Les Miserables: Abbreviated Edition
~ACT II~
~The next day~
ENJOLRAS: So how many are we up against?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Twenty five thousand, approximately…
ENJOLRAS: WHAT? How do you know that?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Well I don't. But the author just checked Wikipedia…
ENJOLRAS: [A bit faintly] Oh. Um. [gulps] Wow.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: And eight hundred casualties, give or take.
ENJOLRAS: Oh shit, we're all gonna die—Ahem, I mean, do me a favor, would you?
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Sure.
ENJOLRAS: Don't...uh…don't mention that to anyone else, okay? Historical facts aren't exactly good for everyone's morale right about now.
RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY: Uh, sure. But just so you know, we're all screwed.
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU.
JAVERT: [In disguise] Heh, I'm so sneaky.
EPONINE: [Also in disguise] So am I!
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Get the hell out of here, you moron.
EPONINE: [Giggles] You really like me, don't you?
MARIUS: Sure, whatever. Here, bring this to Cosette. [Hands her a letter]
EPONINE: What for?
MARIUS: Because in the twelve or so hours we've been apart I'm sure she's forgotten that I exist.
EPONINE: [rolls eyes] Oh, I'm sure… [to Valjean] Here's a letter for your daughter from a boy at the barricade…Ahem, I mean a love letter from her soulmate at the barricade…that she just met yesterday, by the way.
VALJEAN: [Takes letter] Oh, this oughta be good.
EPONINE: Oh yes. Have fun with that. [Walks away]
AUDIENCE: [becomes misty-eyed at the sweet tenderness of Marius' words as Valjean reads the letter aloud]
VALJEAN: So…going behind my back and doing God-knows-what with my daughter… I'll kill the bastard—Ahem, I mean…I wish them many years of bliss.
EPONINE: So I wander the slums of Paris at night all alone with an imaginary Marius. Is that weird?
CRAZYBEAGLE: It's dangerous, creepy, and borderline schizophrenic, honey. But every scorned woman in the audience feels your pain.
EPONINE: Who are you?
CRAZYBEAGLE: That's none of your concern. Now back to the story…
STUDENTS: Yay! The barricade is finished!
ENJOLRAS: Yup. And I want you all to overlook the fact that it's really not much more than a pile of random wooden crap, because it makes for one friggin' awesome set piece.
STUDENTS: Yay!
ARMY OFFICER: YOU AT THE BARRICADE LISTEN TO THIS! YOU'RE ALL SCREWED!
SAME RANDOM REVOLUTIONARY FROM BEFORE: See, I told you…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU. Damn their warnings, damn their lies!
STUDENTS: Yay!
JAVERT: [Still in disguise] So they're gonna starve us out, then attack from the right…
GAVROCHE: LIAR. Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce you to INSPECTOR JAVERT!
GRANTAIRE: Nicely done, Gavroche. And because we're so darn proud of you, we're not even going to question the fact that there's a small child on the barricade with us when it's going to be raining bullets up here in a matter of minutes.
PROUVAIRE: So, what should we do to him?
ENJOLRAS: The people will decide.
THE PEOPLE: Mwahaha…
JAVERT: Do what you will, but I SNEER in your general direction.
MARIUS: I told you to go home, you idiot. But as long as you're here, did you deliver the…
EPONINE: Yeah. You're welcome.
MARIUS: [Sees she's hurt] Uh, are you okay?
EPONINE: Oh, I'm just fine- [collapses]
MARIUS: [catches her] No, you're not. You're, um, bleeding profusely.
EPONINE: …And you're touching me! [Sighs dreamily]
MARIUS: …And you're severely injured.
EPONINE: ...And you're still touching me!
MARIUS: …And I think you're dying.
EPONINE: …Oh…so I am…but you're still touching me! [Dies]
MARIUS: …Wow. Now that she's gone, I kind of feel like a jerk... [Kisses her]
ENJOLRAS: No time for that right now! Back to business!
MARIUS: [Drops Eponine's body] Okay, then!
ENJOLRAS: And now that we have a casualty, we have an excuse to kick their sorry asses!
REBELS: Yay!
JOLY: Who are you?
VALJEAN: I AM JEAN VALJ—Ahem, I mean, I'm here to help.
JOLY: But you're obscenely old.
VALJEAN: So I am. But I can do THIS! [Shoots a sniper who is trying to shoot Enjorlas]
ENJOLRAS: All right! Welcome to the club.
VALJEAN: Give me the spy Javert!
ENJOLRAS: Give him to you…for what, exactly?
VALJEAN: Wouldn't you like to know…
ENJOLRAS: No, I wouldn't, actually. But go on ahead.
VALJEAN: Get out of here.
JAVERT: Hmph. I SNEER at your mercy. [But flees anyway]
JOLY: [Moderately intoxicated] Here's to…to…hot girls we've slept with.
GRANTAIRE: Uh-huh. And to not getting killed tomorrow.
REBELS: Cheers.
VALJEAN: BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME! BRING HIM HOOOOOME!
MARIUS: You DO know it's hard to sleep when you're singing like that…
VALJEAN: You shoulda thought of that before you started sneaking off with my daughter. BRING HIM HOOOOOOOOOOOME!
ENJORLAS: …Wow. We really are screwed.
FEUILLY: [Now very drunk] Well…here's to us being screwed.
REBELS: Cheers.
FEUILLY: We need ammo.
MARIUS: I'll get it!
ENJOLRAS: Uh, no.
VALJEAN: I'll get it!
GAVROCHE: I'll get it, you slowpokes!
CRAZYBEAGLE: Insert Gavroche's death here, because I can't and won't make fun of that.
ARMY OFFICER: YOU'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
ENJORLAS: Okay people, listen up. New plan. We're all gonna die, so let's die as epically as possible, got it?
REBELS: Yay! …Wait, what?
MARIUS: [Gets shot] …Ow. [Collapses]
ENJOLRAS: [Gets shot] …Dammit. Eh, might as well make it look awesome. [Splays himself out on the flag melodramatically and dies]
STUDENTS: [All get shot, and die in exaggerated slow motion as the audience resists the urge to roll their eyes]
VALJEAN: [Looking around at the pile 'o bodies] Huh. This is not good. [Sees Marius] Oh, crap...
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Ouch..."]
VALJEAN: Well, Cosette will never forgive me if I just let you rot here. [Opens the sewer hatch, climbs in, and flops Marius around quite comically while trying to lift him into the sewers]
MARIUS: … [Translation: "OUCH. Stop that."]
VALJEAN: [Struggling to carry Marius] Ugh, after all this, this boy BETTER make all of Cosette's wildest dreams come true… [Drops Marius unceremoniously and collapses]
MARIUS: …urgh… [Translation: "Are you TRYING to kill me?"]
THENARDIER: [Steals Marius' ring] I'm just gonna take this, if you don't mind… Of COURSE you don't mind! 'Cause you're DEAD! AHAHAHA!
VALJEAN: Back off! He's MINE!
MARIUS: … [Translation: "What exactly do you mean by that…?"]
JAVERT: YOOOOOOOU!
VALJEAN: [Exasperated sigh] Really?!
JAVERT: Yes, really.
VALJEAN: Can we do this later?
JAVERT: NOOOO!
VALJEAN: Do you not SEE this dying guy right here?
MARIUS: … [Translation: "Yeah, what he said."]
JAVERT: Ugh…fine. But I'll be waiting for you, 24601!
VALJEAN: No, MY NAME IS JEAN VAL- Eh, never mind. [Flees]
JAVERT: AAAGH! I cannot LIVE in a world where people show MERCY! Ha ha, THIS will show him… [Flings himself into the river Seine] Glub glub glub… [Translation: "On second thought, maybe this wasn't such a good idea…"]
PARISIAN WOMEN: [Looking at the dead students] Huh, look at that, they're all dead! Serves the morons right…
MARIUS: They're all dead, and I'm not… AUGH! THE GUILT!
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [Stare him down]
MARIUS: Hey, don't look at me. [Points at ghost of Enjorlas] Just because I've got massive survivor's guilt doesn't mean it was my fault.
GHOSTS OF THE STUDENTS: [All heads turn to glare menacingly at ghost of Enjolras]
GHOST OF ENJOLRAS: [Nervous laughter] Heh heh heh, you didn't have to listen to me, y'know.
COSETTE: Serenade me, Marius!
MARIUS: Okay!
COSETTE AND MARIUS: A HEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE…
MARIUS: I WAS LOST IN YOUR SPEEEEELL—ugh…ow…
COSETTE: What?
MARIUS: On second thought, maybe attempting to loudly serenade you when I'm recovering from serious bullet wounds isn't such a good idea…I think I popped some stitches…
COSETTE: SERENADE ME, DAMMIT.
MARIUS: [Cowers] Uh…okay then…A-a h-heart full of yooooou…
COSETTE: That's better.
VALJEAN: Ah, young love. Oh, by the way, Marius…
MARIUS: Yeah?
VALJEAN: I'm an ex-convict, Cosette isn't really my daughter, and I'm leaving forever because that's what's best for her.
MARIUS: What…?
VALJEAN: Yup. And it's up to you to think up some reasonable explanation for my sudden and mysterious departure. [Flees]
MARIUS: Uh…okay?
WEDDING CHORUS: YAY! Finally a couple with a happy ending!
MARIUS: Yeah, except for the massive emotional baggage I'm bound to have for the rest of my life.
COSETTE: Yeah, except for the fact that I'm stuck with a guy who's bound to have massive emotional baggage for the rest of his life. Not to mention the sudden and mysterious departure of my father.
THE THENARDIERS: [In disguise] Heh, we're so sneaky.
MARIUS: No, you're really not. Go away. You're terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes. Yes we are. But we've got dirt on Valjean.
MARIUS: Okay…
THENARDIER: I took this from some guy he killed. [Shows Marius his ring]
MARIUS: So Valjean saved me! And stealing stuff off people who aren't really dead is very rude.
THENARDIER: So it is. Pay up, boy.
MARIUS: [Throws money at him and punches him.]
THENARDIER: Ow. Ah well, at least we got your money. See you all in hell! [Flees]
VALJEAN: …So at this point, I serve no real purpose in the play anymore. Might as well will myself to die now!
GHOST OF FANTINE: Okay, so I forgive you for letting me get fired and thus ruining the remainder of my life, because Cosette turned out okay. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Certainly!
COSETTE: What? No!
MARIUS: SIR, I OWE YOU MY LIFE, THANK YOU SO MUCH-
VALJEAN: [Ignoring Marius completely] Oh Cosette! You're here! Now I can die happy!
COSETTE: What? No!
VALJEAN: Here, let me write down the story of my past for you, because I plan to be conveniently dead before I have to undergo the awkwardness of actually explaining it to you…
GHOSTS OF FANTINE AND EPONINE: Ahem, we don't have all day. Are you ready to die now?
VALJEAN: Yes!
VALJEAN, FANTINE, EPONINE: TO LOVE ANOTHER PERSON IS TO SEE THE FACE OF GOD…
GHOST OF EPONINE: [Glares at Marius] Actually, that depends.
GHOST OF FANTINE: That's because you were stalking him, dear. There's a difference. Now, are we ready?
VALJEAN: Yes! [Dies]
CAST: DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SIIIIIIIIING!
AUDIENCE: [Weeping and applauding]
THE END!