Let me just say I had no idea what the hell was going through my mind when I came up with this idea. I was both sniggering and cringing as I wrote this. This is supposedly set around the time of On Stranger Tides. Let's just assume that Jack found Barbossa, the crew and his precious Pearl. Also, the town of Sinstra is entirely fictional, as are any random OCs. Oh, and a big thank you to Chaos and Mayhem for beta-ing this for me! Hope you enjoy this absurd story!

Chapter I

"So, this is the place?" asked Jack, peering through his spyglass. "You read the charts correctly?"

"Aye, I be certain of it." confirmed Barbossa as he leaned on the rail, studying the challenge they'd have to overcome.

Fire engulfed the sky. Deep gold, amber and burgundy arched up into the yawning purple chasm of night as the sun sank lower and lower, melting into the horizon like an orb of molten glass. The rolling sea was black and as slick as oil, but a hot white where the sunlight glinted off the waves. Rocking with the tide was the Black Pearl, a shadow against the dusk.

A few hundred feet away, a towering cliff sliced up out of the sea and faced the Pearl, leering at it almost in threat. A scattering of little houses marched up the cliff, cowering under the huge mansion that sat at the highest point. The buildings looked decrepit and crumbling, and it would have looked like a ghost town if there weren't lights in the windows.

"Charming little place," commented Jack, snapping the spyglass shut. "And I assume this all important item is being kept in that mansion at the top of the hill, eh?"

"You assume correctly, Sparrow. Venganzara will have the Key on him at all times if he's not a fool, and it's likely he's not one."

"Ah, this reminds me so much of when I had to find the key to Davy Jones' chest," sighed Jack half nostalgically, half sarcastically. "Good times, eh?"

"I wouldn't know, what with me bein' dead at the time." Barbossa answered with a glare.

"So you were," grinned Jack, "All we need to do is break into the mansion, swipe the Key from under Venganzara's nose, and hightail out of there. It's such a shame that we didn't know about the Key before we found the location of the Fountain, savvy? We could have spent less time rushing around the Caribbean and more time being immortal."

Barbossa grunted in agreement.

When Jack, Barbossa and the crew of the Black Pearl had finally found where the legendary Fountain of Youth was concealed, their hearts had beat fast with anticipation, palms sweaty and mouths dry, desperate to take a sip of the invigorating water and immortality. They'd travelled miles upon miles and sliced through hordes of ungodly monsters and rivals searching for the Fountain.

But there hopes had been brutally dashed when they discovered they could go no further. They were met by a sheer rock face with not even the tinniest notch to use as a handhold or the narrowest crack to squeeze through. They'd walked around the cliff's perimeter and discovered that it lead them around in a circle with the Fountain guarded behind the impenetrable walls. There was only one clue to how they were supposed to reach the Fountain: a single, small rectangle carved into the stone with a crude etching of a key above it.

"Well, at least they were nice enough to leave a clue." Jack had shrugged, and then received a smack around the back of the head from Barbossa.

Barbossa had consulted the charts, twirling the dials around with his long fingers. The map altered slightly and new words had melted out from the charts. To his utmost dismay and annoyance, Barbossa worked out that they first needed a key to enter. He'd cursed himself and Jack for not noticing this little hiccup earlier.

The riddle that appeared on the charts told them that the key was in the constant possession of a Guardian who dwelled in a town called Sinstra. They'd learned the man was known as Venganzara, and was not one to suffer fools easily and had a dark, mysterious reputation. But this wasn't much of a problem to the crew of the Black Pearl, as they'd faced far more deadly foes.

And so at long last, here was the last hurdle to leap. They just had to steal the Key.

**

Half an hour later, most of the crew had piled into the boats and were rowing to the cliffs. The waves sought to dash their boats against the jagged rocks piercing out of the water, but they managed to avoid crashing into them and pulled up on a tiny strip of gravely sand, lines gouged into the cold damp silt as they dragged their little vessels up to shore.

"Remember the plan, mates," murmured Barbossa, withdrawing his pistol from his belt. "We're to sneak up to the mansion and storm it. Whoever finds Venganzara, be sure to take the Key off him, 'else there'll be a floggin' for yer stupidity."

"Any questions?" Jack asked. None had any, so Jack continued: "Well, let's get going."

The men drew their swords softly, the metal gently scraping the scabbards, whilst other's cocked their guns. Gibbs took a swift swig of rum from his water skin before turning to Jack and muttering: "Think this'll be easy, Captain?"

"Of course" Jack replied, as if the answer was obvious.

The crew scampered up the slippery stairs cut into the cliff face, and panting slightly at the top, found themselves on the outskirts of the town. A wooden wall with wicked staves topping them blocked the way further, the gates guarded by a group of twelve men idly leaning on their rifles or chatting amongst themselves. But they snapped to attention when the crew of the Black Pearl suddenly leapt from the undergrowth with coarse battle cries. Barbossa pulled the trigger of his pistol and a bullet smashed through one the guard's heads and snapping it back. More gunfire punctured holes in the men and the pirates cheered – now to open the gates and run to the mansion.

However, jubilation suddenly turned to shock and horror. The men picked themselves up, ignoring the blood gushing from their shredded wounds, and aimed their rifles at the advancing pirates. Too late, the crew staggered to a halt.

Ten men fell down like puppets whose strings had been cut, screaming as the ammunition tore through their bodies. Jack clashed swords with one of the guard's, steel screeching on the impact as they slid over each other. Jack gritted his teeth as he tried to force the enemy blade away from him, but they were surprisingly stronger than they looked. He almost dropped his sword at what happened next.

The man before him appeared to warp and shift, like a reflection rippling on water. His eyes smouldered and a husky growl escaped his mouth, his flesh melting into shadows. Jack's eye widened in alarm, as the thing before him was no longer a man but a monster. He punched the creature in the face, knocking it away before plunging his sword through its gut. But his sword just sliced through immaterial gloom, as silent and ineffective as trying to cut up air.

Jack stumbled back and saw that the other guards had also shed their human skins, and the crew were dropping like flies. Barbossa caught his eye and nodded fiercely when Jack nudged his head to one side in an obvious request to retreat.

"Back ter the ship!" Barbossa yelled. The men gladly obliged, practically fleeing the skirmish. Jack glanced behind and saw the guard resume their humanoid forms, returning to their same relaxed composure as before the battle, calmly removing the corpses of the crew out of the road as if they were no more than branches blocking the way.

**

"Well, that was a complete disaster!" Jack said. "That's the last time we follow one of your plans, Hector."

"It wasn't my plan!" he retorted.

"I'm sure it was," Jack replied. "Mine would be much more elaborate and clever and actually work."

Barbossa glared at Jack, who returned it with fierce onyx eyes.

"So, what now?" said Gibbs.

"We think of a plan," said Jack. "A proper one."

Barbossa suddenly let out a cry of triumph, making Jack jump. "Wait here, lads! I've got an idea!" He cackled before limping off quickly into the captain's cabin. Jack, Pintel and Ragetti followed when Barbossa called them in.

"I've been thinking long n' hard, gents, and there be only one way we can go 'bout this" declared Barbossa, puffing up his chest importantly.

"And would you like to divulge to us your ingenious and fool-proof little master plan?" inquired Jack.

"Aye." murmured Barbossa seriously. He turned around and rummaged for something in a trunk. Pintel and Ragetti craned their necks to see what their captain was doing. Jack felt a smile twitch his lips. This should be good, he thought.

Then Barbossa spun around with a flourish, something large and voluminous in his hands. Jack's smile slipped off his face like butter down a pan. All three pirates froze as they stared at what Barbossa held, struck dumb.

"One of ye must wear this" Barbossa said. He held the object aloft.

It was a dress.

And not just any dress. It was the one Elizabeth wore when she was taken hostage on the Pearl after Port Royal was attacked. The crimson fabric was a vivid warning in the old salt's gnarled fists.

Jack snorted and laughed. "This is it? Your big scheme? And what good will come from one of us fine gentlemen prancing around in that unflattering article of clothing, other than making us the laughing stock of the crew as well as the memory searing our reputation as fearsome pirates for all eternity?"

Barbossa's eyes flickered from the dress to Jack. "This 'ere be a disguise. If we charge in there with our cutlasses drawn and pistols cocked, we'd be shot ter bloody tatters before yer could say "move yer scrawny arses yer poxy curs." However, if we go inside with a disguise, we've more a chance of stealin' what we need."

"But why a woman?" asked Pintel.
"We could 'ave gone in disguised as somethin' else" added Ragetti.

"Nay, a lady be the best," said Barbossa. "As yer heard, Venganzara is holding a little party in the mansion and he'll be expecting every fine maiden there."

"Sounds like a fairy tale." Jack muttered.

Barbossa ignored him and continued. "Also, no one suspects a lady to commit crimes of devious nature."

"Fine, have it your way," said Jack. "But I think the question on everyone's mind is who will be doing said crime of devious nature, savvy?"

"Oh, I think I know who it'll be." said Barbossa airily. He stared at Jack for an awfully long moment, a smile creeping up on his weathered features. Jack frowned, turned, and when he saw no one behind him, his mouth fell open.

Gasp! What madness will happen next? ;) Hope you liked this first chapter, because I have chapter two waiting to be posted.