This.

This is crack.

You might want to prepare yourselves. You might want to remember that if I really was some crazy person who should be locked up I wouldn't be allowed to study medicine. Probably. You might want to think twice before delving into what has *got* to be the craziest little thing I've giggled my way through writing.

Or you might not.

;)

The Price of Beauty – by TheProblematique

"Spock, I can't believe you'd forget I'm the only person in this entire ship who outranks you."

"Captain, this is a serious matter. If you do not see sense perhaps Dr McCoy will have to declare you unfit for duty."

"No way. He can't do that without a full psychological evaluation first, which we don't have time for, and also I am perfectly fit."

"Actually Jim—"

"Don't even think about it, Bones!"

"Captain, you are once again putting yourself at needless risk. I shall go in your place."

"No, it's too dangerous down there. And you're way too pretty."

Jim crossed his arms over his chest and planted his feet slightly apart, in his best stubborn Captain stance. Spock was standing right in front of him, hands clasped behind his back, but his entire body was arched and tense like a coiled spring.

"My unusual features shall dissuade the Lidori from any attempt of capture. I shall not seem attractive to them, the previous vessel had an Andorian Chief of Security and he was not harmed. They seem to be only interested in Humans. Also, my superior strength ensures my safety."

Jim snorted. "Uh, no it doesn't, and since we can't beam down with our phasers, I'm not risking you going. And yeah, they didn't like the Andorian, but two Orion science officers were captured, and a Romulan medic. Also, you're attractive to everybody."

But Spock had apparently chosen today to be as stubborn as his Captain. "I shall not permit this," he said flatly, squaring his shoulders.

Jim leaned in even closer and smiled widely. "Feeling mutinous today, Mr Spock?" he whispered.

Someone cleared their throat loudly.

Jim looked around the transporter room, where his men were gathered. Dr McCoy had been the one to suddenly and inexplicably develop the irritation in his larynx, but he wasn't the only one who looked like they felt the same way; Scotty was shifting uncomfortably, two female engineers were trading incredulous glances and one of the security men had discreetly left. Although that was probably to go and get more people.

"What?"

But Spock grabbed his arm and turned him back to face him. "You are much too stimulating, Captain." And how he said that with his usual aplomb, Jim would forever wonder. "The light colouring of your skin, and your hair, especially your eyes, put you in grave danger."

"Spock, they only agreed to let one person beam down for negotiations on the express condition that it was me!"

"Yes, because I am sure your holo-image proved more than enough to entice them—"

"Oh for crying out loud—"

"—and you smiled too much—"

"I smiled-? That doesn't mean…! I was being friendly!"

"Your smile was sexually alluring."

Jim turned to his the rest of the group. "Does anyone else think my smile is 'alluring'?"

"No, Captain," Scotty said with an eye-roll.

"Ha!" Jim pointed dramatically at the half-Vulcan. "There! See? You're the only one who thinks that!"

"That is not my opinion, it is a fact. When you smile your eyes light in a way which only serves to heighten their beauty, and the symmetrical features and full-lips do—"

Jim felt something in his stomach flip and he licked his lips unconsciously. He kept his tone as far from that emotion as he could, however.

"All right, Spock, I get that you're in love with my looks but that is still my final order and I—"

"Jim, wait."

It was McCoy, looking very much as though he'd rather swallow an Aldebaran Shellmouth than say what he was about to say. Although he did. Say it (not swallow the Aldebaran Shellmouth, that was improbable).

"We can't ignore the facts here. The last time Starfleet sent a ship to investigate this planet the native Lidori took the best-looking security officers and no one's ever seen or heard from them again! We can't risk you being kidnapped."

"Et tu, Bones?" Jim sighed, avoiding his Commander's intent gaze. "Does everyone else here think I'm too pretty to risk beaming down?"

To his utter shock every single person raised his or her hand. Admittedly some were laughing their asses off in the process, but Jim felt that was somewhat beside the point.

"Let Spock go instead, Jim," the doctor said reasonably.

Jim blanched. "Are you kidding? Spock is much better looking than me! He's all tall and refined and shit, but somehow he's also strong and butch. How do you top that?" He took a second to flinch at his own choice of words, and then plunged bravely on. "They'd eat him up. No way am I letting him go."

McCoy stepped toward them with a disbelieving look in his eye. "Spock? Really?" Scotty also turned to examine Spock critically, and suddenly everyone else was copying them and doing the same.

Spock raised one eyebrow at his captain but didn't seem to object to what was happening.

Too bad though, because Jim sure did.

"All right, okay, can everyone please stop staring at my first officer? Thanks."

McCoy looked back at him with what seemed to be an honest, puzzled frown. "I just don't see it, Jim. I still think it's much more… logical, for Spock to go."

"Well Spock's not going, all right? I'm the Captain here and this isn't up for debate. This is a dictatorship, not a democracy!"

"Jim I believe your simile is flawed—"

"Shut up, Spock! Scotty, you beam me down right now or you're fired."

"Captain, much as I want to keep my job and obey your orders, I really think the lad has a point here. Without phasers you'll be defenceless. Mr Spock has the strength of three men!"

"I said no."

Spock's fingers brushed his arm and Jim glanced at him absently.

"Jim, I believe the cultural expert Dr Birimbau warned you about how dangerous this mission could be. A society so obsessed with—"

"All right, all right. Say I agreed not to go. Who should we send? And Spock is out of the question." He snapped at the female engineer who'd already opened her mouth to suggest it.

"Sulu is trained in hand-to-hand combat." Someone else piped up.

"Last time I checked, fencing wasn't hand-to-hand, and Sulu is actually kind of hot."

"What about the prodigy kid? If they see him as an innocent, non-threatening child they might not—"

"Chekov? He's... cute and adorable and virginal. Too cute." Jim shook his head.

"Uh, actually Jim I think he and Sulu—"

"I could go," Scotty said, shrugging. "Me own appeal is only for the finely tuned eye and I can understand if not everyone appreciates—"

"I need you up here, Scotty," Jim said, trying not to let his voice shake with mirth. "Sorry, it's too risky."

"Dr McCoy is not very attractive, he would not be at risk."

"Oy!"

Jim burst out laughing, and clapped Spock hard on the shoulder. "I need Bones up here as well, Spock. Besides, he's not bad at all."

This, however, turned out to be the entirely wrong thing to say, because Spock's eyes darkened almost imperceptibly, and Jim gulped. His Commander was, suddenly and for no reason, furious.

"Thanks Jim," McCoy said with an eye-roll. But Jim was staring at Spock, and feeling completely dumbfounded.

"Perhaps Lieutenant Uhura's communication skills might be—" someone began.

"Are you kidding?" Jim laughed uneasily, his eyes still on his first officer. "She's the most beautiful person in this ship, after Spock!"

This particular comment caused a round or sceptical expressions and raised eyebrows, including Spock's, but to Jim's relief his eyes had finally gone back to their deep, chocolate hue.

"You can't be serious, Jim," McCoy said, eyes wide.

Jim frowned. "What?"

Scotty was mouthing silently, apparently so indignant he couldn't even form words.

"What? Does no one else see…? Spock is hot!"

"Spock is… Spock," McCoy said, as though that explained everything. Jim didn't understand how no one could realise that Spock was a thin sheen of ice over a roiling core of passionate emotions. And he was drop. Dead. Gorgeous.

"I agree with the Captain," the other female engineer said shyly.

"Thank you!"

"But then… if we don't send Spock, who can we send?"

*

The mission was a success, in the end. Keenser, it turned out, had mad diplomatic skills.

You know what? I'm not even sorry.

It's too bad FF won't let me rate this Genre = Humour/ABSOLUTE INSANENESS

;)