Smokes and Mirrors

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'Today sucked. Let's eavesdrop on Matt and Near.'

A/N; AU. This takes place after the Kira case [Light's not Kira] and Near, Matt, and Mello live in an apartment together. Near's a bit OOC but I would think that he would react somewhat like this.. Sorta. :D

Oh and with Mello's internal dialogue, time magically stops so he could talk to himself. C: WIN!

Mello cursed. He cursed at everything in the whole freaking world. And that potted plant. He hated that plant. Where was he..? Oh yeah;

Hell, he was in such a bad mood, he even glared at that little old lady who sits in a rocking chair in front of the apartments, knitting. She cowered and clutched onto her scarf as if he'd steal it. He felt bad, but he didn't think that going up to her and apologizing would help in his currently mood; he looked ready to kill someone.

Which reminded him.. God damn fucking shit-heads who can't do fucking anything for their lives, I should just blow all of their brains out and hang them from a flagpole or something. Dear God, I sound like fucking B. Next I'll be eating strawberry jam and telling random people on the street that they're going to die.. He had a steady stream of expletives going when he heard Matt and Near through the door.

Mello grinned, what was going on his mind was, to put it simply, 'Today sucked. Let's eavesdrop on Matt and Near.'

"No," said Near, sounding surprisingly adamant.

"But Near-"

"Matt, what possessed you to think that I would let you bring that anywhere near my person?"

"Near, it's just-"

"Don't you "it's just" me. And I swear Matt if you try poking that thing at me.." Mello's grin faded, what the fuck were they doing?

"C'mon Near, it'll be fun."

"It won't be "fun", it'll hurt."

"Who said that it'd hurt? I'll make sure that it doesn't hurt at all." Mello was going to throw up. He really was. If they were doing what he thought he was.. He didn't even want to think about it.

...

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT GODDAMNIT.

'Shut up, they're talking again.'

DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP I SHOULD SHOOT YOU, YOU LITTLE-

'Light's right. You are an idiot.'

Sweat-drop.

"Just because Matt enjoys doing such activities does not necessarily mean that I will."

"Sure you would Near, I'll make it enjoyable for you. And after, you'd be glad that you did."

"…You're not going to stop bothering me until I let you, correct?"

"Pretty much."

".. Fine.. On one condition. Mello is never, I shall repeat myself, never, to hear about this, understand?"

"Yes, sir."

Mello found that he was unable to move. He just sat there. Crouched by the stupid potted plant.

For the next few minutes, all he heard was murmuring and an occasional 'ow.' from Near.

A few minutes later..

"Ahh! Jesus Near, look what you made me do! You're not supposed to move! Look at this it's all over me!"

"Hmm.. So it would seem." Smugness practically radiated from every word. Cocky bastard.

"Bastard." Lol.

"Don't insult my parents."

"Near. We're orphans. We don't have parents."

"Oh, then you won't get mad when I say.. How should I put it? 'Your mom.'"

"Your mo- … Do you even know what that means?"

"Not particularly no. I overheard someone saying it, and saw the boy get overly defensive. Though I do not see what is so insulting about talking about one's mother."

The door burst open, revealing Mello, with his hand clasped firmly over his eyes.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?!"

Total silence.

Mello peeked from under his hand and surveyed the scene. Matt and Near were on the couch, staring at him with identically bewildered expressions. The mascara wand that Matt was holding, fell out of his hand.

Ohh.

Okay.

No sex.

That's good.

Wait what? Mascara?

I know, I know.

Phail attempt at humor. D:

Likey, no likey?