What Can it Hurt?

By Bensler

Chapter 10 ~ Reassess

Benson Residence – Saturday, May 15 – 9:45 a.m.

Insane. That's what this was. What she was. Insane. Olivia had barely been able to keep her eyes closed last night and she certainly did not get much rest. Tossing and turning had kept sleep far away. All she could think about was the ballgame. Saturday morning. Elliot. Now as she inspected her reflection in the bathroom mirror, she talked to herself and practiced various greetings to say to Elliot.

'Hi, Elliot.' 'Good to see you, El.' She smiled with her lips closed. 'Elliot, good morning.' 'Hey, El.' She smiled and showed her even white teeth then rolled her eyes.

'You're an idiot, Benson,' she said to the woman staring out at her. 'A pathetic idiot.'

She ran a hand through her hair, tousling it a bit so he wouldn't think she had gone to too much effort for him. Leaning closer, she looked into her eyes. 'It's Elliot Stabler. Your partner of nearly a dozen years, Olivia. He's seen you at your best, your worst. Worse than your worst. Just as you've seen him. Right?'

'Right.' Olivia answered herself.

'Okay, then what's the problem?'

The problem was he had called this ballgame a date. A date. She had a date with Elliot. With her partner. And she nervous as a cat in a pack of wild dogs. Glancing over at the pile of jeans tossed on her bed, she made her way over and pulled out a pair from the middle. She unzipped the jeans she had on a put the other ones on. As she zipped them, she figured she must have changed her outfit at least eight or nine times. Every pair of jeans she owned was on her bed along with an array of tee shirts, spring sweaters, and blouses. She had settled on a white tank covered by a navy blue and white plaid peasant style blouse with gauzy material and the darkest pair of blue jeans she owned. Her navy blue sandals let her jeans drag the floor and she was changing into her navy blue Nikes when she heard the knocking on her door.

She took one last look in the mirror. 'Okay, Benson. You can do this. You can.'

Looking through the peephole to be sure it was Elliot, she felt her heart speed up even more. He was wearing a Yankees baseball shirt. A tight Yankees baseball shirt. And he stood with his hands behind his back making it very easy to see the definition of his chest muscles through the shirt.

She opened the door and was met with the bright smile of her partner and all her practiced greetings flew straight out of her head. So she smiled back but said nothing.

"Wow. Team colors. I'm impressed," Elliot said as he looked her over admiringly.

Instantly, she felt the heat crawling up her neck to her face.

"Or was it just by chance?" he added.

"What? You think I don't know my home team colors? I wore navy and white because I happen to like the Yankees," she retorted.

"Then you should like this, too," Elliot told her as he pulled two Yankees ball caps from behind his back and put one on her head and the other on his.

Good thing she didn't worry too much with her hair. She laughed as she adjusted the hat. "I love it! Thanks."

His grin told her he was more than pleased with himself.

They stood and stared at one another. It became an awkward moment for some reason.

Finally, Olivia said, "Well, you ready to go?"

Elliot shifted his weight from foot to foot several times. He was as nervous as she was – maybe even more so, she realized.

"Uh…not…not yet. I've…I've got something else for you." He rubbed his sweating hands down the side of his jeans.

"Oh…okay." Olivia had no idea what to expect.

He stared at her like he was in a trance.

"El?"

"Sorry…listen, could I…could I come in for a bit?"

"Sure," Olivia said with a puzzled look.

As she stepped aside, he grabbed a green paper bag just outside her door and slid it behind his back as he came in.

Now Olivia was bursting with curiosity at his strange actions and wanting to know what he had for her.

Elliot stood there paralyzed. He knew when he gave her what he brought it would either be very good or very bad. He prayed for very good but feared the very bad knowing he would not be able to handle the bad. When he swallowed the sound was so loud he was sure she heard it, too. His tongue ran over his dry lips and he tried to remember what he had planned to say. The bag began to stick to his sweaty hands and he became aware of the twisting and turning of his insides.

"We just going to stand here staring at each other or what?" Olivia asked teasingly.

That would be more than fine with him. He never got tired of looking at her; watching her move; listening to her talk. He'd be content to stay right where he was.

"Uh…no." Slowly he pulled the bag from behind. It was now or never. He took a deep breath and pulled the gift from the bag. "These are for you."

In his hands was a bouquet of the most gorgeous yellow roses Olivia had ever seen. He held them out to her but she made no move to take them. She was in shock. Total complete shock. Her mouth fell open as her eyes widened, but she didn't move or say anything.

Elliot was about to be sick if she didn't say something soon. He held his breath in anticipation of her next words because they would either crush him or make him the happiest man in New York City.

As she reached for the flowers, she whispered, "I knew it." Then more loudly as she looked at him, she said, "They are beautiful, Elliot. Thank you." And with that she tip-toed to kiss his cheek.

He grabbed her arm and kept her next to him. "You said 'I knew it'. What'd you mean by that?"

She could barely breathe this close to him. "It was you. I knew it. At least I hoped it was you…but then…"

"Hoped it was me?"

"The blind date." Olivia got a far off look on her face. "I'm gonna kill Alexandra Cabot."

Elliot pulled back from her. "Kill Alex? Why? You said you hoped it was me."

"She should have told me it was you she was trying to set me up with."

"And if she had, would you have gone?"

"Probably not."

Elliot released her and nodded.

She pulled him back to her and told him, "I thought Kyle was my blind date. And if his ex- girlfriend hadn't come back…" Olivia shook her head. "I nearly missed my chance with you. That's why I want to kill Alex."

Elliot smiled. "So you're okay with this? You and me…dating?"

The bright smile on her face answered his question before she did. "I am! So, Hoops41, don't we need to head out?"

Glancing at his watch, he replied, "Yeah, we do, Liv123."

"Let me put these in some water first," Olivia told him.

She set the vase with the roses at the end of the kitchen counter. "I didn't think about the fact that Kyle didn't have a yellow rose that night, until I saw the wilted one in your back seat. Why yellow?"

"The florist told me yellow roses symbolize warmth, happiness, joy. Feelings you might have for a friend. And whatever there is between us or may develop, you were my friend first, Liv. And I hope you always be," he explained.

Olivia's lips pulled into a one-sided smile. "Why did you let me think it was Kyle?"

Elliot snorted. "When I got there and saw you with him, you were laughing and looked so happy. I couldn't remember the last time I heard you laugh like that and…I…I just couldn't ruin it for you. And I thought maybe…he could…he would be better for you anyway."

Olivia was touched that he was willing to let her go if it made her happy. It was at this moment that she realized how much he really cared about her.

"Well, you know the old saying… 'if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.'" The words had fallen out before she realized exactly what she was saying. Utterly mortified, she looked up at Elliot.

Knowing Olivia played things close to the vest, he knew she did not mean to let that slip out. He decided not to draw attention to it. "So, why wouldn't you have gone out if Alex had told you it was me?"

"Seriously? You have to ask? Look at how we fight, Elliot. All the time," she huffed.

"So? We always make up." His manner was light and matter of fact.

"Yeah, we do," she agreed. He did have a point.

"If you think we fight too much, why'd you ask me to the game?"

Olivia chewed on her bottom lip and thought about how to answer him. Finally, she took a deep breath and looked right into his eyes. So blue, she thought. "Something Alex said made me reassess our relationship."

She wasn't sure she could explain it to him without him thinking she was crazy or flipped out over him. Which she wasn't – crazy that is. "She asked me if I'd ever considered exactly why it is we do fight so often?"

"You figure it out?"

"What do you think?" she had already said much more than she intended.

"What do I think?" Elliot put his arms around her waist and pulled her close. "I think we're both scared of each other…"

"I'm not scared of you…" she objected.

"Yeah. You are. Just like I'm scared of you. Scared of how much we care for each other. Scared that if we admit it we'll mess up the partnership and friendship we have for something we're not sure will work or even deserve. I think we've tried for so long to squelch our real feelings its frustrated both of us and made us snappy and angry because we blame each other for making us feel things that are too…are too complicated."

Olivia smiled at his use of the word complicated and thought back five years ago and the circumstances in which she had first used that word to describe their relationship.

"Is this too complicated?" she asked.

"Not for me," he replied quietly.

"We'll argue."

"I know."

"We'll fight and you'll shut down on me."

"I know. I won't mean to but I'll hurt you and you'll leave me again."

"But I always came back. I'll always come back."

"And I'll do my best to talk to you instead of shutting down and raging."

"But we'll still get mad at each other at times."

"Yeah, but just think of how much fun it'll be making up now that we're dating."

Elliot's hand framed her face and he kissed her for the first time. It was a sweet and gentle kiss yet full of fire and promise of the future.

When he ended the kiss, they stared at one another for a long time before Elliot whispered. "We need to go."

Olivia nodded. Elliot stepped out into the hallway and as she closed the door behind her the last thing she saw was the beautiful bouquet of sun-kissed yellow roses, Olivia thought 'Alex was right. What can it hurt?'

~ ~ ~ eoeoeoeo ~ ~ ~