Haunted

This is based on Evanescence's song "Haunted". It's really, really short, and I'm sorry about that. I wrote it on my iPod between classes. So... yeah. This is one of the more cryptic stories I've ever written, and it's my first on here, so I guess I'm starting a reputation for myself.

WARNINGS: Very blantantly hints at suicide.

Once again, sorry about the low quality of the story.

- Lilly D.

Five years ago I thought it was a rebellion. You were my worst enemy, and I got such a rush from loving you. There weren't explanations or reasons for our relationship. There wasn't any chemistry that bonded us. On my part it was simple interest. I never knew my curiosity would be my immolation. Back then it meant nothing. A wacky high school fling. Its haunted me in every moment since.

Now every breath you take is one that guarantees my misery. Your essence radiates from every fiber of my being. Even I'm not aware of who I am anymore. You've warped me into something that's yours. I know it's you that keeps me together. The fear, pain, and memories are the glue that keeps me going.

I love you because you're what I have. My friends and family are gone because they hate what I've become. If I were what I was, I'd have left so long ago. But that unexplainable love keeps me holding on for something between us to change and for that rush to return. I know it won't, but I can't bring myself to move on.

Long lost words whisper slowly to me
Still can't find what keeps me here
When all this time I've been so hollow inside
I know you're still there

I live in constant awareness. You have what you'd always wanted: me wrapped around your finger. It's as though your presence exists within my very mind, and I can't shake you off. Not only do you watch my every move, but you see every thought in my head, and I'm not even my own person. I only breathe because you let me.

Maybe you enjoyed yourself, watching the once self-confident, arrogant, intelligent Kyle Broflovski become unnerved by your very existence. Maybe it humors you to lurk in every crevice of my mind. Really, though, what have you won from your accomplishment? There's no fight anymore. I learned long ago that I could no longer outsmart you.

The only rebelliousness left in me lies in the very top of our closet. A small handgun I bought not one year ago. I got it for my own death, but it has yet to live out its purpose. There have been times where, as you sleep, I point the gun at you, my finger shaking on the trigger. I want it all to end. But I can't pull the damn thing. You're aware of the fact that I have it. I know you have no fear of me though. I'm too weak to use it. So you just laugh at my futile attempts as you dream, knowing that I'm under your thumb, ready to be squished instantly.

Watching me Wanting me
I can feel you pull me down
Fearing you
Loving you
I won't let you pull me down

I feel the cold weapon in my trembling hands, once again waiting on my courage to peak. You sleep peacefully, no worry in an ounce of your body. You know I won't do it. And as I stare at you with your closed eyes, your slightly parted lips, and the sound of your quiet snores, I know I can't do it either.

This is your control.

If I had enough emotion in me to feel hopelessness, I'd be overwhelmed. I just retain my blank stare, watching the steady rise and fall of your chest, wondering what would happen if it ceased. I would die down to nothing. My very body would wither away to nothing without you.

This is your control.

Blood rushes to my brain, and I feel it pulsing like a heartbeat. Your soul is merged with mine, and its as if I can feel the peacefulness that you experience as you sleep. It's been so long since I've been serene. I close my eyes and take in the beauteous calm that is somehow drifting inside of me now of all times.

Hunting you I can smell you
Alive
Your heart pounding in my head

When my eyes open, I see you staring up at me with an amused face. Your eyes aren't on the gun; they're on me, seeing if I'm really going to do it. I look back at you with the confidence I lost long ago. The weapon quivers uncertainly in my hand, though my grip on it is sure. My lips turn up into a sickening smirk as I turn the gun on myself.

This is my own action. My own and final decision. The choice you have no control over.

I won't let you pull me down

A very obvious hint, no? I heard that Evanescence broke up and I just HAD to write a songfic for one of their songs.

Please review, I like to hear your input.

I love you guys, and thanks for reading!!

- Lilly D.