A/N: So, here's my latest Criminal Minds story. It was originally supposed to be an entry for kdzl's March Madness Angst Challenge but I couldn't get it posted in time. But, here it is anyways. It takes place after the season 3 finale Lo-Fi and the season 4 season premiere Mayhem. Specifically, it has to do with the scene where JJ tells everyone she's pregnant and a certain Unit Chief's reaction. So, I hope you enjoy! Please R&R! Thanks!
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Criminal Minds.
I Wish…
She was dead. He never thought that when they'd signed up for this case that that would be the end result.
Agent Kate Joyner was dead.
He remembered the first time he'd met her. His first thought was how closely she resembled his wife. And then it soon became, who was this small, overbearing, presumptuous woman? Soon after, he learned that Kate Joyner, overbearing as she was, was excellent at what she did.
Now she was gone.
He wished the buzzing in his ears would be gone instead. Hotch tried to lay his head on the pillow of his standard issue hotel bed. But his mind was racing. He really wanted to forget the past 24 hours. Especially a certain revelation made by a certain team member.
To say he was shocked by JJ's pregnancy would be a great understatement. When had her relationship with Detective LaMontagne gotten so serious? They were even thinking of marriage?
He ran a shaky hand through his hair. He was an idiot. One question ran though his head: Why did he wait so long?
Hotch could finally admit to himself at that moment that he had feelings for the caring blonde. Yeah, he could admit it now, now that he had no chance at all. He was such a coward.
Hotch let out a remorseful sigh.
An unexpected knock came at his door. He had no idea who it could be, but knew it was probably important if they were disturbing his "sleep."
He got up slowly and opened the door.
"JJ?" he said surprised.
JJ rolled over in bed to see her… boyfriend, for lack of a better term, sleeping soundly. She smiled. She loved Will, she really did, but her mind couldn't help the wandering it wanted to do.
Now that the case was solved and she had a free moment to breathe she could now relive and analyze a certain unit chief's reaction to her unexpected revelation.
For that brief moment, before he was all business as usual, Hotch seemed almost… hurt.
And JJ couldn't really understand why. Hotch had always been polite and friendly with her. There were even moments when he truly got her and vice-versa, but there was nothing really… more.
So, what had changed with him? Had something changed? Was she just reading a little more into it? Was it all just hormones?
But, no, she knew she had seen and heard a twinge of something more in his eyes and voice.
JJ had to know what was up. Slowly, she got up out of bed. She looked at Will quickly before opening the door. He was still fast asleep. He'd always been a deep sleeper, ever since she'd known him.
JJ's heart fluttered as she made her way to the elevator. Now outside of her room, away from Will, she could finally admit where her curiosity stemmed from. It was a wonder she still had it, the crush she'd had on Hotch when she first met him, four years ago.
She remembered, being young and impressionable, meeting her older, sophisticated boss. She was a little star-struck. And even though she knew he was married, she always had the hope that he'd think of her affectionately.
When she finally got over her crush she'd found Will. And coincidentally Hotch's marriage fell apart It seemed that there was never a time for them anyways. But, she still had to know if there was something.
So, she took in a deep breath and knocked lightly, hesitantly on her boss's door.
The door opened after a minute, and in that minute she had almost bolted. But when the door opened and revealed Hotch looking tired and weary and above all surprised, she was kind of relieved that she had come. Because she'd forgotten in all her own drama that one of her boss's friends had just passed away.
"JJ?" Hotch said in surprise.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
He watched her shrug her shoulders in indifference. "I couldn't sleep…" she trailed off. "And… I just wanted to make sure you were all right?"
"Why?" he replied bluntly and at her taken aback look he softened his harsh tone. "I mean thanks. But, why do you think I need checking up on?"
He sure hoped JJ hadn't caught on to his feelings. He had been hiding his feelings—successfully, he thought—all these years, but he knew last night he may have let his guard down slightly.
"Because…" she started, a hint of incredulity at his apparent thickness in her voice. "Agent Joyner…"
"Oh," he breathed out, relieved that that was JJ's motive and not the other reason.
"Can I come in?" JJ asked, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Are you sure that's a good idea?" he asked quickly, without thinking.
The smile that was so prominent on her face suddenly faded away.
"What do you mean…" she trailed off, as a look of realization overcame her face. "You're right, you're tired. I shouldn't have come here, I'm sorry, I'll just go…"
"JJ, stop," he said bluntly. He took her hand and pulled lightly for her to enter the room. "Just come inside."
He shut the door behind her, letting go of her hand.
"Ok…" she said after the fact.
They stood awkwardly for a minute before Hotch realized he was making a pregnant woman stand.
"JJ, sit please, you're—" Hotch said, gesturing for the lone armchair in the room.
"Stop Hotch, I'll sit, but don't treat me like a delicate little girl now that I'm pregnant," JJ pleaded, taking the offered seat. "I couldn't stand that, not from you."
Hotch nodded in understanding. But he still brought over a blanket to throw over her bare shoulders.
"Sorry," he mumbled, as he took a seat at the foot of his bed.
JJ let out a sigh. "Don't be…"
Silence again, he couldn't really stand it. So he blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "JJ, what are you really doing here?"
"Hotch, I—" she started, but this time he cut her off.
"I really am ok with your pregnancy, really," he assured her.
She raised an eyebrow at him and he realized he sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than her.
And maybe he was. Now that JJ was pregnant there was even less of a chance for anything between them.
"What's wrong Hotch?" she asked him.
"Wrong? Nothing's really wrong. We stopped a terrorist group from blowing up a hospital, we saved a lot of lives," he paused. "Though, we lost Kate and many other innocent lives. But nothings wrong. Oh and your pregnant and maybe getting married to Will. Everything's great."
She was frowning at him. He hated when her frown was directed straight at him, especially since he knew he caused it. He only wanted to make her smile. But that wasn't his job that was Will's.
"Do I detect some bitterness?" she asked wryly.
"JJ what do you want me to say? This is the job. It's rarely going to make you smile or ok, you just have to deal with it. You don't have to like it, but you have to do it," he confessed.
She gave him an intense stare and then shocked him by asking, "So why don't you like my baby?"
"JJ—" he started, but stopped because he had no clue what to say.
She stood up to go, thinking he was finished. But he couldn't let her go thinking he was mad at the baby. It wasn't the baby's fault he was a coward. It was all his. And he'd be kicking himself over that fact for a long time.
JJ had reached for the door handle by the time he got himself moving. He put his hand over hers, stopping her.
She looked back over her shoulder silently.
"JJ, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave you that impression," he whispered to her. "I don't… hate your baby. JJ, I could never hate any part of you, ever."
She let out a sigh, turning around; she was very aware that his hand was still holding hers. "So what is it Hotch? I'm still here, and I will be back. I love my job; I'm not giving it up."
"No, I know that," he confirmed. His hand trailed from her hand up to her bare shoulder.
She glanced at his hand and then straight into his eyes. Her cornflower blue eyes were too intense, he almost looked away. "So, is it something else?"
"Yes," he murmured.
Now it was her hand that joined with his at her shoulder.
"What is it?" she asked urgently.
He shook his head dropping his hand and turning around. "JJ, I can't say, it would change everything."
She circled his body to face him once again. "What if… what if I want to know? What if I wanted change?" she asked, surprising him. "At least for this moment…"
She was giving him an opening, a chance to let her know just how he felt. But, he was still that same coward.
"JJ, I can't…" he began.
She put he fingers over his lips. "Hotch, please."
He gave her one brief nod and she dropped her fingers only to replace them with the touch of her lips.
It was just a graze of a kiss, but with it Hotch felt all his pent up emotions ready to burst. He wanted to tell her how he felt.
Pulling back, she was watching him intensely, her eyes told him she wanted more, so he eagerly bent his head back to hers and lost himself with her touch.
Hotch pulled them over to his bed where they continued to explore this new found thing between them.
After awhile, though, JJ pulled back. Hotch watched her carefully, a hand caressing her cheek tenderly.
Her eyes were closed, her head tipped down demurely. She was breathing heavily, trying to catch her breath, and her cheeks were pink with the effort.
She let out a sad sounding sigh.
"JJ?" He questioned tentatively.
"I love this baby," she started by saying, she opened her bright blue eyes and looked at him dead on. "But… I wish things were different. I wish I had the courage to tell you how I felt. I wish I had figured out you felt the same. I wish… I wish we were free to be together…"
Hotch took her hand and brought the palm to his lips for a kiss. "That's a lot of I wishes…" he said wryly.
He smiled at her but she just returned it with a sadder look.
"I'm sorry Hotch," she said mournfully, "about everything."
"Hey," he said quickly, placing a gentle hand to her stomach. "Don't be sorry about this. He's going to be great, just like his mother."
Finally she smiled. "He?"
"Of course, can't you feel it? You've got a future BAU agent growing in there," he joked.
She laughed. "BAU agents can be and are girls too, you know?"
"Sure, sure, but this one's a boy," he assured.
"So sexist…" she laughed. She let out another sad sigh. "I wish you… were the father…"
He let out a sigh of his own. "But, I'm not…"
With that JJ stood up.
Before she could go Hotch spoke up. "I'm glad you came here tonight," she waited for him to go on. "At least I know now."
She gave him a small smile, kissing his cheek, she replied, "At least we both know now."
JJ turned to leave as they both thought the same thing. Knowing, had to be enough for both of them, for now.
I hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you think, good or bad. Thanks!