The Cheshire Cat inspired me.

"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."

-Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

His hair was not just blonde, no; it was auburn and gold, honey and amber, mahogany with a hint at the dying light of a sunset, a mass of halo adorning his angelic features. His eyes were not just blue; they were a swirl of aqua, lime, turquoise, jade, and the purest sapphire of a newborn sky. They swelled like the ocean, infinite secrets held beneath the impenetrable depths and waves. He walked towards me with the lazy elegance of someone who was confident in who they were and their very purpose. He was my polar opposite and he fascinated me, for he embodied all that I aspire to someday be.

There were no two beings more different than he and I, but he sat at my table that day anyway.

He smiled at me, a brilliant beautiful smile that was more deadly than the sharpest of knives in its radiance. With that smile, he pulled me in, a goody mass of girlish thoughts and behaviors. I was caught in his trap, in his world.

I was naïve, I didn't know any better.

And to this day, I still don't know whether or not I regret it.

The fuck is wrong with people?

I would honestly, really, truly like to know.

They say they know who I am, what I am, where I'm from, who I've fucked and who I haven't, what my hobbies are, and who I consider good and who I consider not so good. And they've only known me for about ten seconds.

I say 'Hi, I'm Bella,' they say 'I felt like I recognized you! Isabella Swan? The Police Chief's daughter?' and then they think they know me. They think they know who I am.

I am uptight, law-abiding, prude, a virgin, polite, smart, demure, studious, and a bookworm.

I am the teacher's pet, the girl-next-door, the quiet, shy, blushing type.

I am the last person they would see doing drugs or drinking or smoking. I am the last person they would ever meet at a party. I am the last person on Earth who they could go to when they wanted to hook up.

I am the Police Chief's daughter, and so, I must be all these things.

In Phoenix, I fit the bill perfectly. Everyone expected what I would say or do and everyone was always right. And I was content to play the perfect part for far too long.

But no longer, not anymore.

I am Bella Swan. Not Isabella, not a prude, not a library's assistant. I am deranged, and fucked up, and I like to drink and smoke.

I'm a lot like you.

And I'm leaving. I'm done being the good girl, the Bible bearer, the pristine mouse.

I am done being judged and having to sneak around behind everyone's backs. I am tired of being looked down on or being the object of sick desire or the avoided party in every hallway.

I am sick of people in general. Of their thoughts, misconceptions, attitude, society rules, and their overall failure at being considered human beings.

I vow to never again be that girl. The one who kept her mouth closed, her eyes down, her grades up. The girl who cried in her room at night because she was missing something. The girl who didn't know who she was or what she stood for.

I still don't know, but I'm on my way to finding out.

I know that I want to be crazy, to be in love, to have friends, and to get drunk. I know that I don't want to be content as the Police Chief's daughter for the rest of my life. I know that I can't stay here anymore… not after…

But no. I can't think of him. Not of her. Not of what happened to make me realize what I'm doing.

Because I know now. And I know that I will have to forget him and her and them and everything that I thought I once stood for.

Because, really, I was never strong enough to stand. I leaned on others, on my fears and insecurities, on the rigid role in life that had been given to me by others. A birthright I had never really wanted.

And now that I've been knocked down, my crutches thrown into the fire, I am forced to lie here, vulnerable and bare.

I have been knocked down and I can now finally learn to stand, on my own. I refuse to go back to what I was. I promise to learn to become what I was meant to be.

I have left the road that they paved for me and I'm at the crossroads now.

And I walk straight ahead. Through the brush and the grass onto the trail that no person will ever take. I will ignore the road altogether, for it is a road that I refuse to follow.

In the end, no matter how many paths I would have taken, they would have all lead back to the same place. A place I no longer want to be.

I am done and I am leaving. Goodbye was said. And now I must say hello.

No matter how much I loathe that word.

I am Bella Swan. Don't you fucking dare think that you know me.

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