oh, I see the table's picked the subsonic deep tissue massage for you. That'll completely relax all your voluntary muscles, probably for the first time in your life, unless you've ever been in a coma, and then, you wouldn't know what it felt like, would you?

John -- this is incredible! Why'd you go all out and build a working Robomassager?

You told me to.

That's it? Because we told you to?

Yeah, that's my job. Anyways, can I have the time machine at my house until next season starts?

Uh, yeah, guess so, but why? Going to play time traveler? Heh, heh.

Pretty much. I have a class reunion to attend, among other things, and I thought I'd bring back a younger version of myself to look extra spiffy at the reunion.

Okay, John -- wait, you don't mean the time machine actually works, also? Peters has been sleeping in it, for Pete's sake.

That? No, no. That's just a motorhome.

Ha! Good one! You had us going for a moment there, Johnny.

Yeah, I really thought you had built a working time machine, too.

I did.

You did?

You told me to. Don't you remember? Took me a while, too. Gathering the parts wasn't easy, so I had to give you what I had as I invented it. That's why the time engine keeps changing and growing throughout the series.

But the motorhome?

Is just a motorhome. You said, "Build us a time machine." You didn't say anything about making it move anywhere, but in time, so I built it and plugged it into the new set.

And the time machine's set?

Is just a set.

Then why do you want the time engine and its set?

Because it's cool. Can I take it with me now?

Just a minute, Mr. Philpotts.

Okay, Boss. I'm ready for my massage, anyway.

But I'm next. This isn't fair.

(Will you get over here, Douglas, and quit whining? Don't you know what this means?)

(Yes, he's stealing my turn. Easy for you to say; you're "relaxed.")

(It means we can use the time engine to go back in time and --) Hey, John, does the skyak work, too?

I dunno. Jimmy put that one together. You'll have to ask him.

I don't suppose your time engine spits out diamonds in its exhaust, too, does it, Mr. Philpotts?

I wish.

(Nuts. Anyway, we can take it back in time and arrange everything so Pim's family doesn't move.)

(But I like the direction of a new Pim.)

(Whatever. We can fix whatever we want. Season Six, here we come!)

(Kazow!)

(You mean, "Shazbut.")

(No, I don't think that's it. More like, "Ka-pow!")

("Sha-zam." It was ... no, no, it wasn't.")

(Tah-Da! Nope.)

(Taw-dow? Ta-Dow! That's it!)

(What were we talking about?)

(Saving Phil of the Future.)

(You think this could really work?)

(One way to find out.) Hey, Johnny, you know we're having some trouble, little hiccups, really, concerning our filming Season 3. We need -- Want -- want, like, really, to borrow the time engine for a little jaunt or two to clear up any problems regarding everyone on the show keeping their jobs.

Well, I don't know.

It works, doesn't it?

Oh, sure. It works. That's how I got this classic tie-dye t-shirt and cranberry bellbottoms. Like the look?

Fantastic, really great, John. So, can we?

I guess it would be all right, after all, you did tell me to build it, so I guess it's yours.

Yes, yes it is. Okay, so how does it work?

Just set the date you want to arrive at and flip the "on" switch. Like this.

Wait. John! We're not ready yet! Johnnnnn ...!

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*=)}¡PLINK!{(=*
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Okay, the coast is clear. You can come out now; they're both gone.

Thanks, Buckaroo. I really appreciate you help in clearing them out so we could get an early start setting up the sets for our new Hannah Montanna show more than a old hound dog appreciates a good scratchin' behind both ears.

My pleasure, Mr. Cyrus. This check of yours will clear, right?

Thursday. They won't be back anytime soon, right?

Everybody knows nobody makes it back quickly without all the missing temporal pump valves, Billy. Every loyal viewer knows that. You'd think the show's creators would have remembered that. Say, you look tired. Bet it's stressful creating a new show, all those new sets.

You know that is so true.

Well, I do have experience in that area and some time on my hands, as of now. If you'd like, I could --

I don't think so, John.

Well, couldn't hurt to ask. No hard feelings. How about a free massage?

(Shudder) (Dang Hollywood types. I should have stayed in Nashville. Wonder if I could trust Johnny here to throw another time machine together so I could get my little girl on Hee-Haw ... Ta-DOW!) Ahem, as for you, Reader, don't think I haven't noticed you listening in. Better take my advice and play it smart. Forget about what you've overheard and this little show, for that matter, cuz it don't. All that matters in this world is me making my little Miley's dreams come true, even if she sounds like at horse in labor when she tries to carry a tune. Don't get in my way, Reader, or, or ... Ta-DOW!

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End Act IV
Fin

Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Please remember your hats and coats before exiting the theater,

and come back, soon!