Les Misérables- Abbreviated Edition
So I actually got around to listening to my dad's copy of the Symphonic Recording, and I had an immediate "Where has this musical been all my life?" sort of epiphany. I will get around to writing some real Les Miz fanfics in the near future, but in the meantime, I present Act I of my shameless parody. Inspired by LostOzian's "RENT in 56 Seconds" and "Wicked in 62 Seconds."
~ACT I~
~Toulon, 1815~
CONVICTS- LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives SUCK!
VALJEAN- Tell me about it… 19 freaking years for doing the right thing…
JAVERT- I really hate you. But you get parole now.
VALJEAN: Yay! MY NAME IS JEAN VALJEAN!
JAVERT: Whatever. I've got my eyes on you, buddy.
FARMER: You're fired.
VALJEAN: *sigh* Okay then…
INKEEPER'S WIFE: Go away.
VALJEAN: Fine, geez. [Sits down, all dejected.] Well, this sucks.
BISHOP: Here, take advantage of my hospitality and by all means, steal my stuff!
VALJEAN: Alrighty then! [Steals cup]
COPS: Who stole your cup?
BISHOP: [Points at Valjean] Definitely not this guy.
COPS: [Shrug and walk away]
BISHOP: [Gives Valjean the candlesticks] And while you're at it, take these too, you assho- Ahem, I mean, go and the Lord's blessing be upon you.
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Time to go be a good person.
~Montreuil-sur-Mer, 1823~
THE POOR: AT THE END OF THE DAY! AT THE END OF THE DAY! Our lives SUCK!
FANTINE: Tell me about it.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: The foreman's being particularly nasty today…
RANDOM WOMAN 2: Eh, he's just horny and desperate.
RANDOM WOMAN 1: [Grabs Fantine's letter] "Send us money, blah blah blah, your kid needs a doctor…" Hey boss! Fantine's a slut!
FOREMAN: Oh Fantine, I want you so much- Ahem, I mean, you're fired.
FANTINE: *sob* I DREAMED A DREEEEEEAM…of a life that didn't SUCK.
WHORES: STANDING-UP-OR-LYING-DOWN-OR-ANY-WAY-AT-ALL!
FANTINE: Eew…
RANDOM WHORE: Eh, you're no better than the rest of us, kid. Care to join us?
FANTINE: Alrighty, then!
BAMATABOIS: Sleep with me!
FANTINE: Eew…
BAMATABOIS: [Whacks her with a walking stick] SLEEP WITH ME! [Sees Javert] Officer! Arrest her! She rejected- Ahem, I mean, she attacked me!
JAVERT: You're under arrest!
FANTINE: But…but…my daughter!
JAVERT: Shut up. This is Les Misérables, and we don't care about children in this play.
GAVROCHE: Tell me about it….
CROWD: LOOK OUT! It's a conveniently-timed runaway cart!
FAUCHELEVANT: Oh, crap…
VALJEAN: [Rescues him]
FAUCHELEVANT: Bless you, sir!
JAVERT: Hrmm, you look awful familiar.
VALJEAN: [Nervous laughter] Oh, really? Imagine that…
JAVERT: Eh, nevermind. Guess not. Anyway, I just caught the bastard, and his trial is conveniently today! You should drop by!
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! Oh well, only one thing to do… [Appears in front of court, dramatically rips open shirt] I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
COURT: Aagh! IT'S HIDEOUS!
VALJEAN: [Closes shirt sheepishly and flees the scene]
FANTINE: [Dying pathetically in a bed] Cosette…?
VALJEAN: No! I AM JEAN VALJEAN!
FANTINE: Oh…So you're the bastard who let me get fired…
VALJEAN: Aagh! THE GUILT! I shall care for your Cosette!
FANTINE: Yeah, you'd better… [dies]
JAVERT: YOOOOU!
VALJEAN: Hey, buddy, think of the kid…
JAVERT: I TOLD you, we don't CARE about CHILDREN in this play! You're under arrest.
VALJEAN: [Rolling up sleeves] Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way…
JAVERT: Bring it.
VALJEAN: [Knocks him out and runs for his life]
YOUNG COSETTE: *sobs* SOMEBODY LOVE ME!
MME. THENARDIER: SHUT UP, YOU!
THENARDIER: I'm just a dirty rotten bastard, aren't I?
DRINKERS: Yes, you are!
MME. THENARDIER: YES, YOU ARE.
THENARDIER: I'll drink to that.
DRINKERS: So will we!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
VALJEAN: You are terrible people.
THE THENARDIERS: Why yes, we are!
VALJEAN: Come on, Cosette.
COSETTE: Yay!
VALJEAN AND COSETTE: La la la la la…
~Paris, 1832 [Not a good year to be a Parisian!]~
BEGGARS: LOOK DOWN! LOOK DOWN! Our lives suck!
ENJOLRAS: They won't for long!
MARIUS: Not if we have anything to do with it!
GAVROCHE: LONG LIVE US!
AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO ALREADY KNOW THE STORY: [Cringe at the irony of the previous line]
THENARDIER: Let's go rob a house!
ROBBERS: YAY!
MARIUS: Eponine, you're my best friend in the whole wide world!
EPONINE: Well that's good, because I love y-
MARIUS: Yeah, whatever.
EPONINE: *sigh*
MME. THENARDIER: Time to go rob a house, Eponine!
MARIUS: What…?
EPONINE: STAY OUT OF THIS! [Runs away]
MARIUS: Oh, well… [Bumps into Cosette, and from the strings section immediately comes a sappy, swelling, romantic melody]
AUDIENCE: Huh, three guesses what happens next…
MARIUS: Forgive me, I did not see you there. [As she walks away] You know, I think I may just be madly and eternally in love with her.
THENARDIER: Hey, I remember you!
VALJEAN: *Nervous laughter* Heh heh, no you don't…
EPONINE: RUN! It's Javert!
VALJEAN: Okay, I'm outta here.
JAVERT: There will be JUSTICE! And YOU will ROT in HELL! I swear it by the STARS!
MARIUS: So guess what?
EPONINE: What?
MARIUS: Two minutes ago I saw some random girl, and now I'm madly and eternally in love with her.
EPONINE: [Trying not to cry] Well that's just…great. *sniff*
MARIUS: Will you find her for me, bestest friend in the whole wide world? [Gives her a coin]
EPONINE: [Hands him the coin] You can just take this and shove it up your…Ahem, I mean…I can't accept this.
MARIUS: [Pouts] Pretty please?
EPONINE: *Sigh* On my way. [Once out of earshot] …Cosette can go die in a ditch….
ENJOLRAS: ANARCHY! REVOLUTION! JUSTICE SCREAMING FOR SOLUTION!
JOLY: …Uh, wrong musical…
ENJOLRAS: SHUT UP, YOU! Marius, you're late.
GRANTAIRE: Ooh, somebody's in looooove!
MARIUS: [Nods dreamily]
ENJOLRAS: Eew, with a GIRL? That's it, you're out of the club- Ahem, I mean…focus, people. Revolution.
MARIUS: …but she was so hot…
ENJOLRAS: FOCUS.
STUDENTS: REVOLUTION!
GAVROCHE: General Lamarque is dead!
ENJOLRAS: Time to go kill some imperialist bitches. WHO'S WITH ME?
STUDENTS: Yay! DO-YOU-HEAR-THE-PEOPLE-SING!
COSETTE: Huh…That guy who almost bowled me over earlier…I think I might just be madly and eternally in love with him. And Papa, please tell me all of the deep, dark secrets of your past.
VALJEAN: No.
MARIUS: There she is! IN MY LIIIIIFE SHE HAS BURST LIKE THE MUSIC OF ANGELS, THE LIGHT OF THE SUUUUN!
EPONINE: [gags]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: …Whatever. [Once out of earshot] I hope she gets fat and that all your children are ugly.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEART FULL OF LOOOOOVE!
MARIUS: *contented sigh* This is great.
COSETTE: I know, right?
MARIUS: What's your name, by the way?
COSETTE: Cosette.
MARIUS: Oh, nice to meet you. Now where were we?
MARIUS AND COSETTE: A HEEEEEEART FULL OF YOOOOOOU!
EPONINE: Is no one else seeing the ridiculousness of this!? [Sees Montparnasse] *Nervous laughter* Oh, so you guys are gonna rob this house…
THENARDIER: That was the plan.
EPONINE: Not anymore. I'm gonna scream.
THENARDIER: Do it and die, kid.
EPONINE: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
THENARDIER: Why you little… [Flees]
MARIUS: Thank you, Eponine!
EPONINE: [Grumbling] Yeah, yeah…
VALJEAN: What the hell's going on?
COSETTE: Sinister shadows beyond the wall!
VALJEAN: Oh crap. My Javert-senses are tingling…
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MORE…
ENJOLRAS: …until revolution!
EPONINE: …on my own.
VALJEAN: …until he finds me.
MARIUS AND COSETTE: …until our one-day anniversary.
JAVERT: …until I betray them all.
THE THENARDIERS: …until everybody DIES.
AUDIENCE: Ain't that the truth...
EVERYBODY: ONE DAY MOOOOOOORE!
~End Act I~