Danamite's Last Stand
A Play Written by Siobhan Sweeney
Act I
Scene I: The Enchanted Forest
*scene starts with Double Agent Danamite and Assisticant walking through The Enchanted Forest*
Double Agent Danamite: Assisticant, I'm bored! Sing a song to entertain me!
Assisticant: *singing* It's a small world after all…
Double Agent Danamite: No! Anything but that!
Assisticant: *singing* I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…
Double Agent Danamite: This isn't The Lion King!
Assisticant: Sorry, girl, but you said anything!
Double Agent Danamite: Come on! Sing something from Next to Normal. I LOVE Next to Normal!
Assisticant: *sighs, then sings* Mozart was crazy, flat fucking crazy… *hears crash* Hey, what the hell is going on?
Double Agent Danamite: I don't know. Come on! Let's go investigate!
*they find a tree dancing*
Double Agent Danamite, Assisticant: Oh…my…god…
Mayzie, the enchanted tree: *singing to the tune of Dancing Queen: Abba, off-key* Dancing tree, fricken sweet, shy of 23. Dancing tree, feel the heat from my dancing feet, hell yeah!
Assisticant: *whispers to Danamite* She sucks!
Mayzie: I DO NOT! I HEARD THAT!
Double Agent Danamite: Woo, she's crazy.
Mayzie: NO I AM NOT! I HEARD THAT TOO!
Double Agent Danamite: Well excuuuuuse me for telling the truth.
Mayzie: Truth of what? If it's the truth that you are a real son of a bitch, then I suppose you are right.
Double Agent Danamite: Hey, I'm just saying!
Mayzie: So am I. You'd best apologize 'fore I trample thee with my fantabulous dancing.
Double Agent Danamite: You mean suckish?
Mayzie: May I point out that I'm a dancing tree, and if I trample you, ya die?
Double Agent Danamite: *tries to stifle a giggle* No I wouldn't!
Mayzie: Let's test that theory then!
Assisticant: *panicking* Double Agent Danamite, we should get out of here! Like, right now!
Double Agent Danamite: I'm right behind you!
Mayzie: Come back here! Fight like a man!
Double Agent Danamite: No way, you cursed tree!
Mayzie: *sadly* Cursed? No, you got it wrong. I'm an enchanted tree.
Scene II: Outside of The Enchanted Forest
*Double Agent Danamite and Assisticant escape Mayzie's wrath*
Double Agent Danamite: *breathlessly* Whew, that was close. Assisticant… I need more entertainment. Sing more Next to Normal please.
Assisticant: *singing* Superboy and the Invisible Girl…
Gabe, Natalie G: Yes?
Assisticant: What the…
Gabe: Hey, my name is Gabriel Goodman, but call me Gabe. I'm dead. I've been dubbed as Superboy.
Natalie G: And I'm Natalie Goodman. I like drugs. I've been dubbed as the Invisible Girl because my parents are too busy with their fucked up lives to care for me.
Natalie Z: 'Scuse me, have any of you seen Double Agent Danamite?
Double Agent Danamite: Uh, I'd be her.
Natalie Z: Faboo! Well, hi! My name is Natalie Zizel, and I'm here with the morning report. There is a new evil villain that you have been assigned to fight against named The Lawyer.
Double Agent Danamite: Damn it! I thought we were through with those! My assisticant and I were about to leave for vacation.
Natalie Z: You're vacationing in The Enchanted Forest, home of the ever-shy, ever-lonely, ever-angry tree?
Double Agent Danamite: No, my assisticant and I just took a shortcut through there.
Natalie Z: Uh, okay… well, that was the morning report, brought to you by Ultra Clutch Hairspray. Now, would you like weather with Hollie Strano?
Double Agent Danamite: No.
Natalie Z: Okay. Well, bye! *leaves*
Assisticant: That was… awkward…
Natalie G: *angrily* She stole my name!
Gabe: Don't worry. Natalie Goodman is a much prettier name than Natalie Zizel.
Natalie G: Aw, thanks my late brother.
Gabe: I'm not late! I arrived here at the same time as you!
Natalie G: *face palm* Oh brother.
Gabe: So now I'm just brother?
Double Agent Danamite: *to Assisticant* Well, I guess we better check out this new evil villain. Come on!
Gabe, Natalie G: WAIT! WE'RE COMING TOO!
Scene III: The Lawyer's Office
*The Lawyer is sitting at her desk, filing her nails, while her evil minions, Benny and Roger, are sitting on the ground playing with Barbies*
The Lawyer: Oh minions!
Benny, Roger: *stand up, each holding a Barbie* At your service, madam.
The Lawyer: I want you to go out and find Double Agent Danamite. Tell her I have a surprise for her.
Benny, Roger: Aye-aye, madam.
The Lawyer: Good, now go on. Scoot. Be gone!
Benny, Roger: Aye-aye, madam. *throw Barbies to ground and run out*
The Lawyer: Ah, it's great to be an evil minion.
Double Agent Danamite: *enters office with Assisticant, Gabe and Natalie G* It won't be when I pound you.
The Lawyer: Like you could pound me! Not even in your dreams!
Double Agent Danamite: I'm not gonna. However…
Mayzie: *enters office with huge grin* Hola, que pasa?
The Lawyer: Oh my god, A TALKING TREE FROM SPAIN!
Mayzie: I'm not from Spain, you racist moron. Just cuz I speak Spanish doesn't necessarily label my nationality. You've angered me, so now I'm gonna beat the fucking shit out of you, bitch.
The Lawyer: Temper, temper!
Mayzie: Anger issues, dumbass.
Roger: *enters office with Benny, Natalie Z, Superstar and Gertrude McFuzz* Hey, boss! Which one is Double Agent Danamite?
The Lawyer: *face palm* Neither of them, idiotos. Benny and Roger, didn't I give you an EXACT description of what Double Agent Danamite looked like, along with a picture?
Benny: Yeah. *compares Double Agent Danamite and the picture* Hey, your friend looks just like her! Is she an evil twin?
The Lawyer: Her? My friend? An evil twin? HA! No, this is Double Agent Danamite.
Benny: Oh, is it?
The Lawyer: *growing impatient* YES!
Benny: *walks up to Double Agent Danamite* Hi, I'm Benny.
The Lawyer: Benny, quit it! Now go help Roger get rid of those barnacles you brought in here.
Natalie Z, Superstar, Gertrude: WE'RE NOT BARNACLES!
The Lawyer: I was implying that I didn't care.
Superstar: Well, you should care! I'm Superstar.
Natalie Z: I'm Natalie Zizel. I do the morning report.
Gertrude: I'm Gertrude McFuzz. I write love songs on my neighbor, Horton. So far, I've written 437.
The Lawyer: I SAID I DON'T CARE! NOW GET OUT OF HERE! *watches Natalie Z, Superstar and Gertrude leave* Damn…
Mayzie: *whispers to Double Agent Danamite* I thought she implied it.
The Lawyer: I heard that!
Mayzie: You didn't hear nothing! Howza bout I turn ya into a pancake?
Benny: Mm, pancakes!
Mayzie: Not that kind of pancake. Keep it up, and I'll turn you into a pancake too.
Benny: GOODY! *sees Mayzie's glare* I mean, darn. I'm done. I'm sorry.
Mayzie: Good. Now…
The Lawyer: *hears watch beep* Oh, excuse me! I have a muy importante case to attend to. We'll have to deal with this shit later. Adios. Come on, minions.
Double Agent Danamite: *watches The Lawyer and her minions leave* Okay, let's go!
Mayzie: Where?
Double Agent Danamite: We *points to Assisticant and herself* are going to Disney World, but you and the Goodman siblings are going elsewhere.
Mayzie: WHY?
Double Agent Danamite: You *points to Mayzie* are a tree. They wouldn't let you in!
Mayzie: Screw that rule!
Double Agent Danamite: You *points to Gabe* are a ghost. You would scare the shit out of little kids.
Gabe: Oh, Double Agent Danamite, I am not a ghost. I am a hallucination. I'm alive. Song time! *sings I'm Alive from Next to Normal*
Double Agent Danamite: *after song ends* SAME DIFFERENCE, GABE! Anywho, and you *points to Natalie G* are a drug addict. You'd set a bad example for children. Plus, you swear a lot.
Natalie G: Oh, whoop-dee-fucking-doo. Plus, I've been to Disney World at least 8 times. Have fun with all the puppet thingys that sing that same fucking song over and over and over again until kingdom come.
Double Agent Danamite: Oh, please don't tell me you mean…
Natalie G: Oh, I mean.
Double Agent Danamite: Shit. Well, bye!
Natalie G: Yeah, and I SWEAR A LOT?
Scene IV: The Street
Mayzie: Well, gotta go back to the Enchanted Forest before I'm missed. See y'all later. *struts off like an American Idol contestant*
Gabe: *to Natalie G* I guess it's just you and me.
Natalie G: Nah. I've been thinking about what Double Agent Danamite said to me. I'm going to go to drug rehab. Bye, Gabriel. *walks away*
Gabe: Thanks a lot, Sugar Lips. Well, I guess I should go for my jog. *starts to jog, bumps into Gertrude* Oh, sorry, excuse me. *jogs away*
Gertrude: *blushes* It's okay, you're excused. *sings a refrain of I Can Hear the Bells, passes out*
Gabe: Damn it, where is my necklace? *spots Gertrude* Have you seen my necklace?
Gertrude: Fraid not, but I can help you look for it, Gabriel.
Gabe: How do you know me name?
Gertrude: How do I not?
Gabe: Stalker. But okay, you can help me look for it. It has a heart shaped charm inscribed with my name. It's sentimental. My mother bought it for me before I died.
Gertrude: Grool.
Gabe: Oh, there it is! *picks necklace off of Gertrude's one-feathered tail* Thanks so much! *skips off happily*
Gertrude: Notice me! Notice me, Gabriel, notice me! Not as someone who helped you find your necklace, but as someone you want to love.
Scene V: The Goodman's Living Room
*Natalie G comes home from her first drug rehab session*
Natalie G: Okay. I must not take a drug. I must not take a drug. I must not take a drug. I must not… I MUST TAKE A DRUG!
Gabe: *enters humming I Am the One (Reprise), sees Natalie G with drug* NATALIE! NO! Bad girl! Spit it out!
Natalie G: No.
Gabe: Natalie, spit it out.
Natalie G: No.
Gabe: Do I have to tell Mom on you, Natalie Kristin Katharine Goodman?
Natalie G: *gasps* How do you know my full name?
Gabe: Uh, I'm your brother, and I've been here all along. Perhaps if you weren't so addicted to drugs, you'd have some common knowledge.
Natalie G: Hey, are you saying that… no, maybe you're right. I'm sorry.
Gabe: I care for you, snickerdoodle. I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Natalie G: EXCUSE ME?? What the hell did you just call me??
Gabe: Sorry. I meant, er, I care for you. Snickerdoodle! I don't want anything bad to happen to you.
Natalie G: Sure. Why did you call me snickerdoodle?
Gabe: Well, um, I heard you make fabulous snickerdoodles. *puts on half smile*
Natalie G: Well, you heard right. Okay, just making sure you're not, like, in love with me or something.
Gabe: Hell no! *under breath* I'm in love with you with a passion.
Natalie G: Pardon?
Gabe: Nothing.
Natalie G: Whatever.
Gabe: What?
Scene VI: The Enchanted Forest
*The Lawyer, Benny and Roger are looking for Mayzie*
The Lawyer: Okay, where the hell is that damn tree!
Benny: I don't know, but when we find it, we'll make it pay the rent.
Roger: Hey, Boss, do you know whether or not there could be lions or tigers or bears in this forest?
The Lawyer: Probably not. Keep moving.
Benny, Roger: Lions and tigers and bears! Lions and tigers and bears!
The Lawyer: *face palm* Oh my.
Roger: Okay, enough paranoia. Oh tree! Oh tree! Come here, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree.
Benny: Oh, look, no tree! Oh well! Let's go home!
The Lawyer: Oh no you don't, Benny! We have to find that tree and make it pay the goddamn rent!
Benny: I think I just heard a lion. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! *runs out of forest screaming like a girl*
Roger: Wait up, Benny! *runs after Benny*
The Lawyer: THERE ARE NO LIONS IN THIS FOREST! For the love of Benji, this is America, not Africa!
Mayzie: *from behind Lawyer* Ever heard of a zoo, smartass? Some lions got loose from the local zoo and are now roaming around.
The Lawyer: Really?
Mayzie: Really, really.
The Lawyer: Oh. *runs away, screaming*
Mayzie: *laughs* You'll never make me pay that rent. NEVER! Now, if you'll excuse me, I better hide before the lions come.
Scene VII: The Street
Gertrude: Okay, love song number 1 on Gabriel. I call it 'Gertrude Goodman'. *sings to tune of Jingle Bells* Gabriel, Gabriel, I love Gabriel. We met one day on the streets, today my life completes. Cuz Gabriel, Gabriel, Gabriel Goodman has made a happy woman. I'll be Gertrude Goodman.
Natalie Z: *walks past Gertrude, making cuckoo sign*
Gertrude: Okay, love song number 2 on Gabriel. I call it 'Love Unending'. *sings to tune of 'Ode to Joy'* I was here in this cool spot when I met dear Gabriel. I said hi and soon he'll know why I've been acting this way. Cuz I love him, and he loves me. I can prove that easily. What we have is love unending. Gabe and Gertrude Goodman.
Superstar: *walks past Gertrude* You're a nut. Gabe doesn't like you. Why would he?
Gertrude: Oh my! Look at the sun! Until next time, good-bye!
Scene VIII: The Enchanted Forest
*Double Agent Danamite and Assisticant are returning from their vacation*
Assisticant: *hums 'It's a Small World After All*
Double Agent Danamite: Yo, assisticant, some advice: SHUT UP!
Assisticant: What? Don't like my humming?
Double Agent Danamite: No, I love your humming. It's the song that I can't stand.
Assisticant: Lo siento, mi amiga.
Double Agent Danamite: No comprendo.
Assisticant: Mm. Perdoname.
Double Agent Danamite: Huh?
Assisticant: Oh, just never mind. It won't matter.
Mayzie: *to Natalie G and Gabe* Okay, so Swan Lake and the Seven Angels is a wonderful ballet about a tree named Oleysia that gets turned into a swan, and seven angels named Janelle, Estelle, Brielle, Adelle, Chanelle, Michelle and Angel are assigned to protect her identity, which becomes hard when she falls in love with Prince Nathan. Then there's King James J. Braddock and his snobby daughter Kailey, who try to kill Oleysia so Nathan will marry Kailey."
Natalie G, Gabe: What happens in the end?
Mayzie: Are you sure you want to know? I'm not one to spoil a good ending…
Natalie G, Gabe: PLEASE TELL!
Mayzie: Okay. In the end, Oleysia and Nathan die, James flees and Kailey becomes a housemaid for Nathan's family.
Natalie G: That's a terrible ending. But it's so intriguing! Who are you trying out to be?
Mayzie: Oleysia, of course.
Assisticant: Hola ustedes! Que pasa?
Mayzie: No pasa nada. Como eras tu vacacion?
Assisticant: Bien y muy divertida.
Double Agent Danamite: Can we please put some of this is English?
Assisticant: Girl, she just asked us how our vacation was.
Double Agent Danamite: Oh. It SUCKED! All day long, the puppets were singing THAT SONG!
Natalie G: I told you they would!
Double Agent Danamite: You shut up!
Natalie Z: EMERGENCY REPORT! *runs up to Double Agent Danamite; says breathlessly* The Lawyer… she's taken over… the economic sys… tem. America's in… another Great… Depression. We… need you now… Double Agent Dana… mite.
Double Agent Danamite: Damn it! Out of all my enemies, this one decides to screw America's economy more than Obama. Come on assisticant, Mayzie, Natalie, Gabe and Natalie.
Natalie Z: I'm invited?
Double Agent Danamite: Yes, from now on, you're one of us.
Mayzie: One of us! One of us! One of *sees everyone's glares* oh.
Double Agent Danamite: Natalie Z, you are our navigator. Other Natalie is our blabbermouth.
Natalie G: I beg your pardon? Really? Do I look like a fucking blabbermouth to you? Seriously, Double Agent Danamite, that's kind of low. And it's rude to label people!
Double Agent Danamite: Point proven. Gabe is our saving grace.
Gabe: Whoa! Wait a minute! Grace is a girl's name. I may be dead, but I'm not a girl. Can't I be a saving gabe?
Double Agent Danamite: Fine. Gabe is our saving GABE! Mayzie is our little fighter.
Mayzie: I ain't little, Double Agent Danamite. I'm a stupid, big, fat, ugly tree!
Double Agent Danamite: Shut up.
Mayzie: Okay.
Double Agent Danamite: And assisticant is the assisticant.
Assisticant: How original.
Double Agent Danamite: Would you all PLEASE quit complaining?
Natalie Z: We're running out of time! If we don't stop the Lawyer soon, we're DOOMED!
Double Agent Danamite: Okay, lead the way, navigator.
Superstar: *appears from behind a bush* What about me?
Double Agent Danamite: You… you can be our emergency power.
Superstar: Okay!
Double Agent Danamite: Let's go!
*they all exit; and the Lawyer, Benny and Roger appear from behind a different tree*
The Lawyer, Benny, Roger: *evil smiles* Fabulous!
Act II
Scene I: The Street
*Double Agent Danamite, Assisticant, Natalie G, Gabe, Mayzie and Natalie Z are on the search for The Lawyer*
Double Agent Danamite: Oh, Lawyer. Come out, come out wherever you are.
Mayzie: Here, Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer!
Gabe: *slaps Mayzie* We're looking for The Lawyer, not a kitty.
Mayzie: Well, sorry! Meow!
Gabe: Be mature, Mayzie.
Mayzie: I'll do whatever I want, fuck it! You ain't the boss of me.
Natalie G: She has a point there, Gabriel.
Gabe: Both of you be quiet.
The Lawyer: *tiptoes behind Double Agent Danamite* BOO!
Benny, Roger: YOU HAVE NO ESCAPE!
The Lawyer: Wrong! Benny, Roger, go back and try that again. You're not supposed to say anything.
Benny, Roger: Sorry, Boss.
The Lawyer: What are you waiting for? GO!
Benny, Roger: Okay. *go back 10 ft.*
The Lawyer: ACTION!
Roger: *runs and knocks Natalie Z and Natalie G over*
Benny: *runs and bumps into a pole*
The Lawyer: Thank you. So, anywho, Double Agent Danamite, my 'bestest' friend, how's life going?
Double Agent Danamite: Why the hell do you care?
The Lawyer: Just trying to be friendly. Dude, you've got issues.
Roger: *to Natalie Z* Hey, can I talk to you in private for a moment?
Natalie Z: Well, sure!
Roger: Cool. Bring that other girl with you.
Natalie Z: So much for 'in private'. Come on, Natalie.
Natalie G: Where are we going?
Natalie Z: I don't know.
Gabe: *grabs on to Natalie G's hand* Cookie, where are you going?
Natalie G: Cookie?! I don't know where I'm going, Gabriel. What's up with all the pet names?
Gabe: Don't ask me. Mom filled me with affection.
Natalie G: More like infection.
Roger: Come on, Natalie!
The Lawyer: So, DD, mind if I call you that? Your name is a mouthful. Anywho, PREPARE FOR YOUR ARMY TO SHRINK!!!
Double Agent Danamite: No, you can't call me DD. It's Double Agent Danamite. And what do you mean 'prepare for my army to shrink'?
The Lawyer: Well, Roger and Benny…
Benny: *groaning in pain* Or just Roger.
The Lawyer: What are you doing?! What happened?!
Benny: I bumped into that pole and fell unconscious.
The Lawyer: Smaaaaaaaaaaaart. That's brilliant, Benny. Now get up and help Roger take care of whomever he took.
Benny: Yes'm.
Double Agent Danamite: Who left?
Superstar: Apparently the navigator and the blabbermouth.
Double Agent Danamite: Shit!
The Lawyer: *smirks* See you later.
Double Agent Danamite: YOU'LL REGRET THIS LAWYER!!!!!!! We have to save Natalie and Natalie, even if it kills us.
Scene II: The Lawyer's Office
*Roger and Benny put Natalie Z and Natalie G in a cage*
Roger: Okay, so until this whole deal is over, you have to make like Tweety Bird and stay. Is that clear?
Natalie G: *rudely* No shit. How the hell do you expect us to move around? You locked us in a goddamn cage! I think you need a new fucking brain!
Roger: I think you need to stop cussing at me. I'll just tell Boss and then she'll kill you, so I just suggest that you shut up.
Natalie G: Okay. *under breath* Asshole.
Natalie Z: So, Renny and Boger, do we get food?
Roger: Dinner's at 6.
Natalie Z: But it's 8!
Roger: Oh, well you'll just have to wait then.
Natalie Z: But I'm hungry now.
Roger: Too bad for you.
Natalie Z: Nooooooooooo!
Roger: Bye!
Natalie Z: Nooooooooooo!
Benny, Roger: Have a pleasant tomorrow! *leave office, laughing like hyenas*
Natalie Z: *glaring at Natalie G* How come you stopped complaining?
Natalie G: *singing* Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya. Oh, Lord…
The Lawyer: *enters office with weird swagger* So how you, my precious, little minions-to-be?
Natalie Z: We won't fall for your tricks! Right, Natalie?
Natalie G: Ah-ho.
The Lawyer: I don't know what you mean by that, but you have no choice but to be my minions. That's all there is to it.
Natalie Z: Unh-unh!
The Lawyer: Uh-huh! You don't get it, Natalie. All you do is take orders from Zazu. What kind of life is that? And other Natalie is addicted to drugs. She can attend a million drug rehab classes, but she won't ever get better cuz she's alone in the universe. Well, gotta get going. My business hours are over. Have a good night!
Natalie Z: No, don't leave us!
The Lawyer: Bye! *exits office, but keeps all the lights on*
Natalie Z: The only bright side is that we're not in the dark. But I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm hungry, I WANT TO GO HOME! *cries into palms*
Natalie G: It's okay, Natalie. We're going to be okay. You'll see. *singing* The sun'll come out tomorrow. Bet your bottom…
Natalie Z: No! That song is too optimistic!
Natalie G: Okay. *singing* There's a faraway land so the stories all tell, somewhere beyond the horizon. If we can find it, then all will be well. Troubles, there are few and someday we'll go to Solla Sollew, Solla Sollew, Solla Sollew, Solla Sollew.
Natalie Z: *falls asleep on Natalie G's shoulder*
Natalie G: *sighs* Good night, Natalie. *falls asleep*
Scene III: The Street
Gabe: Oh no, oh my! Time does quickly fly. We need to save my love before she dies above. *singing* I gotta feelin' that today the Natalies will die if we don't find them today so we gotta cuz we can't let them die. Woo-hoo.
Double Agent Danamite: Would you NOT panic? All of our lives are in very real danger.
Gabe: You don't understand! You don't love her like I do! In fact, if you did, that'd be weird!
Double Agent Danamite: Shut up. Okay, updates. Obviously, Gabe hasn't found a clue.
Gabe: Hey! And, you know, this isn't like it's Blue's Clues. Am I supposed to go A CLUE! A CLUE!
Double Agent Danamite: I said shut up! Mayzie, any luck?
Mayzie: Uh, nope. Sorry.
Double Agent Danamite: What about you, Superstar?
Superstar: Nopers.
Double Agent Danamite: Assisticant?
Assisticant: No.
Double Agent Danamite: This… is… HOPELESS! We'll never find them, and it's all Gabe's fault.
Gabe: Yeah, blame it on the dead guy.
Double Agent Danamite: Well who else can I blame it on?
The Lawyer: Me.
Double Agent Danamite: You?
The Lawyer: That's right. I have your Natalies, and they're safe and sound. Like, literally, sound. They're so chatty.
Double Agent Danamite: Give them back!
The Lawyer: No. They are in training.
Gabe: You give me my lemon pie now!
The Lawyer: What? I don't even like lemons!
Gabe: Give me Natalie Goodman.
The Lawyer: Why? Cuz she's your sister and family should never go against each other? Well, you're wrong. My brother is on the good side and I'm on the evil side.
Gabe: You have a brother?
The Lawyer: Yes, and you know him. He's your father.
Gabe: Nooooooooooo! Then that means you're my aunt!
The Lawyer: That's right. Besides, Natalie wouldn't wanna come back anywho. She's living as luxurious as Tweety Bird.
Gabe: Nooooooooooo! WHY, NATALIE KRISTIN KATHARINE GOODMAN? WHY? *runs, crying into the break of dawn*
Assisticant: This should be interesting.
Scene IV: The Enchanted Forest
Gabe: *sobbing, peeling petals off a flower* SHE LOVES ME… she loves me not… SHE LOVES ME… she loves me not… *continues pattern*
Gertrude: Hey, Gabriel Goodman. Did you miss me? I missed you. Listen, I was wondering if you would fancy going on a date with me sometime. After all, we've both been denied by our loves. Horton has been…
Gabe: YES!
Gertrude: Oh my god! Okay, so…
Gabe: NATALIE REALLY DOES LOVE ME! OH, I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU! *runs like the wind*
Gertrude: WHAT?! No, Gabriel. GABRIEL! *runs after him*
Scene V: The Lawyer's Office
Natalie Z: *singing* Nobody knows what I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow.
Natalie G: Lighten up. You need to be more optimistic, like this. *singing* We're soaring, flying, there's not a star in Heaven that we can't reach.
Natalie Z: No, not that High School Musical crap.
Natalie G: Hey, I like High School Musical.
Natalie Z: I don't.
Natalie G: Well, if you don't like it, then this is gonna make you hate it! *singing* Humuhumunukunukuapua'a…
Natalie Z: Ahh! Make it stop!
Natalie G: *singing* I know a song that gets on Natalie's nerves, Natalie's nerves, Natalie's nerves. I know a song that gets on Natalie's nerves, and this is how it goes. I know a song that gets on Natalie's nerves…
Natalie Z: How many drugs have you had?
Natalie G: I don't know. I lost count after 20.
Natalie Z: *face palm* Oh no…
Natalie G: *singing* When all you got to keep is strong move along move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone move along move along just to make it through move along.
Natalie Z: You couldn't be more annoying.
Natalie G: *singing* I'd like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.
Natalie Z: I've been mistaken.
Roger: *enters office* Good morning.
Natalie Z: Thank God! Please, get Natalie to shut up. She has been singing all morning.
Natalie G: You liked it last night.
Roger: Today, we're going to kill you. Just so you know.
Natalie Z: WHAT?
Roger: The Lawyer thinks you're annoying. You die at noon. Both of you.
Natalie Z: *screams like Bugs Bunny*
Natalie G: *hums Christmas Eve in Sarajevo*
Roger: Good-bye.
Natalie Z: *to Natalie G* I hate you!
Natalie G: *singing* I hate you! I hated you all along. I hate you from far away to real nearby.
Natalie Z: Why is it that I want to die after all? *puts hands over ears*
Scene VI: The Street
Gabe: I AM BACK!
Double Agent Danamite: What's with you?
Gabe: Natalie loves me! I have to save her!
Double Agent Danamite: *face palm* Just when you think he couldn't get any crazier. Why the hell do you love your sister like that? THAT'S DISGUSTING!!
Gabe: You don't know her like I do.
Assisticant: But you are already related. What kind of love is that? Is this the biblical times?
Double Agent Danamite: You *pointing to Gabe* are a moron. You *pointing to Assisticant* are annoying. And you *pointing to Mayzie* are too quiet.
Mayzie: I'm quiet cuz I have nothing to say.
Double Agent Danamite: Well, it's a relief, so thank you.
Mayzie: No prob- LAWYER!
Double Agent Danamite: *to the Lawyer* Why do you keep coming back? Are you, like, obsessed with me? Do you have some sort of lesbian crush on me?
The Lawyer: Okay, you're at the end of the line! *pulls gun out of pocket*
Mayzie: Line? What line? There's no line! Unless it's an invisible line…
Double Agent Danamite: Mayzie, be stupid another time! This is serious!
The Lawyer: *falls to ground, laughing* What line? Invisible line! Be stupid another time! This is serious! *continues to laugh*
Double Agent Danamite: On second thought, thank you for being stupid, Mayzie. Come on, while we have the chance! *runs off*
Mayzie, Gabe, Superstar, Assisticant: Wait up! *run after Double Agent Danamite*
Scene VII: The Lawyer's Office
Natalie G: *singing* You gotta help me out! It's all a blur, last night. We need a taxi cuz you're hung-over and I'm broke.
Natalie Z: You need to shut up.
Natalie G: Nunca! *singing* Some days I'm a super bitch up to my own tricks, but it won't last forever.
Natalie Z: You're being a super bitch right now.
Natalie G: No, YOU are being a super bitch. I'm trying to sing and you're being mean!
Natalie Z: You're being annoying and it's pissing me off.
Natalie G: *singing* Shut up, shut up, you're making it worse. Now meet me in the kitchen.
Natalie Z: WHAT KITCHEN? We are locked in a goddamn cage. There is no kitchen. You're a dumbass.
Natalie G: You're mean!
Natalie Z: I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for what I said.
Benny, Roger: *enter office* We're here with the machine guns.
Natalie Z, Natalie G: *scream at the top of their lungs*
Benny: Which one of you is gonna die first?
Natalie Z, Natalie G: Not me!
Roger: Let's just do eenie-meanie-mynie-mo.
Benny: Or Rock, Paper, Scissors, RENT!
Roger: That's a good one!
Natalie G: That'll get you nowhere!
Roger: I take it you're gonna die first?
Natalie G: Oops.
Natalie Z: No, leave mi amiga alone! *singing* Shoo, minions, don't bother us. Shoo, minions, don't bother us. Shoo, minions, don't bother us, for our friends are out to save us.
Roger: Wow, I didn't know you could sing. We're definitely killing drug-head first!
Natalie Z: No!
Natalie G: It's okay, Natalie. *singing* Do not be afraid, I am with you. I have called you each by name.
Roger: *to Benny* Damn it, they both sing!
Benny: Yep. *jiggles around* That's a bummer.
Roger: What's with you?
Benny: Yo tengo que orinar.
Roger: Go.
Benny: Grazie! *runs off, bumps into Lawyer* Sorry.
The Lawyer: What's with Benny?
Roger: Don't ask. Weren't you downstairs being a nut ball?
The Lawyer: That's called acting.
Roger: Then how did you get here so fast?
The Lawyer: That's called teleportation.
Roger: Then why did you…
The Lawyer: Shut up! You promised me that Natalie and Natalie would be dead by the time I got back. Since you failed *snatches gun from Roger* I'll do it myself!
Natalie Z: PLEASE DON'T KILL US!
The Lawyer: Don't worry, Double Agent Loudmouth, Assisti-can't, Mr. Ghosty, Nature and Tinker Bell will join you in Hell.
Natalie Z: Natalie, I could really use one of your songs.
Natalie G: I can't. The time has come for me to not sing.
Natalie Z: *face palm*
Scene VIII: The Street
Assisticant: Honestly, Double Agent Danamite, how long does it take for you to tie your shoe.
Double Agent Danamite: Perfection is everything.
Assisticant: If you don't hurry. Natalie and Natalie will die.
Double Agent Danamite: Hold your Angelas! I'm almost done!
Gabe: I'm not taking this shit anymore. I have to save my love!
Double Agent Danamite: I'm done. Where's Superstar?
Superstar: *jumps out from behind Mayzie* Boo!
Gabe: Don't waste time! Come on!
Scene IX: The Lawyer's Office
*Natalie Z and Natalie G's cage is hanging over a boiling pot*
The Lawyer: And Natalie and Natalie sunkity-sunk in the Natalie boiler.
Natalie Z: No, not the Natalie boiler!
Double Agent Danamite: *rolls in like a spy* LAWYER! Thou has gone too far with this predicament!
The Lawyer: Have not! I decide when things go too far!
Double Agent Danamite: But you've captured the Natalies!
Natalie Z, Natalie G: Help!
Benny: They want to join us!
Natalie Z, Natalie G: No we don't!
Benny: Yes you do! You've paid the rent!
Double Agent Danamite: How could they have paid the rent? Natalie Zizel ain't got money and Natalie Goodman…
Gabe: HERE I COME SISTER! *runs in, opens cage, hits Lawyer in face*
The Lawyer: What the fuck? I was just hit in the face by a ghost!
Gabe: I'm not a ghost, idiot! I'm a hallucination. A figure of imagination.
The Lawyer: Hallucination my ass! Do I care?
Gabe: You should care! I'd better care right now, or something bad WILL happen to you.
The Lawyer: Ha, try me!
Gabe: *whistles*
Mayzie: *runs in* Ah, hello again, Lawyer.
The Lawyer: Oh shit! There's another mistake I've made.
Mayzie: So, Gabe is a hallucination. You should care!
The Lawyer: Well, I don't!
Mayzie: Okay then. A number 17 it is!
The Lawyer: What is that supposed to mean?
Mayzie: *jumps on top of Lawyer, knocking her down*
Double Agent Danamite: *punches Lawyer extremely hard*
Benny, Roger: *laugh hysterically*
The Lawyer: *weakly* Et tu, minions? Then fall Lawyer! *closes eyes, dies*
Assisticant: *runs in* What'd I miss?
Superstar: Dude, you just missed your boss beat the fucking shit out of the Lawyer!
Assisticant: Oh. Well, fantastic work, Double Agent Danamite. Good thing I have lots of confetti! *throws it around*
Double Agent Danamite: Nice try! You're fired!
Assisticant: *sadly* Oh. *happily* Let's party!
Gabe: *to Natalie G* Hey, can I ask you something?
Natalie G: Sure, I guess.
Gabe: I know we're brother and sister, but… I love you, and not just as a sister, but as a wife.
Natalie G: I love you too, but you're my brother. We can't get married! It's not even legal!
Gabe: Will you marry me anyway?
Natalie G: Huh?
Gabe: You know, marry me. I love you, you love me, a happy family we could be.
Natalie G: We already are family.
Gabe: Yes, but we could be more of a family.
Gertrude: GABRIEL! *runs over to Gabe, giving a death stare to Natalie G* What the hell are you doing? Don't marry your drug addict sister who SHOULD be with Henry. Marry me, Gertrude McFuzz-Goodman.
Gabe: Whoa, you're moving things kind of fast to change your last name to Goodman, especially since I don't love you like that. Three things: one, my name is GABE, and only my mother, who invented my hallucination, my dad and sister can call me Gabriel. Two, if Natalie should be with Henry, then you should be with Horton.
Gertrude: No way, he's a whore!
Gabe: And three, um…
Natalie G: *grins* Three is that you can't stop me from saying 'Yes, Gabriel, I will marry you'. Suck on that!
Gabe: Really?
Natalie G: Uh-huh!
Gabe: Oh my god, YES!
Gertrude: No, Gabriel Goodman, this isn't over! *runs out, bumps into Mayzie* Sorry. Excuse me. Pardon me. Girl with a broken heart coming through.
Mayzie: *to Gabe* What's with her?
Gabe: She's upset cuz I want to marry my sister instead of her. *loud enough for Gertrude to hear* AND MY NAME IS GABE!
Mayzie: Did I just hear the word 'marry'?
Gabe: Yep!
Mayzie: Okay. Well then, do you, Gabe, take Natalie to be your wife?
Gabe: So now you're a priest? Well, then, hell yeah, I do!
Mayzie: And do you, Natalie, take Gabe to be your husband?
Natalie G: *stares dreamily into Gabe's eyes* Of course I do!
Mayzie: Well, my job here is done. Now I must leave forever and not return for as long as you folks shall live. Adios!
Natalie G: Wait, why leave? Stay here with us! We love you, Mayzie!
Mayzie: I SAID ADIOS, FUCK IT!
Natalie G: Okay, I'm sorry! Good-bye, Mayzie!
Mayzie: Good-bye friend! *leaves forever*
Gabe: I love you, sister Natalie!
Natalie G: I love you, brother Gabe!
Gabe: I will never abandon you!
Natalie Z, Superstar, Assisticant: KISS ALREADY! *Gabe and Natalie G kiss* Yay!
Natalie G: Wow that was so not awkward! *kisses Gabe again*
The end!