Dishwasher Dysfunctions

"Do you see it?" Piotr asked while crammed underneath the countertop.

"Not yet," Remy reported from his position beneath the kitchen sink. "Wait a second…there! Got it!" He grasped one end of a long braided hose and pulled it over to a large metal value. "Okay, I have enough slack. I'm hooking it up to the hot water now."

"Good," Piotr crawled out of the limited space and wiped a hand across his sweaty forehead. Both he and Remy were dressed in grubby, worn out working clothes. "I am going to shove it in now."

"Whatever," Remy grunted as he awkwardly attempted to maneuver a pair of pliers among the various pipes in order to tighten a nut at the end of the hose.

"Watch out," Piotr got up and carefully rolled over a large, metal dishwasher covered in white, clingy insulation. He lined it up and slowly backed it into the opening he had been working in just a few moments ago.

"Is it in?" Remy asked with his legs inelegantly positioned out of the way.

"Yes," Piotr lied down and began to remove a long lower panel. "I am going to connect the water, drainage and electrical lines now."

"Great. That means we're almost done," Remy grunted as he finished tightening the hose and straightened out his legs. "I still don't know why Mags ordered us to install this thing. Sabes is the one who smashed the last dishwasher."

"Well, we were slightly responsible for that," Piotr pointed out as he fumbled with some wires. "But compared to the punishment the others are receiving for their actions during the llama mess we are probably getting off lightly."

"Ohhh," Pyro moaned painfully as he slowly limped his way into the kitchen.

"Speaking of which," Remy scooted out from underneath the sink. "Looks like someone has been worked over pretty hard.

"Gahhh," Pyro gasped as he collapsed onto a stool and laid his head on counter. "Water…water…"

"Hold a second," Remy quickly washed his hands and filled up a clean glass. He set it down next to Pyro's disheveled form. "Here ya go."

"Thanks," Pyro groaned as he brought his head to the glass and slowly took a few sips. "Ahhh, that's good."

"Just make sure you don't drown," Remy said as Pyro tilted his head further into the glass. "Mags finally finished with you, huh?"

"Mmmm-hmmm," Pyro mumbled while he took another long sip. He looked up and let out a loud sigh. "He decided to punish me first before he started on Sabes. Said it would be more entertaining."

"Yeah, that way he concentrates his sadistic focus on one of you at a time," Remy nodded. "So what did he do to you?"

"He shot missiles and buzzsaws at me while making me recite the model song until my throat was dry and I collapsed a few times," Pyro croaked.

"Ouch, that is harsh," Piotr winced.

"No kidding," Pyro spat and sang in a mocking voice, "I am the very model of a perfect loyal Acolyte. I'm obedient, helpful and admit Magneto's always right. Ugh, it was horrible!"

"I don't know what's worse," Remy said. "That Mags came up with all the lyrics himself or that he actually likes listening to us recite them."

"Oh he likes it alright," Pyro confirmed. "You should have seen him. He was laughing his head off while I was running around singing and trying not to die."

"Figures," Remy made a face.

"Well, let us get back to work and finish getting the dishwasher installed," Piotr said tapping the front of it.

"Yeah, okay," Remy sighed before climbing back down underneath the sink.

"So that's the new dishwasher, huh?" Pyro watched as Piotr finished hooking up a large elbow fitting. "Looks pretty good."

"It should be," Remy said as he reached for some hose clamps. "It's the most advanced dishwasher Mags could find. Button-operated automatic power-locking doors, multi-variable and strategically placed jet sprayers, organic residue detecting sensors, super-dry heating system, ultra-quiet running mode. Plus the extra strong, enzyme enriched dish soap it uses," Remy gestured to the large box sitting on the counter above the dishwasher.

"Neat," Pyro took another sip of water as Piotr completed the final connections and sealed the electrical junction box back up. "You blokes have been working on this the whole time?"

"Yeah. It took a while just to get the old one out without damaging anything else," Remy grunted.

"Will it be ready to use by tonight?" Pyro asked.

"It will be if I can just get these things on," Remy cursed as he fumbled with the hose clamps. "Then we can finally stop washing and drying all the darn dishes by hand."

"I do not know. I do not think doing them by hand is so bad," Piotr said while manually forcing open the dishwasher door and removing the dish racks inside it.

"Yeah. In fact, I found it to be pretty fun," Pyro sniffed.

"For the last time Pyro, you do not 'clean' and 'dry' dishes by putting them near the vent hood and setting them on fire!" Remy exclaimed. "Especially when you do it directly over a gas stove!"

"Why not? It's the same principle used in a self cleaning oven," Pyro pointed out. "And all the silverware and plates and stuff are made of metal anyway."

"But my hair and the skin on my lower back aren't!" Remy snapped. "Not to mention everything gets covered in ashes and gives the food a bad aftertaste."

"That's because you didn't let me wipe 'em with distilled vinegar afterward," Pyro protested. "That would have gotten rid of the ash flavor."

"Oh yeah, like that would have been a lot better," Remy drawled sarcastically and returned his attention back to his work. "Hey, do we want to have the drainage hose run to the garbage disposal or just directly to the sink?"

"The sink," Piotr replied as he stuck a level inside the dishwasher to make sure it was balanced correctly.

"Why? Wouldn't it be better to have it run to the disposal?" Pyro asked. "That way it would shred all the food the dishwasher sprays off the dishes."

"That is a good idea, but with the way the garbage disposal acts it would probably cause it to back up and overflow," Piotr explained as he lined up some brackets and began fixing the dishwasher to the counter. "Besides, the dishwasher's multiple filters should prevent any large food particles from going down the drain."

"Ah, good point," Pyro nodded.

"There. All the hoses are hooked up under here," Remy announced from beneath the sink. "Can I turn on the water and plug in the power cord now?"

"Yes, I am all done here," Piotr slid a paper towel underneath the dishwasher. "Make sure to check for leaks."

"Okay, it's plugged in. Water is…flowing," Remy reported. "Nothing's leaking so far."

"No leaks here either," Piotr checked the paper towel for damp spots and glanced at the instruction manual. "Okay, now we will run a short wash cycle to make sure everything is connected properly."

"Finally," Remy sighed as he wiggled out and wiped his forehead. "Man, I really need a long shower after all this."

"Hey, can I press the start button? Huh, can I?" Pyro asked eagerly, having recovered slightly from his punishment.

"Uh, okay," Piotr shrugged as he began to put away some tools. "It is located along the top edge of the door."

"Oh boy!" Pyro chirped as he got up out of the stool. "Maybe there's a see-through door so we can watch what's going on…aaahhhhhh!" Pyro yelped as he slipped on a stray screwdriver, tripped on the open door and went tumbling head-over-heels into the dishwasher.

"What the heck?" Remy blinked as the box of dish soap teetered from the impact and fell down, deflecting off the closing dishwasher door and winding up sealed inside along with Pyro. "What's going on?"

"Oh no!" Piotr got up and tried to pry open the door. "He must have hit the automatic door button by mistake!"

"That's not the only thing he hit," Remy glanced at the thin control panel which was lit up like a Christmas tree. "We've got to get him out of there! Oh great, the stupid door button is stuck!" He moved to open the door manually. "What the? Where's the handle on this thing?"

"It did not come with one! I think you are supposed to order a custom handle separately!" Piotr shouted while trying to wedge his fingers around the door.

"What?! Oh for crying out loud, that is one of the stupidest things I've ever heard!" Remy swore as he helped Piotr overpower the locking mechanism and pry the dishwasher door open.

"HEEELLLLLLPPP!" Pyro screamed as he floundered around inside the running dishwasher, water and gritty soap particles spraying in every direction. "IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"

"Get outta there!" Remy yelled as he grabbed Pyro's collar and tried to drag him out.

"I CAN'T! IT'S GOT ME BY MY PANTS!" Pyro yelped as he desperately tried to escape. "AAAHHHHHH! SOAP WENT UP MY NOSE! UUUGGG!"

"They must be caught on the revolving sprayer!" Piotr reached in and tried to blindly feel his way around. "Stop moving so much!"

"SAVE ME! SAVE ME!" Pyro trashed around wildly while he kept his eyes shut to prevent soap from getting in them. "I DON'T WANNA BE DIGESTED BY A DISHWASHER!"

"I can not pull them lose!" Piotr shouted as he attempted to free Pyro's pants. "Can you just turn it off?"

"No! The cancel button isn't working!" Remy angrily stabbed at the control panel. "Pyro must have overloaded the command functions when he hit all the buttons!"

"KILL IT! KILL IT!" Pyro screamed hysterically as the water rapidly turned cloudy from all the surrounding soap. "AAAHHHHHH! THE DISHWASHER'S GONE MAD! MAD I TELL YOU!"

"I'm not gonna kill it!" Remy protested heatedly. "Especially not after all the work we did just to hook it up!"

"Then try to unplug it!" Piotr yelled, one hand tugging on Pyro and other covering his eyes.

"Oh great! Once more into the pit!" Remy grumbled as he quickly crawled underneath the sink. "I swear if I ever see the underside of this thing again it'll be too…"

CRACK!

WHOOOOOOSSSHHH!

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Remy screamed as he accidentally leaned against a pipe, causing it to crack and release a stream of hot water directly into his face. "YEEEOOOWWWWWW THAT'S HOT! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!"

"Huh?" Piotr managed a quick glance to see Remy withering in agony as he frantically tried to scramble out from under the soon-to-be-flooded alcove. "What is going on?"

"A POSSESSED DISHWASHER IS TRYING TO DEVOUR ME! THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON!" Pyro yelled while haphazardly wiggling out of his pants. "GAHHHHHH! IT WANTS TO EAT ME ALIVE!"

"Arrrggghhh! My eyes!" Remy sat up and clutched his face, only to get too close to the dishwasher and have the narrow upper culinary rack shoot out and whack him in the head. "OW!"

"Hang on!" Piotr withdrew his hands, flopped onto his stomach and began to reach underneath the dishwasher.

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Pyro cried as the door began to close on him once again. He frantically tried to throw his weight against it. "NO! NOT AGAIN!"

"Just another second!" Piotr ripped open the junction box and yanked on the recently installed wires. A quick snap and all of them tore free from their wire nuts and mountings. "There!"

"YAAAHHHHHH!" Pyro yelled as the dishwasher door suddenly lost power and stopped resisting him. It flew open with him tumbling out soaked in soapy water and minus his pants. "Ooof, freedom!"

"Ow!" Piotr yelped as the door smacked against his head and caused him to drop the still live electrical wires onto the waterlogged floor.

ZZZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!!!

"AAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH!" The Acolytes screamed as they were hit with electric current. Fortunately, the current was not lethal and only lasted a moment before the electrical outlet overloaded and shut down.

"Ohhh," Pyro groaned painfully as he lay sprawled out on the wet floor as water continued to leaked out from the broken pipe under the sink. "And I thought being punished by Mags was bad."

"I told you we should have turned the circuit breakers to the dishwasher and garbage disposal off before we installed it," Piotr coughed slowly.

"We would have had to find them first. Mags has never trusted us with their location," Remy moaned, his hair shocked completely askew. "Though you do have a good point…"

"At least the dishwasher does not seem to have been harmed," Piotr briefly glanced at it. "Maybe when we reconnect the power the commands will reset and it will work properly next time."

"No! Don't let it live! It is evil! Evil I tell you!" Pyro croaked hoarsely before blinking several times. "Oooh…see? The cute purple, flying bunnies agree with me…"

"Ya know, maybe doing the dishes by hand wasn't so bad after all," Remy groaned.