Partisanship

IMPORTANT WARNING: If you have strongly held, deeply cherished political beliefs and can't stand people poking at them, then for your own sake, go find something else to read. Seriously, I'm not pulling any punches here, regardless of ideology. I'm not a Democrat or a Republican, and anything is fair game. This is a political satire after all. Let's leave the blind rage to the pundits, yeah?

Disclaimer: Don't own Hetalia, or any of the politicians that appear throughout this work. This work contains ideologically sensitive material and some strong language. Proceed with caution.

Chapter One: America's Troubles

For the past seventy-five years, every other Friday was Nations' Night Out. Anyone who wanted to come would show up at the usual restaurant (a certain pub in Glasgow, UK, that most everyone was particularly fond of), where everyone would talk about whatever was going on in their respective countries. Or, at least, that was theoretically what was supposed to happen. Usually it just dissolved into petty arguments, fights over the past, Russia drinking too much vodka, and America eating hamburgers. Lots and lots of hamburgers.

But that night, Alfred was different. Alfred was usually one of the first nations there, but he had shown up almost an hour late. He had been silent the entire time and had barely touched his burger. "Is something wrong?" Kiku asked, shooting a worried glance at his friend.

"It is the economic crisis, da?" Ivan suggested. Alfred just shook his head.

"Are you sick?" Hungary asked. "You've barely eaten anything!"

"No, that's not it..."

"Well, tell us what's wrong then, you bloody git!" Arthur shouted. "Why are you so quiet today? It's not like you!"

"Do you all know how my boss managed to pass the health-care bill that he had been trying so hard to make into law?" America asked. Everyone nodded. Who hadn't heard about it? No matter where you went in the world, all of the news outlets had been broadcasting stories about President Obama's historic attempt to give all Americans health insurance.

"Yeah," Matthew replied. "I think we all have."

"And I'd like to just say congratulations!" Arthur jumped in, cheerily expressing his thoughts. "It's nice to see that you're taking after me in some small way! Here in Britain we have the NHS, and now your people are going to have universal health care!"

"I'm afraid that I might have another civil war!" Alfred suddenly exclaimed. Well. No one had been expecting that! America might have gone through some difficult times, but civil war? Wasn't that supposed to have been left back in the 1800s along with slavery, the Confederate States of America, and hoop-skirts? But before anyone could ask any more questions, he continued. "I've had a near-constant headache lately. I think everyone in my country has forgotten how to be civil to one another. Every single day, both sides are screaming at each other, and they keep trying to get me to take a side."

"But we're not supposed to take sides in politics," Matthew said, confused. "That's to be left up to our citizens, isn't it?"

"I know!" Alfred complained. "But no one cares! They all keep trying to get me to publicly endorse their side of the debate! I've had to disconnect my phone since it wouldn't stop ringing, and I haven't checked my email in days, since there's never anything I actually want to read in it! It's all messages from my boss on what the next step is, or from angry citizens demanding that I do something to stop my boss's agenda!"

"What exactly are they trying to get you to decide on?" Ivan asked, curious.

"Everything!" America exclaimed in frustration. "Do I love or hate the health-care bill? Do I support or oppose gay marriage? What do I think about the outcome of the last presidential election? Am I pro-life or pro-choice? Do I think we should raise or lower taxes? Do I think my boss is even qualified to be my boss or not? What do I think should be done regarding illegal immigrants? Do I support or oppose the death penalty? Do I think that we should allow citizens to educate their children at home or not? Do I wear boxers or briefs?" Francis waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"Did they really ask you that?" he asked. Alfred rolled his eyes.

"Yeah. Glenn Beck had me on the show the other day and asked me that on air." Several countries stifled laughter at this.

"Did you tell him?" Hungary asked.

"Of course not! I don't need the American public to know about my choice of underpants! Besides, a hero doesn't discuss their unmentionables on national television!" Ivan burst out laughing.

"All of this would be solved if you would become one with Russia, da?"

"None of this would have happened if you had just stayed my colony," England reprimanded, a slight tone of admonition creeping into his voice. America just heaved a heavy sigh.

"This whole thing is giving me a migraine. But I guess if I want to explain it well I had better start from the beginning..."

To Be Continued

Author's Comments:

Allow me to reiterate the warning up top: I am very sarcastic. This is an American political satire. If you like the Daily Show and Colbert Report, you might like this as well. If you get your news exclusively from World Net Daily, you probably will hate this. Just don't take it too seriously, and realize that no matter what your political beliefs are, this isn't an attack on you. It's more of a way to poke fun at how extremely divided American politics have become recently.

I will be covering a variety of topics in here, from the 2008 election, to health-care reform, to just about any divisive political issue that's around here today. It's my hope that no matter what political party you favor, or what country you're from, you'll still be able to get a laugh out of this.

-Kaboom