Sookie and Bella's Excellent Adventure:

A True Blood / Twilight Sample Parody for the Dead Pan Contest

A/N: Thank you so much to the lovely and talented LanYap for writing this hilarious pimpin' fic for our contest!.

These fics are to die for! Go read now! You can also enter yourself by May 15th!

http:// www. fanfiction. net /u /2231715 / Dead_Pan_Contest (remove spaces)

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Charlaine Harris, HBO, Alan Ball, and Stephenie Meyer own everything Sookie and Bella related. Eric owns himself, and maybe a few dreams too.

I was slinging po-boys and Abita beers in Merlotte's one night when she walked in, all mopey and grunged out. Her hair was a tangled mess, and she wore over-sized clothes fitted for a boy.

"Can I help you?" I greeted her with my best Sookie smile after she sat down at a table in my section.

"Yeah, I'm, ah … looking for someone," she said, eyes downcast.

"Really, who?"

She looked up at me. "My vampire boyfriend."

I rolled my eyes. "You too, huh? Mine took off after proposing to me. So, I guess that technically makes him my fiancé." Whatever. "Yours better not be named Bill too, by the way." I sucked in my cheeks.

"No, his name is Edward. He told me he had to leave, and he didn't want me to go with him."

"And that makes you want to search for him?"

She nodded. That sounded silly, so I tried to peek into her thoughts, but I got a wall of resistance. She must have excellent shields for someone so dour looking.

"Honey, why are you looking for him here?"

"I've heard there's a vampire in Bon Temps who's created a database of all the vampires in the world. I was hoping he could search for my boyfriend, and tell me where he is."

I wasn't certain, but that sure sounded like something Bill Compton could be cooking up.

"Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that vampire is my missing boyfriend."

"Isn't there anyone else who can help me?" She gave me a sad look.

"There actually might be." There was someone I needed to pay a visit to, and I was thinking this girl gave me a second good reason to go.

"What's going on, Sookie?" Sam had walked over from the bar.

"Sam, this here is … what's your name, hon?"

"Bella."

"She's looking for someone."

"Hi, Bella. Welcome to Merlotte's. Sookie, can I see you for a minute?"

Sam was looking at me kind of funny and motioning away from the table.

"Be right back, Bella."

I followed Sam behind the bar.

"What's up?"

"Sookie, that girl stinks to high heaven."

"I know, Sam! Poor girl needs a bath."

"No, I mean she smells of Were. And not just any Were, but the nasty Northwest Pacific kind. They can disfigure their loved ones, then blame it on the moon, and not take any responsibility."

"She didn't say anything about Weres. But she's so down, I'd like to try to help her out." Even if it's getting her a push up bra, and out of that hideous lumberjack shirt, I thought.

"You be careful, Sookie."

"You know me, Sam." I gave him my crazy Sookie grin.

"By the way, Sook, have you heard from Bill at all?"

I got a sudden flash from Sam's shifter brain of him and Bill. They were naked and humping against a tree.

"Eww, Sam! That's my boyfriend! How could you?"

Sam gave me shrug as I stormed off, flustered. I was heading back over to Bella's table, when Lafayette called out, "Order up!"

Shit. I forgot I was still working. I grabbed the tray of food Lafayette had placed on the counter.

"Hookah, what's up with dat po white bitch? She look like someone done told her her dog dead." Lafayette dropped a basket of shrimp into the fryer.

"Lafayette, don't talk to me about dogs right now!" I shuddered.

"Girl, you is all uptight! I done told you Bill ain't good fo yo skinny blonde ass." Lafayette was thinking that I needed to get fucked good and hard by a real vampire. I got a snap from Lafayette's thoughts of Eric taking him from behind in the walk-in freezer. The image was actually hot, even in the freezer. But I felt jealous 'cause of my own special dreams I'd been having of Eric. Wait, what the fuck was going on here?

"I need to serve my customers," I huffed, and carried the tray over to the designated table. When I was finished waiting on everyone there, I walked back over to Bella. At least her mind was quiet, even if she was a downer.

"Ok, hon, so I know you're human, but I can't read your mind and I'm a telepath. And you smell like a Were, but you're not."

"You're a telepath?" Bella's dull eyes lit up. "Cool. Yeah, I've been told I'm pretty closed off, so that might explain why you can't read me. Oh, and I have a good friend who's a werewolf. We rebuild motorcycles together."

"He doesn't have tattoos and a hankering for Nazi biker chicks, does he?" Bella looked at me, confused. "Oh, never mind. That's okay, hon. I've got friends of all races, creeds, and species myself. Look, I'm getting off work in ten minutes. Then, I can take you to someone who might help us find your boyfriend." Our boyfriends, I thought.

With a great deal of effort, Bella gave me a smile. It sorta gave me the chills.

oOOOo

"Sookie Stackhouse. What a pleasure." Pam clucked.

"Save it, Pam. I'm here to see Eric."

We were standing outside Fangtasia. Pam was doing door duty. Bella was staring at all the fangbangers milling around the entrance. In the car on the way over, she told me she had never heard of fangbangers, which I thought was strange, but she was from up north, so maybe they weren't so open about vampire-human relations as we southerners were.

"Who's this scrumptious young thing?" Pam licked her lips as her eyes grazed over my new friend.

"This is Bella."

Bella looked back at Pam in awe. I guess she hadn't seen many vampires dressed in laced-up leather corsets and high heel fuck me boots.

"I'm going to need to see some I.D."

"She's under-aged, Pam, but we're not here to drink. We're here to see Eric."

"No can do. No minors allowed. It's the law." Pam looked at her manicured nails with a bored air.

"You better let us in, 'cause if you don't, I'll just go in myself and make a scene."

"Always with the drama, Sookie." Pam sighed. "Very well." She opened the door, and I gestured for Bella to go in front of me.

As soon as we stepped inside, Bella's eyes went wide, and she pointed wildly.

"It's … Edward!"

I followed her outstretched finger to its target.

What the hell?

Eric was sitting on his throne in the middle of the room, texting on his phone. His blond hair was now a dark bronze, and in harsh spikes jotting up in every direction.

"That's not Edward, that's Eric." I muttered under my breath. "Come on."

I pulled Bella by the hand, yanking her through the crowd.

As we got closer, Eric looked up. He had a sly grin on his face.

"Hello, Sookie."

"Eric, what happened to your hair?"

"I posed for the cover of Vampire Quarterly. They wanted to do something different. It's the new me. You like?" Eric cocked his head slightly so I could get a better view.

"Uh, no, not really, Eric." It was hideous, but Eric was still a sight to behold. He was wearing a well-fitted, black wife-beater which accentuated his toned arms, and tight blue jeans which highlighted something, er, else. I took a deep breath. Even with fucked up hair, Eric was hot. Just like in my reoccurring dreams ...

Ooh, don't go there, Sookie!

Eric laughed, his eyes raking over my bosoms. He had been especially attentive to them in my dreams too …

Ooh! I clenched my fists. Must. Not. Go. There.

Eric touched his hair. "Pam's fixing it back after we close tonight. In the meantime, I'm enjoying the shocked stares." Eric glanced from me to Bella. Then he gave her his focused attention.

Bella looked back at Eric, transfixed. At first I thought she was surprised because she realized he wasn't her boyfriend, but then it dawned on me.

"Oh, for Christ's sakes, Eric, stop trying to glamour her!"

"For some reason I can't." Eric shrugged.

Bella continued to stare at Eric, and then I remembered why. 'Cause he's Eric!

"Yeah, I can't read her thoughts either," I replied. "You'll just have to talk to her like you do me."

"Tell me why you have brought this pale girl to me, Sookie."

I sighed. "She's looking for her vampire boyfriend."

"Really?" Eric laughed. He stared at Bella. "What's his name, girl?"

"Edward Cullen."

Eric snorted. "Edward Cullen? Of the Carlisle Cullen clan?"

"Yes."

Eric roared with laughter. "Edward is your boyfriend?"

"Yes."

He snickered, "Tell me, Bella, how goes the no biting and fucking?"

"Eric!" I yelled.

"Sookie, they don't ever feed from humans, even from the willing, and Edward's a ridiculous 105-year-old virgin."

I gasped. Gosh, I thought being a virgin at twenty-six was hard. What was the point in living forever if sex wasn't part of the equation? What a dull life. I must say the appeal to me of having a vampire boyfriend (besides the quiet) was precisely because they did fuck and suck, and they did it so well. I had only experienced Bill in the sack, but Eric and I had gotten down and dirty in my dreams, and after 1,000 years of experience, he was …

Ooh! Stop it, Sookie!

I shook the images of me and Eric in flagrante delicto out of my head, and turned to Bella. "Is this true about Edward? And why would you date such a loser?"

"'Cause he loves me."

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, please." I'd heard that line before.

"Let's go to my office." Eric rose from his chair, and began walking to the back. Bella stood still, looking at me, all doe-eyed. This girl was beginning to bug the crap out of me.

"Come on." I jerked her hand, pulling her through the throng of fangbangers, towards the hall and Eric's office.

oOOOo

Eric was at his desk, typing on his computer. Bella and I sat on the couch, me with my gin and tonic, and Bella with a Shirley Temple. After a few moments, Eric said, "Found him."

"Where?" Bella and I echoed.

"Edward Cullen is in the hospital. The mental hospital." Eric shook his head. "He's a patient at the Vampire Psychiatric Clinic in Minneapolis. He was committed for clinical depression, borderline personality disorder, stalking a human, and attempting suicide."

Huh. I didn't know there were mental hospitals for vampires. "Who commits a vampire to a psych ward?"

"A family member can." Eric looked at me pointedly, and said, "That was never an option for Godric, Sookie. He was very old, and determined, and a child cannot commit a maker. Edward is young, and has been exhibiting abnormal behavior for some time. His maker committed him."

"Can I go see him?" Bella asked hopefully.

"Human visitors are not allowed."

Bella stifled a sob, and began pouting.

"Oh, for God's sake, Bella!" I said, "He was a bad boyfriend! He was stalking you, and treating you like crap! And you didn't even have good sex with him to make up for all that bullshit!"

Eric cleared his throat. "Pot calling kettle. Oh, by the way, I found Bill."

"What?!" I jumped up.

Eric motioned with his hand for me to sit back down. "Don't get all excited, Sookie. He's with his maker in Mississippi."

"Lorena, the bitch?"

"Yes. I don't know the exact circumstances, or why he's there. But I guess this means another road trip for us." Eric waggled his eyebrows.

Before I could respond, Pam entered the office. "What's the 411 on the missing boyfriends?"

"Sookie and I are going to Jackson to fetch Bill," Eric said.

I motioned towards Bella, who now had her face in her hands. "This one just needs a spa treatment, and a new wardrobe."

"Maybe she needs the special attentions of a real vampire." Pam gave Bella a hungry stare as her fangs ran down.

Bella gulped, and looked sheepishly back at Pam.

I stood up, turning to Bella. "You okay with Pam taking care of you?" Bella smiled real big and nodded. Pam smirked, taking Bella's hand, "Come, my pet. We have work to do. Then we'll play." Bella's eyes lit up like brown torch lights, and she and Pam left the room.

"Ok, now that's all settled, I need to go home and get some rest. Eric, when do we leave?"

"Tomorrow night. And Sookie, be sure to pack your beige lace thong." Eric winked.

I thought of the last dream I'd had of Eric, and how he had deliciously removed that beige lace thong.

A realization hit me. I took a deep breath. "Eric."

"Yes, Sookie." His grin was now very fangy.

"Be sure to dye your hair back to blond," I walked towards the door, "and comb it. I like to run my fingers through your hair, you know, in my dreams."

Eric was suddenly standing right in front of me. "In your dreams, Sookie?" His lips lingered over mine.

Uh, oh. What the hell was I doing? I was a novice playing chess with the master of seduction. And didn't I still have a boyfriend?

I pulled back. "What about Bill?"

"Bill who?" Eric trailed his lips up my neck, to the sensitive spot behind my ear.

"You know who," I said raggedly.

"No, not now." Eric pulled me into his arms and kissed me. It was a deep, languishing kiss that made my heart flutter, and my hoochie twitch. Damn.

Ginger's drawl interrupted the moment, "Master, there's someone here to see you."

"Who?" Eric said against my lips.

Ginger giggle-snorted, "He's sorta got hair like you, Master. Heeee-haaaaw." Jeeze Louise, that girl's laugh sounded like a donkey in heat.

Eric released me. "Where?"

Ginger pointed to the hall. Suddenly, a grim vampire with bad case of bed-head stepped through the doorway. I figured out quickly who he was, so I also ascertained the hair wasn't because of a good sex romp.

"Edward Cullen, you shouldn't be here." Eric growled.

"Where's Bella? I demand to see her!" Edward's face glowed, his skin twinkling in anger.

I stepped towards Edward, my hands raised, trying to defuse the situation. Edward grabbed my arm, but before I could cry out, Eric slammed him against the wall, his one hand holding Edward up in the air by the throat. Ginger screamed and ran out of the room.

The vision of the Viking incapacitating Edward like that, as the sparkly vampire kicked his legs around helplessly, made my girly parts moist.

Chow entered the room. "Get him out of here. Call his maker," Eric snarled. Chow grabbed Edward, flinging him over his shoulder.

Edward yelled, "Bell---aaa!! … Bell---aaa!!!" as Chow stormed out of the room.

Ok, Edward, so not Brando.

"Eric, will everything be okay?" I asked.

"Yes, we'll hold him until his maker, Carlisle, can take him back to the mental hospital."

I should have felt a little sad for him, but I didn't.

Eric was suddenly in front of me again.

"Sookie, my little bullet-sucker. Where were we?"

"Eric, my big bullshitter. You were right here." I pointed to my lips. As Eric kissed me, I realized I should feel bad for Bill too, but I didn't. I would go to Jackson and try to find him, because it was the right thing to do. But I had learned one thing from all the Bedward drama tonight: I was so over emo vampires.

The End (For Now…)