(A/N: Warning, this is a Twilight-bashing fic. I'm somewhat nice to Jacob, because he's really not that bad of a character, except for the crap that was "Breaking Dawn" and force-kissing Bella in "Eclipse," however, I don't like Twilight, so if you don't like to see Edward Cullen and Bella Swan ridiculed, don't read it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Full Metal Alchemist or Twilight. Sure wish I owned FMA, but Stephanie Meyer can keep Twilight.

The sun was shining over Central City, birds were chirping, little children were smiling… It seemed like a perfect day.

Poor blind Amestrians.

Ed and Winry were sitting under a tree in a park. They had just come to visit Central City, but Winry had dragged him to the park, saying the weather was too good to waste, although Al had opted out and was still at the hotel. Let's listen in on their conversation.

"Dammit, Winry, why'd you bring your wrench? We're at the park!"

"I'm keeping it around. One never knows when I might get mad at you and need it."

"Get mad at me? Why would you get mad at-"

*Clang*

"Well, for instance, you might be yelling at me for bringing my wrench along."

"If you hadn't brought your wrench, we wouldn't be having this conversation, so you wouldn't get mad at me and hit me on the head with your wrench!"

"Don't be silly, Ed. You always make me mad. Besides, if I were you, I'd be more worried about how your head sounded like metal."

"What?"

"Shut up, Ed. That old lady over there is watching us. She seems to think I'm mugging you."

Unfortunately, we must step away from this romantic little scene, for a curious pricking in my thumbs tells me that something interesting is going to happen.

An odd sound floated through the air, sounding much like the tearing of cloth. Ed and Winry sat up and witnessed a strange pair heading towards them. There was a teenage girl and boy, the girl riding on the boy's back. The boy had messy bronze hair and golden/ocher/blah-blah-blah-If-you-want-a-list-of-synonyms-for-"golden"-go-read-freaking-Twilight-but-you're-not-finding-it-here eyes. He was sparkling. It was disturbing. The girl was slumped over, so you could only see her dark hair.

"Hm. Bella, we seem to have accidentally stumbled into another world, " the boy ruminated. He was still sparkling. It was still disturbing.

"…she's sleeping." Ed rolled his eyes.

"Ah, I had not noticed. Thank you, " the boy bowed, completely sincere. While sparkling. It was even more disturbing. "Pray tell, what is your name?"

"Edward Elric, " glared Ed.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance. My name… is Edward Cullen."

Perhaps Eddie Cullen here expected everyone to bow in awe.

Not going to happen, mate.

"Argh! You!" Ed jumped up, pointing his finger accusingly at Edward Cullen.

"Um, yes. Me?" Edward Cullen raised an eyebrow condescendingly.

"Yes, you! You're the one who's been messing up my life! Sending all those crazy fangirls! I've had a bad enough time with fangirls showing up already! Edvy fans, RoyEd fans, Elricest fans, and then you sent in all those insane fangirls that constantly squealed, 'EEEEEEDWARD!11! ONE! ONE! We heard there was an Edward here! With golden eyes! WE MUST HAVE HIM!' They broke into our room and attacked Al! Of course, he was fine, but they really pissed me off! What's worse, our room reeked of cheap, too-sweet perfume!" Ed ranted.

Edward Cullen raised his other eyebrow. Screw Edward-freaking-Cullen, trying to patronize to the Edward Elric. "I see. So where are theses fangirls now?" he asked in condescending tones.

"The author deported them. She said they were cluttering up her notebook, their squealing was killing her ears, and she couldn't stand their ditzy music. And they were stealing all of her dark chocolate. It was pretty much the chocolate stealing that drove here over the edge. She was throwing stuff all over the place and screeching like a harpy," Ed explained.

"That was good chocolate, dammit, " a voice swore vehemently. Everybody turned around to see the source of the voice. A short, possibly Xingese girl with long black hair and spiky bangs stepped out of the air as naturally as if she was simply stepping out of a car.

"And who are you?" asked Edward Cullen.

"I'm the authour of this fic!" the girl indignantly replied, while Winry said at the same time, "She's the authour."

"Hey, how'd ya know?" the girl turned to ask Winry.

"You're screeching like a harpy."

`"Oh, thanks, thanks," the girl said cheerfully.

"How are we to be sure that you are truly the author?" Edward Cullen interrupted.

"There is a sign in the sky, " the girl spoke mysteriously, solemnly pointing up. Their eyes followed the direction her finger was pointed towards, until they lit upon the giant neon billboard hovering above the girl, on which the words "THE AUTHOUR" were clearly stated, complete with an arrow that always pointed at the girl.

"It follows me around, " the girl explained, walking around in a circle to demonstrate.

"What exactly is the point of a giant neon billboard?" Winry raised an eyebrow.

"Come on, haven't you always wanted to have a giant neon billboard following you around above your head?"

"Uh, no. Not really."

"Well, then, I… am Edward Cullen, " Edward Cullen announced benevolently, as if bestowing a great honour.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, " the girl brushed him off. "Call me 'Jay', " she offered to Winry and Ed.

"That's not even your real name, " Ed protested. "Your name is Ja-"

"Shut up, Ed, " Jay quickly interrupted him. "I'm using 'Jay'. It's my freaking name, anyways, not yours."

"Fine. Why are you here, Jay?" Ed asked, nodding at her.

"Eddie Cullen over there was bugging the shit outta me, " Jay said frankly. "So, I wrote myself in to bitch slap him."

"Excuse me, perhaps you did not hear me correctly, " Edward Cullen broke in again. "I… am Edward Cullen."

Jay's expression darkened for a moment, before dropping her eyelids in a carefully blank mask. "Heard you the first time, mate, Mänwe knows I wish I hadn't."

Edward Cullen gaped at her.

"But I'm Edward Cullen! Aren't you going to scream, or beg me to take off my shirt, so you can be dazzled by my gloriously sparkling marble muscles?"

"Why would I do something as idiotic as that?" Jay glared at him.

"Because I am Edward Cullen, and you are a female! All women adore me!"

"That's it!" Jay screeched. (In exceedingly harpy-ish tones.) She stalked over to him and deliberately slapped his face, once, twice, putting such force into it that his head snapped to the side each time.

"I am sick and tired of your bullshit! You think you're God's gift to women? Right! I can tell you, there are plenty of sane females who do not adore you! You are not hot! You are not sexy! You're a freaking douchebag! You freaking sparkle! You're a freaking stalker! You show all the signs of a freaking abusive boyfriend! So just shut up! SHUT THE HELL UP."

At this point, Jay was screaming in Edward Cullen's face, her voice reaching pitches that rivaled even Sarah Brightman in The Phantom of the Opera.

"Owww…" Edward Cullen groaned in pain. "Why am I suddenly unable to dodge your blows? And why does my skin not block it? I can't hear any thoughts, either…"

Jay smiled a deeply disturbing smile.

"I wrote those out."

"But… why?" Edward Cullen begged.

"They were ridiculous. Edward Elric over here trained for his fighting skills, and went through freaking hell."

"Don't remind me, " Ed growled, shuddering slightly.

Because, really.

Izumi Curtis is one kickass lady.

"But, but…" Edward Cullen began blubbering, tears pouring down his perfect marble face from his blah-blah-blah eyes.

"Oh, shut up, " Jay rolled her eyes.

"Oooh…" a new voice said. Everybody turned towards the source.

"Crap…" Jay muttered.

Bella Swan was swaying, but awake, her eyes locked on a muscular golden-eyed figure.

Edward Elric.

"Golden eyes… Hair colour described as some kind of metal… Named Edward… Good enough! EEEEHHHH!" Bella began squealing.

"How the hell does she know my name?" Ed yelled over the painfully high-pitched screaming, which was even worse than Jay's earlier rant.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?" Jay yelled back.

"You're the author!"

"I don't plan everything! I wasn't even going to show up, but once Edward Cullen came in, he pissed me off!"

"Whatever! Just get this crazy person off of me!" Ed interrupted. By now, Bella had latched onto his leg and was drooling, still squealing all the while.

Jay paused, a sadistic gleam in her eyes.

"Hang on a sec, Ed. Think of all the potential fun in this situation."

"What I'm thinking of is the potential to contract rabies from this obviously insane person!"

Jay waved her hand impatiently.

"Okay, okay, just hang on a sec." She reached into the air, and pulled out a battered composition book with a mechanical pencil clipped onto the cover.

"Hm-mm, what should I write?" she mumbled thoughtfully. Her face abruptly lit up. "Ah-ha!" Jay began scribbling madly in her notebook.

"Suddenly, I am capable of hearing thoughts again!" Edward Cullen said gleefully.

"Only one person's thoughts. And guess who's?" Jay mocked in a singsong voice, glancing pointedly over at Bella Swan.

Edward Cullen's jaw dropped in horror.

"Bella! Why are you imagining him shirtless when you have me?"

"Argh!" Ed started shouting again. "Get her off of me!"

"Do it yourself!" Jay shouted back. "Izumi Curtis would be ashamed of you."

Ed reared back and delivered a powerful blow to the head that knocked Bella Swan out.

"That was sick, " he muttered.

Jay smirked. "Can't say I blame her. I'd like to see that myself."

"What?" Winry said.

Jay looked over apologetically. "Sorry, Winry. Hot man like Ed, it's only natural."

"Still!"

"I said I'm sorry! I don't do the whole 'groveling on your knees' bit!" Jay looked over at Edward, who was on his knees in front of Bella.

"Bella, oh, Bella… I thought you loved me… I realize I am far too dangerous… Is that why you do not want me anymore? Perhaps I should leave, so you can be safe…" he moaned.

"Yeah, like that worked out well the last time you tried it, " Jay rolled her eyes.

"Why did I want to write a crossover again? Oh yeah, I wanted to mock Twilight." Jay crossed over to Bella's prone form and administered a swift kick to the head. (It must be admitted that it was not gentle in any way.) It served its purpose, waking Bella up. Bella got to her feet again, her forehead wrinkled in bewilderment.

"What just happened?" she asked, before catching sight of Edward Elric once more. "He is like my very own Greek god, " she whispered melodramatically.

"Thank you, darling, " Edward Cullen sighed in relief, sure that Bella really meant him. She just forgot to look at him, because she had been so stunned by his beauty. That must have been what happened, right? And she was just thinking about Edward Elric because he was in her line of sight, right? Right.

Wrong. Delusional fool.

His illusions were quickly shattered, when Bella leapt manically in Ed's direction, before meeting with an efficient kick to the stomach, throwing her to one side, and knocking her out again.

"Don't wake her up!" Ed glared at Jay, who was snickering.

"It's- just- too- funny!" She choked out between helpless laughter. "You get the wildest looks on your face."

"Shut up, " he grumbled. He turned away, opening his mouth to tell Winry they'd better go, when he spotted a familiar character.

"You're kidding me, " he muttered.

Edward Cullen peeked over towards where Ed was watching, a sullen expression coming over his face

"No."

"Sucker, " Jay gloated. For it was indeed Jacob Black who was headed towards them.

"Why isn't he wearing a shirt?" Winry whispered to Jay, who frowned thoughtfully.

"I'm not really sure what he looks like with a shirt."

Ed slapped his hand to his forehead. "You're not sure what this guy looks like with a shirt? What the hell?"

"Well, geez, all the advertisements I've seen of him had him shirtless!" Jay said defensively.

"What kind of an ad campaign does this guy run?"

"Dude. It's Twilight."

"Hi, " Jacob Black greeted them readily.

"How many characters are you going to write in?" Ed complained to Jay, who ostentatiously ignored him.

"What's wrong with Bella?" Jacob asked the group.

"She's, erm, sleeping, " Edward Cullen said hastily.

"Ed knocked her out, " Jay blurted out with a smile, bouncing up and down a little on the balls of her feet, clearly hoping for a fight.

"Oh. Cool, " Jacob sat down by Bella.

"You're not worried?" Winry asked.

"Nah, 's all good. She could probably use the sleep, anyways. Bet she stays up too late, thanks to her BF over there."

"I object!" Edward Cullen flung back his head. "We never did anything."

"Of course you didn't, " Jacob explained patiently. "All you two ever do is touch each other's faces and talk about dangerous love."

"Ouch," Jay smirked. "Although, in 'Breaking Dawn', they did constantly screw around. Like, non-stop."

Jacob winced. "Don't even mention 'Breaking Dawn' to me."

"Aww…" Jay patted his shoulder cautiously. "It's okay. It's not your fault; it's Mrs. Meyer who turned you into a pedophile. We all understand that you don't actually like screwing babies."

"I don't even want to know, " Winry crossed her arms in front of her.

They all sat there awkwardly, until Jay jumped up.

"Okay! This is boring, lets cause an explosion."

"Don't cause more destruction, I already have a reputation! Do you know how long it'll take me to fix everything, even with alchemy?" Ed objected.

"No, and I don't particularly care. I can always write the stuff back to normal. This isn't Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles or xxxHOLIC, where doing that would screw up everything."

Blank looks. Jay sighed. "Those are more awesome series. Look, I'll write you guys a crossover of that sometime. But I'm bored right now."

"I don't really think blowing up a building is a good idea," Jacob said.

Jay rolled her eyes. "Fine, then I'll write a PWP of you and Edweird instead.

Jacob turned slightly pale beneath his tan-to-disgrace-all-tans. "You wouldn't."

Jay grinned viciously. "Would I?"

"Please don't."

"Quit messing with him, " Ed said. Jay turned and pointed dramatically at Ed. "Don't you start in, or I'll write you in and make it a threesome."

Cue horrified stares.

A siren suddenly began blaring. As their heads swiveled towards the sound, a large white van drove up to them. The logo emblazoned on the side read "The Fiction Border Police". Men in black suits began jumping out the back. One grabbed Edward Cullen. He began speaking rapidly into a walkie-talkie, "We have apprehended the male illegal immigrant character. I repeat, we have apprehended the male illegal immigrant character. Do you copy?"

"I beg your pardon, but whatever are you doing?" said Edward. Jay rolled her eyes again, causing Winry to absentmindedly wonder whether Jay lived in a constant state of disdain.

"They're arresting you, genius."

Jacob blinked. "Do border police usually act like that?"

"That's not important," Winry pointed out reasonably. "They catch fictional characters, not real people."

"Whatever," Jay said, waving her hand. "As long as we get rid of him."

Ed turned towards her with a blank look on his face. "Couldn't you have just written him out?"

"Of course not! I didn't write him in."

The head Fiction Border Police officer nodded. "That is exactly why we're arresting these two. Normally when an authour writes a crossover, the entering characters are automatically given temporary visas. These two never applied, but discovered them through the changed unfolding events."

Edward huffed, "Then why do you not arrest that dog over there?"

Jacob smirked and held up a visa. "Jay wrote me in, remember? I was automatically given a visa."

"Huh? But if Jay didn't write Edward Cullen in, how did he get here?" Ed asked.

Jay shrugged. "He showed up randomly. What, it happens!" she protested in response to the upward glances of impatience that practically begged the sky, "Why-the-hell-did-we-get-stuck-with-this-horribly-impotent-authour." Thanks, guys, really appreciate it.

"No, seriously! It's not like I'm omnipotent; I mean, for the love of the Valar, this was originally going to be an EdWin piece of fluff! Ed was going to teach Winry the proper form for punching people!"

Winry paused and said thoughtfully, "That would actually be pretty fun. Eddd…" She smiled sweetly at him, eyes sparkling. Ed's face turned red.

"Um, h-how ab-bout tomorrow?"

"Yay!" Winry said, hugging Ed, who promptly got even redder, before awkwardly putting his arms around her.

"Finally," Jay sighed.

"What is it now?" Jacob asked.

"EdWin fan, remember?" Jay said as she woke Bella up. With another kick to the head, but hey, at least Jay's getting her anger out!

Jacob nodded seriously. "Of course."

He was cut off, however, by Bella's immediate squealing, "EEEEHHHH! It's a hot guy!" Bella sprung at Ed, tearing at his signature red coat.

"WHY'D YOU WAKE HER UP THIS TIME?" Ed yelled explosively at Jay.

"So they can get her out of here!"

"She's trying to rip my shirt off!"

"Not my problem!"

"Screw you!"

"Right back 'at ya."

"Get. Her. Off. Of. Me."

"Why?"

"JUST DO IT, DAMMIT! AUGH, NO, WAIT, GIVE ME MY SHIRT BACK, YOU INSANE TWILIGHT FEMALE!"

*clang* Bella suddenly collapsed, her incessant squealing finally silenced. Everybody turned warily towards Winry, who stood there with an angry expression, firmly clenching a shining silver wrench.

"She went too far, " Winry said darkly.

A beat of silence.

"Duuude- That was awesome! She's almost got a hole in her head! Her skull's, like, partially caved in! Winry-sensei, teach me to do that! Be my mentor!" Jay knelt down in front of Winry.

"Good work, Miss Rockbell," the Fiction Border Police officer shook Winry's hand.

"Aw, geez, I gotta go now. I'll see you guys later!" Jay waved cheerfully.

"Please don't," Ed muttered.

"C'mon, Jacob, we've got to get you back to your series," Jay plowed on. And with a *poof*, Jay, Jacob, Edward Cullen, Bella Swan, and the Fiction Border Police all disappeared. It was quiet and peaceful once more.

"Finally," Ed groaned.

The End.

(A/N: Clarifying about Jay- She's actually not really me, she's more of a crazy OC that reflects me in some aspects and differs in others, seeing as I'm not fond of self-inserts. I really do like Edward Elric, but Jay seems to be antagonistically friendly. Apologies regarding Winry, I couldn't really get her voice. So, read and review, please? This is my first foray into crossovers, and I think I'd like to try another. So, yeah, be nice and review so I can improve as a writer; even one-sentence reviews are amazing. Cheers, LOTRjunkie.

Edited: February 13, 2011- It still makes me cringe, but I cleaned up a few mistakes and added in a little dialogue.