The Not So Friendly Florist of Fleet Street
Chapter 1: The Worst Cheese in London
A/N: This story is a figment of my boredom!
Hey, I'm drivenbyrevenge…you may have heard of me from other Sweeney Todd fanfics such as "The Demon Barber is Alive!" and "Business Never Better".
This is my first "Sweeney" Parody; it contains a fair bit of swearing so if you have a problem with swearing maybe you shouldn't read on.
I've put the speaker's name in bold for your ease of reading…enjoy!
Warning: For anyone who likes Lucy more than Mrs. Lovett…this story might not be for you either. I'm pro Nellamin (Nellie + Benjamin) and I don't like Lucy much at all.
Okay, barber fanatics, read on and fall into the abyss known as my mind.
The sky is dark and fog engulfs the city, London. A ship makes its way through a murky bay and a young man with a happy look, which does not match the weather, is standing at the bow.
Anthony (the happy guy): I have sailed the world…beheld its wonders from the black market to Aussies pirating this DVD…but there's no place like LONDON!
A man with a heap of dark eyeliner and a dark streak through his white hair, steps forward. He is brooding over what we, as an audience, shall presume is a memory of a better life and how it was snatched from him.
Teeney (the Emo dude): No there's no place like the black market….I mean, uh, London!
Anthony: Mr. Swodd?
Teeney: You are young…life has been kind to you….you will learn. There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with cock suckers who can't handle it….so they ruin the lives of others…acting like magpies, ravens and plovers.
At the top of the hole…is where I sat…making mock of everyone below that…..I too, have sailed the world beheld its wonders…for the Black Market in India is as wondrous as DVDs but there's no place like home! (He clicks his sparkly, red heels together three times.)
Anthony: (face palm.)
The ship docks in the bay, the Emo dude and the fresh faced youngster step off. Under an archway Anthony glances at Teeney Swodd who has changed back to normal shoes now.
Anthony: Is everything all right, Mr. Swodd?
Teeney: (looking around evilly, eyes darting from building to building) I beg your indulgence Anthony; my mind is far from easy…In these once familiar streets I feel ghosts.
Anthony: No, you feel shadows.
Teeney: Huh? What?
Anthony: The line is this, "I beg your indulgence, Anthony, my mind is far from easy…in these once familiar streets I feel SHADOWS,"
Teeney: Are you sure?
Anthony: Positive!
Teeney: Only fools are positive, Anthony.
Anthony: (sighing and pressing his lips together) let's try it again!
Teeney: I beg your indulgence, Anthony, my mind is far from easy, in these once familiar streets I see…dead people. (His face is white and solemn before he almost collapses, laughing).
Anthony: (face palm.)
Teeney: Whatever….I have to sing that song about that whore wife of mine now.
Anthony steps forward.
Teeney: There was a barber and his wife…and she was a stupid ditz …a dumb ass barber and his wife….she was the giver of their daughter's life (duh, Teeney!) and she was such a cow.
Anthony: So?
Teeney: SHUT UP!!! I'M REMINISCING!
Anthony: Whatever…
Teeney: There was a perverted, asshole, mother fucking, ass kissing, paedophile judge who saw….that she was a whorish bitch!!
Anthony: Swearing enough?
Teeney: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!! Now….where was I? Ah…yes! Who with a flick of his bloody wand banished the barber from his plate.
Anthony: Wand?
Teeney: Yes…this is Harry Potter!! Snape has a wand!!
Anthony: This isn't Harry Potter…in fact neither of us are even in Harry Potter!
Teeney: Shut up!!! Then there was nothing left to wait! And she would fall so soft, so young…so lost and oh so desperate!!!!!!
Anthony: I don't understand…if you hated her then shouldn't you be applauding the guy who took her?
Teeney: I have to have something to complain about or there wouldn't be a story line, dumbass!
Anthony: (rolls his eyes) Will I see you again?
Teeney: (Eyebrows hitting hairline) I really didn't think you swung that way, boy, but sure…I'll be around Feet Street.
Anthony: It's Fleet not Feet.
Drivenbyrevenge: No, it's actually Feet! CONTINUE!!!
Teeney: (strutting off) There's a hole in the world, like a great, black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit and the black market is too far away from London….
He finds himself glaring over at a pie shop…his old home.
He walks over the dirty, filthy, grimy, repulsive street and opens a door and looks into a shop, dirtier than the street.
A woman gasps and runs forward, pushing him onto a dusty chair
Mrs. Novett: Ah! A customer! Wait…what's your rush…what's your hurry?? You gave me such a…fright…you look white as a ghost! Half a minute…can't you sit! Sit you down…SIT!
All I meant is that I 'aven't seen a customer for weeks…Did you come here for some cheese, sir? Do forgive me if it's mouldy and gone off! It's not the best! But it's all I can afford…well; I think my ol' cow's 'ad the plague…and so does the bloody rest of London!
Mind you I can 'ardly blame 'em…this is probably the worst cheese in London…I know why nobody cares to eat it…I should know…I sell it! THE WORST CHEESE IN LONDON!
Teeney: I thought this was a pie shop.
Mrs. Novett: PIES!? HA! You're 10 years late, Mr. Sexy Eyes! (She perches herself on the table he is sitting at and forces a piece of rancid cheese through his gritted teeth.
Sweeney: OH MY GOD!! WHAT IS THIS!!!!!???
Mrs. Novett: The product of me ol' cow's sour milk, love.
Teeney: Clearly… (He spits the pie…I mean the cheese out of his mouth and onto the floor boards.)
Mrs. Novett: Well, whatever, sexy….I need to tell you about what happened to Lucy, now so let's go round the back.
Teeney: I'm not interested in you.
Mrs. Novett: Well…we'll see, love.
Teeney: No…no we won't
Mrs. Novett: C'mon, time for some gin.
Teeney: I told you…I'm not interested.
Mrs. Novett: (standing up and glaring down on him) GET YOUR SEXY ASS AROUND THE BACK SO WE CAN FINISH THIS BLOODY SCENE!!!!!
Teeney: You…you think my ass is sexy? (He looks at her with interest)
Mrs. Novett: Well…maybe…a bit...
Teeney: (shrugging) Well…you know after 15 years in a convict camp in Australia….you do a bit of hard labour, plus well I do work out.
Mrs. Novett: Oh…it shows.
Teeney: (standing up and walking to the doorway of the next room with Mrs. Novett) Well, thankyou…
Mrs. Novett: (stares at his butt as he walks through the door).
Teeney: Now, where's that gin?!
Mrs. Novett: Comin' up, sexy.
Teeney: I have a name.
Mrs. Novett: (smiley wickedly) BENJAMIN BARKER!!!
Teeney: Do I have to hit you over the head with a kettle?
Mrs. Novett: Can I tell my story now?
Teeney: Is about my bitch?
Mrs. Novett: Yeah.
Teeney: Go on…
Mrs. Novett: There was a barber and his wife….and he was goddamn sexy…a proper artist with a knife…but they transported him for life…ansd he was really hot! Barker...his name was…Benjamin Barker.
Teeney: Yes, thanks to you we already established, that he is my alter ego.
Mrs. Novett: He had this wife, you see…blonde little bitch, ditzy little skank…had no sense in her brain because she was a whore…poor thing, dumb thing.
There was this desperate man…wanted her to screw…he needed someone to do, every day he sent her a flower…but did she come down from her tower? Well yes she did, she went to live with the judge…strippin' for him each and every hour.
Teeney: No! He's meant to rape her and she's supposed to be heartbroken that she's lost me!!!
Mrs. Novett: This is a parody, love. (She twirls a bit of his black streak on her finger, which he snatches from her grasp.)
Teeney: Where is Lucy…where is my wife?
Mrs. Novett: She poisoned herself…dumb bimbo…arsenic.
Teeney: What for…I thought she went to live a sexy life with the judge…?
Mrs. Novett: Oh, yes, love, she did…for five years…
Teeney: Why five?
Mrs. Novett: Well that was when they cut off her credit card…and then Judge Turnip wouldn't get her another, so she committed suicide.
Teeney: It's Turpin not Turnip.
Mrs. Novett: Like I said before…this is a parody.
Teeney: Whatever…don't you need to reunite me with my razors now?
Mrs. Novett: Phh! NO! Ha…I sold them ol' things almost ten years ago!
Teeney: (shaking and twitching) You…you what??!!!
Mrs. Novett: I sold 'em!
Teeney: AAAAAH!! YOU BITCH!!! YOU'VE RUINED THE ENTIRE PLOT LINE!!!!
Mrs. Novett: This is a PARODY!! Drivenbyrevenge will work somethin' out!!
Teeney: (ignoring her) Oh…my precious shinies...why?....
Mrs. Novett: Oh…get over yourself!
Teeney: If I had my shinies…right now, I'd---
Mrs. Novett: Well you don't have 'em…so stop whining!
A noise like nothing else on earth is heard from outside…well, actually if you scraped a rake down a blackboard, while stabbing a rabid possum with a diamond encrusted sword, while twisting the vine of a man eating flower around your leg, while clanging a few saucepans together…then you might have something similar.
Mrs. Novett: Bloody Hell, the flamin' oompa loompas are fightin' again.
She rushes outside leaving an extremely bewildered Teeney sitting with nothing but half a glass of gin.
A/N: Anyone like it? I'm sorry if you're blond, I know that a lot of blond people have gone on to lead relatively normal lives (Britney Spears, anyone?) but…well, I really don't like Lucy much, sorry! I would love reviews for this because I've never written a parody before…the next chapters should be funnier.
Review please, your opinion means a lot to me!