Warnings: Overall suckiness, extreme abuse of the word 'gay,' a few paragraphs of content that might not be properly rated, and extremely OOC characters.

VII.

"You're technically the second person I've gone to Homecoming with." The words shoot out of my mouth before I realize how bad they sound—I'm acting gay and it fucking sucks—so I feel like murdering something.

Because—call me girly and shit—being here, at Homecoming with him, has made me realize that I might possibly want to dance. With Ulquiorra Cifer of all people. And the idea of us dancing together is confusing, 'cuz that definitely is a sign of being gay. I cannot be gay.

I'd figured that if I spent more time with him, I'd realize I was just overreacting. I hadn't planned for any of this to happen. We weren't supposed to become friends again, and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to like him.

But stupid little Ulquiorra had to go and ruin everything, didn't he? We just had to become friends again. I just had to enjoy spending time with him. I just had to feel a tiny bit of excitement when I thought of crashing Homecoming. These two weeks were supposed to solve everything. I'm not supposed to be attracted to him.

Well. Fuck him for looking like a girl.

"I didn't know he was gay, too," someone whispers. My heart stops, and I don't have it in me to defend myself.

This, this, isn't supposed to be happening. Considering how much touchy-feely shit I make him go through, though, I think it was obvious from the start how much I liked this—him. So now I'm dense, stupid, and maybe gay. Maybe.

He blushes, 'cuz I don't have a better word, at my statement. His skin is pale enough to make him look red. I smile a little, trying to push any perverted thoughts from my mind. I think about girls from my classes—a girl that is nothing like Ulquiorra, preferably—and try to think of her naked.

It doesn't work.

And damn it, my mind is screaming "Gaygaygay!" and all I want is to hide and forget about this. Accepting Ulquiorra as someone like a lover is basically murder. In school, I'll have to watch out, and fuck, I don't even want to think of what my mom would say.

So, no, it's not possible.

"That was interesting," Ulquiorra says as the last few couples are leaving. They're sending ugly looks in my direction because I'm hanging out with him, and something painful sits in my stomach. They would be treating me like that, if they thought I was. . .

Gay. Gay. Gay.

I try to smile, "It sucked, like it did when I was a freshman." I focus my eyes on someone else's date, 'cuz her dress doesn't cover much and maybe I can fix this. The song changes into a slow, romantic ballad, and if I want to dance—and basically announce gayness to everyone—then this is it.

But I'm not that stupid and I don't ask him anything.

"I see." But that's something he says whenever he doesn't understand what I mean. I don't feel like clearing anything up.

"We should go," I announce, pushing these thoughts away. "My mom'll kill me if she sees me this late." And she will. As much as she likes me spending time with Ulquiorra, I can only stay out for so long before she gets annoyed. I need to get away from this anyway; I need to clear my head from all this shit.

"Of course." Ulquiorra starts walking, and I follow him quietly. I know my gaze is on his back and I know he can feel it because he's walking stiffer than usual.

He stops walking suddenly, and I slam into him 'cuz I wasn't paying attention. "Hey," I mutter. My mind is racing with shit-for-thoughts. He's right there. Right there, in front of me, like he's been the entire time. And then, to add more confusion to the mix, I do something so fucking messed up and not like me, I don't know why I did it.

I hug him.

I'm acting so gay. The thought isn't repulsive for the same reasons as before, so I've basically thrown myself in a hole to die.

He was stiff at first, not breathing, but I feel him relaxing and leaning into me. Because Ulquiorra doesn't deny things the way I do. "Grimmjow," he mutters, and he says something else I don't hear, and I don't ask him to repeat. Maybe I don't want to know.

I like him in my arms, I like the way he's small and fits almost perfectly against me. I don't like—and will never on my life admit to—how I have to force my hands to stay around his waist and not move downward.

Gaygaygay.

I don't like how this means I like him, Ulquiorra Cifer, a guy, a fucking guy.

"Don't get mushy on me now."

Gay.

I. Am. Screwed.

.

Was all the staring I did before supposed to lead to this? Had I been checking him out the whole time? Is this why none of my relationships worked out before? Is a relationship with Ulquiorra supposed to mean something? What'll happen if I am gay? What'll my mom do? What'll my friends do?

But maybe I'm over-thinking these things. Maybe it's just an Ulquiorra craze because he already looks so much like a girl.

Why can't I be normal?

Ulquiorra's not saying anything, and I'm so fucking happy that he's not. For once, I need his silence. I need to think.

.

"How was your night, Grimmy?" My mom is sitting on the couch in her pajamas, so I figure she woke up 'cuz I said I'd be home at this time.

"Fine." A picture of a saint makes me freeze in my place. I don't think there is a God, but that knowledge doesn't make me feel better. It's like this saint knows the shit I'm feeling, the stupid possibility-turned-reality of it all.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Piece of shit. That's what I am.

"What did you do?" The saint's eyes match up with my mom's—blue and staring at me and making me feel so goddamn guilty—and I try to smile, but my stomach feels too much like shit for me to do a good job.

"Just ate out and went to the store, nothing huge." Nothing huge my ass. Gay gay gay gay gay. It's a fucking chant in my head. I think of Ulquiorra and push the thought aside immediately. Something else. Think of something else.

She grins broadly, "I love that you two are friends again."

"Yeah." I sound dead. "Friends." Friends that could possibly become fuck buddies because that's what I'll end up doing, isn't it?

"Grimmjow, honey?" My mom stands up, her voice sounding worried. "What's wrong?" She's at my side immediately, her hand against my forehead. I don't have a fever, that's for sure.

I don't really know how to ask her this. "What should I do if I know someone who's. . ." I choke out the last part, "gay?" Gay. Me.

Shit.

She brushes some hair from my face, trying and failing to be comforting. Of course she's failing at it. I don't even know why I bothered to ask her anything. The answer won't be good. "I would never let you associate with those people."

"Yeah," I mutter, dread filling me. I try to look for something to stare at that doesn't have religion plastered on it. The only things I can find are fake plants and family pictures. Pictures, of course, that feature Ulquiorra somewhere.

Statues and pictures and words are taunting me. Gay gay gay.

"Well, if your friend is gay, try to fix him." The look on her face tells me she thinks she knows why I feel so bad. Whatever she's thinking sure as hell isn't close to the truth. "If he won't change, you can't spend time with him. What if he tries to convert you?"

It would be awesome if I could find a way to blame Ulquiorra for this. But I can't, no matter how much I want to.

I give her another fake smile, wiping away the shit I'm feeling so she doesn't freak out. "I just won't talk to him, then." I feel like a baby, a fucking kid.

"That's a good boy. Those people stray from God, you stray from them." She ruffles my hair and sighs. We stare at each other quietly for a minute. "It's late. Forget about that kid."

Yeah, that's fucking impossible when the gay kid is the Ulquiorra she loves so much.

And maybe, possibly me. What will happen then?

.

"I saw you at Homecoming," Nnoitra smirks as he walks toward his seat near mine. "With your boyfriend."

"Fuck off," I growl before adding, "and we're not fucking dating. I'm not gay, dumbass." It must've looked bad, and I'm already starting to question everything I've considered normal.

"Touchy," he hisses, flicking his tongue in my direction. Bastard. He relaxes in his seat, and I want to relax, too.

The amount of time I've spent with Ulquiorra has to mean something, though I don't like where it's going and why it means something along the lines of gay.

.

We didn't talk on the car ride to school, but it took a lot of effort to keep my eyes focused on the road and not on him. Awkward or not, he still has the habit of staring at me and not even trying to hide it.

Even now, during art, he's sneaking these odd looks at me. It's ridiculously obvious—and a little uncomfortable 'cuz it makes me think he knows what I'm thinking, which isn't good because what I'm thinking of is shit—and I suddenly remember something.

"I'm staying after school today."

Ulquiorra stops painting for a moment to look up at me. "You mentioned this before." He dips his brush in the color red and swirls it across the paper.

"Yeah, well, are you waiting for me or not?" I growl, slightly annoyed. Everything Ulquiorra's been doing lately has pissed me off. Why is he not normal? Why can't he be a girl? Why am I questioning every goddamn thing he does?

I throw a colored pencil down on the table. "I'm done with this shit." At Ulquiorra's look I quickly add, "My art project, I mean."

The hippie woman, whose name I think I honestly don't know, comes over and smiles. "Lovely," she breathes excitedly. "You've finally finished your background."

"Yeah." I'm pissed off. All I did was scribble in the background with all of the colored pencils, and somehow she thinks it's art?

"It's lovely!" she says again, picking up the drawing. "Deserving of an A. 98, Grimmjow." I nod slowly and she adds, "Please start on the next project. Everyone else is ahead of you."

.

Basketball practice feels like the only place where I can relax. Nothing is in my way, and I'm just myself. Alone, with none of these confusing, pestering questions bothering me.

The ball soars from my hands and bounces repeatedly against the rim of the basket before swishing in. I grit my teeth and run to catch it before dribbling it back to shoot again, and again, and again. This is mine.

I push all my thoughts aside and toss the ball to someone else. My vision is slightly blurred, so I'm not sure who it is. Funny, because that's how everything feels to me right now. He dribbles the ball away and passes it to someone else.

"Hey, man, you alright?" Nakeem breathes hard and tries to grin at me. I'm not even close to being out of breath, tired.

"What?" I snap, feeling some tension leave me when I'm louder. We both start running to the other side of the court.

It feels better, a relief.

.

"Is something bothering you, Grimmjow?" Ulquiorra's voice seems haunting now, though I can see genuine concern in his eyes. I hate it. I brush some of my hair back and leer at him, a fake smile forcing its way out of me.

"Just tired from practice," I lie easily.

"I see." Silently, I can fill in the sappy words: You can talk to me if you need to. Of course I know that. Of course I know that he'd want to talk to me, and that I need to talk to him most.

But I don't want to do that.

"Alright then," I brighten my smile and start the car, focusing on something else.

.

His scream is blaringly loud.

The first thing on my mind is confusion. Then, Hell no. After that, it's that I need a fucking shower.

Because, fuck, I just had a wet dream.

I had a wet dream about Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra, of all people. And I know what it means this time.

Gaygaygay.

My mind won't stop playing these scenes, the ones making me uncomfortable—I've never had this type of dream before—and yet made me feel pleasure, 'cuz otherwise I wouldn't have woken up with a hard on brought by Ulquiorra. The cold water is supposed to help me, but instead I'm thinking of Ulquiorra's hands, which are this cold normally.

The dream means two things to me: I think Ulquiorra's hot and I confuse him with a girl way too often. Because even though I can't like him like that, I do like him like that.

But, I can't. I really shouldn't even be having this problem.

And I can't get the images out of my head. They're on a constantly repeating cycle, and I change the water temperature to hot. I want it to scald my skin and burn everything away.

There were the parts of the dream where Ulquiorra kissed me agonizingly slow, pushing me against the grass and smirking while he kissed my neck. . . . Gay, I tell myself, stroking and squeezing and fuck this.

Ulquiorra took off his uniform and threw his clothes across the field, his body hot as his fingers worked on my shirt and pants, leaving boxers that were tossed aside when we fucked under the tree. . . Gay! I push the thought aside, letting my hands do all the work.

Where a smile was hinting on Ulquiorra's face when I was the dominant one—because I'd been the bottom for a large portion of this dream, unfortunately—and I made him come so many times, so many times. . . Gay. I come.

I don't feel even a little better when I finish my shower.

"Why'd I dream about that?" But I know why, and I can't even deny it now.

Just might be gay. . .

More than anything, I don't want to see Ulquiorra today. I don't want to see his smug little face because he probably knows what he does in my dreams.

I dress slowly, as I'm getting into the uniform that, in my dream, Ulquiorra threw aside before he crawled between my legs and sucked—My face burns, and I try not to think about it. (Because it's a sign of gaygaygay.)

Something nags at me through breakfast, because this dream tells me that I'm suspiciously gay for a certain Ulquiorra Cifer.

I am fucking gay.

Attracted to guys, interested in fucking up the ass, all that shit. And it means the rest of the day is going to be awkward when I see him. I have to drive him to school today.

I'm lost in thoughts and I'm fucking nauseous. Gay. Wet dream. Gay. Ulquiorra. Gay.

The realization doesn't even come as a shock to me. It's all been a point of denying until now, I guess.

What a rip-off.

The eyes of the pictures on the walls, the statues, the Ten Commandments, everything taunts me as I move forward. This so-called God is screwing with my head.

I walk slowly, hoping for who knows what, but at my car, I make the mistake of looking directly at Ulquiorra's face. My body feels hot and I stare at the ground, because I know that if I look anywhere else I'm going to think of having sex there.

Ulquiorra stands there awkwardly, oblivious as hell to what I'm thinking of. His uniform normally covers all of his skin, but today it doesn't cover enough. Why is he doing this to me? "Are you—"

I push him so hard he trips backward. My hands are burning because of the contact with his skin.

You are so gay.

.

Everything feels new and awkward. Nnoitra is still an ass, but now I don't feel up to arguing with him. Classes where girls are flirting with me seem like even more of a waste of time. Art is a test of ignoring Ulquiorra properly. Gym. . .

The locker room, fucking hell, the locker room is the worst invention in the world.

I've never dealt with this before. The curiosity, the wondering of what exactly is underneath it all.

To think, I used to make fun of people for this. Will people make fun of me?

.

She looks at me and smiles. Ulquiorra watches this from hearing distance with a blank look on his face.

Before I can change my mind, I run my fingers through my hair—messing it up even more as I realize that she and I both have unusual hair colors—and force myself to smile back. "Is that a yes?"

Neliel laughs and throws herself at me in the most painful hug I've ever been forced through. But I'm forcing myself through this. It was my choice. I hear her squealing when her face is pressed against my chest. "Yes! Of course it's a yes!" Ulquiorra blinks at me from beside the car, as though he's fucking innocent. "It's a date!"

Gay? No one has to know.

.

"You mad?" I can't look at him. I've lost it. I've fucking lost it. I'm guilty and angry and sorry and fucking regretting everything.

"About?" Ulquiorra has no idea what's going through my mind. He seems too calm, staring out the window. He brushes some of his hair out of his face. Is he hurt or unaffected or what? I don't know.

"You know what." I tell myself to forget the dream of him and think of Nel.

"I play no role in your decisions, Grimmjow. Do you want me to be angry?" Ulquiorra stares at me oddly, expressionless, as usual. I can never tell what goes through his mind, but I think I like it better when he was looking out the window.

"Just asking," I laugh. I try to focus on driving. My mouth is dry, and I suddenly want to ask a question that I probably know the answer to. "What was on your mind the day before we stopped being friends?" I spit it out kind of harshly, but Ulquiorra never seems to mind. I've tried not to remember that day for so long, it's weird being the one to bring it up.

He tries to find something in my face, and I turn the car around the corner, focusing mainly on not crashing. "What?"

"You know." I don't want to say anything. "What were you thinking the day before I went to middle school, when you ended our friendship?"

"I don't—"

"You tried to fucking kiss me, Ulquiorra!" I shout, holding tightly onto the steering wheel. He sits in silence for a few minutes. "You decided we didn't need to be friends anymore, and then now. . ."

Our past friendship lead to this one. It doesn't have the same feel as the first one did. There's more tension. This friendship, it was partly my decision but partly his, too.

He closes his eyes and turns away. "Is this a joke between you and your friends?" I wish this was just a joke. A big fucking joke where I'm so completely straight. Ulquiorra wouldn't be in my life. But I don't fully want that. "Is this to see if I still like you?" Ulquiorra's voice is soft, as always. He sounds expressionless, but I pretend to hear nervousness so I don't feel as bad. Of course, I'm asking him this days after we hugged at Homecoming.

A hug that made all this shit start and end and everything.

"Just tell me." I focus on the dashboard, feeling the burning on my face, the fast beat of my heart. Ulquiorra looks at me, and I hate that I'm asking. We sit in silence.

"You want to know why I tried to—"

"Yeah." I don't want to hear him say the words.

He's quiet for a while, like he's trying to find the right way to say it. "I wanted to." When he sees that I'm not impressed, he continues, "I was. . . attracted to you for a while. As you obviously rejected my advances, I didn't want to make everything awkward for you." He pauses before adding, "It seemed like the right thing to do, and I'd never imagined we would eventually continue the friendship."

"Oh." The car's at a red light, and all I can think is Wow. My eyes search his face, taking in everything in a different light. I've never felt this way before. I want to kiss him.

"Why are you asking?" He doesn't sound suspicious, but he could be, for all I know.

"I was always curious." I turn the corner. "I guess deep down, I never wanted us to not be friends," I add, because I know I hurt him before. I might as well get it out in the open.

"Oh," he mimics my earlier reaction and lets out a small breath when I park the car in front of our houses.

I want to kiss him. His gaze is like spiders, creeping down my body, writhing, twisting, tangling itself into my skin and making me uncomfortable. He glances at me awkwardly before nodding and leaving the car. When he walks away, I hate him.

But then he turns back, and I know it's not true.

XD Isn't it about time that this realization came?

I'm so sorry for the delay in posting this. I know the quality (and the length) of this chapter don't even begin to make up for the months I've kept you waiting. I'm sorry! *dies* I'm not going to abandon this story. (Expect less that fifteen chapters for this, though. Around ten was the original plan, and it most likely won't change because I have another GrimmUlqui story I want to write. XD)

Thank you so much for the reviews for last chapter! I've never gotten so many for one chapter before, and they were so beautiful and inspiring and kept me writing even with crap from real life going on. Thankyouthankyouthankyou! I'll make it up to you somehow! =P

Despite the suckiness of this chapter (and, ohmygosh, it really sucks, doesn't it?), I hope you can tolerate it. ;)