Title: Still in the Game

Author: Moonfairyhime

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek.

Summary: "I had hoped that, out of all the horrors you have experienced in your life, you would have been spared from Tarsus IV. It pains me deeply, Jim, that you were on Tarsus even in this timeline."

Author's Notes: This is my first foray into this fandom. So please, comments and criticisms are especially helpful! A very huge thank you to the wonderful dragongirl16 for her quick and speedy beta! Title from the wonderful Joe Diffie song "Ships That Don't Come In".

Written for prompt 30 for the lj community tarsus_iv_fic's challenge. The original prompt was: I would love for Spock Prime, on the anniversary of Tarsus, to find a way to be with Nu!Jim. If you can make it work, it'd be lovely for Nu!Spock to wonder why his elder counterpart has basically hidden away with his captain and being all jealous and then finding out what had happened.

..Well, that was the prompt at least. Turns out that I like to make Jim ramble on and on about Tarsus. Evidently, making Jim talk about painful situations in his past makes my day better. Who knew? And I'm not joking about the rambling part. This is the fic that would not end.

…Evidently, these are the author's notes that wouldn't end either.

"Ambassador," Jim Kirk's smirk was in full view. Spock, who had come with his captain to meet the Ambassador, couldn't help but note that, unlike the many other times that Jim Kirk smiled, this smile actually reached his eyes. "It's good to see you again."

"You as well, my friend," the Ambassador smiled at Jim and both Spock and Bones twitched at the gesture.

Bones eyed the smiling ambassador. Jim had told him that the old Vulcan was actually Spock from another universe, but the way the old hobgoblin was smiling at Jim, Bones had his doubts. "If you don't mind me asking, Ambassador, why did you request that the Enterprise pick you up from your mission on Eltador VIII?"

"Bones!" Jim glared at his best friend before smiling at the Ambassador. "Ignore him, Ambassador. He's just cranky 'cause he hasn't had a chance to hypo me yet today. Believe me, we didn't mind making the trip to get you. Besides, Starbase 4 is on our way to our next mission, so it's no problem to drop you off there at all."

The Ambassador looked at Spock and Bones before looking at Jim. "I would prefer to talk about the reason I am here in private, Jim. Perhaps now, if you are free."

A flash of recognition went through Jim's eyes and for a moment, his entire countenance seemed pained. However, he smiled again (and Spock was displeased to note that this smile did not reach his eyes). Jim nodded. "Absolutely. Spock, you have the conn."

"Captain – " Spock started, but when the two turned back to him, Jim confused but wary and the Ambassador eyeing him, he suppressed the urge to sigh. "I just wanted to remind you that, at our current rate of travel, we will be at Starbase 4 late tomorrow."

"I am well aware of this fact, Mr. Spock," Jim said. The Ambassador looked at his younger counterpart, a smile lurking in his eyes.

"Very good, Captain. I will see you tomorrow on the bridge then, sir."

"Actually, Spock… I have tomorrow off and then I'm on gamma the day after." Jim said, before nodding at his friends and leaving the transporter room. The Ambassador looked at Spock and Bones before raising an eyebrow, seeming to confirm a fact, before following the young captain.

Bones narrowed his eyes at the closed door. "Now what do you suppose is going on with the two of them?"

If Spock were human, he would have shrugged. Instead, he merely stated, "I do not know," before promising himself that he would soon discover the reason what was going on with his captain.

"You know." There was no way that Ambassador could have confused that statement for a question.

Sequestered in Jim's room, the elder Spock looked at Jim. "I had hoped that, out of all the horrors you have experienced in your life, you would have been spared from Tarsus IV. It pains me deeply, Jim, that you were on Tarsus even in this timeline."

Jim snorted. "Believe me, Ambassador, it pains me too." He paused for a second. "But… your Kirk, he went through it too?"

Spock nodded. "Yes, sadly, my Jim was not spared. He was only a young boy, sent by his parents to encourage his love of space and his need to explore. In the end, he was one of the few spared. We did not talk about it much – Jim could be very good about setting aside emotions until he was ready to deal with them and I do not believe he was ever ready to fully deal with what he had seen. But enough about what was. If you wish, Jim, I would like to hear about your experience on Tarsus. After all, I came to the Enterprise for your sake, not for your counterpart's."

Jim's face softened slightly at the open declaration of friendship. He opened his mouth when there was a chime from the door. Jim sighed, but it was Spock who levered himself out of the chair he was sitting on to answer the door. He was not at all surprised by the appearance of Jim's first officer on the other side. Although Jim had told him, in their many missives to each other, that he felt like he and Spock were no closer to getting along than when he sent Spock to Jim seven months ago, the elder Spock disagreed. He saw the worried tilt to his younger version's eyebrows and… was that a flash of annoyance at seeing the elder Spock in Jim's quarters? Fascinating. Upon seeing his first officer at the door, Jim got out of his chair and stood next to the Ambassador.

"Forgive me for disturbing you, Ambassador, Captain. I merely wanted to know if the captain would like to play chess tonight." Although Spock never said "like we do almost every night", the Ambassador heard the words loud and clear. The Ambassador wondered, for a brief moment, if he was that obvious in his want for Jim's attention as this Spock is. The elder Vulcan shoved the thought aside. It seemed, no matter what universe, that a Spock would always be at the side of a James Tiberius Kirk. As it should be.

Jim looked apologetic. "I'm sorry, Spock. But since the Ambassador just got here, we have some catching up to do. Can we play some other night?"

"Of course, sir." Spock turned from the door before pausing. "Captain…"

"Yes, Spock?"

Spock looked distinctly uncomfortable for a moment. He looked at his elder self before looking at Jim again. "Good night, Captain."

"Night, Spock." Jim watched the door shut on his first officer before turning and smiling to the Ambassador. "Well, that was sufficiently awkward. Wonder what's up with him."

"I believe that my counterpart is worried about you, Jim," the Ambassador looked at this universe's Jim Kirk. He ignored the derisive snort that Jim gave him. "Now, my friend, where were we?"

But the mood for the story has been sufficiently broken. Instead, Jim shrugged. "I'm usually three sheets to the wind at this point since, you know, the anniversary is tomorrow… But I didn't want to risk anything happening and me not being able to respond." Jim looked at the Ambassador and shrugged again. Another constant in any universe, Spock was pleased to note – the Enterprise meant more to Jim than anything else in all the galaxies and he would do anything to make sure that no harm would come to her or his command of her.

"A very commendable action, Jim. I assume that my counterpart and Doctor McCoy do not know about the circumstances surrounding tomorrow."

"You'd be correct. I think Bones suspects something, but he doesn't know what. He has access to some of my files, but it would take an act of God to get Starfleet to admit that George Kirk's kid and the 'hero of the Federation'," Jim's eye roll told the elder Spock what he thought of that title, "was on Tarsus and was one of the ones Kodos slated to be killed. Even though we roomed together in the Academy, I always disappeared around this time and got drunk. I don't think Bones thought there was any special occasion behind it. After all, I thought any and every Friday was a great reason to go out and get drunk."

"And Spock?"

Jim shrugged again. "Even if he does, I'm not sure he'd care. We've become better friends, sure. But really, since our friendship started with him trying to kill me on the bridge, I think the fact that we can now hold a civil conversation together is a minor miracle."

"I once told my Jim that he could almost make me believe in miracles. Give yourself time, Jim, and perhaps you can convince both yourself and me that miracles exist."

Jim's snort was his answer to that. "I mean, we play chess a lot. And I've managed to beat him a few times - and the epic eyebrow raise of doom I got for that was awesome. So, I guess we're working on it. Now… how do you feel about a game of chess?" Jim's smile was bright, but fake and Spock knew that he no opportunity now to learn more about Jim and his experiences on Tarsus or ask about Jim and his counterpart. Instead, he did the only thing he could do in a situation when faced with a stubborn James T. Kirk.

He gave in.

"I would like that, Jim."

"So what did you find out?" McCoy didn't even bother to look up from his padd when Spock walked into sickbay.

"I do not know what you mean, Doctor."

"Bullshit. You went to Jim's room. The Ambassador was there, wasn't he?"

"…Indeed." Spock moved his hands to rest at his back. "I asked Jim if he would like to play a game of chess and was refused."

"Well, Spock, you know what they say about plans."

"No, Doctor, I do not know what they say."

McCoy finally looked at Spock. "'The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.'"

"I am not sure what you mean by the expression, Doctor; however, I can assure you that I am not at all part mouse."

"Look, Jim may think it's cute when you play ignorant Vulcan, but I'm a busy man down here. What do you want to ask me, Spock?"

"Do you know why the Ambassador is here? He implied that he has some concern for Jim's welfare. I am unsure as to whether or not there is something wrong with Jim that we should be aware of."

"What's this? Worried about our captain? Ain't that an emotion?" Bones smirked for a moment but continued before Spock could say something. "I'm worried too, Spock. Jim's a good kid, don't get me wrong, but there's something about tomorrow that's always gotten to him. When we were at the Academy, tomorrow was always a day that he would get drunk as all get out. Every year, didn't matter what was going on. He would drink like a man determined to run away from his problems, that the solution would be in the bottom of the next glass. The only other times I saw him drink like that…"

"Doctor?"

Bones looked at Spock, worry plain in his eyes. "Was when it was an anniversary of something. His father's death, when his brother walked out on him. I asked him about it a few times, but every time I asked him, Jimmy would deflect. Would ask me about Joanna or drag me to a different bar. And after the day passed, the kid would be back to normal. And I don't want to bring up shit that he doesn't want to talk about. Kid's always been good at leaving my past alone, so best I can do is return the favor."

"I see." Spock said. "However, as first officer, it is my responsibility to make sure that the captain is well and able to perform his duties at all times."

Bones snorted, understanding what the Vulcan wasn't saying. "Well, ask Jim to breakfast tomorrow. See if the Ambassador is still there. Even if he is, you could still talk to Jim, see if he'll tell you what the hell bothering him."

"That was a refreshingly logical suggestion, Doctor. I may have to do that. Farewell, Doctor."

Bones sighed, looking at his padd. "What the hell is going on with you, Jim Kirk? You've got two Vulcans worried about you, and that ain't no easy task."

The next morning, Jim was sound to sleep when there was a chime at the door. The Ambassador placed his bookmark in the book he was reading before answering it. If he had been completely human, Spock would have stretched when he got out of the chair he had been in. He had been watching Jim all night – the blond man had been plagued with nightmares off and on. While Spock had woken him from the truly horrific ones, he could not help but wonder what other sights lurked in Jim Kirk's mind. The Ambassador was not at all shocked to see the first officer of this Enterprise at the door. The first officer, however, was not best pleased to see him. His eyes narrowed for a brief second before his face became blank again.

"Good morning, Spock."

"Good morning, Ambassador. I was wondering if the Captain was available for breakfast."

"I apologize, Spock, but he is unavailable. If you would like…"

A quiet moan from Jim made the Ambassador stop his sentence and immediately turn towards the prone figure in the bed. Spock raised his eyebrow and tried to, in a very Vulcan manner, peer into the room without actually trying to look like he cared. The Ambassador paused, unsure if he should let Spock see the captain this vulnerable or not before quickly making the decision when Jim began to toss and turn, fighting something only he could see. "If you will excuse me, Spock, I must see to Jim. I will tell him that you stopped by."

Spock's eyes narrowed again. "What is bothering the captain, Ambassador?"

"Spock, this is not the best time to discuss this. If you will excuse me…" Before the Ambassador could finish his sentence, Jim shot up from bed, eyes wide and panicked. The Ambassador left his post by the door, ignoring the fact that his younger counterpart was following on his heels. The Ambassador sat down on the captain's bed, ignoring Spock's narrowed eyes at the show of intimacy. "Jim, you're fine, you're awake."

Jim's eyes slowly focused on the two Spocks in the room. "Spock… and Spock."

Spock looked at his captain. "Are you alright, Captain?"

"How many times have I told you to call me 'Jim' when we're off-duty?"

"I merely wanted to know if you wanted to have breakfast with me before alpha shift begins. However, since I can see that you are indisposed, I will come back another time," Spock nodded once to the captain and his elder counterpart before going to take his leave.

"Spock, wait." The Ambassador called out before turning to look at Jim. Blue and brown eyes looked at him quizzically. However, the Ambassador could only focus on Jim's blue eyes. Although this universe's version of Jim Kirk was so familiar, so like his own, he could not deny that there were differences – and the blue eyes staring intently at him were only the cusp of the differences. This was not his Jim Kirk, and he would never be. Could never be – that Jim Kirk had died and was not coming back. This blue-eyed boy of a captain belonged to this universe's Spock and it was time he recognized this. "I will grab you both something from the officer's mess. It has been many years since I have walked this ship and I would relish the opportunity to do so again."

"Of course," Jim said, beginning to stand up. The Ambassador touched Jim's arm, managing to stop Jim from getting out of bed and causing Spock to have "an epic eyebrow raise of doom" with the same motion.

"No, Jim. You should stay here with Spock." Jim's eyes narrowed at him. "He is your first officer and I believe that you two should learn to trust each other. Now seems to be a good time to put this into motion."

If Spock seemed displeased at this open declaration of secrets kept between Jim and his counterpart, Jim seemed down right upset. "Can't I start with telling him how I learned to speak fluent Andorian?"

The Ambassador raised an eyebrow at him and Jim looked appropriately cowed. "Perhaps, Jim. But I believe that this topic is more relevant, do you not agree?"

Jim sighed, looking between the two Spocks. "Mr. Spock, who has the conn?"

"Mr. DeSalle, sir."

"You should comm the bridge and let him know that you will be late in relieving him." Jim turned to the Ambassador. "Bring me back an apple, please."

"Absolutely, Jim. I will return soon. Jim, remember that I do believe that he will understand what you are going through better than you believe." The Ambassador nodded at Jim. He paused next to Spock and leveled a glare at him before walking away. Although no words were said, Spock had the illogical urge to shiver. It seemed as though the Ambassador was warning him to not mess this up. An illogical warning – Spock would never allow harm to come to Jim.

Jim gestured to the chair by the bed that the Ambassador had been sitting in. "Have a seat, Spock."

"Sir, if you do not wish to speak to me about this subject…"

"Spock. The Ambassador is right," Jim looked out his windows towards the stars. "I may not want to tell you about this, but I think that you need to hear this. We need to be able to rely on each other in any situation. And this… This is something that could emotionally compromise me, Spock, and I need you to know about this in case… In case we should ever come across something similar."

"Captain?"

"Spock, are you familiar with Tarsus IV?" Jim's eyes had a far away look in them.

"Yes, Captain. I have read about it in various texts."

"Well, Spock, I'm familiar with Tarsus IV on a much more… personal note." Jim looked at his first officer, his eyes still a little distant.

"Captain, you do not mean to tell me…"

"That I was on Tarsus IV? Yeah, Spock I was there. I was twelve. My mom just went off-planet, couldn't stand to deal with me and my brother, Sam, anymore. Left us with my jackass step-father, Frank. Well, Sam couldn't take Frank anymore, so one day, he just up and left. Left me behind. I figured I didn't have anything else to lose, so I hotwired my dad's old car. Drove it into a quarry. I was mostly fine; the car was more than mostly totaled. Frank was pissed and he couldn't handle dealing with me anymore. So he convinced Mom that it was a good idea to send me off-planet for a while. Maybe I would calm down and actually be useful for a change instead of just being a juvenile delinquent. We had some relatives on my mom's side who settled on Tarsus a year or two before this and Mom asked them to take me for a while. My aunt and uncle were delighted. It was the first time I can remember someone being happy to see me."

Spock, who grew up with years of a mother's devotion and a father's steady support, could not believe how easy Jim's family gave him up. He opened his mouth to offer an illogical, human platitude, but Jim shook his head, continuing his story with the same stubborn determination that Spock had become all-too familiar with during his seven months onboard the Enterprise.

"At first, Spock, it was paradise. Everything was so green and vibrant. And… it was paradise for me. My aunt and uncle treated me as if I was their own and I had cousins who wanted nothing more than to play games with me. For the first time that I could remember, I was excelling in school and at home. I was loved and in a place I loved. At fifteen, I was all set to graduate from what passed for high school on Tarsus and I had heard rumors that Kodos had taken an interest in me and was going to offer me a junior position in his government. Everything was perfect. Should have known that it could never last. Nothing good ever does. And then… the famine struck." Jim's empty eyes were beginning to unnerve Spock.

"Captain, I do not want you to feel obligated to finish this story for me." Spock had decided in that moment, he would give anything up to make sure that the Captain – that Jim – should never have such a bleak look on his face again.

"I'm not obligated to tell you, Spock," Jim looked at him with a smile that never quite reached his eyes, "If you do not want to hear the rest, I understand. I just appreciate you listening in general."

Spock paused, torn between wanting to know more about his captain's – his friend's – elusive past while not wanting to hurt Jim any more. "It is up to you, sir. If you wish to tell me more, then I will listen."

Jim nodded, seemingly on autopilot now that he had begun. "I can remember being so hungry, so cold. Kodos promised us that food was coming. But it never did. He kept promising us that everything was going to be okay, but every day, we kept growing hungrier and we knew he was lying to us. Then he decided that, in order for the colony to survive, he was going to sacrifice half of us. Kodos had a computer select 4,000 people to be killed, all according to his beliefs in eugenics. God, Spock, I can still remember his words. I've never forgotten them, 'Do not forget, you die for the good of the colony.' Bullshit. In the end, those who had any money at all bribed Kodos to keep them and their loved ones alive."

"And what of yourself and your family?"

"My family and me? Not so much. I can still clearly remember – can feel – my aunt shoving me and my cousins out of the back window when the soldiers came to take us to be killed, the shards of glass that remained cutting my arm. She begged me and my oldest cousin, Meeks… her real name was Amelia, but we called her Meeks, to keep the younger ones safe, Meeks' little sister Charlotte and her brother Peter. Meeks and I met up with some friends of ours from school. Their parents had been dragged away too, to be slaughtered, but they had all been determined that we would live. And we tried. We really did. But no one realized that it would take Starfleet another month to rescue us. So many died while we were waiting. Meeks and I tried to go on and keep everyone going – we were two of the oldest kids there. Kids, Spock, God. Meeks was fourteen and I was fifteen and we were in charge of twenty odd kids. And they kept dying. Peter was one of the first of us kids to go – he was so young and had always been sickly. It destroyed Charlotte – she died soon after him. Meeks just kind of lost of her will when her siblings died."

"And yourself, Jim?"

"Me, Spock? Well, I'm a survivor. I was bound and determined to live, dammit. Frank didn't kill me, though to quote Bones, God knows he tried and I wasn't about to let Kodos kill me either. So I didn't. The kicker in all of this? It almost happened. I'm one of nine people, Spock, who can identify Kodos. I saw him face to face. I saw him when his brute squad tore into what was left of the camp and dragged us to where they killed everyone else. I saw him and when he realized who I was – the kid that he had set his eye on – the bastard asked me if I wanted to live, that it had been a mistake that I was on the kill list. That I shouldn't be afraid anymore because he was going to keep me safe." Jim's voice trailed off for a second, eyes focused on an event that only he could see.

Spock gave his commanding officer a moment to collect himself. "What happened next?"

Jim visibly collected himself before smirking. "I was pissed off, so I spat in his eye. What the hell kind of game did he think he was playing? That it was a mistake to try and kill me when he had killed so many already? Bullshit. Well, my spitting at him kinda pissed him off, so he ordered his goons to kill me last. The guards had just leveled their rifles on the first poor bastard when Starfleet broke down the door. Glory, hallelujah, we were saved. Only it was five months too late for some 4,000 people. And that, Spock, is why I drink every time this year. And it's why the Ambassador is here right now – think he wanted to make sure that I was okay and not, you know, about to go and drown myself in a bottle of whiskey."

Spock allowed a moment of silence – an illogical thing to do, but Jim seemed to appreciate it. Spock watched as Jim gathered himself back up, before offering his first officer a shaky smile. Spock sighed internally – after the story that Jim told him, Spock was the last person that needed sympathy. "I grieve with thee, Captain. Your losses on Tarsus were great."

"Not unlike what you experience when you lost Vulcan, Mr. Spock," Jim paused. "Well, damn."

"Captain?"

"Nothing, Mr. Spock. I just now understand why the Ambassador requested that I tell you this story." Jim suddenly grinned and Spock was pleased to note that the smile reached his eyes. "Well, since the Ambassador seems to have gotten lost, what do you say you and I go find him? And then, Spock, I believe I will take you up on that offer for breakfast. I'm sure Scotty has relieved Mr. DeSalle by now."

"As you wish, Captain."

"You do realize that one damn hobgoblin is all I can handle, right?"

The Ambassador could not help but smile at the words. "I am glad to find that you are unchanged in this universe, Doctor McCoy."

"I take it Jim and this universe's Spock are hashing things out?"

"That would be correct, Doctor."

"Good. I couldn't take him pouting anymore."

"Jim was always good at pulling emotions out of me that no one else could. This universe does not seem to be an exception to that rule."

Bones snorted. "Although he may have hated Jim at first, the two of them are slowly but surely becoming so damn close it's disgusting. Jim's a genius, but he's absolutely blind to the devotion he's got from the hobgoblin, but one of these days, he'll wake up and realize it."

"I do believe, Doctor McCoy, that Jim is slowly learning this."

"He's telling Spock – you – dammit, what do I call you?" McCoy waved his arms about. "Never mind. He's telling Spock what's so special about today."

"Indeed, Doctor."

McCoy sighed. "Well, at least Jim is comfortable in telling someone what happened to him. Maybe some day he'll tell me." The Ambassador was proud of his old friend to note that there wasn't any jealousy in the doctor's voice over Jim confiding in someone besides him; instead, there was only worry about their mutual friend. The door to sickbay opened and Jim and Spock walked in.

"Ambassador, you do realize that this isn't the mess, right?" Jim's smile, while not as bright as it could be, was not forced. For this, Dr. McCoy thanked God for small miracles.

"Yes, Jim. I wanted to say hello to an old friend and I was sidetracked."

Jim wasn't swayed by the older Vulcan's attempt at an innocent expression. However, he didn't call the Ambassador on it. "Spock and I are headed to the officer's mess to grab a quick breakfast. Wanna come with?"

"I'll pass, Jim. Had breakfast before I went on shift," McCoy said, glaring at the Vulcan who should also be on shift. In return, the Vulcan was scrutinizing the wall, obviously not paying the doctor any attention. McCoy's glare had no heat in it though – he was glad to see the effort that Jim had put into building a friendship with Spock had not been unmerited.

"I apologize, Jim, but I must decline your offer. After last night, I would like the chance to rest before we arrive at Starbase 4 later today," the Ambassador smiled at Jim.

Jim looked distressed while his first officer gave his elder counterpart the Vulcan equivalent of the stink eye for making Jim feel guilty. McCoy looked heavenward, unsure of he was going to deal with Jim and Spock for the next four years.

The elder Spock quickly realized his mistake. "It was no fault of yours, Jim, that I received little rest last night. As I am sure you are aware, Vulcans require less rest. I was pleased to be able to assist you last night."

Jim's smile looked sincere. "Thank you, Spock." It was unclear who he was thanking, but both Vulcans appreciated the words. Jim turned to his first officer, smiled at him, before turning on his heel, trusting Spock to follow him. Spock nodded to both the doctor and ambassador before following his captain.

McCoy glanced at the Ambassador. "Were you and Jim like that in your timeline?"

"I believe," Spock said, "that your counterpart would have said that Jim and I got along like a house on fire. And that we were just as dangerous as a fire when we were together."

McCoy snorted as Spock left. "Sounds like a sensible guy. Why couldn't he have come through the singularity instead of another hobgoblin?"

"I thank you, Jim, for your hospitality," the Ambassador smiled at this universe's Jim once more. At 2200 hours, the Ambassador, Jim, and Spock were once again in the transporter room to bid goodbye to the Ambassador. The Ambassador was pleased when he noticed how comfortable the younger versions of himself and his dearest friend seemed to be around each other. He could only hope that this closeness would continue to develop over the coming months. A foolish hope, the Ambassador knew, when confronted with the truth – after all, it is foolish to hope that something will become a reality when it already is rapidly becoming one.

"It was our pleasure, Ambassador," Jim said, smiling and both Spocks were pleased when the smile reached Jim's eyes, "However, I hope that the next time you come aboard, the situation will be much happier."

"Indeed, Captain," the Ambassador nodded to both the captain and first officer before stepping on to the transporter. He raised his fingers in a Vulcan salute. His younger counterpart copied the gesture and Jim made an attempt, but in the end, settled for another warm smile and a wave goodbye.

As the Ambassador beamed out of sight, Jim turned to his first officer. "Well, Spock, what do you say to a game of chess?"

"I would find that most pleasurable, Captain."