Mateus is Mr. Wonderful
I was playing The Emperor vs Cloud of Darkness and happened to be listening to Mr. Wonderful from DDR on the Youtube. This is a result of those coincidences. Humor. Mild character bashing. Made up as I go. May be OOC. I own nothing!
Chapter 1
Emperor Mateus of Palamecia was sitting idly in midair in his room in the makeshift HQ of the Chaos gang, which just so happened to be the Chaos Shrine. He gazed in an unfocused fashion at his scepter/staff or whatever it was as he levitated it absently with his hand.
What are those other pawns up to? he pondered to himself. Oh, well. Not that I care… The others were almost always off doing…whatever it was that they did in their free time and the puppetmaster was there holding down the fort, as usual, so to speak. Feeling the dullness of the day closing in on him, he gave a hand gesture towards his old, faithful jukebox in the corner of his room. It started up immediately but not with the music he'd painstakingly set it to.
Hey, Mr. Wonderful, oh you're so incredible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful, wonderful to me
His eye gave a twitch and he almost dropped his staff/scepter/thing as he glared over at the machine. As if its tracks had run amok on their own. He hovered to his feet and walked over to the thing to examine its playlist.
"Who the bloody hell tampered with my absolute playlist?" he muttered.
Suddenly, his door opened and Cloud of Darkness hovered in, her usual sneer in place. If Mateus didn't know better, he'd say that her face was stuck that way, surely as Sephiroth's face was stuck with its small smile that made him look far from intimidating. The Emperor looked over at CoD, hiding his current disdain with his music device. "Yes, Cloud of Darkness? Has something gone awry?"
"No, not that I know of," she replied in that eerie voice that made many people (Terra and Onion Knight in particular) shudder or (in the case of Terra and Onion Knight) wet themselves (figuratively, usually). "I merely heard that song," she pointed at the jukebox. "and it reminded me of you,"
"Oh?" one of his perfect eyebrows rose at this statement that he didn't expect to hear. "Are you saying that I am…" he listened to a couple more bars.
Hold me
I want to feel your arms around me
Kiss me
Only you can make me happy
He shuddered. "This…Mr. Wonderful?"
"Well," CoD shrugged nonchalantly. "That's what some of the others have said, though with sarcasm, mostly,"
"Hmph," Mateus turned away, his long sideburns slapping the infernal device that wouldn't quit playing that new-fangled techno music.
Oh, Mr. Wonderful
Are you for real?
It's not impossible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're so incredible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Wonderful to me
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're irresistible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
A miracle to me
"Are you aware who put this on my playlist?" The Emperor asked with a forced calm as he tore his eyes and ears from the song. CoD shook her head.
"It could have been anyone…" she replied.
"I see…" Mateus's eye twitched as he finally turned the jukebox off. "I need a walk…" He stepped towards the door. "Care to come along?"
They set off down the hall, passing by Ultimecia's bedroom, where they could hear her shouting her crazy plans through the door.
"I'm so miserable with no friends! Maybe I'll be happy when only I exist! Mwa, ha, ha!" she cackled, making even The Emperor fight the urge to shudder.
"And I thought that she was bonding with Kuja," CoD said with a shrug, taking as close a stab at a joke as she physically could.
"No, she was giving him a taste of Hell," Mateus replied, sarcasm concealed too well but still present.
"Oh. Perhaps I should have listened more closely," she replied. They both had to laugh at the sheer stupidity of the concept of Kuja being friends with anyone (poor Kuja!).
"He's not fit to befriend anyone!" Mateus stated, stopping when he saw a vending machine that was from who-knows-where. Strange, but he didn't recall the shrine having a vending machine; that wasn't going to stop him from getting a nutty caramel bar. He fished around in his pockets for a while, then realized his outfit had no pockets. "This is barely amusing…" he grumbled, staring through the machine's window at the candy bar he so wanted to buy. So what if he was on a diet and so what if an emperor needed to watch his weight.
"Where did this come from?" CoD finally asked. "And why does it expect us to spend gil on food?" She shot a weak laser at the glass and shattered it.
Why didn't I think of that? Mateus mused. Oh, well. "I aught extend thanks your way," he said, taking several candy bars from the machine while CoD did the same.
"It was merely one step closer to the Void," she replied.
I suppose that is her way of accepting my thanks. he thought with a shrug as he practically inhaled two candy bars at once.
Continuing their walk, now full of sugar, the Emperor remembered why he had started the walk at the outset.
"Why would anyone call me…Mr. Wonderful?" he asked with scorn on the last two words. CoD didn't answer right away. She seemed to be thinking.
"Well…" she looked quite determinedly at the ingredients list on her current candy bar's wrapper. "You're always taking care of the castle, making sure nothing goes awry, and, you're, well, powerful and handsome. You even take care of us when we're down, in your own way," Mateus had to turn his head away to examine some cracks in the wall to hide the slight blush appearing on his normally pale face.
"Does not Golbez do these things as well?" he replied, attempting to sound nonchalant and succeeding due to years of practice at sounding prose and arrogant.
"Yes…I suppose, but…" she didn't finish and teleported out without any warning.
So everyone admires me…? he pondered as he headed back to his room, ransacking the vending machine a second time on the way by. I suppose that shouldn't come as a surprise. After all, my reign is absolute. But… he sat back down on the floor and turned the jukebox back on, listening thoughtfully.
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh you're so incredible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Wonderful to me
Hey, Mr. Wonderful,
Oh you're irresistible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
A miracle to me
Hold me
I want to feel your arms around me
Kiss me
Only you can make me happy
Oh, Mr. Wonderful
Are you for real?
It's not impossible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're so incredible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Wonderful to me
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're irresistible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
A miracle to me
Touch me
It feels like heaven, I'm so lucky
Love me
Only you can make me happy
Oh, Mr. Wonderful
Are you for real?
It's not impossible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're so incredible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Wonderful to me
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
Oh, you're irresistible
Hey, Mr. Wonderful
A miracle to me
A miracle to me
A miracle to me
A miracle to me
A miracle to me
A miracle to me
Wait a minute…I believe I know who put this in my playlist… The Emperor rose up and grabbed his staff/scepter/thing, but, as the rest of the song played out, he found his temper rapidly cooling. Oh, dear, what a mess… He made a mental note to invite CoD along next time he went out to taunt Firion and make fun of his stupid dream. Furthermore, he had begun to develop an acceptance of the new-fangled techno music.
"IMBECILES!" Garland's voice suddenly shook the entire shrine. "WHO BROKE THE NEW VENDING MACHINE?! I'LL TWIST THEM INTO A KNOT!"
"His mind's gone bad," Mateus quickly teleported off to take himself up on that taunting date with CoD while everyone else vacated the premises for whatever trumped up reason they could think of. Everyone, that is, except the super-macho, and not-always-the-sharpest-sword-in-the-Fenrir ex-blitzer, Jecht.
"What the hell's all this racket about?!" he shouted, coming out of his bedroom with a bad hangover and more scruffy-looking than usual.
"MY NEW 50,000 GIL VENDING MACHINE IS RUINED!" Garland roared, smashing down a wall with his giant spear/sword/katana/thing.
"So? It still holds stuff!" Jecht replied.
Needless to say, the mess took the next week to clean up and Chaos gave everyone severely reduced pay to compensate for the damages.
Okay, so the plot deviated a little in the face of random humor. Well, anyway, review and hope someone got a laugh out of this little glimpse into the lives of the Dissidia Gang.